I really need my husband more, but he is not ready to understand my need. He even avoids talking romantically on the phone. I feel lonely. I am unable to be patient and be encouraging. I always get hurt and broken by silly things. .
I'm ready to work, I want to be with him. I waited for 10 months. I can't bear this situation. .
My husband says to me to wait. He also suffers economically. But I can't. Guide me please. .
This situation makes me masturbate which I fully disguise. I know it is wrong, but shaitan makes me do it. Please, I want to be a good Muslimah.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
Having a conclusion to separation and distance is always a good thing moving forward that way you have something to look forward to.
If you find yourself becoming overwhelmed or lonely engage in a hobby, workout, speak with a Muslim sister for company, take a walk in nature, or do any number of things that would ease your state of mind, relax you and make you happy.
Often times when there is too much idle time, our minds can go into overdrive. In sha Allah, go to the Masjid when you can, attend Islamic events, read the Qur’an, as well as take an Islamic class to keep building your knowledge and iman.
As salamu alaykum dear sister,
First, congratulations on your marriage! I understand that it has not started off the way you have dreamed or thought it would, but marriage is something that two people work on, sacrifice for at times, as well as utilize mercy, patience, kindness, and communication. It is a blessing and worth all the hard work and sacrifices!
New Husband is Away
As your husband is abroad, I can imagine you miss him very much and that you are lonely for him. It is unclear whether or not you moved to his country or he moved to yours. At any rate, it is common sometimes for husbands to have to go abroad to work or study when they are married.
Getting to Know One Another
As you have only been married for 40 days, it is a very short time to get to know one another. You stated that he does not understand your needs and he avoids talking to you romantically on the phone.
Perhaps he feels shy or maybe it is because the two of you have not spent enough time together and he does not know how to act romantic with you.
At any rate, it most certainly is not advisable for a couple to be apart so early in a marriage and for so long. It is not conducive to bonding.
As you can see communication is difficult and often results in hurt feelings. Despite these obstacles, you can make the best of this situation by knowing it will end soon and you will be together. Insha’Allah, use this time to get to know each other via other ways such as phone, video calls, cards, and so forth.
Building a New Life
In sha Allah’s sister, you may want to ask him if he has any idea when he will be able to return home. I understand that he is not in a good place economically but having an idea may help you to adjust better.
I am wondering if there is work for him where your home is. Or if it is that you are going to move abroad to be with him, it may be that he wants you to come to a home that is nice and suitable for his new wife.
It also may be that he understands you are lonely and that you need him but he may feel frustrated that he cannot get things together fast enough.
Insha’Allah I kindly suggest that you try to be a little bit more patient and more supportive of his efforts. I understand you are hurting right now; you may feel insecure and as a new wife ignored. However, insha’Allah try to remember that your new husband is there to create a beautiful life for you and him. It is not easy to do that sometimes.
Tests and Trials
Sister, this is just one of the small tests and trials that you may go through as husband and wife.
I encourage you to have conversations with your husband that are uplifting and a building for both of you.
The more you support each other and your endeavors, the better things will get insha’Allah.
Masturbation
You spoke about masturbation and how bad you feel doing it. Sister, it is understandable because you were with your husband for about a month and now you’re not…you’re all alone. Despite being alone your body and your mind probably miss him and is most definitely used to having sex.
At this point, despite differences in scholarly opinions, I will kindly advise you not to be too hard on yourself regarding masturbating. Just try not to make it a habit or do it too much as it will take your focus away from your husband when you are reunited.
If this helps you and keeps you from committing zina, then it is permissible. If it is because you miss him and you feel sexual desire that means that you are human, however, as stated above just try not to make it a habit.
Speak with Husband
I kindly advise you, sister, to please speak with your husband and try not to add any pressure to the conversation, but try to get an idea of when he will be coming home. Or if the case is that you are going there when you are able to go there.
Having a conclusion to separation and distance is always a good thing moving forward that way you have something to look forward to.
Also, ask your husband what you can do on your end to be helpful and supportive.
Conclusion
Sister, while not an ideal situation, this time and distance will pass. Insha’Allah make dua to Allah for strength, patience, and guidance during these hard times.
If you find yourself becoming overwhelmed or lonely engage in a hobby, workout, speak with a Muslim sister for company, take a walk in nature, or do any number of things that would ease your state of mind, relax you and make you happy.
Often times when there is too much idle time our minds can go into overdrive. In sha Allah go to the Masjid when you can, attend Islamic events, read the Qur’an, as well as take an Islamic class to keep building your knowledge and iman.
Insha’Allah, the more you keep busy with positive and up-building things, the faster the time will go-and the happier you will feel now—and when you are reunited with your husband.
We wish you the best.
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