I am an 18-year-old girl. About a year ago, I had terrific thoughts and in trying to avoid and control them I led myself to hell. I went to a counselor and was diagnosed with OCD, but I cannot convince myself that I have it because it felt as if I was in pretense.
After a lot of trouble and mistakes, I tried to return to Allah and leave my troubles behind, but I feel unable to. After a lot of hard work, I was progressing well, but these last few days things have been going all wrong.
I find myself unable to relax, and I feel like it’s me who’s triggering the voice in my heart which says all that which I don’t want. This voice questions my belief. I believe in Allah, but this voice keeps making me doubt my belief.
I try to be honest with Allah and pour everything out from the heart, but I keep straying because of this voice which makes me doubt myself. The reality is that there’s nothing in my head or heart. I feel like my heart is sealed and I want to cry but I can’t.
I want to return to Allah. There is something in my heart, which won’t let me be close to Him, and I feel like I am committing kufr and shirk. I can’t feel myself able to do something so it can benefit me on the day of judgment, and I can’t look at something with an appreciation for it as Allah’s creation.
I feel like my imaan is on its last threads and I cannot relax.
I can't relax and do my work. I feel like I'm in the last stages of my iman. I can't appreciate anyone women because something very vulgar and bad comes from the heart which talks bad about Allah. I have tried all the ways.it is like I want to be always sad and be bothered about it. PLEASE suggest something.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
Your concern for the connection itself is a sign of faith, Ma shaa’ Allah.
I would still recommend you visit a good professional and see what they have to say regarding your OCD-type of symptoms.
Know yourself, but also accept yourself as you are and be compassionate.
Sister, sometimes the only reason we are so disconnected from our Lord is that we do not put in the effort to connect.
Indulge in activities every day that help you connect to Allah.
Assalamu Alaikum sister,
I am sorry that you are in such a difficult position. From your post, it seems that you are in a lot of emotional stress and turmoil.
You feel as though you have moved away from Allah SWT and are not able to connect with Him.
While you do believe in Allah SWT, there is a voice in your heart that questions your belief in Him.
You are also constantly questioning yourself if you are doing kufr.
Sister, I just want to reassure you, that you are a strong woman who has a lot of strength and Imaan, and who also has a need to be close to Allah SWT.
In fact, you are already close to Allah SWT than most people, but you are just not able to ”see” the connection.
With time and a little effort, In shaa’ Allah, you will see that you have a very strong, unbreakable bond with Allah SWT, who is our Creator and Sustainer.
While I do not fully know what you have been through or are going through in other aspects of your life, I can say that sometimes we subconsciously create a distance from Allah SWT when we are going through a hardship or are battling with something that sucks every ounce of our energy.
When we are in such a state of bitterness, fear, anger, etc., our mind is exhausted, and we cannot see past the misery.
We may start questioning the presence of Allah SWT (may Allah protect us), while He is there with us all the while, guiding us compassionately out of our misery.
I hope and pray that you can resolve the underlying issues that you may be going through that are making your belief in Allah SWT difficult for you.
In the meantime, here are a few tips that will help you be more compassionate with yourself as well as be more connected to Allah SWT.
Allah Is Closer Than the Jugular Vein
Sister, whether we acknowledge it or not, Allah SWT is closer than our jugular vein and He Knows, Sees and Hears everything.
In the Quran, Allah SWT says,
“And We have already created man and know what his soul whispers to him, and We are closer to him than [his] jugular vein” [50:16]
Even though you question yourself about Allah’s presence, He is still there, and He is aware of the struggle you are going through.
Your concern for the connection itself is a sign of faith, Ma shaa’ Allah.
It is because you are aware and fearful of Allah SWT and his displeasure. In shaa’ Allah, He SWT will not forsake you.
Allah SWT Tests His Believers
In another place in the Quran, Allah SWT says,
“Do people think that they will be let go merely by saying: “We believe,” and that they will not be tested?” [29:2]
Sister, in the Quran, Allah SWT says to his believers that He will test His them in various ways. This life is a test for the Hereafter.
However, Allah SWT is also aware of how much burden a soul can take, and He does not burden anyone more than they can take.
In Surah Al Baqarah, Allah SWT says, “Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear” [2:286]
Accept yourself and be compassionate
Sister, it is important that you not only know yourself, but also accept yourself as you are and be compassionate.
You mentioned that a counselor diagnosed you with OCD. While I do not know whether the diagnosis was right or wrong since I do not know your history, I would still recommend you visit a good professional and see what they have to say.
If an expert says that you might have a mental health condition, accept it as it is, and pursue its treatment.
There is no condition in the world that does not have a treatment.
Therefore, if you are unable to cope on your own, I insist that you seek professional help regarding your symptoms.
Understand the Creation of Allah To Understand Allah SWT
Sister, we often dismiss the fact that the world we live in has been created only by Allah SWT.
If you just notice the minute details of Allah’s creation, your heart will be filled with glory and awe.
Let’s take nature for instance: the vastness of the sky; the rising and setting of the sun and moon; the creation of plants from a mere seed!
It is indeed Allah SWT who is the sole Creator and Sustainer of the universe.
Visit nature and meditate how beautiful the creation of Allah SWT is and you will definitely be able to feel the existence of Allah SWT within His creation.
Find ways to connect with Allah SWT
Sister, sometimes the only reason we are so disconnected from our Lord is that we do not put in the effort to connect. Indulge in activities every day that help you connect to Allah.
Try to pray five times a day, read a page of Quran every day, with translation and transliteration so that you can grasp what Allah SWT is saying to you.
Reading the Quran is one of the most effective ways of connecting to Allah because in the Quran, Allah SWT speaks to us directly through His words.
Additionally, listen to Islamic scholars online through audio lectures and YouTube.
Enhancing your knowledge about Islam, religion, and God also helps you to be more connected in times of stress.
Visit a professional counselor
Sister, from your post there I feel there are several issues which might point out to a history of trauma, abuse and/or neglect.
I could be wrong since I have limited information, however, if any of these are present, I would advise you to go to a professional counselor and explore your inner wounding.
True healing will only come when you have explored the things that make you disconnect or dissociate, in a safe and healing environment.
May Allah SWT be with you, you will be in my prayers.
Salam,
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