Dear Brothers and Sisters,

Thank you for participating in the session.

Please find the 5 questions to which our counselor provided answers. If you do not find yours here, check out our upcoming session or submit it there again.

Thank you for your understanding.

Question 1. How to deal with cheating husband

My husband has been cheating with different women since our 9years of marriage I feel hurt and betrayed. He said he want to take one of them as second wife but am against it I don’t want him to take second wife. I don’t know if my feelings anger is right or is it wrong to go against hubby marrying a second wife.

Answer:

Salam alaikom wa rahmatullah, dear sister,

Thank you for turning to us.

You relate that your husband has been cheating on you since the beginning of your marriage. He wants to take one of his lovers as a second wife, but you do not want it, and you are not sure whether your feelings of anger are right or wrong.

Dear sister, there are two main issues here. One is the possibility for a husband to take more than one wife. This is Islamically permissible for a Muslim man, although there are conditions to fulfill. Read more about it here, here and here.

This permissibility, however, can be a potential challenge for many wives, as it often raises conflicting feelings. One thing that you know is that this is something permitted by Allah, the Most Wise and Just, and you are willing to obey his rule. Another thing is that you may have to deal with a wide variety of feelings, like, for example, anger.

These feelings and others, like frustration, insecurity, not feeling loved and wanted, jealousy, trust issues, etc., may arise when your spouse comes up with the idea of getting a new wife. It can be a real test and jihad for many women to come to peace with this decision.

With this being said, it can be normal that your reaction is not positive at the beginning and that you experience anger. Experiencing a certain feeling in and of itself is neither right nor wrong. What matters is how you handle these feelings and respond to this challenge.

On the other hand, your situation is not as simple as that, sister, as your husband has been unfaithful to you and has been cheating you since you were married.

And this is a serious issue; I am sure there is no need to explain that having extramarital affairs is considered clearly sinful and haram.

You do not relate, so I am not sure whether you have been talking about his affairs and his reasons. You did not mention either how this affects your marriage or how your marital life is.

I am saying that if there is unsettled conflict, unspoken feelings, and unspoken words, this can also be a source of your anger. Especially that you say that you are feeling betrayed and hurt, which is totally understandable. May Allah make it easy for you.

So, you may think about what really bothers you, sister. And I am saying this because your husband’s having an affair is by no means acceptable, and you have the right to be upset, hurt, and betrayed. This is zina and a major sin; actually, it is a valid reason for divorce too. Read more here.

What can you do?

Please think about your marriage and how you get along with him. Think about how his affairs affect you and whether you will be able to stay happy in the long run.

If you want to stay married to him, he needs to commit himself to you and your marriage. This includes repenting for his sins and promising to leave them behind.

It also means that if you have any issues that harm or prevent you from being happy together, they need to be discussed and addressed. You need to fix the possible problems and work on your marriage to make it successful. On your side, this will at least include treating your feelings of betrayal and seeing how you can trust him again.

And this is something very important, aside from his possible second marriage. A second marriage should not be an attempt to cover up problems in the first marriage, as he will still have duties and responsibilities as your husband.

So, if you have any underlying issues (which would be very understandable), it should be better to work on them first, both as a couple and individually, then talk about the option of a second marriage in your lives.

So please talk to him when you clearly know what you want to do with this marriage. You may involve a marriage counselor or a trustworthy, neutral person too. You may seek individual counseling to deal with your feelings of hurt and betrayal and see how you can regain trust again.

May Allah help you with that.

Question 2. Love

I met a religious guy who wanted marriage from me but at that time I felt like I wasn’t ready for it so I just told him off but after sometime he kept contacting me and I decided to introduce him to my family but before he could meet my family, he met someone else and decided to end things with me. Now I love and want to marry him but he’s involved with someone else but told me he still sees a future with me. What should I do every time I pray Istikhara I just miss him more and feel like he is the one for me?

Answer:

Salam alaikom dear sister,

Thank you for turning to us.

The man who wanted to marry you met someone else and ended things with you. Now you love him, and although he is involved with someone else, he says that he sees a future with you.

Sister, I want to reassure you that everything happens by the will of Allah, and you are not going to miss the one who has been decreed for you.

So, if this person is meant to be your husband, your first rejection and later realization won’t cause a change in your destiny.

But you can use this situation to reflect on what happened and why.

What makes you love him now, and why were you not interested in him before? What could be the reason behind this change?

What do you like about him now? And what do you need in a future spouse in general?

You may think about these questions to understand what makes him desirable now or what blocked you back then when accepting the proposal was easier.

At the same time, I would like to point out that you deserve a clear answer from him regarding his plans.

The question arises: if he sees a future with you, what is he doing with someone else now?

During the marriage search and courting period, we need to be as transparent and honest as possible with our plans and goals. We need to think about the other person and be fair in our approach, not leaving hanging proposals that we do not take seriously.

So, if he is about to choose between two possibilities right now, the most correct way is to inform both you and the other girl about that. And once he has made a proposal to her (or to you), he should let go of the other.

I am not sure what the case is, but I kindly advise you, sister, that if he has already made other plans and is proceeding with them, do see these events as a sign from Allah.

You may try to get a clear answer regarding his present and not about future possibilities, like the statement you mention.

If the future has anything for both of you, you will have to deal with it in the future, but now, in the present, focus on letting this situation go.

Keep turning to Allah for guidance, and be sure that He brings you closer only to those people who have a real place in your life.

Make dua and ask for His help. If you do istikhara, make sure that you do it after taking a decision, and of course, only a possible decision. Read more about the procedure for istikhara here.

I hope this helps. May Allah guide you and grant you happiness, ameen.

Question 3. My parents reject to marry a convert girl

Salam me and this girl have fallen in love with each other and she has recently converted to Islam as I have been telling her about how beautiful the religion is. However, me and her wanna get married but my parents won’t allow me. Any help or suggestions?

Answer:

Salam alaikom, dear brother,

Thank you for writing to us.

I am glad to hear that she embraced Islam. May Allah make her steadfast in the religion and give her true guidance, ameen.

You would like to marry, but your parents refuse the idea.

First, it would be good to know why they rejected her. What are their reasons? Are these reasons valid, Islamically speaking?

You know, our parents know us, and there is wisdom in why their approval of our marriage is important. Sometimes our emotions can blur our sight, and we may overlook important differences and incompatibilities that, in the future, can cause problems. In other words, we may want something that is not good for us.

Furthermore, they can protect and advocate for our rights and help us make sure that they are going to be fulfilled in marriage.

So, if they are rejecting the idea for any of the reasons I mentioned above—for example, they think that her character does not match yours, she is not pious enough, or she has important flaws in her character that would affect your marital or familiar life, the upbringing of your children, etc.—you may listen to their advice, even if it is hard now to accept.

If their advice comes from a good place, with pure and good intention for the sake of Allah and your happiness, you need to put aside your actual feelings and reflect upon their words.

On the other hand, it can also happen that they reject the idea for reasons that are not valid. Personal tastes, other previous ideas and plans, fears, and a lack of trust in an unknown situation may be some of these reasons. For example, that she is not a born-Muslim but a converted one.

In this case, what you can do is address their concern and help them understand why these reasons are not in line with Islamic requirements.

There might be some cultural and personal challenges for them in accepting your chosen one. You may involve a trusted member of the community who can guide them according to Islamic teachings.

I am not sure what your case exactly is, so you need to think about it and see.

Also, you may think about your marriage plan and make sure that she is the right one for you.

Until then, you have to limit your contact and try your best to abide by Islamic teachings about the limitations and prohibition of premarital relations.

If Allah wants you to be together, you will be together, so there is no need to hurry or worry about it.

Just put your trust in Him and make sure that He will guide you.

You can learn in the meantime about Islamic marriage or take part in a webinar or course about it, so both of you are aware of the duties and rights of marriage.

Read this about the rights of husband and the wife. Check these series out: Getting Ready for Marriage, Tips for Happy Marriage,

Encourage her to learn more about Islam and guide her towards a good company that will help her practice the deen.

May Allah help you and give you success. 

Question 4. What shall I do if I want to marry a person I love but his parents resists?

I met a person in my college who truly loves and cares for me. Now he is working in abroad. We love each other and would like spend rest of the life together. After getting a job when he asked permission from his parents they disagreed. They objected because they want their daughter in law to stay with them and nurture them as they are too old. They don’t want me to work. He wants to marry me but he doesn’t want to disobey his parents. What shall I do now? Can you please suggest some duas to marry him.

Answer:

Salam alaikom wa rahmatullah dear sister,

Thank you for your question.

As I understand it, you met someone in Dubai and would like to marry; you both want to be together and love each other, but his parents refuse the idea because they want someone who is close to them and will take care of them in their old age. They do not want you to work either, but to stay with them.

He wants to marry you but does not want to disobey his parents.

Sister, what is first necessary, in my opinion, is a sincere conversation about your expectations for each other after marriage.

And the emphasis is on your and his expectations, as this is what primarily has to be in the right place, and you need to have an agreement regarding it.

You know, you may not have to stay home with their parents if your husband has other plans (for example, living abroad and visiting occasionally his parents only), but if he also shares this expectation with them, you need to talk about it seriously and arrive at an agreement prior to marriage.

We are surely commanded to be respectful with our parents and take care of them in their old age, so this is something very valuable in our tradition. So, if you marry and move to the house of his parents, you will most likely be involved in their lives.

Their concern is also understandable, as they want to feel nurtured and taken care of by you.

At the same time, your main duties as a wife are related to him and not to his parents.

In this article, Sheikh Ahmed Kutty states that:

“…there is no conflict between the wife’s right to have a separate house and the husband being dutiful to his parents. It is incumbent that the husband is dutiful to his parents and takes care of their needs. At the same time, the wife has the right to ask for a separate house…”

In other words, you are not obliged to serve or stay with them and be away from your husband for a long time if it is against his or your wishes. Read more about it here or here.

The same goes for your plans for working. Do you plan to work after marriage? What does he say about it? These issues are some of those that need to be discussed prior to marriage, and you have to be on the same page regarding them.

What I suggest is to talk about each other’s expectations and how you imagine marital life.

The more honest you are about your needs, the better for you in the long run. Because if there are possible incompatibilities in goals, plans, and expectations, they need to be addressed, discussed, and a compromise reached that is okay for all.

So, with this being said, please talk to your future husband and see whether there is common ground. If both of you agree, then it will be easier to approach his parents, although this is something he has to deal with.

Please find some helpful info here: Tips for Happy Marriage

May Allah help you with it. ameen.

Question 5. Prayer and Hatred

Assalamalaikum. Every day I read news about Muslims being subjected to torture and discrimination due to our faith. It has increased over the years and it feels like it will only get worse. Every such news makes me anxious and scared, I get worried about my family’s safety and my own. This distracts me from my work for some time. Please help.

Also, a second problem is I feel My imaan is strong, but I have been missing most of my prayers and even when I pray, I do it Mechanically. What do I do.

Answer:

Salam alaikom wa rahmatullah dear sister,

Thank you for your question.

The first part of your question is about the torture and discrimination due to our faith. Yes, this is something one may experience, especially if we live in places where Muslims are in the minority.

And certainly, this is more perceived in the media or when something happens that increases Islamophobic sentiments, and politicians and Tv/News can intensify that.

But I also want to tell you that reality is sometimes not as scary as it looks. It depends on your location, but there are places where Muslims live in relative peace with others, and they get along very well with their neighbors.

So, in a nutshell, what I can suggest to you is to switch focus and try to see the positive examples, because there are many.

If you think about it, since the birth of Islam, Muslims have been under attack; even our Prophet (peace be upon him) suffered from torture and ill-treatment from the people around him. Learn more about this here and here. 

What you can do is try to follow his example and make sure that you continue to spread peace around you and that you show up with your good character in society. Make sure that others will know you for your good manners, like the hadith says:

The Messenger of Allah [SAW] said: “The Muslim is the one from whose tongue and hand the people are safe, and the believer is the one from whom the people’s lives and wealth are safe.” (Sunan an-Nasa’i 4995)

I would also point out that if your anxiety reaches a level that impedes your daily routine, your work, you may seek counseling and get an assessment for a possible mental health issue.

The second part of your question is related to your imaan and your prayers.

You say that your imaan is strong, but you still miss some prayers and do them mechanically.

I understand you, sister. Sometimes we feel that we are not 100% there in our prayers, and we do it without really entering into them with our hearts.

This can also happen if you are not native Arabic speaker, as the meanings of the verses are not as obvious as in your mother tongue.

In this case, I advise you to go through time by time the meaning of the verses you usually recite before or after the prayer and ponder upon their meaning. Try to build them in and remember them while you are actually praying.

Prayer is like another routine, but it is actually the most important one in our lives. As Allah said, if on the Last Day our prayers are OK, we are going to be judged accordingly:

Hazrat Abu Hurairahra narrates that the Holy Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, said, “The first thing for which a person will be brought to account on the Day of Judgement will be his Salat. If it is found to be complete, then it will be recorded as complete and if anything is lacking, He will say, ‘Look and see if you can find any voluntary prayers with which to complete what he neglected of his obligatory prayers.’ Then the rest of his deeds will be reckoned in like manner.” (Sunan al-Nasai, Kitab al-Salat, Hadith 466)

And just as we try our best to stick to our other duties in life, like, for example, waking up for the alarm clock to arrive on time, trying not to miss deadlines, eating when we are hungry, etc., we have to think about our salah the same way, even if we do not see the reward in it.

It is like delayed gratification, a term in psychology: you may not see the reward right after your salah, but there is a clear promise for that in the Hereafter. You need to strive now for these rewards and assure your future with them.

When you go through a stressful time or there are some changes in our daily routine, such as an increase in your chores, you may be less attentive to our spiritual need, prayer.

It can happen, and as you said you are worried and anxious about the negative sentiments towards Muslims and Islam. Again, if this stress is too intense, I recommend counseling.

And think about it this way: prayer releases our stress, gives us comfort, and connecting with Allah during those moments gives us strength for the rest of the day. So, try to prioritize it among your chores and use it also as a stress-reliever.

Here are some articles that I recommend from our site in this topic:

Is an Empty Prayer Better than No Prayer?

How to Protect Our Prayer in a Fast-Paced World

Is Praying in Arabic Difficult For You?

I hope this helps, may Allah make it easy for you, ameen