Dear Brothers and Sisters,

Thank you for participating in the session. Alhamdulillah, we have received so many questions, that we decided to dedicate another session for the answers too.

Please find 6 questions to which our counselor provided answers. If you do not find yours here, kindly check back in a few days, as they are going to be addressed and published soon. Thanks for your patience.

Question 1. Hijab

Salam aleykom

Eid Mubarak, my question is that my sisters and my mom are not hijabis, especially when we travel. my dad is okay with it and allows them. but they wear hijab (not correct way most times) in the home country. I tried so many times but I simply can’t change them, what should I do? and am I responsible for what they do? Thank you.

Wa alaikom salam, dear brother,

Thank you for turning to us.

May Allah reward your efforts for trying to guide your family members about hijab and its correct use. It seems that you find it important, alhamdulillah, to obey Allah and His commands according to your best, and you also feel the responsibility to enjoin good and forbid wrong.

I think having this responsibility is a great gift, especially since you are still young. At the same time, try to understand that your role, just like the role of our beloved Prophet, peace be upon him, is to convey the message. That is what Allah expects of you—to let them know what is right, according to the Quran and according to your understanding. After this, the responsibility passes onto them, as Allah gave them free will to obey or disobey Him and His commands.

You gave the message; that’s your part. Then, whether they follow your advice or not, will be their free decision. We do not have to “force” others to follow and comply, because this can result in outward compliance while the hearts remain distant and not convinced about the divine wisdom behind hijab, for example.

Know also that everything in this world happens with the knowledge and permission of Allah, so He knows who will obey and who will not, and He guides only those who seek His guidance.

So, the religious conviction of your family is not in your hands but in Allah’s. What He may want to see from you is whether you follow your family (even if they are not on the path) or whether you are strong enough to stay on the right path. It happened with many prophets too that their families were a test for them and did not want to hear their call.

It seems that you are on the right path, masallah, so dear brother, keep going this way.

Who knows, maybe your stronger faith will serve as an example for all of them, and they will learn by your steadfastness to obey the commands of Allah for His sake and will be able to experience the sweetness of imaan, which comes when we are content with His will and decree and are happy to obey Him. So keep focusing on your imaan and your deen. You can also make due for your family and ask Allah to open them and guide them towards the right path.

May Allah bless you.

Question 2. Controlling parents

Is my relationship with my parents permanently damaged and will we ever be able to forgive one another?

Wa alaikom salam, sister,

I can only respond to your brief question with a brief answer: No, your relationship with your parents may not be permanently damaged. Both of you can improve, understand things better, repent, seek forgiveness, and heal from the wounds. And the ability to forgive is also something that is learnable, and it is actually something very important to learn in order to have healthy relationships. Forgiveness also entails the ability to admit our own mistakes and be able to repent of them. Communication is also a great tool to overcome damage, and it is also a learnable skill.

May Allah make it easy for you and grant you peace with your family.

Question 3. My family and prayer

Assalamualaikum I started practicing Islam like 2 years ago My family isn’t that religious, my father doesn’t pray and fast, and my mother sometimes prays and sometimes not we were not taught about seriousness of prayer and Islam since childhood. But when I learnt about Islam I started praying and understood the seriousness of prayer. I want my parents especially my father to pray and fast I always tell me respectfully to pray and make dua for Allah to guide him. I know if you are practicing Islam, you shouldn’t be rude to anyone especially your family. I always advise them to pray softly. My younger brother is on the same path he only prays when we tell him as it’s Ramadan he prays as he fasts but outside Ramadan, he leaves prayer.
Please tell me what should I do in this situation how do I deal with my family I know I shouldn’t expect everyone to practice Islam if I do it but I advise them always but they do not listen to me. my always shuts me off saying we told him he didn’t do it it’s upon him if he doesn’t pray. My mother is like she tells my brother once or twice if he doesn’t listen she gives up.
What do I do how should I deal with it if I don’t advise them, I have to answer Allah.

Wa alaikom salam,

Thanks for sharing your struggle.

May Allah reward your efforts in trying to enjoin prayer for your family. Prayer is the second pillar of Islam, and it works as a shield against sin and wrongdoing. It is a great source of spiritual strength, and it is an obligatory worship for a Muslim.

I understand that if you are aware of the utmost importance of prayer and fear Allah enough to follow His command, you will also fear Allah when it comes to your family and loved ones.

We would like to see our closest ones well and safe from the punishment for abandoning prayer and to enjoy the blessings of regular worship.

You are not alone, sister, and if you read the Quran, you will realize that many prophets struggled with this test: the religiosity of their families. Prophet Nuh, Ibrahim, Lot, and Muhammad, peace be upon all of them, had family members who rejected the message. So did the communities of many other prophets, too.

And Allah assured them that their role is only to convey the message, and there is no blame on them if others do not follow his words.

“But if they turn away, then your duty, ˹O Prophet˺ is only to deliver ˹the message˺ clearly.” (Quran 16:82)

“Say, “Obey Allāh and obey the Messenger; but if you turn away – then upon him is only that [duty] with which he has been charged, and upon you is that with which you have been charged. And if you obey him, you will be [rightly] guided. And there is not upon the Messenger except the [responsibility for] clear notification.” (Quran 24:54)

With this being said, dear sister, you can also follow this example by making sure that you convey the message clearly about the importance of prayer. They have free will to either follow the command of Allah or not. And the final outcome happens with the knowledge and permission of Allah.

He knows who will turn to Him and who won’t, so you don’t need to worry about this. There is no need to force worship upon others; they should do it out of conviction.

What you can tell them—after talking about the importance of prayer—is that you are saying this out of love for them and out of the fear of Allah, only for His sake. And you love them and want the best for them, and you will keep making dua for them, but finally, it is their choice.

Regarding your young brother, I am not sure how old he is, but actually, your parents have the duty to teach him and you about religion, faith, and proper worship. They have to be sure that they did everything they could to show Islam to you until you reach maturity and become responsible for your own deeds.

If they failed to do that at the time, they will also be questioned regarding his worship, even if finally every adult Muslim is accountable for his or her deeds.

Here you can read more about the importance of prayer; it may help to talk about it with them.

Prayer is Not Only a Ritual

What are the Benefits of Five Daily Prayers?

So, trust in Allah, sister, and keep doing your worship, as you are on the right path, alhamdulillah. Have patience and trust that one day your example will wake them up and they will turn back to Allah with repentance.

Question 4. Advice

Asalamualikum i hope you are well.

I’m 20 years old. I completed my first year of Al-levels (which is considered as As-level) in the UK but couldn’t complete them because of having to come to Pakistan due to family issues. My dad bought me and my siblings and told us we’ll be here for a few months as a holiday but because we were young, we didn’t understand he had other plans. Growing up in comfort and getting to do everything freely, when I came here and started living in the village, where I’ve been for the past 2 years was difficult especially when I’m not able to go out as much and live the way I used to or share my feelings with my friends. As difficult as it has been, I thank Allah s.w that He is the best of planners and He allowed me to get closer to Him through all this. From having to deal with the toxic environment and not fitting in or socializing with anyone due to their thoughts being different. I’ve been struggling a lot but fought the battle within myself.  I started seeing how much it was all effecting mine and my sibling’s mental health and I couldn’t help but stress and make the burden upon myself worse. I prayed nights and nights for it to be over but now that I look at it Allah s.w wanted me to learn through this. Allah answered my duas in a different way. He made me realize that when I can’t change my situation, I need to change myself. I got closer to the Qur’an, learnt the tafseer and the linguistics of it. Deleted my social media accounts as they were continuously playing a massive role on my mental health. I started to slowly help myself and help those around me. Allah showed me light and I walked towards it with those around me that were struggling. Allah allowed me to heal through his words, His remembrance, His zikr, He allowed me to learn the Seerah of our beloved prophet peace be upon him. Through it all as I learnt more and more about the Prophet’s lives and how they dealt with daily situations and how they were all victims of trauma, I realized what we go through is nothing compared to what they had to face. The day I started shifting my siblings perspective and showed them to focus on the good was when I realized why our deen is about Hidmah and that the true happiness of the heart lies in giving, putting others before yourself.  Through all this I came across Islamic psychology and how the importance of your soul and inner self need to be at peace in order to live through everyday situations. I am mesmerized by Imam Ghazali and the sufism view on psychology. I want to spend my whole life gaining knowledge about my religion and focusing on deeply understanding Islamic psychology. I’m in need of your support and guidance in order to take steps towards my goal. Ive had a look through website but I’m unsure on which university/ institute would accept me as I’ve only been able to complete my As-level. Please advise me on how I can work towards studying Islamic Psychology.

Jazak’Allah Khair for you time, may Allah s.w bless you and reward you endlessly.

Wa alaikom salam, dear sister,

Thank you so much for your letter. Masallah, it was really heartwarming to read about your journey and about your understanding of these life events in the best possible way, alhamdulillah.

Indeed, our perspective is so important in determining whether we are able to accept and be content with what Allah has destined for us and make the most of a lesson.

It seems that you have successfully passed this test. May Allah reward your efforts.

Regarding your question, alhamdulillah, Islamic psychology is a growing field, and there are more and more possibilities to earn certificates and education in this field.

I am not an expert in UK school levels, but as far as I understand, AS is a qualification itself, although you would need to study one year more to get your A level, right? As far as I know, A level is needed in order to start higher education in the UK.

If you are interested in psychology and working with people (like counseling, therapy, etc.), you will need higher education and further training. In order to be able to apply, you may have to complete your studies and/or validate them in Pakistan.

I am not sure what the plans of your family are: are you going to stay or will you move back to the UK soon?

Depending on their plans, you may check with the education ministry (in both countries) about the requirements to complete your studies, either there or here. If you wish to do that in the UK, what do you need? Can you do it from abroad? If yes, that sounds good; if not, what are your options in Pakistan?

After having completed the A level or its equivalent, you may see your actual options again, depending on your plans regarding permanent residency. 

There are some universities that have Islamic Psychology, in presence or online, for example, The Cambridge Muslim College, or Charles Sturt University, International Open University, and also there are online courses or materials to feed your curiosity.  

At the same time, kindly note that while these mentioned above are official grades, some countries do not accept them as equivalent to the required education, and this can be important if you plan to work in the clinical field or in the national health care or educational system. Each country has clearly specified requirements in terms of completed training, so it is good to check them before applying anywhere. In this case, you may seek the option of pursuing a psychology grade, then a master, while you study Islamic psychology apart from professionals and in courses and complete your understanding this way.

Let me share some more links here:

How Can I Become an Islamic Psychologist?

IAIP

USUL ACADEMY

Khalil Center

Albalagh Level 2 Islamic Counseling and Psychology

To learn more, join: ISIP

I hope this helps, I wish you success, may Allah guide you towards the best outcome, ameen

Question 5. Can I stay with this man?

We’ve been married for almost 2.5 years. My husband is very heedless of his prayers. When his proposal came, we looked into Deen and the basic requirements. Somewhere, we’ve been lied to.

Also, his constant taunts are that I stay with in-laws (home country) despite him being able to keep me with him in his work country. He says, “Even if I am in any part of the world with a family visa, you stay with my parents. I got married for parents.” He comes once or twice in a year for vacation from his work country and says those 20-40 days are enough and many people don’t even get that chance too. His actions make me feel like he runs away from responsibilities. He thinks his parents will take care of me better than him. I tell him that I’ve gotten married to him, not his parents. He doesn’t like it.

Very often he speaks about having gotten married to someone who doesn’t step out of her in-laws house. He rarely speaks nicely to me or respects me. He says his nature is because of the tensions at work place. He says the evil inside him is because of the atmosphere in the office. He doesn’t want to change jobs since the pay is good and says that after 3-4 years he will come and settled back his home country. I have been putting up with these taunts, disrespect and constant tension since the past 2 years, every time giving our relation a chance and praying for betterment.

Also, when we have kids, I personally want to raise them in his presence, being there as a father figure, he thinks it’s not necessary.

Can I stay with this man?

Wa alaikom salam, dear sister,

What you present in this letter about your husband is alarming, as according to it, he has no awareness about the goals and blessings of marital life and the duties and rights of spouses. He either has no awareness of them or, for some reason, is in denial.

It is something to be discussed with him in the first place, to see what is behind his attitude. I am not sure, but if he was forced to marry you without his consent, this could happen. As you say, according to him, “I got married for parents”.

This statement should be unpacked a bit more in depth, in my opinion. Also, have you discussed your and his goals and roles before marriage? What did you know about his way of looking at marriage? His ideas about living separately, finding it okay to spend 20–40 days together in a year, and not being involved in the child’s upbringing.

I am not sure whether you knew this before or not, but if yes, it would also be good to know what made you marry him if you have such a contrasting view regarding marriage.

Islamically speaking, there are quite a lot of issues about his way of looking at marriage.

No, we do not marry for our parents.

We do not necessarily have to live with the in-laws, and you have the right to be together and not long-distance after marriage, especially if he can afford it. 

Does Husband Have the Right to Force His Wife to Live with His Family? Can Wife Ask for Separate House in Islam? Can a Husband Force His Wife to Care for Mother-in Law? Wife vs InLaws Rights

Both of you have the right to intimacy, which actually also helps to decrease the risk of zina due to being far from each other.

 Long Distance Marriage Problems

You have the right to kind treatment and attention, and his work-related issues cannot be used as an excuse to not treat you well.

 Rights of the Wife

Your future kids have the right to have a father figure when they grow up. Role of Father

My question is, in light of this, are you sure he is the kind of father and family man you want to see as a role model for your kids?

I would think about this, sister, to make sure this is what you want. I advise you not to rely on future, possible scenarios, like “If he changes, this or that will be okay.” Look at him now, and look at his actual intentions and goals.

If he is willing to consider your concerns and promise to make efforts to adjust them, not only for you but for the sake of Allah, then you may support him and find a way of working on your relationship together.

In this case, you may talk to him and ask him to reconsider his ideas if he wants to save this marriage with you. You can list your needs and talk about them. How do you imagine a happy marital life? There is nothing wrong with having expectations, especially if they are in line with the teachings of Islam, unless they are too unrealistic.

If he is reluctant or refuses to adjust some of his ideas, know that while divorce should be the last option, there are legitim reasons for opting for separation. Please find an article about it here: 

Valid Reasons for Divorce

I hope this helps; may Allah make it easy for you.

Question 6.  Doubts about marriage and no heart into it.

Salam,

I got engaged through an arranged marriage proposal in March 2024. Only his parents flew from abroad and got engaged. They fixed the marriage for September and then I will go and live with his family and then come back to live with my family while his family goes back and apply for my visa. The person himself is religiously inclined (not good looking but hardworking) and come across generally as a nice person but somehow, I don’t feel ease at heart and feel that this is a wrong decision and always have a feeling of dread whenever we talk.

After marriage, I will be living in joint family system with his parents and flying to a new country leaving my family behind.

My reluctance could be because of my parents broken marriage or trust issues or just gut feeling or lack of compatibility. I have tried to make myself accept this marriage but I always feel it won’t happen.  I tried Istikhara as well but got no clear indication. Please guide me what to do and what’s the best course of action.

Wa alaikom salam, dear sister,

Thank you for turning to us.

I am sorry to hear that you are struggling with these feelings of reluctance about your engagement.

As you relate, this is an arranged marriage, and only his parents came from abroad to do the engagement ceremony.

So, in my understanding, you have not met in person. And you are not sure whether your feelings are related to trust issues due to your parents’ broken marriage or to possible incompatibility.

According to your plans, your life after marriage will change drastically, as you will move abroad and live in a joint family system with your future spouse.

I can imagine that idea in and of itself can be overwhelming, as major changes in your life are about to happen and you do not know for sure what the future holds. Therefore, being completely sure and 100% confident is kind of rare, I would say. The more realistic expectation is that you will have some form of uncertainty regarding your choice.

We all experience uncertainty prior to making bigger decisions in life. We are not able to see and predict everything—that would be so easy, subhanallah, wouldn’t it be? 

I am not sure how the communication is or was with your future spouse, but you have to know that you have the right to request meetings with him in order to get to know each other better and rule out possible incompatibilities. The best is always in person—you two will marry, and while this is also the unity of two families, marriage should not be reduced only to that. I believe that the future spouses have to be present, if possible, when the proposal happens, especially if they have not met before.

Online or phone calls or texting can work, but they will never give the same impression as a one-to-one meeting. In a face-to-face meeting, there are so many things we can capture—body language, non-verbal cues, the whole energy of the other person—that could help to clear the kind of impression about the other.

What can you do?

After engagement, you can still request meetings, at least online, where you can talk and find out more about each other. If you think that would help, talk to your parents and tell them that you need more information to feel more determined. I am not sure to what extent you were given enough time or space to think about this proposal before engagement, but there is still time to make sure this is what you want or not.

If your parents rush you or they worry about their reputation, kindly do not let yourself be blamed for their worries; they should make sure you give your consent without any coercion or pressure.

If you realize for sure that this is not what you want, you can still talk to your parents; they and you need to think about what is a lesser bad thing—break an engagement or a marriage, perhaps a future family?

You may ask yourself, What makes you doubt the compatibility? What is the area you sense is problematic? Try to think about good questions that could address these issues, and you may ask them to find out more.

Also, what is what you see as the most problematic in your parents’ marriage? What makes you think that you may have trust issues? Communication? Behavioral issues, some traits, or differing views, maybe? I am not sure, but I would also look into that and see what examples you have seen and whether in this marriage that could be a problem or not.

I have to add here that it is very important to emphasize, dear sister, that while your parents and their relationship have served as an example for you, and probably you have internalized some beliefs about marriage based on it, you are not your parents. You have your own qadr, your own life story, and your challenges and tests are not necessarily the same. There is absolutely no promise that whatever happened to them will happen to you.

You can have a successful and happy marriage; it is up to both of you and your willingness to work on it from time to time. Know also that every marriage has an adapting phase; it is normal that the changes you are going to face may have some challenges. You may choose the right perspective and have realistic expectations about it. A new country, home, family, and husband will surely test your patience, your level of tolerance and acceptance, and your flexibility. Your life most likely won’t be the same as before, but this does not mean that it has to be bad! It can be a good experience, and, in sha Allah, it will hold a lot of blessings for you.

Being optimistic and hopeful, getting prepared for some challenges, and having realistic expectations about marriage will help you navigate this phase of life. Also, sincere and honest communication about your needs and attention to your spouses would also help.

I wish you the best; may Allah help you with your choice!