Dear Brother/Sisters,

Thank you for participating in the session.

Here are the 4 questions our counselor provided answers for.

If you do not find yours, please submit it again to our next session or check the answers in the upcoming counseling session.

Thank you for your patience and understanding.

Question 1. How do I know if Allah is blessing my marriage?

Salam everyone. I am having lots of worries about my current situation. I met a guy around a year ago and we clicked so fast Subhanallah. He is very religious Alhamdullilah and is making me a better Muslim. Subhanallah, I have been getting so many signs of things going well. When I told my parents, him and my father clicked very quickly and it was easier than I thought (my father is very aggressive and I am the first to ever have brought something like this up in my family). My question is, when I first met him, I liked him a lot so I decided to pray istikhara for the first time. I have a terrible history of anxiety, and I was so scared that I was going to get a bad feeling after istikhara. After I prayed, I was feeling incredibly anxious. I’m not sure if this anxiousness is just because I’m worried, I’m going to get a bad feeling that Allah is against us being together or if that IS the feeling. Again, everything is going very smoothly Alhamdullilah, I’m just nervous about this because I’m already very attached. My father is already planning an engagement and I am nervous that I shouldn’t be with him! I also talked to my mom about this and she told me I was just being anxious and that istikhara is not something I should do because of my stress. What are your thoughts? JAK

Answer:

Salam Aleikom dear sister,

Thank you so much for writing us and sharing your story.
Marriage is such a big decision that brings many changes in life. Of course, you feel anxious, I would say this is something totally normal.

It is really a good sign that your father accepts him and is planning your engagement. You said you also liked him when you met, you feel a kind of attachment to him, even after praying istikhara. Sister, there are all indications inshallah that you are on the right track!
What worries you? What are your exact thoughts in your head when you feel anxious? What are you afraid of? And what could you do to calm these worrisome thoughts that cause trouble in your heart? Maybe you want to ask some more questions from this man? Or meet him more? I would dig a bit deep in this through journaling.

Take a notebook or a piece of paper and start writing our all your feelings and thoughts. Inshallah it usually brings clarity and peace. One thing to have thoughts in your mind and another is seeing them on a piece of paper. I highly encourage you do this exercise. Moreover, keep doing it every day. Journaling is such a powerful tool to understand ourselves. Inshallah it will help you to calm down and see everything clearly.

If you feel the thoughts still bother you excessively, I would encourage you to seek help from a professional. Even About Islam offers counseling services. Maybe you would like to talk through your worries with a psychologist – there is no shame about it. It would be better than entering into a marriage with all kinds of excessive fears.

At the same time, I would encourage you to turn to Allah. Complain to Him about your worries in your duas. He is the only one who can change hearts and help you have peace. Tell him what bothers you, what you are afraid of, and ask Him to help you.

I would also encourage you to pray istikhara and see what life brings to you. The answer of istikhara comes through events in life that either facilitate or block the issue you made istikhara about. Walk with open eyes.

The third thing I would encourage you about is preparing for marriage. There are many great books and courses online that would help the two of you enter into such a sacred bond with clear mind and attached heart. Maybe you want to enroll together so that this also brings you together.
May Allah calm your heart down and bless your marriage inshalla.
Salam,

Question 2. I want to get married but I cannot let my parents know because they will say I am shameless

Assalamu Alsikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wabarakatuhu,

My Question is that I really want to get married and I am 20 years old but this month I am gonna be 21. However, I cannot let my parents know because I fear they will say I am shameless. Even I cannot share my feelings with my mom. I am worrying about it and also I do not know when they will look a spouse for me. I do not want any haram relationship. I want a rightous spouse. I know that ALLAH will make a way out for me and I am praying to ALLAH. I am also worrying about the fact that I am trying my best to become a practicing Muslim, as a result, I want a partner who will be practicing as well but I fear about my culture. In Bangladesh most people are not very religious even they pray but not practicing. I fear because I do not want a marriage ceremony that contains haram activities. On the other hand, my parents wanted me to marry another man who is relatives of mine. However, I did not agree and my parents forced me but know that situation became normal they are also not talking about it Alhamdulillah. For that reason, the relationship between me and my father is not so well now. My mother and father always think that I am a bad girl, I do not listen to them. They always talk about their rights they do not even try to listen or understand me. No matter what they believe that I am a bad person. But to be honest I love them. Sometimes I get so angry because they just say things which are not right. To be honest I fear ALLAH and often I think that if I fail in this case. If I do not respect my parents then I am going to hell. But I pray for them and love them, I always try but they do not believe me. I often, feel so upset about all the things. Mom usually says that I do not love her, and care for her but in my heart I do. I feel angry because none of them are true even if I say my mom does not believe. She usually says that what is the point of praying and all the things that I do for my LORD, she says it is not going to benefit because I do not love them or respect them. My mom also tells other relatives about me that I am a bad girl. I feel like I am a burden for them yet I do not want to be a burden for anyone. Now, I do not know if they will look out a partner for me or not. what should I do. Lastly, I had quit my job as well. Know, I am having difficulty finding a job, and because of that reason I am feel sad as well. I am feeling like a burden on my parents. We are three sisters and I am the oldest one. In my family now my dad just works and no one. I want to support them.

JazakALLAH HU KHAIRAN

Answer:

Salam Aleikom dear sister,

Thank you for writing with your concern. I will take parts from your question and reflect on it. Inshallah you will find it useful.
“I want a partner who will be practicing as well but I fear about my culture. Now, I do not know if they will look out a partner for me or not.”

I believe it would be important to identify what exactly “practicing” means to you. For some, just to mention an extreme example, it is wearing niqab. Or praying all Sunnah prayers with tahajjud. Or having lots of children. Or not listening to music at all. Or memorizing at least X juz from the Quran. Others might be fine just with the five daily prayers. They listen to music and only read Quran once a week.

How is a practicing Muslim man look for you?

How you will find this partner? Well, I am not sure how in your country people look for spouses, whether you can ask your other relatives and friends about potential spouses, but what I am sure about is when Allah decree for you to find your partner, you will find it biznillah. Do not search for it rigidly, do not fear you will not find it, do not be too exhausted about this topic: just enjoy your days, focus on your present moments, and have an open eye. Turn to Allah always with your concerns, ask Him to grant you a righteous spouse. Allah knows best when and where this man will appear in your life. You are still very young, do not worry.

Marriage is challenging at times. It is not all about pinky life like how films tend to depict. Yes, it is a blessing, it brings so much joy and inspiration, yet it is something we should get prepared for in order to attract really whom we match the most. To be able to decide whether the person you meet really matches your wishes, and you not only see him through pinky glasses.
Therefore, I highly suggest you read some articles on About Islam, or some books, or even enroll in a course about marriage.

“The relationship between me and my father is not so well now. They always talks about their rights they do not even try to listen or understand me. Mom usually says that I do not love her, and care for her but in my heart I do.”

Young adulthood, the age you are at, is a transitional period and thus a hard one for both parents and children. You are not a child anymore yet you just stepped on the path of establishing your own adulthood life. Parents are in a role to not only care for you but teach you for life. This naturally causes lots of tension in the family, so you are not a lone dear sister.

I am not sure of the key to your parents’ heart, but honesty usually works well. Honestly talk to you mom about your feelings. Your fears especially. How you do not intend to disrespect them, yet you are confused how to deal with them, especially regarding marriage. Tell them what kind of a man you wish to marry, so they will know also what kind of guy to look for to you. Make lots of dua to Allah that He opens their heart and listen to you.

Talk to your dad also, clearify that you did not intend to hurt him, but you really felt uncomfortable with that guy, and tell him instead what kind of partner you are wishing to marry. Tell them how much you desire their blessing on the marriage, yet you wish to choose your partner.

Sister, it is really important that you feel comfortable with whom you marry. It is you who need to live with that man, inshallah even in Jenna, so it is crucial that you choose wisely and not only because you are pressured by family and society.

Ask your parents, especially your mother, what you could do that she feels you love her. Because you love her a lot, otherwise you would not write us about this issue. Talk to them honestly. Inshallah they will listen to you.

Always always turn to Allah. As Muslims, our faith is our strongest help in life. Allah is the only one who can help you, even with finding a new job. Our success is when Allah is pleased with us, so focus on pleasing Him, and inshallah all other matter will fall into its right place.
May Allah bless you,

Question 3. Zina

I used to have a porn addiction which I have now stopped and never will go back to InshAllah. But I have a boyfriend which I have committed zina with a lot of times and I regret it very much. I do not want to do it but I keep going back to it. I started trying to pray and getting back to my faith but I keep going back to committing zina with my boyfriend and are both trying it for a month or two we did not do anything but we still went back to it. We are planning on getting married but we currently cannot do it. Can I get any advice on how to stop

Answer:

Salam aleikom dear sister,

Thank you for writing.
First of all, I would like to congratulate you on cutting porn watching. It is an addiction that affects a lot of people including many Muslims. It really affects negatively the marriages. Hamdulillah, you successfully stopped it, and may Allah keep you on this right path.
Regarding your relationship with boyfriend, you seem to be aware that what you do is haram but you cannot stop it. I can completely understand you: love is a strong desire. Once you taste it, it may become a kind of addiction.

WHY DONT YOU GET MARRIED?

I assume it is your young age and your family that stop you from getting married. While it is understandable from one hand that your parents want you to finish your university before starting a family, maybe they think you are not mature, there is really no any good reason why you wouldn’t get married now.

There are so many young Muslims in their late teenage years early adulthood, who write the marriage contract but they do not move in together. They do so to avoid any kind of haram and get to know each other in a more halal way. I personally know young Muslims like this.
You might try to introduce this idea to your family, maybe start with your mom or the one you feel the closest to.

You see, in normal circumstances maybe it would be advisable that young people finish their university and settle down before getting married. They would avoid many unnecessary challenges, I agree to it.

However, it happened that you met someone already whom you feel very strong about. You even fall into haram with him. So in this case, you should really consider getting married, at least islamically. Some scholars even encourage you to do so without the approval of your parents.

On the other hand, I would really encourage you to put aside your feelings for some moments and look at him and the relationship objectively. Is he a man you can imagine being the father of your children? Someone whose bad side you are aware of and can tolerate? Is he the person who can make you feel loved and good enough? Is he the person whom you could marry without wishing to change anything in him? Is he accepted by your family?

Oftentimes people start having a romantic relationship and they see the other person through pinky lenses. They feel sometimes that they strongly don’t like something, yet they convince themselves the person will change by time. Or its ok, they can handle while in reality they lie to themselves. So you really need to ask yourself some objective questions about this man to decide whether he is really a good match to you. Oftentimes there can be two good Muslims who met, yet their personality simply doesn’t match.

I encourage you to read about preparing for marriage. About Islam also has many very useful materials to you. Or you might want to enroll in a pre marital course or read books about relationships especially communication in marriage.

It is really important that you start your marriage with the blessing of Allah, and you can only do when so you make things right. Have this in your mind, that you want Allah’s blessing, and talk to your boyfriend about getting married Islamically.

Pray to Allah to keep you on the right path. Tell Him how much you wish to marry this man, and pray istikhara prayer whether this man is suitable for u or not. Inshalla you will find everything goes smoothly.
I hope I was able to give you some relief and ideas about what to do with your situation.
Best hopes,

Question 4.

Asalamo alaykom,

I am a 25 years old woman, almost graduating from university. 2 years ago, a guy from my study started to talk to me (he is 1,5 years younger than me). He always tried to talk a lot, however, since his intentions were unclear to me, I have always kept a distance between us. However, last year November he told me he is interested in me for marriage and that he would like to get to know me better. I accepted his proposal, but as soon I asked him when he was planning on coming home to talk to my father and to meet my family, he seemed quite hesitant saying he would come after a few months and not directly. Since he is younger than me and still in his early years of university, I said that if he is not able to come or does not want to get married, that I don’t want to keep in touch. He promised to come after 3-4 months. After these few months I asked him when he would come over, and he said he doesn’t feel ready or comfortable yet to come over, only after 2-3 years when he is near the end of his studies. I disagreed and said that I want to discontinue this contact, however he kept saying he cared for me and he didn’t want to lose me, and that he would lessen the contact and come and the end of the year… I gave him one more chance and kept my distance, however when the end of the year approached, he became distant and when I confronted him with his attitude, he said is not ready to marry me and that he does feel comfortable and he left me in all of a sudden… he broke up with me by text. After a week I asked him If we could meet and get closure and we did. He said maybe he will return later on in life, but he is not sure how life will go. He said its him and not me as I did nothing wrong for him (no fights, no drama, no physical contact). Since he left two months ago, I feel extremely depressed and hurt as I feel stabbed in the back. I was so convinced he would come and mot lie to me since he was a religiously committed person. He just left me heartbroken after I tried my best to make things halal. I can’t bear the pain I am feeling right now… I see him working with a lot of other women right now and I feel afraid he might have just replaced me. Can you please give me advice on how to move on and to heal the pain? I still can’t believe someone could promise marriage and leave like this after I made it very clear he should come over to talk to my father or otherwise no contact, but he kept sending me and wanting to see me. I still have him on my social media since we are co-students and working in the same field.

Answer:

Salam Aleikom sister,

I am so sorry to hear of your hurt. It must be a hard to process that a man you were interested in eventually broke the ties. Moreover, he even lied to you.
The process of getting to know a person is full of challenges. It takes time and open eyes to get to know one person and trust him to the extent of getting married with him.
You ask how to heal after basically what we would call a break up: Time. Give it a time, patiently. And at the same time live your life. Be busy with your studies and enjoying your life. Patience.
Follow the guidance of Allah:

“O you who believe! Seek help in patience and prayer. Truly God is with the patient … And we will indeed test you with something of fear and hunger, and loss of wealth, souls, and fruits; give glad tidings to the patient — those who, when affliction befalls them, say, “Truly we are God’s, and unto Him we return.” They are those upon whom come the blessings from their Lord, and compassion, they are those who are rightly guided.” (Quran 2:153, 155-157)

Really there is nothing more than you could do. Enjoy your life. Do things every day that make you happy. Meeting or talking to friends, reading a good book, exercising, doing something together with your parents or siblings. Watch a movie.
At the same time, get prepared for marriage. Get to know who you are really looking for. What core values do you wish to live your life after marriage? What are the things you cannot compromise?
There are many issues you need to have a clarity about in yourself before you are able to choose the right partner. So, I advise you to take this chance and read more about marriage, values, what topics to talk about in the pre-marital period.
Mashalla, Aboutislam has many useful materials that you would find helpful. Some are:
Before the Search Begins

Pre-Marriage Checklist
About Islam from time to time also offers pre-marital course. Watch the website and join the next one inshallah!

In the meantime, turn to Allah. Strengthen the bond with Him as He is the source of your existence. Everything depends on Him. Turn to Him and complain about your hurt. Make dua that He helps you to find your match inshallah soon.
I hope I was able to help you,