as salamu alaykum sister,

Shokran for writing to our live session. I’m so sorry to hear about the difficulties you are experiencing with your husband.  If he is indeed diagnosed by a professional with NPD it can be a very challenging marriage indeed.  As a spouse, you will be without many emotional supports which marriage is supposed to provide. It can be very difficult as you know.  On the other hand, you described him as a good father, he prays and is willing to examine the differences between halal and haram.  He also is “genuine” when it comes to money.  So, he does have a lot of good points going for him.   Nonetheless, the lack of empathy, the need to be the center of attention as well as other features may be overbearing.

I am wondering if your husband is in counseling sister? If he isn’t I would kindly suggest that he gets treatment in order to insha’Allah improve your marriage as well as help him to develop empathy towards others.  NPD is hard to treat.  However according to Psychology Today (1), “mentalization-based therapy, transference-focused psychotherapy, and schema-focused psychotherapy have all been suggested as effective ways of treating narcissistic personality disorder.”

If he refuses to get counseling, I kindly suggest dear sister that you get counseling to help with the stress and emotions that you go through because of him.  Counseling can be a good platform to vent, get feedback, learn helpful coping skills and techniques.  Increase your social interactions.  If you know your husband has NPD, look to others who are close such as family or a close friend, to try to fill that void.  While it is not the same support and empathy you would get from a spouse, it is a support.  Understand that his limitations do not have to become yours.  As you decided to stay in the marriage there are ways to work around his disorder as long as it is not severe.  Psychology Today offers some great tips (2).

You may also wish to join a support group for spouses of people with NPD.  You will be able to share your thoughts and obstacles with others who are in similar situations.  Support groups can provide a safe platform to learn, grow and share experiences.  By sharing with others who are going through the same situations as you, you can be confident that insha’Allah they understand what you are feeling and going through. Insha’Allah this may also be of benefit.  Lastly, make duaa to Allah for healing, ease and mercy sister.  Try to do Islamic things together as a family such as praying together, reading Qur’an, going to the Masjid and attending Islamic events and functions.  The closer we are to Allah as individuals and as a family unit, the more tolerable things become.  We wish you the best, you are in our prayers.

1.https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder

2.https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-couch/201711/in-love-narcissist-6-ways-make-it-work