My intention is completely clear. Such situations make me feel so frustrated because I obviously do not want to do haram but at the same time it just feels too awkward, even childish in a way. (I have grown up in the West where there is nothing wrong with exchanging some innocent words with the opposite gender, as long as it is not becoming a flirting, or chitchatting about deeply personal stuff.)
I cannot completely ignore these family members. What do you think, how to solve this frustration inside me?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
You are not alone in such feelings.
You should also be aware of how much Shaytān loves to lead people astray and how he can do so in such a clever way.
Understand that doing your best to behave the way you do for the sake of pleasing Allah is far more important in the long run than pleasing family members.
You might also at the beginning of the meeting ask other brothers if they’d like to follow you somewhere.
Another thing you might try is to tackle it from the root. So, talk to whoever organizes the gatherings and gently let them know that you are not comfortable with such arrangements and that actually they’re not really OK Islamically.
Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,
It is understandable how difficult it is when the culture you live in follows practices that are not completely compatible with Islam.
Of course, as a Muslim, you are bound by what Allah has told you, and that is to refrain from unnecessary free mixing. At the same time, when the culture where you are living practices the opposite to this, how to uphold the values of Islam without feeling awkward, or making others look at you strangely for not fitting in with everyone else?
You are not alone in such feelings.
Many Muslims living in the West go through similar dilemmas whether it be the same one as you, or something else where the cultural practices oppose that of Islam.
There are, however, solutions that allow you to uphold your values as a Muslim whilst not being too offensive to those around you.
Satan’s way
I understand that you are very clear in your mind and possibly outwardly too that there are no ill intentions in your interactions with others. It’s very important that you always maintain this clarity. It is also important that as much as you are clear about your intentions,
you should also be aware of how much Shaytān loves to lead people astray and how he can do so in such a clever way.
So, in the case of free mixing, for example, someone may free mix completely innocently to begin with having no intentions of it leading to anything harmful. Then slowly and gradually, little opportunities arise for innocent discussion about nothing untoward before discussion leads to something more personal without even realizing it.
Over time, perhaps a long time, people become more comfortable with one another and maybe even develop feelings for one another. This starts showing in the behavior towards one another.
Anyhow, this doesn’t mean that it would definitely happen or that it always does. However, being aware of how these things can subtly happen can help make it less frustrating.
Pleasing Allah over people
I understand that this may feel like a bit of a lecture, but it is important that you have this in mind first to feel less awkward.
Understand that doing your best to behave the way you do for the sake of pleasing Allah is far more important in the long run than pleasing family members.
Keep that in mind when you are feeling awkward.
However, at the same time, it is important to maintain family relations. In order to do this, you can maintain relations by still being present, but being ever conscious of how you are interacting.
So, for example, it sounds like the situations you refer to tend to happen in groups. Alhamdulilah, at least you are not mixing one to one with members of the opposite gender. Where possible, try to sit amongst and talk with those of the same gender, not those who are also mixing with the opposite gender.
Practical Tips
Engage in the conversation and maintain those ties. If the meeting is going on for some time and there are still non-Mahrams present, make a valid excuse to leave.
You might also at the beginning of the meeting ask other brothers if they’d like to follow you somewhere (whether it be outside of the house or to another location in the same house) to naturally make the separation of genders.
Another thing you might try is to tackle it from the root. So, talk to whoever organizes the gatherings and gently let them know that you are not comfortable with such arrangements and that actually they’re not really OK Islamically.
Rather than trying to seem like you want to put a stop to them altogether, just suggest alternative arrangements, even if it is as simple as brothers and sisters sitting separately in the house.
Depending on your relationship with the person, this may or may not be an easy thing to do. If you feel this may be awkward, approach someone in the group who you know to be stronger in their deen to support you in this. Either approach the organizer or make the move to encourage separation with you.
May Allah reward your intentions and keep you strong in your Deen. May He bring you success in this life the next and make it easy for you face your challenges successfully for His pleasure.
Amen,
***
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