Dear Brothers and Sisters,

Thank you for participating in the session.

Please find below the 8 questions our counselor provided answers for. If you do not have yours here, check the upcoming sessions or submit your concern again.

Thank you for your understanding.

Question 1. Can a Victim of Sexual Assault Be Also Guilty?

As-Salam ‘Alaykum.

I hope you’re doing well.

We recently discovered that one of our friends had a difficult experience. When she was 16, a man of 24 came to talk to her on social media telling her he saw her at a wedding (with a fake account first, then he passed it off as a joke and he started using his real account to convince our friend). Even though it was strange for her from the start, after a few sweet words she agreed to talk to him, telling us she was naive and didn’t think anything bad could happen to her because she was too young and didn’t think a man could hurt her.

After 2/3 weeks of conversation, he asked her to be in a relationship and then to meet, something she accepted, despite the hesitation. She didn’t know it was haram to be in a relationship like that by the lack of religious education at that time, and she believed in the goodness of the person.

They met a total of 3/4 times, the last two times he offered her a car ride for some privacy. The first time in the car he kissed our friend without her consent (she pushed him away and asked him what he was doing/why? He came back to kiss her and he told her he did that because he loves her, and that’s normal) although she showed that she does not consent. Disturbed, she said to herself that it must be a normal act in a couple to avoid feeling bad.

2 days later, he invited her to his home but she didn’t accept. 4/5 days after this act, she had to go on vacation. With the intention of saying goodbye to him, she left to see him. In the car, this man asked her to take part in sexual acts. Despite non-consent, request confusion, misunderstanding and especially feeling obligated because he insisted, she took part in some acts, but she was not raped. Left in tears, in shock, she had just understood the bad intention of the man she hadn’t seen coming. Then, she went on vacation and stopped the relationship after that even if he insisted on continuing the relationship.

We believe that our friend was the victim of a sexual assault, by a person who can almost be described as a pedophile and that she shouldn’t feel guilty.

But, we asked questions to people who are more knowledgeable about religion, and some of the points of view are harsh (If she agreed to see him, she deserved it, what did she except from haram relationship, it’s normal for it to happen to her/it’s her fault too, she’s 50% guilty, it’s a form of zina, haram attracts haram…)

How should we approach this subject religiously speaking? Our friend has repented for everything, but should we act as if she is guilty too? If so, why? Any advice to help her?

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Question 2. Feeling Guilty for Childhood Sins

Assalamualaikum…I am not sure that time I got my first period or not …but I am not 100%sure…95% sure I did not get…I was so small that cannot even remember my age and year. It was not physical relationship or intercourse, just I danced with one boy who used to stay in our house and he touched my body with his face from head to toe…I am feeling guilty…I already shared this with my husband and daughter and my mom, my sister but they showed as a silly matter…not to worry…But I am still feeling guilty…please let me know, is this sin countable? Cause I can’t even remember I was balikh or not.

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Question 3. Not Pretty Enough: Parents Say to Marry the 1^st Who Likes Me

I am 23-year-old. My parents are looking for a spouse for me. I am a bit dark skinned and the guys are not finding me pretty. Due this reason my parents are saying I can’t be picky about a guy and I should get married to the one who likes me even if he doesn’t have qualities which I need in a spouse or to whom I am not attracted. They are saying if I become really specific and picky no one will marry me. Me and my parents are religious. I have tried making them understand it’s not my fault that guys are not finding me pretty and I should not compromise because of this. But they are not understanding and this making me resent and disrespectful against them. Is there a solution to this?

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Question 4. Having Hatred Towards the Opposite Gender 

Recently I have been thinking about eliminating my desire for the opposite gender through tablets or surgery. This is because I have a hard time embracing the fact women are fitnah for men. I don’t like this weakness and want to eliminate it from my life.

I don’t have a problem with being a man but I have strong hatred towards the opposite gender and towards this weakness. I can’t stand it. Unfortunately, I don’t think any surgeons are available for this and medication may have side effects and/or other issues.

I have a feeling that if this question gets answered, the answer is going to have something along the lines of “Men are fitnah for women as well”, please don’t do that. It’s not the same for women.

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Question 5. Guy’s Parents Judge and Refuse Me Based on My Culture

I met a guy during an exchange and we had been communicating online since I returned home. We knew that our personalities matched and everything felt right so we agreed to get married, in a year or so. His parents were supportive at first but just last week, they were against it. They disliked the culture in my country from an Islamic perspective and didn’t like that we speak different languages (they speak Arabic and my family speaks different languages). I already explained to them that my culture didn’t necessarily define who I was and I took an Arabic course too. They said, it was about our parents being unable to communicate without me and their son as the translators (our moms don’t speak English). They wanted someone from a specific country with the same cultural background. They knew their son was trying to get to know someone from another country since the beginning and were okay with it but suddenly changed their minds. They were also against us communicating online even though we barely talked on the phone.

Now we stopped communicating. This guy told me that he dreamed of marrying me a long time ago and made him certain. But he tried to talk to his parents to no avail. I also had a similar dream. He prayed istikhara many times and his parents still disagreed even though he was sure that I was the right person. He is a good son so he followed his parents and gave up after a month of arguing. His parents threatened not to acknowledge his marriage if we end up together. They would also disown him. So now he leaves everything to Allah and still hopes he can marry me. However, he let Allah decides how we will meet again in the future without communicating with me now.

So I wanted to know what I need to do. I still believe he is the right person and so does he. I even agreed to wait for him with minimum communication until we are 100% ready for marriage. But this family situation stops us from moving forward. I also wanted to know how to tell if it was the answer to his istikhara.

Thank you

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Question 6. Husband with ADHD: I Can’t Cope with It

Asalamalaykum, I’ve been married for 7 years and my husband us extremely explosive, volatile and unpredictable. He’s been informally diagnosed with ADHD and having researched his behavior he displays all the common traits of a narcissist.

I’ve a very strong resilient person, however he’s chipped away at me and I now feel like I’m near insanity. He displays no empathy or compassion. I’ve told him I’m falling apart but he carries on as normal. I cannot cope with the emotional abuse. He claims he’ll go to the appointment that I’ve made with a physiotherapist, meanwhile I’m literally losing my mind as he’s unbearable to cope with. Please advise what I can do.

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Question 7. My Sister Is Creating Problems, Please Advise!

ASA,
My sister is creating problem between her daughter and her husband and asking her to get a divorce. They both are very happy with each other Please advise

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Question 8.  I’m in a Forced Marriage, and Love Someone Else

As Salam Alaykum
In 2017 at the age of 16 I got forcefully married. The person I married he don’t trust me. I always told my parents that I want divorce. I was never happy in this marriage. He is a good person. But I don’t love him. I don’t have any feelings for him. Sometimes I feel like we don’t have any connection. I’m 21 now. But still, I couldn’t accept this marriage. I tried but still a part of me couldn’t accept it. I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. I love someone else. He is a non-Muslim. I pray every day. I pray that someday he will be a Muslim and he will be mine in this life and after life. We don’t talk or meet. Even didn’t touched each other. I just want a life with the person I love. I’m married so can I make this type of dua?

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