Dear brothers and sisters,

Thank you for reaching out to us through the Ask the Counselor service.

Please find below the 4 questions to which our counselor provided answers. We keep answering your requests, so if you do not find yours here, check out or submit it under the upcoming live session.

Question 1. Don’t want to live with my husband

I don’t want to live with my husband because he doesn’t care about my mental and emotional health. It’s been six years we don’t have any understanding and communication. He talks with everyone nicely outside of the house I don’t know but with he is always on his phone or TV. He doesn’t like whenever I visit my parents. Whenever I try to talk to him, he always gets angry. I can’t leave my parents because of him. Plz help me in this matter.

Wa alaikom salam, dear sister,

Thanks for contacting us.

I am sorry to hear that there have been misunderstandings between you and your husband since the beginning of your marriage.

It would be good to know what has happened or what may cause this lack of understanding between both of you.

What makes you assume that he does not care about your mental and emotional health? Did anything happen in particular? Did he say something like that?

Couples tend to arrive with different backgrounds into the marriage—different communication styles, understandings, needs, etc. Therefore, it is okay and realistic to expect some form of difference and challenge, especially at the beginning. There is always an adjusting period, shorter or longer, when the spouses get to know each other and learn about these differences and how to deal with them.

There can be core differences between two people that can indeed make it difficult to live together. These are the main issues that should ideally be discussed before the marriage, with the purpose of avoiding future main conflicts.

I am not sure how your marriage started. Was there any opportunity to get to know each other a little bit more? Did you enter the marriage being aware of this lack of understanding, etc.?

These questions are important because it would be good to know what led to this situation between both of you, and that would also give you a better ground to seek a solution. It would be great if you could reflect on them and be able to discuss them together or with the help of a neutral third party, either a professional or a family member.

So, with this being said, I advise you to initiate discussion about your problems with your husband, and in your communication with him, focus on your goals and what you would need in order to feel cared about your emotional or mental health. Just let him know kindly that you would like to feel cared for, and this or that would help you with that.

You can similarly be attentive to his needs—what does he need in order to feel loved? What does he expect from you, as his wife?

It’s important to point out that these discussions should preferably not be about blaming each other or pointing out what the other does wrong, but rather about what both of you need in order to feel better in this relationship.

Also, if he is gets angry when you try to talk to him, try to make sure that on your side the communication is non-judgmental, non-critical, but fair, respectful, and assertive, while on the other hand, request that he do the same and deal with his anger issues in order to be able to communicate in a healthier manner.

If you need a third party, a counselor, coach, or mentor, an imam, or a family member who is impartial, do not hesitate to ask for help.

Regarding your family, I am not sure how long you spend with them or what makes him not let you visit them.

I am not sure whether you visit them as often as he expects—if that is the case—because of his attitude, or maybe this happens otherwise: he does want to visit them because he feels that you spend too much time with them, and this makes him feel neglected.

Actually, there should be a balance here. When you get married, you have duties towards your husband (and he towards you), and both of you enjoy rights over each other. So, while it is absolutely your right to visit your parents and take care of them, this should not happen for the sake of your marriage. Please read more about it here:

How Often Should a Girl Visit Her Parents after Marriage in Islam?

Who Is More Important in Islam: Husband or Parents?

Is It Allowed for Wife to Live With Her Parents?

I hope this gives you some direction,

May Allah make it easy for you!

Question 2, Waswasa & Psychosis

Asalam Alaykum. I have been experiencing voices (psychosis) and waswasa for 7 years. They keep telling me I believe in other than Allah. I’m scared to talk about this because I’m scared, I will be punished for my thoughts and sharing them. The thoughts are repetitive and they tell me I think God is other than He is. I know God is Allah and He is the Powerful and Merciful and he is One. I believe in all he has sent down and his revelation. But the thoughts keep telling me I don’t believe in it fully. So, I keep reciting the shahada over and over again. When I pray, I get these thoughts and I have to start my prayer over and over again. My mental illness causes me to think other people can hear my thoughts and I am thinking bad things about them. I always feel like there are jinns around me and I’m never alone. I hear voices that suggest ideas to me that I’m not a real Muslim and I should not follow Islam. Sometimes I listen to them but then I snap out of it when I realize that it’s against God to believe in those kinds of voices. But they reel me in when I’m alone. I’m worried Allah SWT might not forgive me because I’ve made this mistake many times as I get delusional because of my psychosis. I should know better but I’m stupid and I listen to the voices sometimes when I’m alone. I just need some help. And how can I trust in Allah that it’s his plan I have psychosis and waswasa. Should I also get Islamic counselling?

Wa alaikom salam, dear sister,

Thanks for writing to us, and I am sorry to hear of your struggle. You mention psychosis, voices in your head, and obsessive-repetitive thoughts.

So, my first question would be, whether you have ever visited a mental health specialist, in this case, preferably a psychiatrist who diagnosed or ruled out some possible medical conditions for you?

If not, that would be the first step to take. Because of the symptoms you mention, you may have an illness that has to be treated just like other physical illnesses.

While you experience your symptoms related to your religion and faith, these things may or may not have formed on other levels, like biological, psychological, or social. While these levels are interconnected, it would be great to address them on all levels.

So, I kindly advise you to seek a doctor and explain what you experienced. If you have already taken and are currently taking medication, you may also explain what is happening to you, as you may need other medication, adjustments, etc.

After you have a diagnosis and a treatment plan, you can see how you can move forward from there. Regarding therapy, Islamic counseling can be very helpful for you, especially if there is no medical condition present or it is covered by other means.

Using the framework of our deen and addressing your case on a spiritual level would be very helpful, in sha Allah, especially since you experience these struggles related to your faith.

What I can tell from an Islamic point of view is that we are not accountable for our thoughts, sister. You are not going to be punished for them.

Allah is the Most Merciful; therefore, we are not held accountable for things we cannot fully control. And our thoughts are like this: we can hardly control fully what pops up in our mind. And sometimes, the more we try to suppress unwanted thoughts, the more they appear over and over again.

What about accepting this fact instead of fighting it, leading to a struggle that you can hardly win?

It is okay to have thoughts that are actually the opposite of what we say or act to believe in. And know, dear sister, that most of us can have thoughts like this or other repetitive, obsessive ones, and that the Prophet, peace be upon him, also addressed this issue. Watch this for more: How Do We Know if Thoughts are Waswasa

With this being said, know that unless you act upon these thoughts (and start to worship other than Allah, for example), you are not going to be punished by Allah. Allah also sees you and well knows your struggle, and if you suffer from an illness, your religious obligations may differ. Read more here: Is Divorce Issued by OCD Patient Valid?

It says that “and the rulings applying to the sick in Islamic Fiqh differ from those applying to the healthy. In turn, the sick person cannot be treated as the healthy one is treated with regard to prayer or divorce.“

“The OCD sufferer should seek the means of treating that disease—wwhich are given by Almighty Allah (Exalted be He) according to His established ways on earth—aand adopt such means of treatment until Almighty Allah grants him or her recovery.”

This applies to other mental illnesses too, so I kindly advise you to seek help and treatment. Again, once you get the diagnosis, you can see how you can address this at all possible and needed levels, including spirituality and your faith.

May Allah make it easy for you.

Question 3. Buried by sin

I’d like to start off by saying I’m so happy to have found a space where people can come ask questions and not be shamed or judged for being human it brought hope and joy to my heart.

I am 25 and I’m on a healing journey. I am a Muslim American who has Christian family on my maternal side. My background has caused issues as a child because the Islamic community would constantly tell me the family I know and love were going to hell for being Christian and I was constantly told I was too for mistakes I made not knowing how or why they were haram as no one would take the time to teach me. For context my parents worked hard to avoid topics of sinning, sex, relationships, toxicity, manipulation, and drugs. They hoped I’d stay in a child’s place to protect me from sinning. Little did they know I spent my youth, teens and early young adult life doing everything it takes to please everyone. Which put me in dangerous and traumatic situations due to a lot of manipulation and threats. Out of anger I never left Islam but I questioned why I still believed in it, because what God would allow a sheltered child to go through everything I’ve been through? I did my best to be what I thought at the time was a good person, and was punished for it.
I have been abused by those I went through great length of trying to help heal from their pain I watched them go through and taken advantage of by others who pretended to teach me the things I missed out on from my family. I always loved deeply and while my actions felt wrong, I never wanted people to feel abandoned or like I was ungrateful for their help. I really thought I was doing the right thing at the time. It took a long time (almost 10 years) to learn I’ve been taken advantage of and led astray.

I became a shut in (extremely introverted), hyper-sexual, severely depressed, self-destructive, suicidal and afraid of people.

Two years ago, I planned to take my life and had what I like to call a “divine intervention” where someone in my life unknowingly stopped me from making that mistake. From then on I made a promise to do better and no matter how deep in sadness I was I wouldn’t give any of them the satisfaction of taking that way out. With the help of therapy. I’ve worked hard on this very painful journey of trauma and I’ve turned back to Islam and Allah. I even coincidentally got a job at an Islamic school this year as a first-grade teacher and have been lucky enough to be surrounded by super supportive community.

My question is will reverting to Islam and changing my ways, and healing actually count? Or am I doomed forever and should stop trying now while I’m still in the early stages of relearning the life I’ve once lived?

InshaAllah I plan to be married after college and would like to do a traditional Islamic one but I feel impure and like I would only upset Allah by doing so. I have acknowledged my part in my past despite being taken advantage of many times. I do not want all this hard work to change to all be for nothing. This Ramadan is my first one where I didn’t feel like I’ve wasted time because I put effort into educating myself and making Muslim friends who guide me everyday. I’m really happy for the first time in a long time. I’m just worried all this work will be for nothing in the end.

Many Muslims make it seem like Allah does not accept mistakes and that my trauma is my own doing. The things I put myself though were with good intent I was ignorant and I know better. I feel guilty as if I’m playing pretend and I do not deserve to call myself a Muslim.

Wa alaikom salam, dear sister,

Thank you for sharing your struggles. I am really sorry to hear that you have gone through a lot in your childhood and young adulthood. I also understand that you have been working on yourself and are on the path of your healing journey, and that has allowed you to see many things through a different lens, alhamdulillah.

I can sense that you have understood many pieces of those events that happened to you and that, alhamdulillah, you are already in a better place, with wounds but partly or fully healed ones.

You say that this was your first Ramadan when you felt like you were not wasting your time and that you actually put effort into educating yourself. And, alhamdulillah, you are really happy for the first time in a long time.

Yet, you still struggle with the feelings of not being good enough, not doing enough, and that Allah finally won’t reward your hard work on your healing path.

Dear sister, I have to reassure you that this won’t be the case, in sha Allah. Unlike in the case of some people (maybe family members), in the sight of Allah, what counts is your effort, not the outcome. Remember this always when you are having these doubts. What counts is your effort and your intention, even when, finally, we do not manage to get what we want.

There are authentic hadith about the importance of intention, and we know that we are going to be rewarded even for things we just intended to do but finally did not do. Also, we are going to be rewarded for avoiding the bad deeds we wanted to do.

“Verily, Allah has recorded good and bad deeds, and He made them clear. Whoever intends to perform a good deed but does not do it, then Allah will record it as a complete good deed. If he intends to do it and does so, then Allah the Exalted will record it as ten good deeds up to seven hundred times as much or even more. If he intends to do a bad deed but does not do it, then Allah will record for him one complete good deed. If he does it, then Allah will record for him a single bad deed.” Sahih Bukhari 6126,

You say that some Muslims make it seem like Allah does not allow mistakes. I know that unfortunately, this is a common and very unhealthy attitude that leads to exactly the same feelings of not being or doing enough. I think it is rather about these people and their expectations or possible own traumas carried and passed on.

But you need to remind yourself always that Allah does not expect perfection from our creations. You do not have to do more than open the Quran and see how many times Allah is talking about His mercy and His forgiveness. He IS the Most Merciful, and He IS All-Forgiving.

Whatever you have done in the past, there is always a way out if you repent, seek forgiveness, and mend your way. I assume that you have done this and that you are putting in the right place what belongs to your responsibility and also what was not your fault during those years.

It is also important to remember that you are not accountable or responsible for other people’s failure to provide you with a mentally and emotionally safe place to grow up. That was your right, actually, as a child.

Some people unfortunately do not have enough mercy and ability to forgive, making others feel that no mistakes can be made. That is a human error, and actually a deficit, in my opinion. We need to learn mercy and forgiveness, reminding ourselves that the only perfect one without mistakes is Allah.

You may have thought about why Allah has chosen you for this path and these experiences. Because one thing is sure: all this is part of your qadr, and the final and main goal is to get closer to Allah and worship him. It may help if you go through these events to see how they have helped you to become more connected to your deen, to practice more, to revert to Islam, and to finally feel happiness this Ramadan after a long time.

So, sister, know that, subhanallah, you are on the right path. Everything is okay and going to be fine. That you may feel down sometimes in the future? It is possible. This is not the promise of the healing journey, nor of Allah, who will test us all with different trials through life; rather, it is to be able to manage those moments with stronger faith and confidence, with patience, and finally with contentment in all Allah has given you in this life. With all the good and bad in it.

May Allah reward all your efforts and grant you guidance, healing, and strong faith in Him.

Question 4. Isolation in the mosque

I’m 17 years old and was born to Islam. Despite having gone to the same mosque semi-often my whole life, I do not have friends there; all of them have either moved away or stopped coming. My mosque is big MA, but with a very small youth population. I go to iftars and prayers and feel entirely alone, and this has made me go much less and every time I go, I usually end up in tears. I don’t want to go anymore, but I think this will weaken my faith. How do I deal with this issue?

Wa alaikom salam, dear sister,

I am sorry to hear that you felt alone during iftars in your masjid and that you do not have friends and youth there around. I understand that this made you feel less motivated to go, as you may attend the masjid and worship there to feel more like part of the community.

You usually end up in tears, dear sister, while I am reminding you that Allah sees your struggles and surely will reward you for all the worship you have done for His sake in this masjid, even without the desired companionship.

I know it can feel lonely when you can’t share these special moments with others. But think about it this way: Allah (SWT) for some reason wanted you to experience this, and surely He wants the best for you, so the question may arise: What can you learn from this situation?

One thing, for example, is realizing that when we are alone, we may focus more on Allah, and it is a great opportunity to deepen our connection with Him. We can truly experience doing some things for His sake only, not for others, and find moments of worship and inner peace when we connect with Him without other, external distractions. You can pray, read the Quran, do dhikr, even break your fast, and feel that finally fasting is only between you and Allah, stw, subhanallah.

That is, for example, the goal of itikaf, which is a common practice during Ramadan, especially towards the end of the month, where we seek this connection in solitude in the mosque.

You say that while some young people moved away, others stopped coming. So, the other question is, what can be the reason behind this, and whether you would have any possibility to do something to bring the young people back to your community?

What about talking to another sister, an elder one, who is frequently in the mosque, and brainstorming about some halaqas, ideas, that are directed towards the youth? Some gatherings, or circles, are places where you can talk about things that interest you most, but within the safe framework of a masjid. It can also be a charity-funding idea, a contest (Quran, tajweed, etc.), lectures about youth issues, meetings, etc.

I know that many young Muslims consume Islamic content online, and while it is also a great opportunity to find content and even contacts, it has an alienating effect in real life.  Everyone is occupied with his or her interest through their mobiles, but alone. While it is very beneficial and important to maintain community interest, the friendships and real life in the masjids are also important.

The upcoming Eid al-Adha can be a great opportunity to find out some ways to start involving more young people in the masjid. What do you think?

I know this is not up to you, but it would be great if the elder would consider some possible adjustment if the youth is not too interested in participating. Do you have any ideas to help the community find out more about this? What did your friends or those who stopped coming say about this? For example, it can be language issues (I am not sure where you live and in what language khutbas are), the topic of lectures, issues with free time, accessibility, and more. You may offer your help to reach out and invite others to share their opinions and/or join your initiatives.

Please find some articles regarding this here to get some ideas. ,

What Makes a Youth Friendly Mosque?

Muslims Debate How to Engage Youth in Mosque

6 Tips for Youth-Friendly Mosques

Are Our Mosques Youth-Friendly?

Meanwhile, I encourage you not to lose hope and to keep going and visiting the masjid, whenever you would like to. Regardless if your friends or schoolmates join you or not—if yes, alhamdulillah—but if not, with them surely you can find other moments to have fun too. Trust in Allah and keep asking Him for guidance and strong faith.

I hope this helps. May Allah reward your efforts.

Question 5. Asexuality

As-Salamu alaykum,
I am a young asexual woman and I am having difficulty accepting the possibility of marriage.
I have always been indifferent to having sex with anyone, sex in general disgusts me and I am convinced that I cannot be a good sexual partner because I would end up rejecting the other all the time or simply suffer while trying to satisfy him.
On the other hand, I’m not against marriage, I’m sure I can be a good mother, used to taking care of children and having a lot of patience, so I wouldn’t be the worst wife to have. And the idea of having someone for me, who will live their life with me and support me, is not bad.
My parents want me to get married as soon as possible, and the fact that my siblings are already married makes them put more pressure on me.
But asexual men are rare, I don’t know how to find someone who would be okay with my asexuality and in the place I live it’s not something people talk about, no one talks about sexuality in general, and not having a sexual desire is considered a mental illness in some way or just being weird.
I have already refused two men because of my asexuality but ending up alone scares me, I know that sex is something important in a couple and if I am not good enough as a wife because of that, we would divorce probably and that scares me a lot.
That’s why I decided to live alone, but I don’t know if I can do it and if it’s a good decision. Getting married also means respecting my parents’ wishes and fulfilling my faith.
Is it better to forget about marriage in my case? Or should I consider it?

Wa alaikom salam, sister,

Thank you for turning to us with your question.

As I understand it, you say that you are asexual and have always been indifferent towards sexuality, and you are convinced that you won’t be a good sexual partner and that you will end up rejecting your partner or suffering if you have to try to satisfy him. On the other hand, you would like to get married, and you are sure that you would be a good mother. You have decided to live alone, but you do not know if that is a good decision.

Sister, I understand what you are saying, and I am sorry for your distress and struggle. However, I also have the feeling that you may have jumped to conclusions a bit too quickly and made some assumptions about the future outcome of things that may not be the case for sure.

The starting point is that you have always been indifferent towards sexuality and sex in general, which “disgust you.” These are surely your valid feelings.

Asexuality means that someone lacks sexual attraction and/or has no desire for or interest in sexual activity. It can be a longstanding condition, but sometimes it is also temporal: people may have disinterest in sexuality at some point in their lives, and it can be linked to a variety of causes, like hormonal issues or changes, aging, some mental health problems, like depression, etc. Having feelings of “disgust” can also have some reasons, and it may not be due to asexuality.

So, what if this is a temporal condition and not a life-long one? You are still young, and I assume that without experience, what if you just need time or the right partner to wake your interest up? What if it is rather about lower libido (sexual desire)? What is more common, for example, both in men and women?

As I am not sure what your case is, I think it would be good for you to explore it with a counselor more in depth. Preferably with a Muslim one or in faith-based counseling first. At least to understand yourself more, to rule out any possible causes, or to address them if there are any.

So firstly, I kindly advise seeking a Muslim counselor for talk therapy.

Secondly, my question is: how did you conclude that you cannot be a good sexual partner, that you will end up rejecting the other or suffering, and that you would probably divorce? Are you sure that this will happen, or are there any other possible scenarios aside from the worst-case one?

Dear sister, I understand that when you are thinking about marriage (as your parents are pressurizing you), these thoughts cross your mind, and all this makes you scared. It is totally understandable.

I am not sure how your relationship with your parents is or whether you can talk about your fears with them or not. At least with your mother. You may tell her that you are reluctant regarding marriage because sexual attraction is something you do not experience, and you know that this can affect your future marriage. Ask for her support, and try to find solutions together. I know that this is a taboo topic in many families, but hopefully you will find a way to talk about it with someone close to you.

I do not mean that something is wrong with you and they need to “fix” you, but I do mean looking into this more in depth and seeing what can be done or how you can accept yourself with confidence prior to a marriage search.

Regarding a future partner, yes, maybe it is rare to find asexual men, but it is not impossible. There are men with a lower sex drive and a lower interest in sexuality, just like you. What you can do is include this area in your marriage search.

It is true that couples with differing sexual attraction and libido can face challenges in their marriage; you are on point regarding this. But if you are well aware of your needs, you may find a way to discuss this during your marriage search and seek partners who are also more inclined towards companionship, family, children, etc. and are less interested in sexuality.

So, to answer your question, yes, I would advise considering marriage, as, just like you say, it is much more than only about sexuality. But I also advise you to seek support and explore your sexual disinterest with a Muslim counselor to better understand yourself and get ready for marriage with more confidence in yourself and in your preferences.

May Allah make it easy for you, ameen.