Dear Brothers & Sisters,

Thank you for participating in the counseling session with your questions!

Due to the counselor’s limited capacity of answering questions, here are the 5 questions that our counselor has provided an answer for. We apologize for not responding all the other questions.

If you have not received an answer below at this time, please submit your question to one of our upcoming Live Sessions. Thank you for your understanding.

Question 1. Inability to connect with people is ruining my mental health

Assalamu Alaikum. When i was a kid my parents had a rather socially limited life. I was also homeschooled in the early years. Was introverted and fat, both don’t help making friends. Most kids just bulied me and I had only 3 close friends growing up. I still have those friends as an adult, and they have their own place. Throughout the college and university phase, i couldn’t make a lot of friends. I can be quite funny and have things i can talk a lot about, but i just don’t know what kind of things people like to talk about. My public aura was quiet, soft, and friendly, so i can’t say that other girls hated me, but also i realized these traits don’t have a lot of place in the world. Now as a grown woman, i still struggle with making friends or even asserting my place socially/connecting with people. I worry that I’m too naive and unattractive for other women my age to want to be my friends. My old friends are still in my life. But growing up, we change a lot, and i crave new friendships too. Sometimes i see someone i have things in common with, i like her aura and traits etc, but i get discouraged when i feel an unwillingness and disinterest from their part. My worst struggle is not being able to start and maintain an interesting conversation.  I’m a good listener, but when someone connects with me only because i listen to them  i noticed that that friendship becomes one sided pretty quick, i start feeling unheard. I’m sick of social rejection. Is it only for beautiful and clever people? I’m feeling isolated.

Answer:

Salam alaikom dear sister,

Thank you for writing to us with your concern. As I understand, you are struggling with the feelings of inability to connect with others and with formulating new, fulfilling friendships. You state that you still have some of your old friends in your life, but you crave new friendships as well. And that your worst struggle is not being able to start and maintain an interesting conversation.

Dear Sister, I can totally understand your feelings. I think that the essence of your struggle can be divided into two main points. The first is about learning to cope with the feelings of being distinct from the crowd around you by accepting yourself for who you are. And the second is regarding your thought patterns and the expectations you want to / should seek to fulfill in order to have peace of mind.

Being “the other”

Being an introvert in a world of extroverts could make you feel uncomfortable. The same is true if you believe you are more “quiet, soft, and naive” than those around you. As you said, “I realized these traits don’t have a lot of places in the world.”

This makes me remember the words of Hasan Al-Basri (may Allah have mercy on him):

“O followers of the Sunnah! Be gentle with others and may Allah have mercy on you, for you are surely in the minority of people.” Sharḥ Uṣūl Iʻtiqād Ahl al-Sunnah 15

And another quote from Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) about Islam:

“Islam initiated as something strange, and it would revert to its (old position) of being strange. so good tidings for the stranger.” (Sahih Muslim 145)

What if your attitude is different than that of the mainstream? Is being “the other” necessarily wrong? And further more, that it is the only attitude to follow regarding social life and befriending?

Probably, in some cultures, certain traits and attitudes are more praised, like being extrovert, courageous, outspoken, or open. This is especially true if you are living in the West. You are expected somehow to have a lot of friends, and there is a standard notion that if you are young and a student, you have to be very social, popular, and “have fun” as much as you can.

But, my sister, quantity does not equal quality. And sometimes less is more. You can still feel lonely despite having many contacts and people around you. You may still lack meaningful conversations and real connections.

And I can reassure you that you are not alone. According to this report by the American Perspectives Survey, 37% of Americans have only between 1 and 3 close friends. And 12% of Americans in 2021 reported having “none”.

So, you may perceive that the standard is having a lot of friends, but actually this is not the case in general. How can you change your perspective and make peace with yourself?

Embrace your qualities

I think it is good to start with accepting yourself for who you are. Acknowledge and embrace your traits and qualities. Try to see the good in them.

You can list these qualities and point out the benefits of each quality.

Like, for example, being “introvert”: you may reserve your thoughts for yourself and for those who really care. You can have fewer but more meaningful relationships with those who are on the same track.

“Soft” (as you stated above): you are less provocative in your social interactions; therefore, you can expect more acceptance and fewer conflicts. Continue the list and you will see that your traits are lovable and valuable.

Change the perspective

I also understand that possible past memories and experiences from your infancy, when you were bullied, somehow still discourage you, causing fears of rejection.

These fears rooted in the past might get activated in a similar situation (during social interactions), but actually they belong to a past event! So, what you can do is change your perspective on that event.

You said “most kids” but not “all kids”. This means that there were kids who were OK with you, and you even made close friendships that still last, alhamdulillah! That is a good thing.

And most of all, just because something happened in the past does not mean that it has to be repeated again in the same fashion. Just because you were rejected at some point in a particular situation does not mean that you as a person are rejectable in general. Or that you are not interesting or worthy enough to be a friend.

When you are in a similar situation again, try to focus on the present moment both intellectually and emotionally. Do not let the rise of negative emotions overwhelm you in the present.

Be yourself

You said, “I just don’t know what kinds of things people like to talk about.” I recommend shifting your attention towards yourself during the conversation. What would YOU like to talk about? Instead of focusing on meeting the expectations of others, just be yourself and talk about what you genuinely find interesting.

If you start a conversation, you can speak about something you like or are curious about, for example, a book, a lecture, whatever you were inspired by recently, some recent event in the news, your plans for the summer, etc. The key to authenticity is your sincere, genuine attitude in an interaction.

You can also start by asking questions and letting the other person talk. This is an opportunity to find common ground. You can share something that you can also relate to in your reply, like, “I have heard about it as well, and it made me think/ feel…” or “I have seen that movie, and this and that is my opinion about it”; etc., creating connections between both of you. Here are some very good tips about asking questions.

If you do not feel comfortable sharing your feelings and thoughts with everybody, there is no need to disclose yourself.

Not Seeking Validation

Actually, it is a very beneficial skill to be a good listener (as you said), as you are able to fully focus on the other person. Also, being able to catch and interpret the non-verbal signals of others. But this does not mean seeking validation during communication, or letting yourself be discouraged when you notice a possible disinterest. You can ask the other to find out if really is the case.

If someone is not interested in the topic you raised, it does not mean that you are not “unattractive to other women of your age”. It can mean other things as well.

Cognitive distortions

I encourage you, sister, to read about cognitive distortions. These are reoccurring thought patterns that are irrational or exaggerated, and therefore do not reflect reality. And these patterns can lead to negative feelings, anxiety or depressive mood. Here is a short video about the most common cognitive distortions.

Try to analyze your thoughts regarding befriending. Collect them and challenge them in the light of the video above: try to remember events where these thoughts were not true. Try to practice this for some weeks and, in sha Allah, you will notice improvement.

To conclude, accept yourself and your qualities. Learn to trust and love yourself. Accept that you do not have to fulfill the expectations of others than Allah (SWT), and you do not need others’ validation to feel like a worthy and valuable human being.

In communication, pay attention to yourself and to the things that genuinely interest you. Learn about cognitive distortions and try to modify them with related exercises.

I am sure that there are other women who would love to be your friend and who find your ideas interesting and inspiring. If you do not find anyone around, you can try online groups and circles based on your interests. 

I wish you success and ease!

Question 2. Love Someone Related to Fate

I want to Marry a pious person. He is a Religious Person. I am so in much stress about that person. And I want to marry must to that person. I Pray to God that O Allah Arrange my marriage to that person as Soon as Possible. I have received many proposals at my home but I rejected. I can’t say Yes to those Proposals. Just Want to marry that religious person. Is this related to Fate that I can’t say Yes to others Proposals but my heart is feeling pain just for that religious Scholar to get marry to him. Is this Fate that doesn’t allow me to say Yes to others Proposals and my prayer for that person my heart feelings and my attention to that religious Scholar to want to marry to him is this all related to fate? Is it Possible that this is written in my fate?

Answer:

Salam alaikom sister,

Thank you for writing to us. You write that you are very definite in your willingness to marry a specific person who is very pious and religious (you also mentioned that he is a scholar). Due to your strong conviction, you have already rejected some proposals at your home. Your question is whether these strong feelings are the sign of fate meaning that the marriage will happen in one day.

My sister, I do not understand exactly: do you personally know each other? Or is this scholar a well-known community member? Have you had any personal contact with him? Has he ever approached you (and your family) with a marriage proposal?

From your letter, I cannot comprehend the situation entirely, so in my answer, I am trying to touch upon the possibilities.

If he has already approached you

If he has ever approached you with a marriage proposal, what were the obstacles that you were not able to accept it? Was it something beyond your control, like your family rejected the idea, or there were not enough fulfilling conditions for the marriage? If this is the case, try to revise these obstacles: are they still existing? And let your family know that you still have a genuine interest, and ask them for their support and help.

If you know each other, and you feel strongly attracted

If yes, you know each other, then what are exactly the reasons you would like to marry him? 

Is it physical attraction, maybe attraction towards his pious character? Is it something beyond that? Piety and good character are definitely important aspects of a successful marriage. But besides this, why do you think that you would be a good match as husband and wife?

Please write down your thoughts. Also, write down your criteria; what are the most important characteristics to you in a person? What are your most important needs in a relationship? What personality traits can you tolerate well and which cannot? 

I am asking these questions because I think when there is a strong emotional attraction towards a person, even if you know each other, you might look over some aspects of possible incompatibility. And if these aspects are not addressed prior to the marriage, they can cause disturbance in the long run. 

Involve you family

That is why my first advice is to try to answer these questions. Then I would involve your closest family members, whom you trust and love, and ask for their opinion and help. If they know both of you, they can share their insight about your potential union. 

They can also help you with approaching this person. I mean, your father, your brother, or someone who could find out if there is a possible interest from his side as well.

That would be good because it could clarify whether there is a real possibility for your marriage or not. If yes, then alhamdulillah, you can go ahead and fulfill your dreams and marry this person. And if for some reason, there is not, it would be time to accept it, move on and give space for new opportunities that are meant for you instead. 

Idealization?

If you do not know each other in “real life” because there is an existing distance between you, then this is a different story.

So, if you feel attracted to someone who is far away from you and there is a strong element of “fantasy” without enough real information about the other person, I would advise you to reflect upon the possibility of idealization.

Idealization, including infatuation, is a type of self-deception that is based on the projection of certain beliefs ascribed to a person you may even do not know. These beliefs are perceived as such, and may not reflect reality, as you lack real experience and knowledge about the individual. 

What does this mean? That you ascribe all your hopes, dreams, and expectations to a person, who will then be the ideal potential spouse in your eyes. And basically, you end up falling in love with your own ideas and hopes.

The danger is that in the light of this “perfect match”, you might reject real proposals, as no one will be able to reach this idealized level. My dear sister, can you relate your rejections to this somehow?

This attraction and strong sentiments can be obsessive and go hand in hand with recurrent thoughts and fantasies about this relationship. You can “create” a non-existing bond, and live according to it.

The causes of idealization

What causes idealization?

It is a kind of self-defense when you protect yourself from the conflicts and harms of a real relationship. A “real” relationship is not perfect, you also have to deal with hurtful emotions and conflicts, arguments.

People who love you might will hurt you at some point as well, and this is a normal aspect of a relationship. If you find these emotions too overwhelming, you may prefer to cover them with an alternative reality by wishing for a union that does not exist or could never become real.

Sister, I do not know which option reflects more of your concern, as you did not share its context. What I can say is that all situations have something in common: to find out what your real possibilities are for this marriage and learn to move on if this is not meant for you. 

Regarding your question about fate, I cannot give an answer, as it belongs only to Allah, the All-Knowing. But that you rejected other proposals and you are “waiting for” this opportunity can be due to psychological reasons as well. It also can be a test from Allah about facing reality and accepting that people and relationships are not either good or bad.

How to deal with it?

Sister, try to be honest with yourself and reflect on your past and the way you experienced negative events and emotions when you were a child. What emotions were so overwhelming that you preferred not to deal with them?

If there are some unresolved traumatic experiences in your past, I recommend you seek counseling where you can start healing these wounds.

Also, try to ponder upon your expectations about the “ideal” relationship and “ideal” spouse you would like to have. How would it be? Do you have any fears regarding the possible and inevitable negative side of being in a close relationship with someone?

Accept yourself and know that you are not perfect. Neither will be others. People cannot have only positive OR negative traits. They usually have both positive AND negative ones.

The same applies to relationships. Even the happiest and most successful relationships have their ups and downs. Conflict, disagreement, and disappointment happen. What makes it successful is that both parties are ready to cope with these problems and work on their solutions.

Counseling

Sister, I recommend counseling, where you can deal with your expectations for a healthy relationship. Please, reach out and discover any hidden issues that are standing as an obstacle to entering into a fulfilling, happy relationship that is meant for you.

You can also try Islamic pre-marital course and get prepared for marriage. Alhamdulillah, there are more and more offers for Muslims. Check out this 6-week online course with Sheik Jamil Amir. Or this premarital couching by Sr. Naielah Ackbarali.

May Allah bless you with success.

Question 3. Non-Muslim mother in law

Aslaamualaikum hope you are in good health In’Sha’Allah. My question is in regards to my non Muslim mother in law. My husband is a revert and after years of struggle my father finally gave his consent for our marriage. I feel I can not talk to my family about any issues as I will get a “told you so” reply furthermore I don’t want them to worry. As for friends I don’t have many who I can confide in as word always gets about. My husband has 2 children from a previous relationship before he was Muslim so his children are non-Muslim and so is the rest of his family. As for MIL she recently lost her husband and is lonely so we decided to invite her over regularly but she always seems to drop comments which are either rude eg, “why are you wearing that, that’s not how your meant to wear it,” “you’ve put on weight” (she is obese herself) to “bloody foreigners” being her favourite. I am of south East Asian background. My husband has put a stop to it straight away but she is sweet in front of him now. If I message her she always ignores it and then tells my husband I don’t bother with her or I never reply back. This has left me feeling disheartened but all in all I just have a very bad gut feeling about her. One that I can’t seem to shake of. My husband has said we don’t celebrate birthdays, Xmas or Father’s Day etc but since her husband passed away, she’s trying to impose them on him even more. I did put this down to loneliness and hubby needing to put his foot down and saying no. I stopped inviting her around as much but she’s started to invite her self-round which isn’t convenient as she doesn’t just come for a little while. She wants to spend the whole day here but I have things to do. If I move or so much as pop to the shops or run an errand, she will complain how it’s rude “I’m a guest at yours you should sit here” I replied that your here for your son and he’s sitting with you and I’ll be back in a little while. She always talks badly of her other sons and causes conflict between the brothers. They often know stuff about my husband because she’s been talking. She often laughs at how she will invite herself to the eldest sons for a week etc. They seem to want no contact with her which makes me wonder why. Hubby is the youngest and won’t hear a word against her even if she is very obviously in the wrong. She boasts about hitting people in the past, starting arguments and her late husband beating people up. She also talks a lot Sub’Han’Allah. By a lot I mean there is not more than 1 minute of silence when in her presence and she is extremely loud. She also wants to eat non halal at ours and hubby previously said no but lately said it’s fine as long as we’re not eating it. I am not comfortable with this at all and I mentioned this to him that I will not allow anything haraam in our home. I also worry about his children being non-Muslim and feel afraid to have children with him as I feel they will impact our life. How do I avoid MIL respectfully and what are my rights towards her and his children (all non-Muslim & mainly racist too).

Answer:

Salam alaikom dear sister,

Thank you for writing in to our live session. As I understand your situation, you are a Muslim of South Asian origin and live in the West with your husband, who is a revert, alhamdulillah. His family is non-Muslim. Your concern is about her mother’s behavior in general, but especially with you. Since her husband passed away, she spends more time with you, but her treatment makes you feel “disheartened” and, in general you “have a very bad gut feeling about her.” You also worry about his children being non-Muslim, and you are afraid to have children with him as you feel they will impact your life.

Sister, as a convert myself, I can understand your struggle and that you are not feeling well in this situation. Let me break it down for you, starting with your mother-in-law.

Staying firm and kind

You said that she just recently lost her husband. She is probably in the phase of adapting to this new situation and finding her place in the family. Of course, this does not mean that it is OK to treat any of you with disrespect.

I would advise you to find out what could be the reason behind her behavior. Does she fear “losing” her son after losing her husband? Is this behavior some kind of response to her fears that she will be left alone?

Your description of her sounds like she is not very well, and her well-being is affected somehow. But the key is, my sister, that it is her struggle that seemingly affects all of you around her. So, it would be very important to keep your stability and firm kindness and not take it to heart. Try to keep your boundaries with her, and think about her comments and behavior in that they more reflect her state of mind than yours.

Alhamdulillah, it seems that you are emotionally quite stable and trying to approach this situation with patience and comprehension. Just keep up with this behavior, and do not let her words put you down.

I advise you to practice kindness and respect and avoid reacting to her behavior. Think about how you are accountable for your behavior in front of Allah, but not for her words and actions.

This attitude is also important because her perception of you may change over time. It seems to me that there are some underlying issues behind these provocative comments and behavior.

Why she behaves this way?

This can happen for many reasons. She might feel alone and unsafe in this new situation. Or it can be due to more deeply rooted psychological issues around power and control. But it can also happen due to some unspoken general beliefs not about you personally but about your background and origin. She might have some issues with accepting the fact that her son chose you, as she has to deal with some kind of “cognitive dissonance” regarding her view of “bloody foreigners.” Maybe this situation tests her level of acceptance, tolerance and control.

Prejudices

She might have to face her prejudices and stereotypical views about South Asian Muslims, as your nice and kind behavior clearly does not fit this picture. Her provocative behavior can be some kind of attempt to catch you in a negative light and justify her possibly negative beliefs about foreigners or Muslims in particular.

So, I would advise you to use kind, respectful but firm behavior. If she treats you like this but you do not accept the role she “assigned” to you, with time, she will not be able to continue on this path. In sha Allah, she will realize that there are certain boundaries and she has to treat you for who you are and not what she believes you are. 

Let her know it hurts you

But I am not saying that you have to passively accept any form of disrespect and humiliation. If she says or does something that makes you feel bad, just let her know that this is the case. If that particular moment is too overwhelming and you are afraid of losing your temper, simply wait until you feel confident in your ability to manage your emotions. Let her know that these words make you feel hurt and ask her whether there is anything she is holding a grudge against you.

It would be important for her to know that her behavior and words could alienate the people she loves more around her.

Challenge her views by showing the beauty of Islam and your culture

You can also challenge her beliefs by initiating a conversation about Islam and Islamic views, and also about South Asian culture. I mean, if there is a concrete situation, to explain to her why you do not eat certain foods, why you stay away from celebrations, how important family and kindness are, and so forth. She probably has many misconceptions and a lack of information about what Islam really is.

This is quite understandable, because, unfortunately, people in the West who do not have close contact with Muslims often rely only on the negative portrayal of Muslims in the news and social media.

One way to reduce prejudices is through direct contact. According to Pew Research Center, “people who say they personally know a Muslim are generally more likely than others to have positive opinions of Muslims and their religion.”

So, you can change this picture by not acting it out, but behaving exactly the opposite way, following the example of the Prophet (peace be upon him). You can model the Islamic attitude of generosity, care, and truthfulness by giving her gifts, doing small favors, etc.

You can also try introducing her to your culture and other Muslims gradually, without forcing it too much. For example, take her to a grocery run by Muslims or a gathering where she can experience the positive vibe and kindness of other Muslims as well. 

Your husband and children

I also advise you to focus on your husband and the relationship with him, and do not let his family’s behavior negatively influence your marriage. As a revert, your husband may find it difficult to deal with this complex situation: you, his mother, while still learning about Islam and balancing between the Islamic lifestyle and his background and culture.

Your understanding and supportive behavior will help him to handle this situation better, and will surely appreciate your positive attitude.

At the same time, I would say to let go of your fears about having children because of his family’s mindset. Your children will be Muslims, even if you have non-Muslim family members. They, and also your kids, will learn to deal with it. Just do not worry about it. You do not need to give up your beliefs and lose your religious identity. As parents, you will have to set rules, always keeping in mind the mutual respect and tolerance of “connivance”.

Check out this series by Sr. Nichola Taylor about Rasing Muslim Kids in the West.

My sister, take it as an opportunity. Your kids will be raised knowing and respecting the differences. They will also have non-Muslim peers and people all around them if you are living in the West. Just make sure that you balance these environmental influences with enough Islamic education, knowledge, and love for the religion. And one of the best ways is to lead by example.

I wish you the best, sister.

Question 4. Confusion and doubts in decision making

i have one question related to doubt and confusion. whenever i decide to do anything especially career related work then this thought disturb me a lot. and the thought is am i doing correct or not islamically? am I be out of islam if i will progress and grow in life as there is fitna all around. will allah be happy with me or not if i do this work? i am an average muslim and right now dont want to do indepth study in islam. i want to make my career in teaching secular education but then also such thoughts distract me so much and affect my productivity and meaningful life, because of this thought i left working and sit idly which made my mind stuck and blocked. and whenever i decide to do any productive work outside home then i feel nervous,panic,confused and depressed. i am not able to make decision and move on in life. i have done isthikhara also but then also it doesnt work out. what should i do?how can i come out such thought which distube me again and again.is this a mental problem? please guide me and reply me please.

Answer:

Salam alaikom dear sister,

Thank you for writing to us. You stated that your struggle is related to doubts because you are uncertain whether your decisions are Islamically acceptable or not. You say that you are “an average Muslim” and “do not want to study Islam in depth.” You also said that these doubts cause you to be “nervous, panicked, confused, and depressed” and that “you are not able to make a decision and move on.”

I am sorry for the distress you have been experiencing due to this issue. It seems that the doubts you are having are mainly related to Islam, and especially to the punishment for your possible wrongdoing or mistakes.

Spiritual or Mental health issue

First of all, it would be important to figure out whether this question is spiritual or related to your mental health. 

From an Islamic perspective, doubt is one of the “weapons of Satan.” He promised that he would try to mislead mankind from the straight path:

“Satan said, “By Your Glory! I will certainly mislead them all.” (Quran 38:82)

Waswasa is an Islamic term related to whispers:

“And we have already created man and know what his soul, whispers to him and We are closer to him than [his] jugular vein.” (Quran 50:16). 

These whispers might cause you to doubt the religious correctness of your behavior and actions, even of your thoughts and feelings. If you are dealing with these doubts but, in a psychological sense, your well-being is not affected, you can get rid of them by the remembrance of Allah: 

“Indeed, when Satan whispers to those mindful ˹of Allah˺, they remember ˹their Lord˺ then they start to see ˹things˺ clearly.” (Quran 7:201)

Remember Allah and start to see things clearly

This is a powerful verse, as it basically says that by the remembrance of Allah, you will be able to see your thoughts with clarity. 

So firstly, I would advise you to increase your dhikr, your prayers, and your connection with Allah. You said that you are an average Muslim, and “right now, you do not want to go in depth” into studying Islam. Well, you do not need to, but I believe that if you increase your knowledge of the deen, the unclear areas will automatically decrease, preventing you from further doubts. 

If you have evidence and an answer to your doubts, you can easily challenge them. From an Islamic perspective, for example, the certainty of an action is not invalidated by doubts.

You have to be certain that your action, in your case, your decision is Islamically incorrect. Do you have any evidence regarding this? If next time you face some kind of doubt, ask yourself: is it certainly true (that my decision is Islamically incorrect) or is it just a doubt? Do I have any evidence that it is incorrect? If yes, then go for other alternatives. If not, you have to accept that at this point it is OK especially if your intentions are clear and for the sake of Allah.

Also, I would reflect upon your focus on the fear vs. love of Allah. If there is imbalance, and you tend to fear more Allah than hope His love, you might end up focusing too much on your mistakes and errors and the possible consequences. Try to concentrate on your view of Allah, as The Most Loving, The Most Merciful and Most Forgiving. He loves you and with His infinite mercy He will surely forgive your shortcomings as long of your repentance is sincere.

So, you do not have fear before deciding regarding your studies for example, or of your career. If your intentions are clear, and you do your things for the sake of Allah, there is no “wrong” decision.

However, you also said that “such thoughts distract you so much and affect your productivity and meaningful life.” And this means that, most likely, your concern also has to do with your mental health. 

Religious scrupulosity

If you are engaging in more dhikr and learning to clear your doubts, but you do not experience improvement, you might have to see a counselor. She would determine whether there is some form of OCD behind your doubts and fears.

Religious scrupulosity is a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder where the main sources of distress, anxiety, and guilt are moral and religious issues. Check out this article by Najwa Awad to know more about the topic.

In this case, you would need counseling—possibly with a Muslim counselor—who could assist you to overcome these obsessive doubts. There would be a need to discover the thought patterns of these doubts and the beliefs behind them.

Core beliefs

These thoughts could be traced back to different beliefs you formed at some point in life due to some negative experiences. These core beliefs could be around being lovable, capable and worthy enough, for example. If your core beliefs cause you feeling unwell, you might have to work on with a specialist to change these beliefs and substitute them with more adaptive and positive ones.

Check out this great article, with 12 downloadable worksheets to challenge your beliefs.

Sister, try accepting yourself and your possible mistakes and imperfections. We all make mistakes, and no one is perfect, only Allah. Allah does not expect imperfection from us, rather pure intention and sincere repentance when it is necessary.

If you reflect upon the spiritual aspects of your question and implement some changes, and do not feel relief, please check out a counselor, possibly a Muslim one, who could understand and address the religious part of your concern as well.

I wish you ease, may Allah bless you.

Question 5. School mass-shooting: I cannot cope with it

Salam alaikom,

I am a Mexican American student from the US.

I have always loved going to school. I am a good student, and most of the friends I have around me are there. I also attend Qu’ran classes on Saturday mornings. But everything has changed since that mass shooting in that school last month, you know. All the news was full of these terrible images of these poor kids. They were almost my age. Latinos like me! And they were just murdered. And it is happening again and again, as recently there was another murder in a supermarket as well. Was this really Allah’s plan? Why does he want this suffering for these children? It makes me cry and I can’t stand to think about it. They were just like me and my friends; they woke up, went to school, and that was the end of it.
I just can’t get these thoughts out of my head.

It makes me so anxious to think that it could have happened in our school. And what if next time someone enters my class with a gun? Can I die at any given moment like this, ending up shot dead in my class?

I just get so anxious about this that I do not want to go to school anymore. I can’t even sleep well, as I wake up in the middle of the night and worry that in the morning I have to wake up and go.

I trust in Allah, but what if this is my destiny?

I just want to be more relaxed but cannot forget it. I am trying hard to think about other things and follow up with my studies but I just can’t. I have always been an anxious type, but I feel I cannot control my fears anymore. What should I do? Please, I want to enjoy going to school again.

Answer:

Salam alaikom dear sister,
Thank you for writing to us. I understand your sadness and your pain. It is a feeling we all share because of this tragic event.

You stated that you no longer want to go to school following the most recent school shooting. You feel too anxious and overwhelmed with your fears, thinking about what it would have been like if it had happened to you. You can’t sleep and can’t get over what happened.

Indeed, this tragic event makes us think about our own vulnerabilities in life and about the real power of Allah. We feel for these young victims, for the teachers and for their families. Also, we might end up reflecting upon the meaning of life or questioning the will of Allah, the Almighty.

A traumatic experience

Firsthand experience of a sudden tragic event can indeed be very traumatic and requires further support for those who were directly involved. But you can also suffer from the negative consequences and symptoms of trauma if you were not directly involved, but for multiple reasons, you felt close to the victims.

You are also a student and “almost the same age” as those kids. You mentioned that you are a Mexican American, a Latino, just like the majority of the victims who lost their lives. It is quite understandable that you are feeling “close” to those kids, and the perceived similarity makes you feel sadder and more empathetic for them. The images about the violence on TV and the Internet, seeing the victims and the pain of their loved ones, just intensify these emotions.

According to this article, PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) can also develop among those who experience the trauma and suffering of others. And a traumatic event that you perceive somehow “close to you” may take away your sense of basic security and safety. 

I understand, my sister, that it is very distressing if you have lost your perception about the world as a “safe place to live.” If you experience this threat constantly, you will be under ongoing stress that can negatively affect your mental health.

Sister, I would like to reassure that you are not alone. Unfortunately, many young people experience similar feelings to a certain extent. According to a report by the American Psychological Association in 2018, 72% of young Americans between 15 and 21 considered school mass shootings a significant stress source in their lives.

This may be partly due to the high number of incidents in the United States; more than 200 mass shootings occurred across the country this year until now, according to the chart of Gun Violence Archive. This is a huge number. Although not every event ends up with mortal injuries, the high frequency impacts the sense of safety of young people, like you.

It is also a common reaction that you choose to avoid school, even if your friends are there. As Dr. Joel Fein physician says, “The fear overcomes the need to connect with other people, and that’s the real tragedy of what violence does to communities.” 

How to overcome these fears?

I advise you to share your struggle with others who feel the same by joining a support group or youth circle dealing with gun violence-related trauma. Check out this list, for example.

You will be able to open up about your fears and help others by listening to theirs. This will help to reduce your anxiety, in sha Allah.

You can come together with others and organize a memorial event or a fundraiser for the victims. You can do it at your school with your friends. 

Try not to expose yourself to too much disturbing news and images about the victims and their injuries, whether on TV, on social media, or on the Internet. Reduce the time you spend consuming news about this or similar events. Choose an informative one that sticks briefly to the facts without too many overwhelming details. If you have sleep issues, avoid watching the news right before bedtime.

Try to make yourself busy with other activities. Continue your hobbies and your studies and focus on the things you love doing. 

Trust in Allah

Being a Muslim and a believer in Allah and His Will is a great blessing when it comes to coping with uncertainty and unexpected events. You know that everything was written by Him. Every event you experience-even the saddest, most tragical ones-has a purpose in your life. And this purpose is to increase your taqwa and your trust in Allah. Nothing will happen without His will. 

Remember this beautiful hadith: 

“O young man, I shall teach you some words [of advice]: Be mindful of Allah and Allah will protect you. Be mindful of Allah and you will find Him in front of you. If you ask, then ask Allah [alone]; and if you seek help, then seek help from Allah [alone]. And know that if the nation were to gather together to benefit you with anything, they would not benefit you except with what Allah had already prescribed for you. And if they were to gather together to harm you with anything, they would not harm you except with what Allah had already prescribed against you. The pens have been lifted and the pages have dried.” Hadith 19, 40 Hadith an-Nawawi

My sister, put your ultimate trust in Allah, and ask only him for protection and help.

I know that it is difficult to see the wisdom behind the deaths of innocent young children. And these kinds of events might make you question the “goodness” of Allah. But my sister, there is definitely wisdom behind this suffering.

It is a complex issue, but for example, try to think of these tragedies as reminders to humans that something needs to be changed. It can be legislation, attitude, mindset, whatever. These events could serve as wake-up calls that direct people towards the straight path.

Find a counselor

Sister, with time, these symptoms and fears should decrease gradually. If this does not happen, get an appointment with a counselor who can support you through one-on-one therapy.

I wish you ease, my sister!