Question 1 – Regarding love

Assalamu alaikum,I desperately need some advice. Iam a girl who doesn’t even look at boys. Recently I started to have love feelings for a boy. Iam sure that I had true feelings for him and not had any bad intention.moreover I had an intention of getting married to him. I started texting him but later found out he is not in the condition of getting married as he has so many responsibilities.as well I understood he isn’t the right choice for me .I tried many ways but still couldn’t forget him .I have feelings for him. I try to avoid but I couldn’t. I am afraid to marry him at same time afraid of marrying another person as I feel like I’m cheating. I really regret texting because it’s haram but I assure that I didn’t speak anything bad. I really want forgiveness from Allah but I feel like I wont be forgiven or go back to him and I won’t be a better Muslim.iam really confused. I want to move on.i know he isn’t the right person but I have heavy feelings for him. I don’t want to cheat anyone. He doesn’t even know that I love him. He knows me only as a friend and we chat through social media..I really want to go back to my Lord. I want to make things right but it seems like I won’t and can’t go back to my lord.i feel like iam worst and I wanted be a very good Muslim.i can’t be hard on myself for having feelings as it will me into depression. I am afraid of lot of things. Now my main concern is I want to go back to my lord but afraid whether he will accept me for who iam and will he accept me? As well please give some advice for me regarding my feelings.i don’t want to have such feelings towards anyone except my spouse.i don’t wanna chat but deeply I miss and love him.

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

You have developed feelings for a boy who you have chatted to through text and social media. You have done your best to avoid taking it to a more sinful level but the relationship has reached a level whereby you have such strong feelings for him that you are having a hard time moving on now that you have realized that he is not right for you. However, the feelings are strong enough to make you feel like you are being unfaithful.

Whilst what you have done is overstepping the boundaries of what is acceptable in Islam, the fact that you feeling remorse for your actions an fear that Allah wont accept this and may even be angry with you is a good sign. Firstly, it shows that you realise that whilst it was seemingly harmless chat at the time, it has had in impact on your consequent feelings and wellbeing moving forward. This will hopefully be enough to deter you from engaging in such things that whilst being seemingly harmless on the surface can have damaging long-term effects.

Secondly, these negative feelings can be used as a strong driver to push you closer to Allah in seeking His forgiveness. Allah loves to forgive and is the only one who can guide you on the straight path and away from such sins. So, as you see, you may be feeling pretty terrible right now, but you can use these feelings to push you in the right direction; a direction that will be most pleasing to Allah.

As well as sing this experience to guide you towards what is better, other things you can do to make this process easier is to cut ties with this boy. To remain in contact with him will only make things more difficult, not only for you, but for him too. This is in both your and his interests for the sake of Allah. I understand that this will be very difficult to begin with and maybe you will be tempted at times to go back, but it is important for the sake of Allah that you remain firm.

You might support yourself in this by getting closer to Allah, remember Him more often, be in the presence of those who also encourage you to do the same, turn to Allah in repentance during the last third of the night asking for His forgiveness and guidance. Do this with confidence in His Mercy, that He loves to forgive and will forgive you for this. This will instill the love and fear of Allah that will make it easier for you to restrain from that which is not pleasing to Him.

This will also help you to realise that you can be a good Muslimah. You may find this difficult at first, but keep on with it patiently and you will reap the benefits in no time, in sha Allah.

Aside from busying yourself with worship, keep yourself busy in other meaningful activities to support you from slipping into depression. Keep socially active with good sisters, engage in things that you enjoy and create a sense of achievement, but also, don’t forget to exercise, east well and get enough sleep.

Additionally, once you have cut ties with this boy, you might start making a move to find a spouse in the correct way having learnt a positive lesson from your previous experience. Let your parents know of your wishes and let them, and any loved ones such as close friends, support you in finding a spouse. Again, this is something that will please Allah in that He will see you making amends, learning from the past and seeking to do things in the correct way that will be most pleasing to Him. In sha Allah He will grant you a righteous spouse.

May Allah guide you on the straight path and accept your repentance. May He grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.

Question 2 – Unhappy marriage

Assalamu alaikum I want answers insha allah My mother told me that she wants me to be the husband of my second uncle He is older than me I told her that I don’t want to be his wife She told me that you going to have a good future with him She didn’t listen to me and told the family that she would like me to be their son wife My mother came home said I told them they said they are ready I was angry and called him told him I don’t want his marriage He said okay My mother came from work She was angry and telling me I will get cursed if I refused she didn’t eat she kept talking about me I didn’t know what to do I was so scared I finally accepted because that’s the only way she will be happy about it I got married to him I always cry not happy in the marriage I hate him every day every time I see him face u get angry I don’t talk to him I want to get divorced Because I’m not happy secondly There is no communication He does not work live with his mother’s house please help me I want to do what’s right Sharia law in islam.

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatualhi wa baratuh sister,

You have been forced into a marriage to your second uncle despite your protests against this. You felt obliged to do so as your mother had even gone to the extremes of stopping eating until you accepted the proposal. You have never been happy in this marriage and wish for a divorce.

Marriages may have there ups and downs and communication can often cause challenges, however, given that you never wanted to marry this man in the first place it has become an ongoing issue and will not contribute to a successful and happy marriage.

Likewise with regards to the hatred you feel towards him, again, this will not make for a comfortable environment or comfort that spouses are supposed to find in each other during marriage. This, along with the fact that he is reliant upon his mother and does not work to provide for you both will lead to the unhappiness that you are feeling right now and will not change unless matters in the marriage change.

This all seems very wrong and certainly marriage cannot be forced like this. You were the one to accept the marriage, however you were forced to do so via a form of emotional abuse. This is completely unfair for you in so many ways and is not acceptable as your rights cannot possibly be fulfilled.

Firstly, I would urge you to seek scholarly advice on this matter to see if this marriage is even valid to begin with. The results of this will determine what you should do next. If it is determined that the marriage is not valid then it is clear cut.

However, do keep in mind that if this is the case, you will need the support of those around you as you would need to leave the mans house. If they are not going to be supportive, you might ask your local imam, or whoever you sought the scholarly advice from as to what you need to do next.

If it is determined that the marriage is valid, then you might begin by trying to make things work for a time. It may be that the way you were pressured into the marriage is what is causing such feelings towards him and you have not given him the chance to show his good side, or you have not been open to seeing it.

You might seek counselling together and even with your family so that you can have a chance to air your concerns and frustrations regarding hos this marriage was arranged without your willing consent. It may be simply having that neutral space to offload might release some of the frustrations and to try and make things work for you. Do things together that you enjoy to try and nurture some level of love between you that can be built on and maybe in time you will develop feelings for him.

On the other hand, given the circumstances in which you were pushed together maybe this will never work however hard you try. However, if you give it a chance and show those around you that you have tried everything to make it work but yet still haven’t developed any feelings towards him and are unhappy in the marriage then you have a stronger case to walk away, especially if he continues to not fulfil your rights as a wife in taking care of you and providing for you.

This will allow you to walk away knowing that you did try, and will more likely gain you the support of your loved ones as they have seen patiently try. This way they will be more likely to provide the support that you will need if you should eventually divorce.

Aside from this, given the deep unhappiness that you are feeling, its important that you also take care of your own psychological wellbeing to ensure that you don’t slip into depression. Spend time with sisters who care for you and will provide a loving environment for you that will also keep you closer to Allah.

Continue to turn to Allah for His guidance and comfort during these times of despair. Find comfort in his remembrance by fulfilling your prayers, making dua and reading the Quran each day.

May Allah guide you patiently to what is best for you. If this marriage is not meant to be, or is haram even, may He take it away from you with now ill consequences. May He grant you happiness and success in a marriage to someone who will be good for you in this life and the next, whether it is this man, or someone else.

Question 3 – Deciding about the marriage proposal.

As Salam U Alaikum. As a normal person, for many girls I meet in life in college, office, family etc. some kind of attraction and feelings get generated in heart for some and for many other girls there is no feeling of attraction the heart is neutral. Recently I got a marriage proposal I went ahead and had said yes considering that the girl is of good character, religious and their family is very cultured plus she is good looking. I have been rejecting girls who are religious and of good character plus from good family since the last couple of years for the same reason that no feelings or attraction are getting generated in my heart when I see those girls. I thought if I continue to do this way maybe ill become blameworthy by letting go such good proposals. I have seen my cousins struggling to even get one good proposal and I am blessed to have got so many proposals but I have been rejecting them due to my issue. But after saying yes, deep down my heart I have this thing that no feeling has generated in my heart when I saw that girl and I am forcing myself for this. I have done similar kind of mistake in past(not marriage but female friend with whom I thought I would have love marriage didn’t had any feelings for her and had to let her go) and lost close to 6-7 years of my life with my health destroyed and career stagnant. I don’t want to repeat same mistakes, I don’t want to hurt others. What should I do, since the marriage is not yet done there is still a chance to avoid doing mistake. Please guide me. I have done istikharah many times.

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

You are at a stage in your life where marriage has become very important and is taking up a lot of your thoughts right now in deciding what actions to take moving forward and deciding who is the best match. You have made mistakes in the past and do not wish to do the same again.

Alhamdulilah, you are doing the right thing in making it a matter that you turn to Allah about. This is absolutely the best thing to be doing and you should continue to do so. Alhamdulilah that you have also had many proposals and are not left struggling as you have seen your cousins doing. However, this has left you with a different dilemma in trying to chose who will be best for you.

You are correct that since you are not married, you are not committed to anyone yet and wont be until the day the nikkah is done. However, the longer you wait, the more difficulty you will face in trying to make a decision as more proposals come in. It seems you are getting proposals from women who meet the criteria of being good muslimahs of good families and good characters, yet you don’t always have that additional feeling in your heart towards this person.

In order to step out of this cycle and move forward you should establish what the most important characteristic is for you. For example, you seem to respond more favourably to those who have good characters, which is an excellent place to start. If this is the most important factor for you, then its important that you relaise that not everyone will meet every single criteria that you might desire, but if she has the top quality then in sha Allah the rest will fall into place. If she is a person of good character who practices her deen then she will most likely bring you a happy home and raise your children together in a way that will be pleasing to Allah and you.

Even though the physical attraction is important and you may not feel that towards her at first, or even feel that she is someone you have feelings for, understand that these things generally happen and develop over time. We are not all immediately attracted to our spouses, but it is with time spent together nurturing the relationship that these feelings then develop and a successful contented marriage is born. Of course, this is more likely to happen if you pick the sister that meets your criteria of having a good character and being from a good family.

If you are uncomfortable diving straight into a marriage when you are not 100% sure but have an idea that she could possibly be the one, then you could always have additional meetings with her and her family to see if some kind of spark evolves that tells you that you could eventually develop a deeper love in your heart for her.

It is a huge decision to make and you are within your rights to take your time with it as long as you are doing so in the correct way. However, at the same time, do also remember that taking longer than necessary may also continue to cause you difficulties too. Perhaps you might only allow yourself a given amount of time or proposals before you say enough is enough, its time to make a decision now and take the next step with no going back. Take your time to consider your proposals 1 by 1 and decide who best meets your criteria of ultimately what will make for a happy marriage.

You might also consult your loved ones to get their input also on who they see as being the most befitting for you. They will be able to see things that you may not have noticed or have even been bling to until this point.

Once you have made your decision, this is when you take it to Allah, make istikhara and it it is right for you, then He will facilitate it, and if not, He will place obstacles in your way that will not allow it to happen.

May Allah guide you to what is best for you and most pleasing to Him. May He grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.

Question 4 – Abusive husband and in-laws

Asalawallihkum, I got married 10 months ago and from the very first day of my marriage my husband and in laws were verbally abusive .In fact my husband brought his entire family on our honeymoon where my mother in law and sister in law judged me alot and created some issues between me and husband as well as gave no private space to us.

After returning from honeymoon ,my husband and in laws started being verbally abusive and my husband shared all our chats to my in laws ,leaked our bedroom conversation to his family and after 12 days of marriage my in laws called my parents and insulted me badly in front of everyone including my husband friend ..my husband broke my trust badly and leaked everything ..after that I was not allowed to come back to my husband ..he didnt come to take me from my parents house I waited for 5months he never contacted till today and on 6th month of marriage he sent me divorce papers.I have gone in depression post these incidence.What should I do should I reconcile with him in court or get out of this marriage?

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

Your marriage doesn’t seem to have been in a good place right from day 1. You have been verbally abusive by his family and he himself has broken your trust. Marriage has its ups and downs, but on the whole it should provide a source of comfort and happiness. You, however, don’t seem to have had the space to experience this and are instead experiencing depression and understandably so.

Under no circumstances would I advocate for people to quickly resort to divorce after such a short period and with no evidence of having tried to make things work, or having heard both sides of the story. However, in the case where someone is being abused, in whatever form I would also not advocate for hanging around either. Abuse is not acceptable.

Having not heard both sides of the story, I would recommend that the first thing that you do is seek marriage counselling where you can both air your sides of the story. This is best done with a Muslim counsellor or your local imam who will be able to advise appropriately from the Islamic perspective. This a neutral party where you can explain the situation openly and honestly without judgement whilst also allowing your husband to have his say also. This is the fairest way to do things.

Abuse is not ok in any form and should not be condoned and no one, man or woman, should be forced to remain in an environment where they feel unsafe. This said, at the end of the day, it is your choice what you do from here on in. Like I mentioned, I believe counselling with someone of knowledge is the appropriate route to take first to have your voice heard and for any wrongdoings to be pointed out as a means to direct guidance on both parts.

All the while, this should be done under the guidance of Allah. Turn the matter to Him. Take your decisions to Him first and allow Him to guide you to what is best. Additionally, whatever path you take, the support of your loved ones will be of utmost importance both for practical arrangements, but also for the much needed emotional support.

May Allah guide you to what is best on a path where you do not get hurt. May He grant you happiness and success in this life and the next.