While growing up I've never been in a haram relationship, Alhumdulillah, my friends I’ve grown up with have and have had their experiences (good or bad) but I believe it had shaped them to become the best version of themselves. Some have been married to who they were with.
The issue with me is growing up without any of this experience has made me very reserved and quiet, which has affected my personality and confidence quite negatively. While I am not for haram relationships I feel now that I have to look for a wife, I feel very backwards compared to everyone else due to my whole life being quite reserved. To add further, haraam relationships have made the community fall into zina a lot more common and I usually have a very little trust in everyone now due to this, I feel like whoever I get married to will compare me with their previous relationships.
In a nutshell you could say I feel like I have tried to stick to the halal route in a world full of haraam, yet they have ended up in happy marriages earlier (everyone should be happy by the way, I do not wish wrong upon anyone) but for the good people I find it’s a struggle to find someone in this world to get married to, given the nature of how soft hearted a good person is and how people try to take advantage of it. There have been occasions were haraam relationships were there for me but I never went ahead with it. This issue along with my reserved nature and trust issues with new people makes it hard for me to look for someone.
I find that people are getting married to those that they were with have it a lot easier. I understand Allah is protecting me from all kinds of evil, I pray my daily prayers and tahajjud, duas and always ask for guidance. However, I am not sure how to go about looking for someone when you have trust issues, I do not wish to delay marriage further as I get older. I have heard what’s for you will come to you even if it were beneath mountains but what is my duty (the part where I need to tie my camel) before I leave the rest to Allah?
Answer
When you are thinking about getting married, it is normal to be a bit nervous or doubtful. Before every decision, there is some form of uncertainty about your future.
Do not rely on false assumptions: those who were in haram relationships before are not necessarily more confident and successful in their marriages either.
You can be very proud of yourself that you were able to stay pure for the sake of Allah during these years despite the influence of people around; this is a sign of your great inner strength.
Once you start to get to know someone, you will feel more confident in yourself.
The important thing is to know your future spouse in a halal way and make sure that there is compatibility, confidence, and sincerity between you.
Judge them by the present and not by their past: some people commit sins at a young age, then truly repent and become better Muslims as a result of their trials.
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More from Sr. Aisha:
- I’m Not In Love with My Husband; I Don’t Know Why
- I Want to Get Married, But I am Poor; What Can I do?
- I Lost My Hair; I Will Never Get Married
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