We have had immense highs and some lows. We were madly in love; I would take her on holidays and treat her and the in-laws really well. However, for the last year, she has been abusive verbally and physically, and I believe the main reason is her mental health (her father passed away last year and she is a new mother), and that her mum is intrusive in our relationship.
So, back in November, my wife lashed out and abused me, we did have an intense argument and I walked out. She called the police and got me falsely arrested. I was released with no charge and did a counterclaim, which ended in no charge too.
I stayed away for 5 days even after my wife texted and rang me numerous times to come home. I couldn’t trust my wife due to her false accusations. After the fifth day away, I returned and noticed that the locks had changed and her family (uncles and aunties) have barricaded the property. (Which is in my sole name)
I returned twice to retrieve my goods as I needed some clothes (she called the police twice), but the police helped pack my stuff and I have never returned since.
My wife is easily manipulated by her extended family. Since then she has took out an occupation order and non-molestation order against me for no reason. This means I cannot contact her, or I face arrest. (I got a court hearing in 3 months, in which I can appeal this as I am innocent)
About 6 weeks later, I sent a letter to her asking to reconcile for the sake of our daughter. She contacted the police about my letter and the police said it was a nice letter and that I had done nothing wrong. She has not allowed me to see our daughter since the incident (8 weeks) even when I asked via solicitors.
She asked me to go through the courts. I cannot get through to her. We have had numerous mutual parties try and resolve things with her mum and family. However, her mum hates me and is trying to ruin my family. My wife is easily led by her mum, and I cannot get her back.
My wife has not asked for a divorce but has done a lot of damage to me, spurred on by her family which leads me to divorce her. What do you advise me now?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
Perhaps having a baby after losing her father was very difficult for her.
Due to possible unresolved grieving issues and possibly post-partum depression, she needs assessment and counseling.
Get a lawyer.
It would be wise if you both do reconcile to advise each set of parents and family that they are not to intrude upon your marriage.
Brother, under no circumstance should you put up with abuse.
As salamu alaykum brother,
I am sorry to hear about your situation with your wife and the state of your marriage. It is very sad, indeed. I can imagine you are very confused as well as obviously upset about what has happened. You seem like a very good husband and you treat your wife very well. Due to these behaviors and occurrences, you are probably shocked that this has happened, and rightfully so.
Two Red Flags
Brother, there are a few things that stand out in your question. The first is that her dad passed away last year, and she just had a baby. I am wondering if she had any grief counseling regarding the loss of her father.
When one grieves in Islam, there are set parameters and prescriptions for grieving. However, there are people who fall outside of this ability to move on after a brief grieving.
Grieving
Your wife may not have fully accepted or dealt with the passing of her father and may have been unable to express her feelings and sadness correctly with the outcome that has led to behavioral indications that something is not right. It could be that she has much sadness, feelings of loss, and even anger at his passing away. She probably misses him very much.
Post-Partum Depression
Secondly, your wife just had a baby. Having a child is such a joy and a blessing, but there are also stressors that come with childbirth and adjustment.
Perhaps having a baby after losing her father was very difficult for her. It could also be that she is suffering from postpartum depression which is a serious mental health issue that some women develop after having a baby.
According to The Mayo Clinic, post-partum depression includes feelings of depression or sadness that are present most of the time and last longer than two weeks after the birth of a baby. This can also turn into post-partum psychosis. For more information on this severe mental health illness, please see the link above.
Counseling
Due to possible unresolved grieving issues and possibly post-partum depression, she needs assessment and counseling.
Individual counseling would be best for her if she is willing. If she is not agreeable to this, then marriage counseling may be a good option as it could help address some of these issues.
Since this situation is so emotionally charged, she may respond better if counseling is presented as a joint effort as she may feel less like it is her “fault”.
If indeed this is successful, the next step may include the marriage counselor encouraging her to be assessed for postpartum depression and or issues with the grieving process as she lost her father.
Ideally, a marriage counselor would have a list of referrals.
These two issues once resolved in sha Allah, you may find her in a better frame of mind, more stable, as well as more amicable to resolving the marriage issues.
Seeking Legal Help
Brother, I would kindly suggest that you get a lawyer if possible. Insha’Allah, you (or your lawyer) may wish to request the courts grant you and your wife the opportunity to get counseling together to try to save your marriage or to get a mediator.
As there is a restraining order on you, perhaps when you go to your court hearing, you (or your lawyer) can ask for a counselor or mediator to help work things out with your wife. Of course, these two ideas will depend on an agreement from your wife.
In-Laws’ Intrusiveness
Parents usually like to help resolve matters in their children’s marriages when they arise and usually wait until they are asked.
Sometimes this is good, especially when the parents can be non-bias and look at the problem from a non-judgmental perspective. However, this seemed to not be the case with your wife’s family.
As you stated, your wife is easily manipulated by her family; her mother has always been intrusive in your relationship and does not like you. With that said,
it would be wise if you both do reconcile to advise each set of parents and family that they are not to intrude upon your marriage.
Sometimes the intrusion can exasperate the problems as you see now. Especially when families do not get along or are not fond of their child’s spouse, they can take an otherwise workable situation and make it horrendously impossible to deal with.
Oftentimes intervention from family members is positive and it helps to resolve an issue between a husband and wife. If this is not the case, however, you should seriously think of divorce.
Why Families Often Intervene
Usually, families intervene because they love and care about both the husband and the wife and want to see the marriage be successful. However, this does take a lot of strength to not favor their own child over the spouse. This is hard to do in some circumstances; thus, it is best that parents do not intervene unless asked by both marriage partners.
Abuse
Brother, under no circumstance should you put up with abuse. Allah hates abuse from either husband or wife. Abuse that takes place in marriage is an abomination. It does not matter whether it is the man abusing the woman or the woman abusing the man, husbands and wives should never harm each other.
The reporting of abused men is much lower due to possible ego and stigma concerns; however, it does exist.
You have the right to live in your own home, or anywhere for that matter, without the threat of violence. Abuse may be illustrative of your wife’s disintegrating mental health because previously there were no abusive behaviors.
Additionally, you wrote that your in-laws are encouraging and influencing her irrationality. Their influence is detrimental.
Reminders for Wife
Insha’Allah reminds your wife that you do love her and you want to save the marriage, but there are things that need to be addressed and things that need to be changed.
In sha Allah, remind your wife that you are both Muslim and that your marriage should be grounded on an Islamic foundation which includes trying to save the marriage as well as correcting any deficits within oneself that contribute to the marriage problems.
Conclusion
Brother, if you chose to try these recommendations outlined in this response, In sha Allah your wife will be agreeable to this. If she is agreeable to this and you do begin counseling, when you get to a safe level of trust between the two of you, you may wish to discuss the interference of family and how it could be damaging.
Perhaps you both can reach an agreement on how, when, and if, each of you would seek family intervention.
In sha Allah brother, your wife will be open to marriage counseling or mediation and that will lead to her addressing her issues concerning the loss of her father and possibly postpartum depression.
In sha Allah, things will go in your favor regarding the court hearing, as well as your wife, agreeing to address her mental health issues and the marriage through counseling. Allah knows best.
We wish you good outcomes for you and your wife.
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