And she doesn’t hv that trust on me (many times when there's a problem between us siblings so she always used to ask me to do sabr or keep quiet but now she says I won’t say you that all now cuz I used to trust and blv u that you'll sabr) Yk what! this thing is hurting me more than anything I dunno nothing I just want her to trust me again and be happy with meh but idk how to do that cuz I don’t fell myself worthy of asking forgiveness as I hv already done so many mistakes and my mother forgave me but this time I'm myself ashamed!
Plz help me gaining that trust of my mother again and plz give me some tips to control my anger and tongue and not let shaitan control meh! Plz tell me that how can I plz my mother whom I've badly hurt! cuz I can’t live my life like dis! 😭 Plz help me out!!
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- Follow the prophetic recommendations to control your anger.
- Learn to be assertive and to express your needs during a more quiet, kind, and respectful conversation. Either speak good or remain silent.
- Tell your mother that you have sincerely repented for the way you spoke to her. You were too emotional to be able to judge the weight of your words at that moment. Give her enough time.
Wa alaikom salam dear sister,
Thank you for turning to us for help. It feels from your letter that you are really feeling hurt for what has happened between you and your mother and would really like to gain her trust again.
It was not long time ago, so the experience is still painful and it hurts. Probably for both of you. It is understandable, nonetheless, after an argument like the one you describe.
Sister, I am not trying to say that it is OK to lose control, scream, yell, or say bad things to a parent. Not at all. But I would like you to know that this happens.
Losing Control in Extreme Anger
In the heat of an argument, when one gets so emotional that their impulses take control over their thoughts, people end up saying things they would normally never say to anyone, especially to someone they love.
And certainly, this moment has hurt and caused pain to others.
Some people, for example, end up divorcing their spouses during a rage.
Islam recognizes this state, where our decisions and words—especially when we are under the influence of intense emotions—are altered and we cannot be held accountable for them. Read more about it here.
How to Control Anger:
At the same time, we need to learn to manage our emotions both externally and inwardly and practice the habit of emotional awareness. You are asking for some tips, so here they are:
- Starting with the Prophetic recommendations: when you feel that you are getting emotional, and start noticing the physiological changes in your body (heat, sweating, fastened heartbeat, etc.) say bismillah and seek refugee in Allah from the Satan. Drink some cold water, change your position (even if it means going outside), and ask for a few minutes to calm down.
- The Prophet advised us to suppress our anger. Instead of lashing out, try to convert this energy into a more constructive one. For example, by learning how to be assertive instead of aggressive. Instead of your frustration, try to focus on something positive, for example, the love between you and your mother, to help suppress the anger. Or remember Allah and His Mercy.
- At the same time, when things have calmed down, you need to “finish” the discussion and express your needs during a more quiet, kind, and respectful conversation and not let your frustration “stack inside,” as it can also lead to physical and mental health problems.
- Controlling anger also means not interacting with others until you calm down. For many people, one of the most difficult things is to control the tongue, i.e., not say anything back when a conversation starts to get emotional.
It is not accidental that the Prophet (pbuh) said,
“when he was asked about that for which people are admitted into the Fire the most, and he said: ” The mouth and the private parts,”
and he advised either speak good or remain silent. If you hold your words back, it helps you to suppress your rage as well.
- I am not sure how your temperament is in general (which is a genetically determined disposition) or what type of anger and emotional management you have seen in your home. Both will influence your way of expressing and dealing with emotions. If you are prone to being easily irritable, you might need to put in some extra work. Here are some useful videos and articles from our site that might be beneficial for you, in sha Allah: The Art of Conversation, Anger Management Tips, What Is Anger & How to Control It?
Gaining Your Mother’s Trust Back
Sister, I advise you to talk to your mother and tell her that you have sincerely repented for the way you spoke to her.
That you realized that it was hurtful, but you were too emotional to be able to judge the weight of your words at that moment.
At the same time, if there are some underlying issues that hurt you, I advise you to share them with her and try to settle the conflict down.
Also let her know how does her behavior and words make you feel and that you are also get hurt in these moments. Try to express your needs to her, and you will, inshallah, feel more understood.
Ask for forgiveness from her, from Allah, and finally, but not least, from yourself. We all make mistakes, sister; none of us is perfect.
But after asking for forgiveness, try to focus on the present and the future and on how you can reconstruct the love and trust between you.
Here are some tips:
- Give your mother time. It happened not long ago. She might need some time until she processes your words and the fact that you said them out of control. Reassure her of your love and that you are working on having a better relationship with her and also on how to manage your emotions.
- While you are learning about anger management, you can share it with her and learn together. Good, sincere, and transparent communication in the family is important, and you may both benefit from assertive communication and emotional management techniques. Check these articles: How to Practice Non-Violent Communication in Rajab, Prophet Muhammad’s Unique Communication Skills, Effective Communication: Fighting Fair
- Try to show accountability for your deeds from now onwards even more, and responsibility for your mistakes. Admitting them instead of blaming the circumstances or others will increase your credibility.
- If you promise something, try to keep your word and also try to be consistent in your behavior. You may get angry in the future; it can happen. But try to work on dealing better with these conflicts by expressing your needs with respect and kindness, being honest, admitting your mistakes, and asking for forgiveness when necessary.
Sister, I hope that these tips will ease your guilt. I am sure that you will overcome this situation, by the will of Allah.
These conflicts with the loved ones help us also to realize their value in your life and to improve your relationship together.
I pray to Allah to help you restore trust between each other.
More from Orsolya Ilham O.:
- Feeling Not Good Enough for the Love of Allah; Please Help!
- Recovering from Past Abuse, How to Deal with Triggers?
- Confusing Feelings: Is This Love or Not?
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.