I grew up in a cold and violent household. At the age of 21, in late 2016, I met this guy who was really good-looking and really nice to me. I was so lonely that I fell in love with him. I later found out that he was homeless living in a park, but that did not stop me from loving him and since the suffering was too much at home I even decided to move out from my toxic house.
I went to the park because I preferred living with him in the park rather than suffering all that abuse at my mother's house (she would curse me, beat me on a daily basis). I immediately talked to him about the fact that he had to find a job, and I would have done the same.
He agreed, but he never actually made any effort to even make a resume. In the park, there was no toilet, no shower, and I was really dirty every day, but I would go to school regardless because it was my last year before my diploma. I went to the police station to seek help and they sent me to a women's shelter where I stayed for a few months...I had basics like a shelter and a shower, food and so forth, he was still jobless and homeless and could never support me.
After my diploma, I went from job to job, and I would support both of us. My income was still not high, but I managed it for both of us. We lived from hotel to hotel because nobody would give us a house to rent. He converted me to Islam and I was happy about it, but I later noticed he did not practice anything because he smoked marijuana a lot and sell drugs.
After a little while living together, he started becoming violent and controlling, and abusive. He started manifesting his anger management issues. We would fight and fight until the neighbors would call the cops. After a big fight, he would apologize and say he loved me and I forgive. The violence between us has only gotten worst with time.
After all these years, he is still jobless and still doesn't make any effort to help, my financial situation has stabilized and he now asks me for money every time for everything. At times, he would steal money from my account. He is a narcissist like a hardcore narcissist, and I am an empath so this relationship is very toxic.
He told me that he's the one who saved me because during all this time he would speak with a Muslim religious guide who would pray for us. Now, he never changes even with all the prayers, so I can't take this anymore...When I tell him we should not remain together because of the toxic relationship, he guilt-trips me saying that I am a traitor because now that I have a job I want to live with him.
I want a healthy marriage because I can't continue like this, but I feel that if leave him, Allah will be angry at me. I have tried everything, but the relationship is sick and I can't take more. I don't know how to cope with this Islamically. Please help me with some advice. Thank you in advance.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
You are a hero in my eyes sister. You have been through so much trauma since your childhood, yet you obtained your diploma, you are working and renting your own place. You must be proud of yourself!
Sister, you are coming from an insecure family household and your current husband is not giving you security in any way. There is no other option: you must accept that you cannot change people. You cannot save everyone on the cost of your well-being!
Where do you see yourself in 2-3 years? What do you want in life? You need a spouse that supports this vision.
You do not need to do this alone. Human beings need the support of the community. You need family members, friends, colleagues who believe in you and encourage you to find your peace and happiness. Find them around you.
Seek help from counseling for your traumas.
Pray to Allah. Keep close to Him.
Salam Alaikum sister,
I am so sorry for all the traumas that you have gone through. Reading your message was really hard, I really feel for you sister. Growing up in a toxic household with a narcissistic parent, then falling in love with a person who does not want to provide even for himself let alone you, and who is a narcissist as well, living on the street and women’s shelter while finishing your diploma and finding a job…
Sister, in my eyes, you are a hero, mashallah. A lot of people would have fallen back in your situation, as we need the positive emotional support of our environment in order to live our life happily and full of inspiration, but you got it neither at home nor from your husband now, yet you still obtained your diploma and found a job. Mashallah!
After Narcissist Parents Comes Narcissist Husband
This is a common pattern: you chose a partner that reminds you of your parents – even if they were toxic ones. You got familiar with their treatment, and even though you did not like it, your brain “automatically makes you attracted” to people who are the same. Only once you get aware of this, get aware of the patterns and red flags can you change this circle and chose someone more suitable, more healthy.
You stated that you preferred sleeping in a park rather than living at home – yet, you found yourself exactly in the same situation in the park with this man like being at home before. Nothing has changed, but actually got worsen – you did not have the comfort of your room either. So he did not really give you anything or saved you from anything. On the contrary.
Steps to Recover Yourself
Sister, mashallah, I cannot emphasize how much I adore you for your strength in finishing your degree, finding a job, and supporting not only yourself but another person who is clearly not valuing you at all.
Sister, you are coming from an insecure family household and your current husband is not giving you security in any way (neither emotional, nor financial, or mental, nor else), and I am perfectly aware of how hard it is to do what I am going to say, but there is no other option: you must accept that you cannot change people no matter how hard you try to convince them that what they are doing is toxic for them and their environment (i.e. you).
You stated that this man was a narcissist, he threatens and blackmails you, he lived in a park (so most likely he lied to you first even), for years, he has been living on you and does not do a single effort, because of him you cannot rent a flat,… Hamdulillah the only good he participated in was introducing you to Islam, mashallah.
Allah guided you through him – and maybe this was his only role in your life. People are coming and going in our lives, but you must move on. I know that you are eagerly looking for (emotional) security, and you think you are a bad person for leaving him alone, alone in the park most likely if you decide to break up as he is not willing to work – but you cannot force people to change.
You cannot save everyone who, after receiving the support which you clearly gave him, he is not willing to stand on his feet. It is a really hard lesson for people, women, who are very emotional and empathetic even when they grow up in a healthy environment – let alone for those who are suffering from insecure attachment.
Sister, think of yourself. Think about what you want. Where do you see yourself in 2-3 years? What do you want in life?
Accept the reality that he will not change (he might, Allah knows best of course, but from your experience, he is like this person): can you accept him the way he is right now?
Does he give you enough that you feel you can be happy with him, maybe even raise children? Do you want your children to see this example he is representing and grow up – with a narcissist man, just like you grew up with – with a narcissist parent?
You need to be strong again sister. You need to make a decision NOW, and make effort to be yourself, who you truly are. This is the way (and lots of continuous dua to Allah) to attract the person who loves you and protects you, and finally, finally secures you in all ways.
In Islam, this is a man’s job. To provide security and not let you live on the street and in hostels. To secure you so that you can shine so that you can also take care of him and relax him.
Until you have a choice until there is no kid until you can work, you are not old, until it is still comfortable, you need to make the step. I have been in such a situation before, and I can tell that it is helpful, but relief will come after that once you decided to make this step, believe me, and believe in Allah.
You know sister, Allah loves you so much that He has guided you and opened your heart to Islam. He is always there and it is a test now – be smart, be strong.
You Do NOT Have to Do This Alone
And you should not. Alone everything is hard, we all need support. Hamdulillah you have work, so you have colleagues. You might have friends from college. I am not sure how much you communicate with your family or relatives, but there might be some relatives, if not your parents, whom you can contact.
You are a Muslim mashallah, go to the mosque and find people who can support you in your decision. Who you can talk to, seek advice, seek companionship, or turn to in case you fear.
I would also advise you to seek the help of a counselor who can help you deal with your toxic childhood experience as well as your toxic relationship. You need to get well emotionally inshallah. Look around, I am sure you will find a suitable therapist, even online, even for free, or for an amount you can still pay.
Most importantly, pray to Allah. Make dua to help you find the strength that you need to make a decision and the step, help you find a flat you can feel comfortable, the people who support you, and the man who secure you.
Please let us know how you are doing!
May Allah bless you!
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