He came to my family and proposed. My family accepted and gave him a time frame to marry.
My ex was just finishing university and simply wasn’t ready yet. He told my family that he would be ready in 2 years. My family was appalled by this, and cancelled the engagement.
My ex and I were distraught. Our relationship became toxic. We were constantly arguing over the matter till it ended because my family threatened to disown me if I wait for him to marry me.
Then, my family kept bringing husband candidate after husband candidate. I kept refusing until my now-husband came along. My family manipulated me into marrying him.
I cut ties with my ex but I loved him too much. He felt as though I betrayed him by obeying my parents. He is still not married, and I know that the chance of him taking me back is second to none.
I explained the situation to my husband before marrying him, and he believed and made me believe that we were put together by Allah. He is a decent man, and does all he can to make me happy. However, I’ve never loved him in all these years. I’ve tried. I’m still trying for the sake of Allah.
I thought having a baby will fix the love; however, it didn’t. I don’t know what to do because it’s been too long into the marriage. I pray for guidance. I don’t want to hurt my husband, my parents or my child but I am honestly hurting inside. Please help me!
Answer
In this counseling answer:
I kindly suggest that insha’Allah, you work very hard on trying to forget about your ex. If you can stop thinking about him and feeling love for him, you may be able to fall in love with your husband. Just try it and give it some time.
I would recommend counseling.
Make dua to Allah to guide you in this process.
As salamu Alaykum,
Thank you for writing to us. Sister, you are in a difficult situation, really through no fault of your own. While it is best to marry as soon as possible, your ex fiance’s reasoning for wanting to wait for two years appears to be logical. You both had an agreement between you that this is what you wanted. Your family should not have interfered.
When Families Mean Well
Families often mean well but the outcomes can be disastrous, such as you are experiencing. Your family wanted you to be married, and to be happy and secure. They love you very much, and I am sure that they thought they were doing the right thing.
Inability to Love Husband Family Chose
As it turns out, you do have a very good husband. However, you do not feel love for him after four years of marriage and having a child. This is a very sad situation for everyone involved.
I do want to point out, however, that while you felt manipulated to marry him, you still did have a choice to wait. As a Muslim woman that is your right in Islam. Muslim women need to know this.
Try to Fall in Love with Husband
Sister, I understand that you have tried to love your husband. You sound like a really wonderful wife despite the fact that you cannot force yourself to love him. I also understand that you are hurting very much.
I see that you have a great deal of insight into the situation and you do not want to hurt anyone. Given the fact that your ex would probably never take you back according to you, there is no need to contemplate a divorce to be with him.
Still in Love with Ex
It could be that your inability to love your husband stems from your love for your ex. When one is in love with someone else, they often cannot fall in love with another. Only when the love for the other person goes away can that person truly begin to love again.
Sister, I kindly suggest that insha’Allah, you work very hard on trying to forget about your ex. If you can stop thinking about him and feeling love for him, you may be able to fall in love with your husband. Only Allah knows. It is worth a try.
Again, given the chances that your ex will not be with you if you were free to marry, you may need to put that part of your life behind you and move forward.
Counseling and Healing
Sister, I would recommend counseling. Initially, individual counseling on a regular basis for yourself may help you to sort out your feelings, and come to terms with the reality that what you think you love is in the past and gone.
Check out this counseling video:
You have suffered a loss, yet did not heal from it until now. A counselor can help you move through your grief over losing your ex as well as help you heal and move forward into the future.
Once you have healed from this hurt and loss, you will be able to love again insha’Allah. Insha’Allah, it will be your husband. If not, it may be somebody else.
Seek Allah
Sister, please do make dua to Allah to guide you in this process. Ask Allah to remove the love for your ex from your heart, and to help you heal. Ask Allah to place love in your heart for your husband.
Conclusion
Insha’Allah with time, healing, and recognizing that what you are holding onto is gone, you will be able to come to the realization of something wonderful that is right before you. You may discover wonderful things about your husband that may make you fall in love with him. Things that you could not see before or currently, because you are blinded by the love for another.
Sister, please do try to accept the reality that the past is gone. Insha’Allah you will come to terms with the hurt and loss through counseling, and be able to move on. Insha’Allah you will find love in your husband. We wish you the best.
Salam,
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