Dear Brothers and Sisters,

Please find the 6 questions to which our counselor provided answers. If you do not find yours here, check out our upcoming session or submit it there again.

Question 1. Fear of Marriage

I am scared about my future marriage as I believe that she might cheat on me or she will have affairs before. I am scared that she will not like me and become bored of me, eventually leaving me, I am scared of this or what if she doesn’t like the face of me and like someone else secretly. This hurt so much. And secondly, I am asking should I just not marry and try to control my desire but my desire for intimacy is also high.

Salam alaikom, brother.

Thank you for writing to us. You are saying that you are scared of your future marriage and believe that she—your future wife—may cheat on you or that she will have affairs before the marriage. You are afraid that she will not like you, become bored with you, like someone else, and eventually leave you. And these thoughts are hurting you so much that you are even thinking about just skipping marriage altogether and just trying to control your desires.

Dear brother, I am sorry for your struggle. May Allah ease your thoughts and uplift your doubts, ameen. I would like to tell you that, to some extent, all these kinds of fears are normal and quite common, especially when you are young.

You are forming your own identity and are trying to find confidence in yourself and in your characteristics. You need to feel lovable and capable of being a husband.

Of course, if you have never been involved in any kind of romantic relationship, there is a great deal of uncertainty about how this might be; therefore, you may end up setting too high expectations about it.

So, again, these are worries that are common worries for many people. At the same time, I can also see that you are painting a picture of the worst-case scenario—the worst thing possible that can happen to you and to anyone in a marriage, right? Of course, this sounds scary, but are you sure that it will happen?

What can you do?

First, it is very important to evaluate expectations and remind yourself that you do not have to be a perfect husband—there is no such thing as that. It is okay to be a “good enough” husband, a person with strengths and weaknesses, but with accountability, fairness, respect, and, first and foremost, taqwa.

Second, find lovable and valuable traits in yourself and remind yourself of them whenever you are having these doubts. 

Write on a list the things that you feel make you lovable and valuable. They can be traits, skills, or things that you think you are good at.

In some families, praising each other is a more common practice, and if you are coming from a background where you haven’t been praised too much, you haven’t been reminded of your good qualities. Sometimes, you are reminded only of your bad qualities, or you are made to believe that you are not really worthy. Of course, it can be a more intense struggle. But just because you were not reminded of your values and worthyness doesn’t mean that you are not valuable and worthy, right?

So just write down these traits and qualities like responsibility, kindness, humor, discipline, fairness, generosity, intelligence, creativity, etc. I’m sure that you possess many of them, so just try to list them down and go through them anytime you have doubts about yourself.

You can also create another list of the traits that you would love to possess in order to feel good about yourself. I recommend here focusing on internal aspects instead of extraneous ones, like your look. Why? Because what others find attractive is quite subjective, and there is no fixed standard of what one has to look like in order to be lovable or attractive.

Regarding the second point, you are asking about just not marrying by trying to control your desires instead.

Here, I want to remind you that what you mentioned in your letter are hypothetical scenarios, and these are the worst-case scenarios. 

First, do you have evidence that this will happen for sure? No, you don’t, right?

So, do you think rejecting marriage and all the good that can come with it would be a reasonable decision? Rejecting the idea of the whole marital life and family life just because of a hypothetical possibility that may never happen? How would you help a friend out, for example, who would come up with the same fears? Would you tell him that you should never have to get married because your future wife may leave him?

Again, write down all the positive things that can happen in a marriage. Focusing on the worst ones might not be helpful, so what about sticking to your own more realistic beliefs about marriage?

I’m not sure that these beliefs is generating from? Have you experienced in your family or somewhere around you these things that made you conclude that they will happen to you too? If not in your surroundings, can you see other, more positive examples of marriages around you? Observe and analyze them. What makes them successful and happy?

Coming back to your question, I would not recommend not marrying just because of these fears, because you may realize that your fears were really not too realistic and end up missing very beautiful and good moments in your life.

At the same time, controlling your desire may seem like a small issue to you now, but if you have been thinking about it for a long time, it can become a huge struggle. You were created this way, and surpassing these natural desires can become a huge test and a potential risk of eventually falling into zina, for example.

Finally, if you think that you need some support in strengthening your self-confidence and esteem, you may check out some online courses, self-help books, or counseling sessions with a professional.

May Allah make it easy for you!

Question 2. Seeking Help for My Thoughts

Assalamualaikum. I have been having a problem with this one lingering thought of mine. It has been bothering me for quite some time and I don’t know who to share this aside from probably seeking help to the scholars of this site.

Recently, something has been troubling me emotionally and mentally. I seem to have a problem with my thoughts where I hold a strong dislike or distaste and contempt for those of different faith, values, theologies, communities and other aspects of life than us. At first, I simply brushed it off as a nonsensical overthinking process that I would soon grow out of. But it doesn’t.

This thought has been lingering with me for quite awhile now that while initially appearing as a simple dislike, it slowly escalates to something more intense. Whenever I interact with anyone that is not a part of our faith, for example, a side of me starts to feel distaste, spite, and hate to them even when they never do anything wrong to begin with. I feel like there is something wrong with me and that my thoughts are quite twisted in and of itself.

It even amplifies to the extent of me possessing quite radical thoughts and fantasies to myself whenever I perceive them. And for a guy who lives in a multi-racial country with plenty of people with different backgrounds, I feel quite shameful to myself for even having these feelings or expressions to begin with. As a Muslim, we are supposed to be tolerant to those with a set of differences than us yet whenever I happen to perceive these very same people, I couldn’t help but feel disgusted and bitter although we converse normally without any problems.

I keep pondering: “Why do we have to live with these guys?” “Why do we have to be nice to them?” “Do we really have to share the way we treat each other to these folks?” “Why not just wipe/kick them out?”

A part of me wants to live peacefully and harmoniously with those of different faith and other differences than us like any other normal people. But a side of me, at the same time, would feel agitated and irritated but I know very well I can’t harm or do unjust to them.

I am sorry with the little rant. But I am being legitimately serious and seeking any decent advice to share. What is there for me to do? Are these hateful expressions/feelings even allowed? I doubt it. Am I sinful for these thoughts?

Salam alaikum, brother,

Thank you for writing to us. You are saying that some of your thoughts are related to strong dislike, distaste, or even contempt for those of different faiths, values, theologies, communities, etc.

At the beginning, you just brushed these thoughts off, but you are still struggling with them.

Brother, it seems to me that, rationally speaking, you know that these thoughts are not okay. You also wonder whether these hateful expressions and feelings are even allowed.

Let’s start with this last question, brother. Our thoughts we cannot control; they just pop up in our heads. In Islam, we are not sinful for them unless we start acting out and behaving according to them by saying hateful things and behaving hatefully towards others.

So, until you don’t behave or act upon these thoughts, you are not going to be responsible for them. So what about, instead of suppressing them, accepting them? We know from the studies that the more you want to not think of a thing, the more you are going to do that. 

So instead of trying to suppress them, try to accept that you have them, but you’re not going to act upon them because you just don’t feel they are right. Fighting them is quite frustrating because you cannot really control them, so just let them pass by. Just notice them when they come, without relating to them or identifying with them. There is no need to hate them; to avoid them, just let them pass through your head. Think of them as something external, like the whisperings of Shaytan. Remember his promise of causing enmity between you and other people and take it as a test.

Another thing you can do is act exactly oppositely to these thoughts. Try to be consciously and actively kind to other people of different faiths and values, starting with something simple like saying hello to them, being kind to them in the market, etc. 

You can also make Dua ask Allah to guide them towards Islam. Just to try to focus on their nice and positive qualities. Focus on these positive, beneficial things about living in a multicultural place anytime you are facing a doubt or a struggle. Remember the qadr of Allah, that these differences exist by His will and permission:

“O humanity! Indeed, we created you from a male and a female and made you into people and tribes so that you may get to know one another. Surely the most noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous among you. Allah is truly All-Knowing, All-Aware.” (49:13)

I hope this will help you, brother. May Allah make it easy for you, ameen.

Question 3. Why does lowering the gaze seems impossible

Assalamu alaykum.

I have a problem that I need help with. When I leave my workplace or go out alone in this summer period, I try to control my gaze, but I find it extremely difficult. Despite my efforts, I see many women who are dressed inappropriately. If I try to look at the ground, I end up seeing legs. If I look at buildings, there are often advertisements with inappropriately dressed women. Even when I focus on the road, I still see women.

Every time I try to control my gaze, I might succeed once but fail multiple times. I end up looking when I shouldn’t. This makes me feel very sinful and weighed down. A voice in my head tells me that it’s hopeless, that I fail more than I succeed, and that I am destined for hellfire. This leaves me feeling unmotivated and defeated the next day. When I walk down the street from my home, I see more women dressed inappropriately in a single day than a king might have seen in his entire lifetime.

I don’t want to look, but I feel alone in this fight and don’t know how to overcome it. I want to give up. Everyone else seems happy and unconcerned, living their lives as if everything is normal. I don’t know how to win this battle.

As a Muslim, why do I struggle so much? Shouldn’t this be easy? Everyone in my country seems to live normal lives—they have girlfriends, go to university and school, are happy, and engage in haram activities like drinking and partying. Despite their struggles, they appear happy.

I am a Muslim, but I struggle much more than these people. What should I do? I don’t have friends, I’m depressed, and I can’t get married because the dowry is too high.

Assalamualaikum brother,

Thank you for writing to us. Your problem is related to lowering the gaze. I am not sure where you live, but in the West, especially in the summer, it is a real and huge test of desires for so many young brothers. You are not alone, and it must be really hard to deal with this. May Allah make it easy for you!

You’re still young, brother. When you are able to channel your desires and energies and have a fulfilling marital life and relationship, you are going to be less distracted, in sha Allah.

It’s not easy; this is one thing, and the other thing is that in the eyes of Allah (SWT), your effort counts.

So, the first thing I really would like to stress here is that there are temptations, yeah, but the question is, do you try to avoid them or not? When you do, be sure that Allah is not testing your results but your efforts. When your intentions are pure and your determination is firm about trying to avoid unwanted gazes and looks, the rest is in the hands of Allah (SWT), who is All-forgiving.

The next and very important thing is that you say that this makes you feel very sinful and weighed down. A voice in your head tells you that it’s hopeless, that you fail more than you succeed, and that you are destined for hellfire. I think, brother, that here we are talking about negative self-talk. Despite your conscious efforts, you still feel that you are not doing enough and that you are not good enough just because you cannot achieve 100%.

This is a thought pattern of generalization: when one or two times you fail, you start believing that you are a failure. And that’s not okay, and I am pretty sure that it is not true either. Do you remember other moments when you were able to lower your gaze and control yourself? I’m sure there are many moments like this, so you definitely cannot say that it’s hopeless to make any efforts.

I kindly suggest you focus on the good, notice your efforts, and reward yourself for them.

You say that everyone else seems happy and unconcerned, living their lives, but here is the word that you say, “seems,” and this is the keyword, brother. It “seems” does not mean that they are happy and do not have any struggle in their lives. I can assure you that they do. Just because someone seems happier or problem-free does not mean that they do not have their own struggles, their own bad moments, their own sad moments, etc. Many people are unfortunately struggling with these feelings and thoughts, feel like failures for other reasons, and have issues with negative self-talk and self-esteem.

How can one change this?

You don’t have friends, and you feel depressed, so you may need to find positive encounters in your life and actively seek positive and fulfilling experiences. For example, getting out to do some activities, joining a charity or voluntary group, starting any activity you are interested in, and trying to hang out with friends who support you in your religion and make you feel stronger in your faith.

Also, you may seek counseling to deal with these thought patterns and see how to turn them into more positive ones.

Another thing you mention is that you can’t get married because the dowry is too high. 

Regarding dowry, I know that cultural issues can bring obstacles, and there are high expectations of families, but, inshallah, you will find a means and ways to find the right person who does not judge you or have unrealistic expectations in finances. Just don’t give up, just trust in Allah’s plan, and also try to visualize your future marriage and spouse, make dua, and ask Allah to lead you towards this goal. Allah, make it easy for you! Here are some readings to feed your curiosity:

Lowering Gaze in Summer: How?

20 Tips for Lowerig Gaze

Summer: Keep It Halal and Fun

Question 4. Have an alcholoic sister

She’s been attic since young age I thought after she got married, she may change, but when she got divorce things got worse she drinks a lot I tried to talk to her, but she doesn’t wanna talk. She only talks when she’s drunk and makes excuses but when she’s not drunk and she’s OK, she doesn’t wanna talk about what happened I don’t know what to do or how to help her
She doesn’t take responsibility as a mother she has young kids. She’s always awake sleeps during the daytime interfere with my own life. I lost a job because of her she was gone for days and I had to sit home and look after her kids And when she came back, she doesn’t wanna talk or take responsibility She doesn’t want to admit what she’s doing is wrong she always saying I will stop, but she never does and I really don’t know what to do. I need an advice.

Assalamualaikum, brother,

Thank you for writing to us. As I understand it, you have a sister who is struggling with alcohol abuse, probably addiction. She drinks a lot and doesn’t want to talk. She only talks when she drinks, but after, she doesn’t admit her problem. She sleeps during the day and interferes with your life as a brother. You lost your job because she left home, and you had to stay with her kids for days. When she came back, she did not want to take responsibility. She doesn’t want to admit that something is wrong with her and say that she will stop, but it does not happen.

This is a very sad situation because it seems like a serious struggle, especially since young kids are involved too. She definitely needs help and to work on her alcohol problem, as she is risking not only her own but also her children’s well-being.

You haven’t said anything about your parents; I’m not sure about your family background or the reasons behind her alcohol abuse, but, sadly, there can be many issues related to childhood, trauma, abuse, or other mental health issues behind substance use. And of course, it would also be good to know about your childhood and your relationship with your parents and sister.

People who are struggling with substance abuse may suffer from past issues. 

What can you do?

Unfortunately, recovery cannot really start until there is a willingness on her part to actively seek help. She’s the one who needs to realize that. Your support matters, but she cannot be forced to get into rehab.

On the other hand, brother, you also need to understand that you are responsible for your life and that you cannot solve her problems for her. I am not sure if this is the case, but if you save her from the natural consequences of her behavior, you may end up reinforcing her doing that again and again. It is okay to feel compassion and understanding for her struggle, but if you notice feelings of guilt, it can be a sign that you also need to work on some underlying issues.

For example, building boundaries and raising awareness of the consequences of her actions. It’s very important to be able to express your own needs and say no to situations that put your own well-being at risk, like losing your job. 

How do you do that?

First of all, try to get help for your sister. Explain to her that any pain that leads to her drinking problem can be healed. You love her and feel sorry for seeing her this way. Drinking is one way to cope with hurtful feelings, thoughts, and stress, but it is definitely a harmful one. She can learn to deal with her feelings and heal from any possible trauma.

Also, try to remind her of the possible negative consequences of her behavior: she risks her own health and the well-being of her kids, and she may end up losing her family.

The second thing is that you may need to get help for her children. I am not sure who is around; what about the father? What about family members? Who can spend time with the children? Can you do something about getting some professional help for them? Check out a local alcoholic recovery organization, as they can provide you with useful tips for kids. They need to be taken care of not only physically but also emotionally and psychologically.

They need to be educated about the condition of their mother, about their non-responsibility for what is happening, and to get enough support and compassion.

Stand up for your needs and understand what the limits of your responsibility are. If you think that you need help with this, you can try counseling and get a couple of sessions when you can work on your self-awareness of these boundaries and on communicating your needs in a more assertive way when it comes to taking other people’s responsibility over your shoulder.

I hope these points are going to help you and give you some direction, in sha Allah. May Allah help you with that.

Question 5. Am Engaged, need decision for marriage

Assalamulaikium. I really really   need your answer for my query.

I got engaged few months ago. I accepted the proposal because of my parents. I saw him in photo and without thinking about myself. I agreed for the marriage as my parents wanted me to marry. My parents didn’t even force me to agree for the proposal.

After the proposal got agreed by both the families, I saw him in another photo I didn’t like him. I thought it is too late to say now and I got engaged thinking that the attraction may build later. 

It’s been 6months and I still don’t find him attractive.  I saw him directly and I didn’t like him as he is shorter than me etc. Last month I prayed istikhara namaz and saw a dream in which our engagement is ending. And in reality, when we were speaking on call I asked him to let me write the exams for the job and for the first time he shouted at me in anger saying that I had already told you many times that I don’t like females to work outside, and shouted that this engagement is over now’. He never yelled at me like that before. I thought it is the answer of my istikhara and it is time to end this engagement. But our parents fixed this, and we started speaking again.

Now again, I saw him directly at my home and I told my parents that he is not handsome as I thought he was in the photo. And I tried from the 6 months to find him handsome but am not getting that attraction even after trying a lot. They asked me to tell the decision whether I want to marry him or not. My parents said that they will support my decision.

And now still I don’t find him handsome and attractive. He is always busy and doesn’t give me time even after asking many times, also I feel like am not his priority. But he is pious, prays daily 5 times namaz and asks me not to miss a salah.  Am okay with his deen, job, house, sense of humor, character and all but am not okay with his looks. So, am very confused.

Now am praying istikhara and very confused should I compromise with the looks and agree to marry or should I break off the engagement as am not finding him handsome? 

My marriage date is fixed, function hall is booked and there is 2 and half months left for the marriage.

Assalamualaikum sister,

Thank you for writing to us. As I understand it, you got engaged a few months ago, and you accepted the proposal because of your parents. You saw him in a photo, and you were not thinking about yourself when you agreed to marriage. Your parents did not force you. Later, you saw another image, and you did not like him. You explained to your parents that you didn’t like him, and they asked you whether you would like to marry him or not. They told me that they were going to accept your decision.

I’m not sure, sister, what your answer was, but it seems to me that there was a clear opportunity to go along with your will. An opportunity to decide what you want for yourself. It’s not about your parents or the boy; it’s about you and your future marriage. It seems to me that at this point and also at the beginning, you had a chance to express what you would like to do.

I’m not sure what you answered, but it seems to me that you are still engaged and you have like two and a half months left for the marriage. The function hall is booked, and you are feeling very confused. 

He is pious, prays five times a day, asks you not to miss the salat, and you are okay with his deen, his job, his house, and his character, but not okay with his looks.

My sister, in life, we have to make big decisions sometimes. And we are the ones who have to decide when it comes to marriage, for example. Alhamdulillah, you are not getting forced into this marriage, so you have your God-given free will to refuse or accept this marriage.

I’m not sure what stops you from thinking about what you really want.

Let’s put aside for a moment the character, the piety, and so forth, and the attractivity, because it seems to me that it’s not only about attraction vs. character, but it’s about knowing what you want and being able to stand up for your own decisions and ideas.

In marriage, our consent means that we actively and consciously think about whether this is what we want or not. We learn to connect with ourselves and our hearts and rely on them.

How can you do that?

Find some quiet moments when you are alone with your thoughts. No mobile, social media, or other distractions. Spend time with your thoughts and observe them; give them space. Give yourself time. When you are thinking about this decision, allow yourself to listen to your inner voice, your doubts, your fears, and also your willingness and desires.

If that helps, just list them down; on paper, it may seem clearer. Write down how you imagine marital life and what the most important things are for you. What is your vision regarding this? What are your dealbreakers? What do you need in order to feel tranquility? Just put aside the recommendations, your parents’ advice, and other things you have heard or read, and keep focusing on your voice.

If you have the list, also write down what you can expect from this marriage and this person. When you are done, compare the two lists and see how much they match.

If you have the inner feeling that something is not going to work, just make your decision before it’s too late. It is okay to realize that this is not what you want. I am not sure, but this may be your first serious proposal and a new experience for you. In this case, take it as a lesson for future cases. What is your takeaway? You may need more time, an in-person meeting instead of a photo next time, or being able to think about it alone, without thinking about others expectations, etc. 

Kindly note that your heart can say yes when, for example, the attraction is not as present but you still feel that you have to go for this marriage.

If you think that it can work, you have to know that everything won’t be perfect. In every marriage, there are sacrifices. In every marriage, we have to give up some of our expectations, but we will also grow closer to each other and our needs. In every relationship, there are things that won’t be 100%. That is the point of marriage, because we are going to learn from something else, from someone else different from us. 

So, if you feel that you want this marriage, even despite the attraction, you can see how this can be solved.

Please find here an article about developing attraction:

Never Met My Spouse Before We Got Married

Five Types of Intimacy to Practice with Your Spouse, 

For Married Couples: Improve Your Intimacy with These Tips, 

Is Love Essential Before Marriage?

Question 6. Non-Muslim mother who backbites a lot

My mother has been very greatly, wronged by her family. Her niece cheated on my father for the money from last October to December and my mother can’t stop ranting about her and other relatives. She, and my whole family, aren’t Muslims, so I can’t explain her that it is not permissible to backbite as a Muslim, but I am also the only support she has and I can still see a great amount of bitterness in her facial expressions and the betrayal is unimaginable. What should I do?

Assalamualaikum brother,

Thank you for writing to us.

As I understand it, your mother has been greatly wronged by her family because her niece cheated on her husband for money. She can’t stop talking about her niece and about other relatives. She and your whole family aren’t Muslims, so you can’t explain to them that backbiting is actually wrong. You would like to support her because you notice her betrayal and her pain, but you don’t know how to do that.

Brother, may Allah (SWT) reward your willingness to help your mother, mashallah.

It seems to me that what is happening from her side—what is not okay—is the “how.” Maybe she rightly feels betrayed, but she’s expressing it and behaving in a way that’s not okay. So, the problem is with the manners here and with expressing her frustration without hurting or slandering others.

What you can do is actually sit down with her and let her know that you understand that her feelings of betrayal are the right ones because someone has wronged her. It’s okay to feel betrayed, to feel hopeless, frustrated, disappointed, angry, and other types of feelings in this situation. On the other hand, it does matter how we express our feelings. Do we hurt others along the way? 

I think it’s not really about being Muslim or not. It’s rather about having good manners and ethics. Acknowledge her frustration and let her know that you understand her and see that her niece was wrong, but does this justify her ways of responding? Kindly ask her to have nice and good manners, standards, and dignity in all situations. The cheating by her niece was not about her. Her niece will probably face the worldly consequences of her dishonesty, even if she is a non-believer. Maybe she won’t be trusted anymore, she won’t be welcomed as much in your family, etc.

Your mother has to understand that it’s not about her, and you would like to see her controlling her emotions and tongue, even in moments of hardship. Ask her to take some distance from what happened and not get emotional about other people’s faults.

If you want to involve someone else who can help you with that, it can be great. You can also explain the Islamic point of view. Explain that if you are a believer, it’s wrong to slander and backbite others. Tell her why it is wrong to slander and backbite others and why it is not the right way to gain justice. She can be right, but there’s the way he expressed herself, maybe not, and that can turn the table. Actually, she has to make sure that she stands up for justice in a dignified manner without hurting others.

Please find some articles about backbiting and slander that may help you. 

Psychology Behinf Backbiting

I hope this helps me. I’ll make it easy for you.