Dear Brothers and Sisters,

Thank you for participating in the session.

Please find the 5 questions to which our counselor provided answers. If you do not find yours here, check out our upcoming session or submit it there again.

Thank you for your understanding.

Question 1. Disrespectful Daughter

As Salaamu Alkuim, please help me. I have a 13-year-old daughter who disrespects me, has physically fought me, skips school, lies and steals. I am raising her alone because her father really doesn’t care. I trying to help her fear Allah as much as possible but when I remind her, she says that she doesn’t care. She refuses to pray and treats me horribly. I make dua for her, pray for her and she still acts out. I have even taken her to the non-Muslims for a mental evaluation. Please advise me of what else can I do; I am getting physically sick due to all the stress she is causing me, missing time at work and I am slowly losing all hope in her getting better.

Answer:

Wa alaikom sister,

Thank you for writing.

Your daughter’s behavior can be a sign that something really bothers her. It can be a form of seeking help and attention from you.

I am not sure, but, as you said, you raised her alone. This can be very hard, especially if you have to balance your work with your parenting.

So my question would be whether you can spend enough time together. I mean, do you spend quality time together and pay attention to each other?

If you think that may not be the case, I kindly advise you to find a way to get closer to her to be able to get in touch with her feelings and thoughts.

As she is a teenager, you can expect intense reactions and rejection for your first attempts, but do not give up.

Keep trying without being pushy or forcing her. as this can be counterproductive, especially at this age.

So, try your best not to reprimand her or remind her of her faults and missed prayers.

At the same time, continue with your worship and show her the example of finding comfort in prayer in times of distress. 

You can start with an honest talk about letting her know that you are worried about her and would like to spend more time with her. You can talk about yourself too, sharing your feelings and what bothers you. Tell her that you’re feeling stressed, miss your work hours, and so on.

Aslo, I am not sure what happened to her father. When did you separate? Does she see him frequently? Could your separation be a source of distress for her? Does she miss her father, who “doesn’t really care”? Talk about her feelings, yours, and maybe the whole situation if that has not happened before.

Another tip is to ask her help with some smaller tasks; try to involve her in some activity you do. Or invite her to a program you think she will like.

This idea would serve as an opportunity to bond, to talk, and to spend time together without talking about what she does wrong. Give her time, and maintain your open attitude and willingness despite her negative reactions; that will mean a lot for her in terms of feeling loved and secure with you.

Just make her feel comfortable with you, and, in sha Allah, with time, she will open up more and talk about her struggles.

Then you can advise her and offer emotional support if needed.

May Allah make it easy for you.  

Question 2. Loss of faith

Assalamu Alaiykum,
I trust you are well by the grace of Almighty Allah. I am writing to raise an issue regarding my relationship with Allah Almighty. My ex-flatmate was a British and he claimed he has autism. I had a hunch that he might be lying because he seemed perfectly normal. Despite his condition and my doubt, I felt sympathetic towards him. Hence, occasionally I would gift him chocolates, and seeing him happy had a positive effect on my overall mood. Still, I would feel uncomfortable and get intimidated by his presence in the student kitchen. This is because he would intentionally pop into the kitchen when I am there. I made this known to him and reassured him I will get comfortable around him with him. He casually responded, ‘that’s interesting’. After few weeks, he accused me of bullying, harassing and abusing him. He alleged I harassed him electronically by sending him intimidating messages on WhatsApp. I showed the messages to the investigating Officer to prove I did not harass him; still she forced me to accept that I have done it regardless. Also, he complained I have torn the notice that he put up on the door of his room, which I admitted to, but it has nothing to do with him. He also accused me of giving him chocolates, which was surprising because I did it to show my kindness. During the overwhelming interrogation, I maintained my truthfulness that culminated into me moving accommodation. I was upset and appealed against the outcome; however, it was unsuccessful. During those tumultuous moments, I diligently attended my lectures/seminars and performed salah. I had faith in Allah Almighty He will resolve this problem; but He did not. I was treated unfairly by the University and injustice has been done to me. Finally, I moved accommodation, however this traumatic ordeal eventually impacted my academic performance and jeopardising my Year Abroad.. I continued praying to Allah even after the incident, but later I realised Allah Almighty never wanted my good, thus, He did not help me. Eventually, I lost my faith in Allah, and I began to have suicidal ideation. I started isolating myself and neglecting self-care and scared to get out of my bed. Underneath the blanket, I would grope for an axe closed eyes so that I can dig my own grave and bury myself alive. I still feel doing this would give me comfort and peace from the worldly affairs. I tried few times to perform salah, surprisingly, I discovered I am frightened to stand on the prayer mattress. I am anxious what if Allah tries to harm me again, because I have already gone through numerous difficulties and hardships in the past few months; however, this incident had the massive impact on my mental health. Allah Almighty made me go through unpleasant trials and tribulations, and my soul is no longer able to bear the burden. My subject divisional officer wants me to seek counselling support and talking therapy, unfortunately I don’t want to because I am not weak. I have already overcome numerous hardships successfully in my life; however, my divisional officer believe it is now time I seek help and support. Could you please advise on how I can deal with my negative thoughts regarding the aforementioned circumstance, and move forward to live my life to the fullest? I am really lost and sceptical about Allah and His plan, so, could you please explain why Allah does not help me when I need Him the most? Why does it seem like Allah does not hear and see me in agony? I am not sure whether I should ask you how I restore my faith and reconnect with Allah because I am extremely scared. I will appreciate any kind of suggestion and help regarding the matter of Allah.
May Allah Almighty bless you!

Answer:

Salam alaikom dear sister,

Thank you for your letter.

You are struggling with negative thoughts; you isolate yourself from others during this academic year, which you spend abroad; and most importantly, you say that you have lost faith in Allah because He was not there to help you in that situation when you most needed it.

I think there are some overlapping situations happening here, dear sister. I am sorry that you feel overwhelmed and desperate because of what has happened.

You are spending an academic year abroad and are accommodated near the university. So, as far as I understand, this has been a new situation for you, studying and living in a new place with other schoolmates.

This in and of itself is a challenging situation, as you need to deal with your studies and their expectations while also having social challenges in terms of finding your place in a new environment, making friends, finding comfort, and so on.

And on top of that, you relate that you had an incident with your roommate where you tried to maintain your truthfulness and explain your intentions, which were probably misunderstood. You prayed to Allah for help, and finally, as a result of an investigation, you were relocated to another accommodation.

Let me stop here for a moment, sister.

Why did you conclude that being relocated was a sign that Allah was not hearing you? Also, why did you conclude that this decision means that your explanation was rejected and found untrue?

Is there another alternative explanation?

For example, the university may relocate you to prevent future conflict and unpleasant situations with your roommate, who is said to be autistic and may require special attention.

Also, Allah may actually have heard your dua by moving out of a place where you experienced conflict and accusations for actions you did not intend to do any harm. Can this not be a possible help from Allah?

I am saying this because not the actual events but our interpretation of them matters and will affect our way of thinking and feeling, and it really can turn us down.

Unfortunately, this situation seems to have caused you too much distress and made you feel that you were being treated unjustly, which led to a decline in your mental health. You even had suicidal thoughts, which is something to be taken seriously.

You were advised to seek counseling, and I agree that that is a very good idea, especially if you are having suicidal thoughts.

This is not at all about being weak or not. It is about finding other ways of interpreting the event that caused you to feel unwell.

If you are experiencing depression, hopelessness, and, as a result, suicidal thoughts, you need professional support. So please turn to the university counselor. Talking therapy would be a great opportunity to talk out your concerns and find solutions with the help of a professional.

It is understandable that a situation like this affects you in a negative way. You are probably far from the social support of your family and friends. You could not focus on your studies as you wished, and you expected a lot from this opportunity. Not exceeding your expectations can also hinder your mental health.

So, again, do not hesitate to ask for help at the university. You know, this does not mean that you failed or were not strong enough at all.

So, there are many things that really and understandably can lead to a crisis, which is not necessarily spiritual but psychological.

Allah is always there, sister, when you look for His guidance. And He provides you with help and support, but sometimes we cannot see that. His help can come through people, situations, etc.

Think about it: you were offered counseling right at the university, right when you needed it.

Can this not be the blessing and the help of Allah, subhanwa wata Allah?

He hears your dua, so do not lose hope.

Just keep asking for His help while being open to the opportunities and seeing the guidance and help of Allah in them. Sometimes we cannot see the bigger picture, but trust me, Allah is the best planner. This is what the Quran says.

Continue with your prayers and seek repentance and forgiveness if you think that would ease you.

Check out these additional sources:

Dua is Powerful, But Why Not Answered Sometimes?

Why Doesn’t God Answer My Dua?

God Makes Me Feel Better – A Story on Trusting God

May Allah make it easy for you, ameen.

Question 3. What do you when family members exploit your rights?

Salaam,

My father died years ago and after that we’ve had many ups and downs. He left us with some lands which were our source of bread and butter. It’s just me and my mother in the family. My mother has given her brother a lot of power over us. I’m struggle with breaking free, but Pakistani society is hyper patriarchal but not quite Islamic no matter what we pretend. Because people don’t respect the rights Allah has given women. My mother’s brother has now snatched all our property, leaving us with nothing. The legal situation in Pakistan is very complicated and these matters take years to resolve. I don’t know what to do. I’m single. Have no support system and my mother is a stereotypical doormat woman living under toxic patriarchal rule of her brother who obviously has no fear of Allah. I don’t have a support system or a job right now. And before you ask, there are no relatives in family who can do something because people want to be in his good books. We’re gaslit into silence. I don’t have a hope that I’ll get our property back. But i want to break free. My self respect is hurt being an adult muslimah and having no agency over my life. Religious and social blackmailing is abundant because I’m told I must obey whatever man wants to oppress me. But I have no father, brother, or husband. So why can’t I exists as an individual? Marriage is definitely a plan for the future. But my uncle doesn’t want me getting married and I won’t be able to until I’m free of his draconian presence. I want to find a job or a scholarship, relocate. I want to be able to hold my head high as a muslima and only perform sajdah to Allah. I’m tired of this oppression. We don’t even live in his house but his presence is like a shackle in our lives. My mother tells me people will consider me an eloped woman if I as much as tried relocating to a different city. But I don’t understand this. He doesn’t own us and I don’t accept him as my owner. He’s only a shamless oppressor. So why can’t I build my own life? I have to reclaim my respect. I feel so trampled as a human being. Inshaallah I’ll find a kind husband, but until then, why can’t I exist as a whole human being, reclaim my mobility, and make my own decisions? My mother is also in a weak state of mind. I can’t let her drive my life. Please guide me.

Answer:

Salam alaikom, sister,

Thank you for writing.

Reading you, it seems obvious that you do not feel at your place where you are right now. You would like to break free, live your own life, and make your own decisions, but you happen to have circumstances where you can hardly feel that you can do that.

I am sorry to hear of your distress, honestly. I am aware that not all places and situations offer equal opportunities and possibilities when someone needs help. And, when one is aware of what should be a solution but, for some reason—cultural, familiar, whatever—it is not available, it is quite limiting, for sure.

I am not sure, but I have the feeling that you are aware of this and see it from another perspective. At the same time, it can also cause you distress as it makes you dissatisfied with what you have, and when there actually seems to be no way out, it can be very frustrating.

I know that family can interfere a lot in the decisions of individuals, and yes, to an extent where there is nothing Islamic about it at all.

I understand what you write about oppression, about wanting to be the owner of your life and only making sujood to Allah.

So, sister, please do this. Start with this. Make Allah first in your life. Think about the fact that there must be something to learn in this situation; that is why He placed you there.

Allah wants us to experience that sometimes things do not happen as we want them or when we want them. There is a delay, causing us unease as we feel that we are ready. It is so embarrassing to feel that change does not happen.

This does not mean giving up your dreams or living without hope for change. I am sure that there is a solution for you too, although maybe in a different way than you expect.

It means that time has not come yet, and for your own good, as Allah knows and sets the best time for everything in our lives. Just put Him in the first place and wish to please Him.

You are talking about making your own decisions, living your own life, and reclaiming your mobility. And also, that your mother is weak in mind, and you do her to drive your life.

I understand that all this could be very disappointing and frustrating.

Given these circumstances, what could be the best possible solution? Think about it and try to go for it.

Marriage? Is having a good spouse with whom you can move somewhere else and feel more independent and able to make your own decisions an option?

You know that this is the plan for you in the future, but your uncle does not want to marry you.

Sister, he cannot prevent you from marrying. I know it is easy to say. But you may find a good reason and present it to your uncle.

You may even try to talk with your mother, but focus on your needs and not on their faults or the system around you. Just let her know that you would like to form a family with someone you like.

If this cannot happen now, try the option of relocating without letting your mother’s fears and worries influence you. She may want to protect you in her own way and want the best for you.

Another thing I would suggest is finding a balance in your thoughts about all these. Surely, when we are overwhelmed, we may go a bit “black and white” in our thinking and see the situation as bad and horrible altogether. But are you sure that everything is as bad in general as you describe? Isn’t there another way to look at the situation?

I kindly advise to make an attempt to understand where they are coming from and see their possible efforts despite all this. I am not sure, whether you express your opinion to your mother or uncle this way, but if yes, try to be cooperative in your communication. As if you directly confront them and criticize them, there is a greater possibility that you will experience rejection and denial.

We feel contentment when we want what we can have at the moment when we can have it. So, I kindly advise to seek solutions according to your actual possibilities and try to make the most out of your situation with having faith in the perfect plan of Allah.

Make dua to Him to bring you closer to your dreams and to those situations that would comfort you and make you happy.

I am sure that you will find them, in sha Allah. May Allah bring you happiness, ameen.

Question 4. Trust

How to develop trust between couple?

Due to previous bas experience I lost trust and now I’m not able to trust.

Answer:

Salam alaikom, dear sister,

Thank you for your question.

You say that due to a previous bad experience, you lost trust, and now you are not able to trust.

You do not detail whether you are married or just seeking one, or whether this bad experience can be linked to your actual partner or to someone else in your past. Also, you do not know what this experience is, and this lack of information limits my capacity to answer your question.

I am not sure whether sincere repentance and asking forgiveness have followed this experience, or, in other words, whether the other person has genuinely repented and admitted his wrongdoing. This is something that would be important to be able to successfully start a new chapter, especially if you attempted to rebuild trust within the same relationship.

One thing you can do is keep your focus in the present and not in the past. Do you have evidence that this experience will be repeated again? Are you sure about it?

You may not, but, understandably, you build your vision based on past experiences, but this is not always helpful and beneficial. As there is no guarantee that will happen to you again, you may try to switch focus and try to imagine a more positive future for you as a couple.

I can imagine that after a painful experience, you want to avoid being hurt again, and that’s alright. To regain trust, you might need repeated good experiences with your spouse to correct that link in your mind into a healthier, more positive one.

So, what you can do is actively seek these positive experiences in your relationship.

Decide that you will only notice in your spouse those behaviors that make you feel trusted. What are these?

Think about them and write them down.

What are the signs and attitudes that would make you feel loved and trusted? Kind words? Affirmations? More time together? Transparent communication?

Write down the list, then decide that you will focus on these things in your interactions.

If you have a spouse, you can talk about these points and express to them that these are your needs to feel safe in the relationship. At the same time, discuss your partner’s list and make efforts to fulfill his needs for love and trust.

If you are looking for a spouse, you can talk about these points during the courting period.

If you mutually take care of each other’s needs and try to communicate in each other’s “language of love,” you may feel safer and more loved by one another.

Give yourself time for healing; it generally takes time and effort to regain trust.

There are some keywords that can help in this process, and you both need to commit yourselves to them:

• promises: try to fulfill your promises and commit yourself to sincere communication.
• Respect: try to respect each other’s space and do not let your fears lead your behavior. Do not be overly suspicious or controlling.
• do not remind the other always to his past mistake
• Take responsibility for your actions and admit mistakes (both of you).
• Do good deeds for each other to foster kindness and love.
• express your feelings to each other sincerely. Let the other know how his behavior makes you feel, whether it is positive or negative.

And, of course, you can also build trust by trusting Allah and His infinite love and wisdom. Know that everything will be alright, and that in every struggle there is something to gain.

I hope this helps,

Check out these sources from our site for additional info:

Is Trust in Marriage Really that Important?

Learning How to Heal and Trust Again after Cheating

Healing Power of Negative Emotions

Question 5. Cultural and personal differences with mu husband who lives in the West

Assalamualaikum, I am a 28-year-old housewife with 1.5-year-old toddler. My husband wanted a modern wife, I have a reserved mindset, we are both born Muslims, he wants me to dress up modestly with hijab & makeup and fitting clothes while going out and wants me to meet & talk to his male friends/colleagues etc. I don’t like it. We had an arranged marriage, I got to know him later.

We have talked about it, he’s an open-minded person and wants me to be like him, and socialize.

I on the other hand wants to wear niqab and not Interact with males unless necessary. We have fought so much on this, I gave up, me being wife have to listen to him. I am trying my best to wear scarf & modest clothes. But not wearing abaya and niqab hurts me a lot.  It makes me sad to not observe niqab the way I wanted, I told him so but he doesn’t budge. He says he is compromising his desires as well.

He’s in western country and he tells me all women wear very provocative clothing there. I feel very insecure and old and ugly now, even though I know I want to please Allah, I feel sad because of my husband, i feel he’s never happy with me whatever I do.

He has female colleagues and study partners who are working outgoing dress up well. He talks to them a lot and I feel so jealous. Sometimes I wonder if has extra marital relationship? I trust him to a point but my insecurities make me doubt.

We are in a long distance and will reunite in 4 months InshAllah. But I feel lost, he doesn’t compliment my beauty anymore. He does all his obligations, takes care of me and kid, financially and is kind & doesn’t abuse Alhumdulillah. But I feel so unloved, unworthy, I crave to have a more loving relationship and I have told him so, we both know I can’t do anything about it. I tell him repeatedly to love Me, talk to Me romantically but he just jokes and says if I were modern like he wanted he might have been more romantic. Or he jokes that he should be strict speaking like our subcontinent, desi culture guys are. He says the honey-moon phase is over. I don’t know what to do. Maybe I am being ungrateful, cause people have worse problems. But I am hurting. Is it asking too much to be loved by your husband? Just the way you are?

We went to counselling as well but it didn’t have much benefit. I feel like I am the only one carrying the burden of the relationship while my husband isn’t much happy with me either I feel.

Answer:

Salam alaikom sister,

Thank you for writing to us.

If I understand your letter correctly, you are married—through arranged marriage—to your husband, and he lives in the West. You will be reunited in 4 months. He lives a modern life and expects you to do the same thing.

He wants you to dress well, with matching hijab, make-up, and modest clothes, and points out that women wear provocative clothes where he works and that if you were modern, he might have been more romantic with you.

Also, you say that you feel unloved and think that he is not happy with you. I am sorry to hear that, sister.

I think in your letter there is a mixture of personal and cultural differences and expectations, so it would be good to explore this more in detail.

There is one thing I cannot fully understand from your letter, and that is that you say that you are in a long-distance relationship now and that you will be reunited in 4 months.

So, what you detail here are his future expectations, or does he expect this from you when you meet in your home country or talk online?

Have you already been to this Western country?

You say that you are trying your best to wear scarf and modest clothes. But not wearing an abaya and niqab hurts you a lot.

Where does this happen to you, sister? In your homeland or during your possible visits to the West?

I am asking these questions because there can certainly be huge cultural differences between an Asian or Muslim majority and a Western country. Those who immigrate commonly experience a cultural shock and need time to adapt to the new environment.

The culture and customs influence the norms and interactions, even for us, Muslims.

And people do differ in their responses to this challenge. Some try to fit more, others less.

What you present here can be partly related to these cultural differences. If you move there soon, you will have to go through this adaptation and find the balance between taking the good from this new culture while maintaining your religious identity.

During this adaptation, what should be considered is keeping the intention of pleasing Allah and not others. And this goes for your husband too.

At the same time, you have quite a lot of freedom to express your modesty and fit in with the culture around you.

In each Muslim majority country, there has been a specific way to observe hijab, and this goes for Western countries too. You can find different colors, ornaments, ways to wear hijab, etc.

There is a possibility to dress modestly, using matching colors; the important thing is to avoid making choices for only beautification, for the attention of the opposite sex, and for pleasing someone other than Allah.

You can explore your possibilities and find alternatives that you still feel comfortable with, are Islamically acceptable, and fit in the culture where you live too.

If you grew up in a country where, for example, wearing a niqab is normal, you probably naturally feel comfortable in it, as everyone (or at least many) wears it.

In the West, this can be completely the opposite, as this is not the norm and is culturally much less accepted, even being rejected. This can lead to a very different experience, and in fact, it does lead to many.

I am not a scholar, so I am not talking about whether to wear a niqab or not in the West. What I am talking about are the psychological effects of wearing it in a place where it is culturally unacceptable, less acceptable, or even banned.

Depending on your locality, you may fit better in a modest dress than in a black abaya, for example. Although your personal choice can still be a black abaya or a niqab, if that is what you find comfortable.

You will see it, sister, and find your own way, once you have experienced it. The important thing is that you feel good and comfortable in your decision and have not compromised your faith and choices.

On the other hand, is it possible that your husband is trying to “prepare” you for this change with these examples?

What you can do is talk about this with him, about his experiences, and share your concerns. You can clarify his intentions about wanting you to dress publicly this way too.

And this related to another point about your husband and his wish to see you in more attractive clothes and make-up.

If this is done in private, it is understandable and Islamically acceptable. We are advised to dress up nicely for our husband and wear attractive clothes. Read more here and here.

This can spark more love and attraction towards you, especially if he lives in an environment where “all women wear very provocative clothing.”

Your husband said that he also compromises his desires and that “if I were modern like he wanted, he might have been more romantic.”

Sister, try to adjust yourself too, according to his needs. I think is not about being “modern” or not. Yes, he should love and accept you as you are, but you can seek the means to please him and try to respond to his needs.

Focus on what you can do for change and start taking action. It may take time, but he will probably respond more positively if he feels that you want to be attractive to him.

At the same time, pleasing him has a limit, and this is the command of Allah. You are not required to give up Islamic guidelines to please your husband, whichever country you live in.

If you think that your husband makes too many compromises on his faith, you can kindly remind him or ask a trustworthy person to do that, preferably someone who has experienced life in the West.

What you can also do is connect with other sisters from that country and ask about their experiences. They know both cultures, so they know the differences between them. This can help you understand your husband and where he is coming from.

I can also suggest individual counseling with a Muslim who knows both cultures and can advise you more in depth about these specific concerns.

If your relationship has been a long-distance one, it certainly has its challenges, as there is less room for physical connection, bonding, and expressing love and care for each other. That is why it would be important to work on the ways that both of you expresses their love and care for each other. If you are reunited, that would be a good opportunity, in sha Allah. 

May Allah make it easy for you.