I found him talking on the phone saying he wants to keep me, his daughter, locked up and enslaved to him for the rest of his life. Acting selfishly, he even shows reluctance towards providing for my education violating my basic right to earn knowledge which is the obligation of every Muslim to draw nearer to allah and earn His pleasure.
There are no counselling services that are available to me except this website as I live under an oppressive father trapped in a city with few trained counselling providers. I'm in desperate need of finding closure during this trying moment as I do not want to ever feel distant from Allah.
I even suffered from the covid19. The virus directly attacked my body and I was helpless at first and stayed feverish for an entire week. Till my father finally decided to take me to hospital. Only because he was finding it too unbearable for himself as he was also infected with the virus.
He is extremely abusive and domestically violent. I've been trying to keep myself busy with academic work but it always comes back to me. I’m always nervous about the next harm that's going to be inflicted upon me by him.
I feel spiritually drained and mentally exhausted. My mother, too, has no way of getting a divorce from him because we do not earn any money and count in as part of the dependent population. There are many personality flaws in him that we try our best to overlook and forgive.
It gives me the nagging feeling that Allah might have placed a lock on his heart as mentioned in verses about a category of people in surah Baqarah. All I want is to find solace in my heart that lasts and doesn’t fade away with time. Please advise. How can I do good and forbid evil to a stubborn parent?
Assalam alaikum wa rahmatullahi wabarakatuhu.
Answer
In this counseling session:
- I first and foremost advise you to call the helpline as soon as possible to escape from this horrific situation.
- Yes, Islam tell us to respect our parents and be good to them. However, children have their rights as well over the parents. And definitely when you experience any kind of abuse from your father, this cannot be tolerated.
- Seek help from your local mosque.
- Find a safe place to stay.
- Connect with other victims of abuse.
- Personal counseling.
- Strengthen your connection with Allah.
Salam Aleikom sister,
I am so sorry to read of your abusive situation. Unfortunately, you are not alone.
Sister, you, your siblings and mother’s safety is the most important. You mentioned not only that your father restricts you from going to school, but he is emotionally and physically abusive toward all of you. Therefore, I first and foremost advise you to call any of these helplines I listed to you below as soon as possible to escape from this horrific situation.
Abuse Helpline in South Africa
They will be able to help you over the phone as well. Call them when your father is not at home. Or reach out to them online as you did with us. They live in your country, they know your circumstances better, inshallah, therefore they are in a better position to advise you what to do. Some of them even offer shelters for families like you. Please, make an action for your own safety!
There are a lot of reasons a father might get abusive with his family – drug abuse, abusive childhood, other mental illnesses. Currently what you must care about is your safety and getting out of that house and situation as soon as possible.
Respect
Yes, Islam tell us to respect our parents and be good to them. However, children have their rights as well over the parents. And definitely when you experience any kind of abuse from your father, this cannot be tolerated – despite the fact that unfortunately, societies still exist where domestic abuse is an everyday phenomenon and considered normal.
In this regard, Western countries are often better than some Muslim countries: they offer so much help for victims of abuse.
So please, sister. act. Allah does not want you to suffer by the hand and abusive restrictions of your father. There is no justification for a parent to abuse their child. And you have no obligation to endure it.
Check out this counseling video:
Find a safe place
I am not certain what the helpline social workers will tell you. However, most likely they will encourage you as well to find a safe place – the home of your relatives, or a friend. As your siblings and well as your mom are also the victim of your father, it would be better to move out together.
I am not sure how warm your relationship is with your other family member, but inshallah you and your mom can find someone where you all could move, at least temporarily.
Seek help from your local mosque
Is there any relative or someone in your community your father respects and you can contact? An option could be getting in contact with someone from the local mosque who may be willing to spend time with your dad and make him realize the fatal mistakes he has been making. There must be a reason your dad acts this way.
Until you cannot find a safe place and move
Avoid any situation you know triggers your father. Try spending as less time as possible around him.
Try looking at him in a way that he has an illness that makes him be violent. This might help you set a tone of voice that keeps him calm as well as your emotions.
His behavior does not only harm you all, but in the eyes of Allah, what he does is a great sin.
“The best of you are the best to their families, and I am the best to my family. When your companion dies, then do not abuse him.” al-Tirmidhī 3895
He does not fulfill neither your rights over him, nor his duty as a father or husband – or human being. He needs help to change.
Connect with other victims of abuse
There are many people who are unfortunately in your shoes, or have been at some point in their life. Please reach out to these survivors of domestic violence. You can find them on Facebook in groups or other forums. Ask them what they did, how they ended the abuse.
Personal counseling
Being a victim of abuse is traumatic. The connection with our parents influences many things in our life: our self-esteem, who we chose for marriage, what kind of relationship we have with him in the marriage….etc.
For a daughter, the connection with her father is crucial for her love life. You need to heal from the trauma so that you can choose and live a happy marriage, inshallah.
Therefore, I sincerely advise you to start the healing process after you get safe, or even before. Seek help from a psychologist – even online – face to face who help you process this trauma. We also have an online counseling service, please check it out.
At the same time, I encourage you to read books and articles on the topic. “How to heal after a traumatic childhood, healing from parental abuse, having a bad connection with father” are among the phrases I would search for in Google.
If you connect with other survivors of abuse, I am sure they will recommend many good books on the topic.
Take care of yourself
Well, seeking one to one counseling is the most important way you can take care of yourself. However besides that, you need to do things that bring you happiness in your life.
Do things you enjoy. Have a hobby. Exercise. Be with people who are positive, who cheer you up, and whom you like hanging out with.
Spend time with your family – your mother and siblings – a lot. You are in one ship, you can help each other emotionally a lot. Talk, joke, play inside or outside the house. Bring joy to each other’s life. Be there for each other.
Strengthen your connection with Allah
As Muslims, this is our ultimate strength. We have Allah. He knows your struggles. He lets such negative things happen because He granted free will to humans. Also, He might teach you something with it, prepare you for something.
You know, all great people have suffered a lot. Think of the prophets. Or the successful people of our time. Comfortability does not bring change, but challenges and suffering does.
You must act immediately to get out of this situation. However, you may inshallah look at your current situation later in a way that helps you to learn certain things in life. Allah knows best.
Be sure Allah is there for you, and He listens to your duas and will help you.
“And when My slaves ask you (O Muhammad (SAW)) concerning Me, then (answer them), I am indeed near (to them by My Knowledge). I respond to the invocations of the supplicant when he calls on Me (without any mediator or intercessor). So let them obey Me and believe in Me, so that they may be led aright” [Surah Al-Baqarah, 2:186]
Continue keeping up your 5 times daily prayer. Do things that strengthen your relationship with Allah. Earning the pleasure of Allah is our ultimate success and happiness.
Stay safe sister. Act. Seek help. Take care of yourself, and stay close to Allah.
Salam,
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