They normalized the abuse stating I deserve the physical abuse because I disobeyed them when they found out I wrote in my diary that I hated them for all the years. I lived in fear that if I do anything wrong, I would be facing their wrath.
My relationship with my father is non-existent. He has been an emotionally distant father to me and I have not had a proper conversation with him since junior high school. My mother blurts hateful demeaning remarks about me whenever I don't do things her way and tries to control all my life decisions.
I strived to become a perfect child for them so I won't get hit or verbally abused especially when I didn't do well in school. For a few years, I did well. I graduated with honors from a university overseas, which is a generally big achievement in my hometown.
However, my relationship with my parents, especially my mother, became rocky when I started doing my master's.
When I asked her to give me space while I do my workload outside the home, she would tell me off saying things as I treat her like a slave. I tried to make her understand my position but she would not have it so for the whole time I did my studies.
She would send me very mean texts that drove me away. For a couple of years, I preferred staying out of the home and coming home late at night so I don't have to see her or hear her.
On top of all this, I was in the midst of depression since my degree years and was involved in a relationship with a boyfriend who limited my contact with friends eventually ending them.
I broke up with my controlling boyfriend after my grandmother passed away. During this time, I ran away from home and stopped going to work, got knocked up, and had to get married.
All this added stress and unhealed trauma from my parents caused me to have a mental breakdown one year into my new job that caused me to be demoted.
I think all that took a toll on my marriage. My husband and I ended up having countless and sometimes violent fights.
He eventually cheated on me when I had just given birth to our second child. I'm also struggling financially as my husband has a job that hasn't paid him.
During these few years of struggles, all my parents said was that this was because this is Allah's wrath on me for being disobedient to them. Implying that again I deserve it.
It doesn't help that I still live with my parents who hears all my arguments with my husband particularly after I found out he was cheating.
Adding more tension between both me, my husband and my parents who already dislike him as they don't think he deserves me because at the time we got married, he was unemployed when we had a baby on the way.
It also doesn't help that my mother texts my husband stating he's not a good husband and father, that they would sue him for alimony when we get divorced. This caused me to have a row with her that until now, things have become icy in my family home between us.
Over the years, I have tried to mend my relationship with my parents. Fearing Allah would smite me but with my depression untreated for a decade, I made poor life decisions and now am full of regrets and misery. With Covid, I'm unable to go for therapy.
I have cried to Allah and tried to keep my prayers. My parents have not instilled religious values in me growing up. They have told me that it was not necessary for me to be religious now and only if I'm ready when I'm a lot older.
Now and everyday I regret not having Allah with me every step of the way. I feel if my parents had taught me to pray to Allah through all my hardship, I would not be in this situation where I am lost and confused.
Now I'm thinking is Allah showing his wrath to me because I disobeyed my parents? Even though they have mistreated me, they did give me shelter and provided me opportunities to study further to which I am still grateful.
But it's hard to show my gratitude when they do not show any support when I'm struggling in my marriage, financially, and with my mental health. I have lost all my friends from my previous relationship and I don't have any family member I can talk about this to.
Now I'm on antidepressants and losing a lot of weight. I hope you can give me some insight and guidance. I am really desperate.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
Please know that this is not your fault and please know that you never should have been abused.
Please evaluate your situation and ask “what do you want to do to make your life happier, how can you start on the path towards change and healing.
Insha’Allah sister, please do start praying. Allah loves you very much and Allah does not want to see you suffer. Allah hates abuse.
See if the Masjid or your local Islamic Center has any support groups or resources for you. Your journey back into Islam will be a blessed one sister. Allah loves you.
Seek counseling online.
As salamu alaykum dear sister,
I am so sorry that you have been physical, emotionally, and verbally abused while growing up. I would like to start out by saying that you do not deserve to be abused. No child should be abused. Abusing children is a sin in Islam.
Your parents will have to face Allah on Judgement Day for what they did to you. Please know that this is not your fault and please know that you never should have been abused.
Sadly, many children grow up with abusive parents. Not only in Islam but other religions and families with no religion as well. Tragically, abuse is common worldwide.
Abusive Parents
What you are describing in terms of your dad as well as your mom is consistent with abusive manipulation. Your mom making hateful remarks, becoming abusive, and trying to control all of your life decisions, as well as blaming you for the abuse itself is consistent with malfunctioning parents.
Abusers usually do try to blame their victims. Just because a parent(s) provides a nice home and food for a child does not mean they have the right to abuse the child. They do not-it is a sin.
Striving to be a Perfect Child
I can understand you striving to be a perfect child for them. Not only did you seek to be loved by your parents which is normal, you probably did not want to be physically or verbally abused if you did something wrong as well.
However, no one is perfect and it is nearly impossible to not make mistakes. Children learn from mistakes. And as we grow older, we continue to learn from our mistakes.
Mistakes are a learning tool.
Once we learn from our mistakes, we move on however as the human condition dictates, no one is perfect thus Allah is most merciful and forgiving. In regards to your parents, it would have been nice if they were loving and forgiving and did not have such high expectations, however that was not the case.
Great Accomplishments Despite Great Obstacles
Based on the information you provided, the issues with your parents continued even though you are grown and working on your master’s degree. You stated that you stayed away from home so you didn’t have to see or hear your mom’s abuse.
You also stated that you were depressed for a very long time and got involved in a relationship. Sadly, even this relationship appears to be abusive as you said the boy was controlling.
This is sometimes a common problem with children who have been abused: they seek spouses/relationships which are also abusive or have those controlling traits.
Alhamdulilah you ended this relationship not only because it was Haram but because he was just another abusive person in your life.
Despite all of the struggles you were up against sister, you persevered, completed your studies, attained a high degree and success. I’m so proud of you!
Current Situation
Currently, you are married, but not before much trauma. You stated that after you broke up with your controlling boyfriend your grandmother passed away, you ran away from home, stopped going to work, and got pregnant and married.
You also stated that you had a mental breakdown one year into your new job that caused you to be demoted. Based on all of this trauma, your marriage has been suffering.
Again, you are in an abusive relationship where you and your husband end up having violent fights.
Blame Game
Sadly, your parents blamed you for all that has been going on. During these years of your struggles, they said that it was because of Allah’s wrath on you for being disobedient to them.
Not once do they realize that their abuse of you for all of these years has resulted in a lot of trauma, pain, and confusion in your life.
While we are all responsible for our own decisions, being abused as a child and being abused moving forward definitely affects decision-making.
Instead of being loving and consoling and supportive, they are blaming you as they have always done. This should be no surprise.
A Turning Point
Sister, this appears to be a big turning point in your life. You have great insight into what is currently going on as well as what went on in the past.
Sadly, you are still in an abusive situation not only with your parents but with your husband. It is no wonder you cannot heal, there is nowhere for healing to begin. You are surrounded by violence and abuse.
Examining Choices
Sister, I kindly ask you to examine any resources that you have. Examine your job, your housing options, any family that is supportive of you, as well as community resources for making changes. The situation with your parents, the violence in your marriage, is not an Islamic foundation for happiness.
Please evaluate your situation and ask “what do you want to do to make your life happier, how can you start on the path towards change and healing.”
You are in a situation wherein you are empowered to make the needed changes, but you must take the first steps—and that starts with self-love-and a commitment to your safety, well-being, and happiness.
Counseling
Sister, you feel you cannot go for counseling because of covid, however there are counselors who will do counseling on Zoom or other platforms.
Also, if your therapist or counselor is aware that you are in an abusive situation they are obligated ethically and morally to help you make a plan to leave should you want to.
Stopping the Cycle
As you grew up with violence around you from your parents, and you are now living with abuse/violence as an adult, do you want your child to live a life of violence as well?
Insha’Allah sister please think about this…it’s time to break the cycle. Insha’Allah, now is the time to make changes, to start to look in other directions to break free from this generational pattern of abuse and trauma.
Allah is our Safehold
Insha’Allah sister, please do start praying. Allah loves you very much and does not want to see you suffer. He hates abuse. He’s just been waiting for you to come to Him. It is never too late.
Insha’Allah you will find that once you start getting closer to Allah, He will open many doors for you in terms of healing and changing your life. Go to the Masjid, make friends with the sisters there.
See if the Masjid or your local Islamic Center has any support groups or resources for you. Your journey back into Islam will be a blessed one sister. Allah loves you.
Conclusion
Sister, I am so sorry for all you have gone through. Please know you are not alone.
There are also good support groups for women who have been victims of domestic violence (by parents or spouses) and these groups can be very helpful.
Please talk to your counselor about more sessions as well as inform her of any changes you would like to make in your life. You do not deserve to be abused.
You deserve to live in a safe environment, as well as heal and be happy. Perhaps now is the time.
Please think of not only yourself but your child’s safety. This is a toxic environment and you have every right to make changes. Insha’Allah, start praying, go to the Masjid, reach out to make friends there, and stand on determination and faith in Allah that a new life is waiting for you.
I am confident you will be successful in this-just as you have in the past with your other accomplishments and aspirations.
Please be safe, we wish you the best.
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