I am looking for some advice on the aspect of my wife's relationship with my mother which has deteriorated to the point where she does not want to speak to her again.
I find myself having to accept her stance for the sake of keeping peace in my own household, for the sake of my very young children to avoid subjecting them to an atmosphere of tension and argument on a daily basis.
My wife has her reasons for this situation. Although she sees things her way and my mother sees things her way, they are both right in their own way, even if they don't think the other is right.
My question briefly is that is it right for this situation to carry on as it is? If not, what should be done Islamically to resolve this and what are the rights in the relationships involved? Thank you.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• You can begin this process by trying to understand the reason behind their differences and use this understanding as a means to shape what actions you take.
• In addition, you need to allow them to have their own space within the home as well as spending time with them individually away from each other.
• You can also help by facilitating binds between them by doing things together as an extended family with the children and other members too.
• If it is still a matter that can’t be resolved in the home you should encourage them to attend counseling.
Wa Alaikum salaam wa Rahmatullah wa barakatuh brother,
It is not uncommon for spouses to have difficulties with their in-laws.
There can be numerous reasons for this, some may be more obvious than others. Such difficulties will often cause problems beyond solely the spouse and in-law(s).
It will extend to the entire family including other siblings, children…
For this reason, try tackling such difficulties as soon as possible for the sake of the entire family.
The first step is to try locating the source of the difficulties between the two parties.
Cultural clashes
Difficulties between the spouse and the in-laws can be due to cultural reasons.
Even if the two are from the same culture, every family has its own individual family values.
When a new spouse is introduced to the family, this can pose a threat to the cultural values of the family from which the spouse is from.
A new balance needs to be made that accommodates the needs of both.
This will mean making sacrifices where necessary. However, facilitating important values as much as possible.
In certain things, this becomes especially difficult where one is not willing to be accommodating of another.
Or even accept something that is not in line with their own traditional values.
If you feel this may be the case, then the first thing to do is ensure that all values exercised by the whole family are in line with Islamic principles. Rule out any that are not.
This may feel harsh to any who may not be living according to these values.
However, it is important in nurturing a household that is built on strong Islamic foundations from the very start.
As the man of the household, this should place you in a strong position to ensure these practices are adhered to.
Less obvious reasons for conflict
Other reasons could be less obvious. For example, the competition between your wife and mom for your attention.
Your mom carried you, gave birth to you and raised you as a child.
So, she may feel like she has more rights than your wife and is more deserving of your attention.
To some extent, it could be argued that this is true. Like your mother, she certainly deserves your respect.
And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination. (Qur’an, 31: 14)
However, your wife also has rights. You are also responsible for taking care of her too.
“Men are in charge of women by [right of] what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth.” (Qur’an, 4: 34)
Allow them their own space
From your question, I assume that you are all living together.
This will exacerbate any competition between the two, whether it is expressed openly or a hidden grudge inside.
Living under the same room makes any differences obvious and difficult to run a household.
Each party needs their own separate space to be away from one another.
This is to allow for their own privacy without feeling monitored and possibly judged by the other.
This could be done by physically creating a separate space, such as separate sitting rooms.
Or sharing tasks that might be causing conflict. For example, if it is cooking then you could mutually set a schedule between you where one is responsible for cooking on one day and the other on the next.
If this is the case, then this is something that you should all sit down together.
Do as a team so that both get their say. There they are more likely to adhere to the plan.
Give them each their time
You should also make sure that you give them both their own time and attention separate from one another.
Make sure to give your wife time alone together as a marital couple, just the two of you, away from your mom.
Likewise, make sure to give time to your mom alone without your wife being around.
This will let them know that they are both special to you.
You also set a boundary that you owe time to both of them for separate reasons.
Make this a routine that you follow regularly.
Do things together to facilitate bonding
You can also be the source that unites them. Make time once a month or so to do something together as a family with both your wife and mom.
Involve your children and other extended family members if you want.
This provides a space to nurture bonds as a family generally.
Doing fun things together away from the regular daily stressors is a great way to build these bonds successfully.
It encourages dialogue between your wife and mother on a topic outside of the home environment.
This will also be good for children too. Give them a chance to see the family together doing positive things and getting along well.
Family counseling
If trying to fix things within the home proves fruitless, then you should encourage family counseling.
Your mom and wife need to put their differences aside and realize this for the children’s sake.
Doing so in counseling with a third, mutual party present will allow them to express their feelings in a safe space.
Of course, any discussion on this matter should be done out of earshot of the children for their own protection.
Summary
Overall, this is a tough situation for you in the middle between your mother and wife. However, you are also the key to facilitating healthier relations between them as you are the common link between them.
You can begin this process by trying to understand the reason behind their differences and use this understanding as a means to shape what actions you take.
In addition, you need to allow them to have their own space within the home as well as spending time with them individually away from the other.
You can also help by facilitating binds between them by doing things together as an extended family with the children and other members too. If it is still a matter that can’t be resolved in the home you should encourage them to attend counseling.
May Allah reward your desire to raise a happy household. May He guide you in facilitating healthy changes in your household that will bring happiness and contentment for the whole family in this life and the next.
Amen,
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