Things were better for a short while but he started acting suspicious again, and locked me out of his social media accounts to hide things again (he got busted the first time through social media as well).
I talked to him about my insecurities and how affected I still am because of what he has done. However, he dismisses my concerns, and we always end up arguing.
He blames me for bringing up the past, while we should move forward instead. I want to but what he did still bothers me and I cannot trust him. He doesn’t want to understand that.
We are cousins. I even involved our parents during many of our fights. They all believe him, and dismiss my concerns. The thing is, he is lying to them and tells them what they want to hear. So they tell me to forgive him because we are related.
When I was pregnant with our baby, he cheated on me with another woman and married her secretly. When I comfort him, he denied it.
I had photos to prove this, and he finally admitted the marriage but swore to God again that he divorced her. A few days later, he told me that he lied and is still married but that he is getting on divorce.
He kept on feeding our parents lies. I was pregnant, and it was already very stressful so I did not know what to do. Our parent kept telling me to forgive him because I will give birth to his child. He apparently divorced her a few months before I gave birth to our son.
We had many arguments because of his secrets, and the fact that I don't trust him. However, ever since I give birth, every time we have an argument he hits me. He gives excuses like I was being disrespectful, I told him many times that he has no right to hit me. One time he even tried to choke me. He believes that hitting me is not abusive and denies that it's.
In one of our recent arguments, he hit me and during our struggle I ended up with a bruise on my forehead. I called the cops on him because I had enough. He took my phone from me and smashed it on the floor completely destroying it. The cops came and arrested him. I told them that I do not want them to charge or jail him but just to keep him away from me. I even refused to let them take photos of my forehead or my phone.
His family took his side, and blamed me for calling the cops on him. My mother in law even started spreading rumors about me that I called the cops on his son for no reason and that there were no physical abuse. Even though they have all seen my injuries.
I left the state and went to my mom’s. She did not want me to come because everyone will blame her for letting me leave. Which they did do but I am at my mom's now because I need somewhere in feeling safe.
I asked for a divorce but my uncles don't seem to want to go through with that since my husband is telling them that he wants me.
He told me that he loves me and takes full responsibility for his actions. The thing is, I cannot trust what he says because he broke his promises before. He says this time is different, to give him one month and if he doesn't change he will divorce me.
I do not want to be a fool by believing him as I did before only to find out he was lying again. I just want a divorce. I do not want to make the same mistake again by going back to him. However, I do not know how to go about it. Since he doesn't want to divorce me, what should I do; how can I get a divorce?
Answer
Insha’Allah please call the domestic violence hotline.
Go to a community center near you for counseling.
Retain a lawyer and get your divorce.
Insha’Allah, do not discuss any of this with your family or his at this point. They do not have your or your son’s best interest at heart, and they could put you in dire danger.
As Salamu Alaykum,
Sister, you have been married for two years. Since this time, your husband has cheated on you several times and lied to you about it.
He always asks for forgiveness and unfortunately, he swears to Allah that it will not happen again but it does.
That is a very serious situation in itself. One should not swear to Allah and then go against what he has promised. There are severe consequences. The situation became physically violent, and you are now at your mom’s home.
The Cycle of Cheating, Lying, Emotional Abuse
Sister, it seems like you have been going back and forth with your husband your entire marriage. Between him cheating, lying, manipulating you into believing him, you finding out he is lying and getting upset, it has been a marriage built on lies, cheating and abuse.
Every time you find out and get upset, he lies again, blames you, and then you move forward and the cycle starts again.
Involving Family
You have involved his family and yours. In the case of your parents, they believe him. This is so tragic and sad to hear. They tell you to forgive him because he’s related to you.
How parents can tell their child to do this is beyond me. Especially when you were pregnant and he cheated on you, then got married to the woman he cheated on you with.
Your parents have the obligation to protect their child which is you. True, you are an adult but you are still their child. Oftentimes, cultural norms and values get in the way of common sense, and the results are horrendous.
After Birth of Son, Emotional Abuse Escalates to Domestic Violence
Before you gave birth to your son, he apparently divorced the other woman, according to you. However, the lies and the cheating kept going on.
In fact, it then escalated to violence. You stated that you gave birth and then every time you had an argument he would hit you saying you were disrespectful and that he has the right to hit you.
He even tried to choke you. Sister, you were in a situation that is dangerous! You are the victim of domestic violence and it is an aberration. It is a sin, and Allah detests it.
As a Muslim and as a Man
As a Muslim and as a man, he should be ashamed of himself. He’s going against everything that Islam teaches. He will earn the wrath of Allah.
Additionally, research has shown that men who abuse/hit/threaten women are insecure and fear that they are not masculine enough. Thus, they take these feelings of inadequacy and frustrations out on women and children.
Sick Families
The situation with the families is just as horrendous. They clearly know that you are being abused as you had the mark of a bruise on your forehead. His family clearly knows what he is like, and your family defended him because you are related. It is a sickening situation.
You stated that you left the state and went to your mom’s but she didn’t want you to come because everybody will blame her for letting you leave. I am wondering if they are waiting for him to kill you so that they can save their honor.
This is a disgusting situation, and my heart goes out to you! They all should be ashamed of themselves, the whole lot of them.
Current Situation
You are at your mom’s home and are safe. Please stay there! You stated that you asked for divorce but your uncles don’t want to go through with it, and your husband is telling them that he wants you back.
Do not go back! If you go back, you or your child may end up dead; this is the reality of it. He has lied to you the entire time of your marriage, and he’s lying again.
Suggestions
I would highly suggest that you get a lawyer and file for divorce. You do not need his permission, nor do you need your family’s permission. You most certainly don’t need his family’s permission.
In Islam, you as a woman have the right to file for divorce. You have the right to live in a calm, peaceful, loving home. You have the right to live a violence free life. These are your rights, and you have many more.
Insha’Allah please stop listening to your family and his as well. You have a precious son to raise, and you yourself are a precious Muslima. You do not deserve to be married to such garbage, and you certainly do not deserve to be abused.
You were correct when you said that you cannot trust what he says because he broke his promises before. That is so true, please remember this! As you live in the USA, you have many protections and rights concerning domestic violence.
I would kindly suggest going to a community center or Counseling Center, and retaining their services as soon as possible.
Also, call the domestic violence hotline and seek their advice on how to stay safe, how to proceed with divorce, and any other recommendations that they may have.
Keeping Focused and on the Path to Safety
Insha’Allah, please stop listening to your family, stop listening to his, and more importantly stop listening to him. He is dangerous. Insha’Allah have no further contact with him unless a lawyer advises it.
In the US, he can be charged with domestic violence as you know. You wrote in your question that there was a situation when you did call the police but you did not follow through.
Therefore, you know that he can be prosecuted. If it comes to that again, I kindly suggest that you do prosecute him and charge him with domestic violence.
Don’t Tell Family of Plans
Also, insha’Allah, when you retain a lawyer, you don’t need to tell your family or his family anything. They will likely tell him, and he may try to come get you and your son. Just make sure that you are safe.
By retaining the services of a counselor, lawyer, as well as talking with the Domestic Violence Prevention Hotline, you will be able to do this insha’Allah. If you need to leave your mother’s home, let them know, they can help.
Look to our Prophet’s (PBUH) way of Life and Qur’an
Sister, you have a wonderful life ahead of you insha’Allah. I beg you, please do not go back. You do not deserve to be treated this way, it is haram and it is sinful. The way your husband treated you is detestable.
Check out this counseling video:
You have left him. Do not go back, go forward. File for divorce and put all this behind you. You will get through this, Sister.
Look at the example of our beloved Prophet (PBUH). Would he ever treat one of his wives this way? No! We are to follow the sunnah of our Prophet (PBUH). Look at his example, and look in the Qur’an what Allah says about marriage and those who are oppressors.
In the Future
Sister, in the future should you meet a potential spouse, do not listen to your family. Listen to logic, and follow Islam. Choose a spouse who fears Allah, is merciful, kind, loving, and has good character.
Your family obviously does not understand what these qualities are nor do they understand the consequences and severity of domestic violence. Please leave them out of the equation should you marry again.
You and Your Son are Precious
Please remember that your life and your son’s life are important and precious. If you go back, you are putting yourself and your child in danger.
Allah gave you your son, it is up to you to protect him and yourself. You also will be held accountable if you do not. Allah says He hears the cries of the oppressed and helps them. Allah also helps those who help themselves. Trust in Allah and keep yourself and son safe.
Conclusion
Insha’Allah please call the domestic violence hotline and go to a community center near you for counseling. Retain a lawyer and get your divorce.
Insha’Allah, do not discuss any of this with your family or his at this point. They do not have your or your son’s best interest at heart, and they could put you in dire danger. We wish you the best, please let us know how you are doing.
Salam,
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
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