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Youth Challenges (Counseling Session)

Hannah Morris
04 April, 2017

Dear Brother/Sisters,

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If you have any question you have never dared to ask, related to mental health, relationships, marriage, or parenting, feel free to send it to [email protected]

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Thursday, Apr. 06, 2017 | 11:30 - 13:30 GMT

Session is over.
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As-Salamu Alaikom. I am in a difficult situation and I need help. I was in a relationship with a guy for a while. He was not settled yet, thus we planned to marry after he finds a good job. Finally, he found one and I talked to my parents about him. They agreed to meet him. But after my sister got married, everything went bad. My parents asked a person to check the status of the guy’s family, and my parents are not satisfied with the result. They are looking for a guy who is rich and educated. I don’t know what to do. I don't want to hurt anybody.



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam wa Rahmatulahi wa Barakatuh sister,

This, indeed, sounds like a difficult situation: you found a man you would like to marry, yet your family does not support your decision due to what they found out about his background after meeting him. This leaves you in a situation where you feel that whatever choice you make you will hurt someone. Whilst you could go ahead and marry him without their blessings, it certainly would make things difficult.

There are some things you should consider when making your decision. Firstly, you were engaged in a relationship with this man outside of marriage which is not acceptable in Islam. Therefore, you should begin by turning to Allah (swt) in repentance for this. This is what now places you in a difficult situation: you now have strong feelings for him and, therefore, run the risk of hurting his feelings (and your own) should you not pursue this marriage. However, given that the relationship was built in a haram way, there is also a risk of hurt further down the line.

That said, the past is done now and there is nothing you can do to change that, except learn a lesson and avoid anything as much as possible that will lead to haram. If you choose to go ahead with the marriage, then it would be ideal if your family were happy with this too. In this case, you could remind your family that the most important quality in a man is not that of finances or education, but his state of faith and his character. Let them see that these are traits he does possess and will be better for a healthy, loving marriage than that of money and education, and that is what will make you happy. It may be that you organize another meeting with his family present and ask them to keep these more important factors in mind. If they still don’t accept him and wish you to marry someone else and you agree, then know that there are many other good men out there.

If they still don’t change their mind and you still feel like you want to marry him, and you still fear to hurt someone should you chose to go ahead with it, then you need to sit down and think about your options carefully before making the next move. It may be that you get a pen and paper to be clearer and be able to visually see your options and their pros and cons. Write your options down and write the pros and cons of each. Then, keeping in mind what is most important to you and what Allah (swt) would be most pleased with, use this to decide which would be the best option to take.

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Most importantly, amongst all this, make istikhara and ask Allah (swt) to guide you to make the best choice. This way, Allah (swt) will either make it easy for this marriage to happen or will make it easy for you to abandon the idea. You can be content that whatever happens will be the best for you and the most pleasing to Allah (swt).

May Allah (swt) guide you through this difficult choice and grant you a spouse that will bring you happiness and contentment in this life and the next.

I am in my 20s and I cannot stop myself from imagining I am in a different scenario and talking to people who aren’t there. Every day and sometimes before I sleep or when I drive, I am always making up scenarios and characters in my head and live in them. I have these characters, mostly famous people, I have made up with their own image and I have a character I have made for myself and now I just automatically slip into this character and talk to the people I have made up without even realizing I’m doing it. Sometimes, I imagine I have a conversation with a friend and after that, I behave with this friend according to my imagination. I have tried to stop myself from doing this before, but I couldn’t even do it for a day because I just automatically do it. It may because I had a lonely childhood. But, now, I need to solve this I feel. I just do not know how. I used to not be bothered about doing this but now it is such a big part of my life and I can’t stop it I am worried if it ever will. I want to be able to live my life just being myself and not pretending I’m someone else or talking to people who aren’t there. I am wondering what exactly makes me do this. Please help!



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum,

Well done for reaching out for assistance with this problem you are having now. Reaching out for help in such situations can be very difficult, but the fact that you have taken the first step in trying to overcome this is a good sign. It’s a sign that you are willing to try and overcome this difficulty.

If you feel that you are genuinely hearing the voices of others and seeing others who are not actually there, then this is a more serious problem that I would recommend you get some more local assistant from a psychiatrist for. However, you describe in such a way that implies that these are people you just make up in your head, but you are not actually seeing them or hearing any voices. In this case, there are other things you can try to overcome this. If it begins to have any impact on your life and disturb your deen, work, study, or relations with anyone in any way, then it is more cause for concern.

Firstly, understand that since it seems that this is something you have been doing for such a long time, it will be something that might take a while to reverse. You will, therefore, need to be patient with it and keep working at it. If it has been going on for a long time, then it has likely become a habit, and habits are difficult to break free from. But be reassured that it is possible, so have hope.

It could, indeed, be a result of that which you suggest – a lonely childhood. As a result, you have created an imaginary world to fill in this gap in order to have social relations in some way, in this case, in your mind. Therefore, the way to overcome this is to become more socially active in order that you develop real friendships and have real people to speak to rather than those in your head. 

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If you have little experience of being with others, then you might find this difficult at first so you might begin by joining a club that does something you enjoy. So, as a start, the people you are around are those with similar interests. This will make conversation easier as well as keep you busy in meaningful activities so that you simply won’t have the time to be making up scenarios in your head. This will help you to snap out of your habit, even if only for a temporary moment.

Reinforce this regularly by keeping up with this new hobby. Being with others will assist you in gradually breaking free from your imaginary world. By not allowing this imaginary world of yours to play such a big part in your life, you will eventually not feel the need to turn to it as you become more engaged in more meaningful activities. Eventually, in time, as you begin to open up and make more friends, more opportunities will open in your life and you will be more willing to engage as you become more experienced at being with others and leaving your imaginary world. As you experience the benefits of being with others you will feel less need to even be in your imaginary world as you gain more pleasure form what is happening in real life.

It may also be that your lack of confidence in yourself makes you do this. Creating n imaginary world allows you to become someone else. Mixing with others through a hobby as I suggest will eventually bring you more confidence in yourself as you make good friends and achieve positive things. You no longer have to slip into an imaginary character of yourself as you become more confident and happy with who you are.

May Allah (swt) make it easy for you to break free from this cycle and bring happiness and contentment into your life.

I'm a revert Muslim and since reverting, I've been disappointed at times by Middle Eastern people. A few, not many but enough, made a strong impression and it continues to happen. They have become like some of the disobedient People of the Book who think their language and race is superior. It breaks my heart when I greet a Muslimah and get ignored or say As-Salamu Alaikom to a person and s/he doesn’t smile as s/he responds. Out of ignorance, one woman when I happily told her I'm Muslim, she said "you’re not a Muslim". I said yes, I am. But I try not to generalize. In sha’Allah they will repent before it's too late. What to do in such situations?



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum,

Alhamdulillah, Allah has guided you to the correct path, but unfortunately, you seem to be having a bad experience with some people in the Middle East. This is a big test when people from within the religion you have joined seem to be very unwelcoming. Your challenge does not allow this to get to you or push you away from the straight path. So, for a start, you can simply view it as a test – a chance to show your firm belief in Allah (swt) and not allow the words of others to push you to show otherwise. This will allow Allah (swt) to see that you are strong and firm in faith and, in sha Allah, will reward you for this. We are all tested in numerous ways that may take us away from our deen, but we can always use them as a chance to prove our love for Allah (swt).

Also remember, like you say, not to generalise based on the actions of some. There are people who don’t behave nicely towards you, but there are also those who are good and honest people.

Many non-Muslim also judge Muslims based on the actions of a few and unfortunately, this has an impact on the entire ummah. Therefore, we have to be careful not to enter into the same kind of actions as well. I think it’s clear that you realise this, but just continue to remind yourself in order that you don’t end up having this view of all Middle Eastern people.
However, this doesn’t take away the fact that the actions of a few are having an impact on you. Alhamdulillah, your attitude that they will repent is a good positive attitude to have; it will help you to manage such a difficult situation. Additionally, you can follow the instructions of Allah (swt) and repel their bad actions with that which is better. So, at the very least, returning their comments with silence is better than saying anything bad back. Do not let their comments get to you or tempt you to say bad words back. Instead, respond with kindness and pray for them. This can be very difficult but will make you feel a lot better. You can be sure that you won’t move forward with any feelings of regret for saying anything bad. You can feel confident that your kind response in return is most pleasing to Allah (

This can be very difficult but will make you feel a lot better. You can be sure that you won’t move forward with any feelings of regret for saying anything bad. You can feel confident that your kind response in return is most pleasing to Allah (swt). So when you hear any negative comment, remember Allah (swt). In return, this will make it easier to return any action or comment in a way that is most pleasing to Allah (swt). Therefore, whatever comments they send your way, you can feel content that Allah (swt) is pleased regardless of their behaviour.

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May Allah (swt) bring you comfort and ease during this difficult time and reward your patience and perseverance for His sake.

I am a 21 old girl. I am currently in my third year at university and it’s taking a huge toll on my mental health, so much so that I have contemplated dropping out. I currently live very far from home and I have been homesick. However, my homesickness has nothing to do with missing my family and friends (not particularly), I just miss not being in university, it’s incredibly stressful; I have a part-time job which causes me extreme anxiety. I have obsessive thoughts every single day, about my job, about my weight, my friends, my studies in university. Sometimes it gets too overwhelming. I self-harm at least once a week and take great pleasure in it. I have thought about killing myself several times, sometimes it’s really overwhelming, I go through phases where I don’t see the purpose in life anymore and it really scares me. I am seeing a therapist but she is not very helpful at all, but I am too anxious to tell her I don’t want to see her anymore. What to do?



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,

You are juggling a lot of responsibilities right now and, therefore, it is understandable why you feel so stressed. It has an impact on your mental health.

One of the first and most simple things you can do to overcome this is to ensure you manage your time effectively. With many things to juggle at once, it is easy to feel overwhelmed and anxious about everything and feel like dropping out, as you do. However, if you manage your time well, everything will seem a lot less overwhelming.

You might begin by creating a schedule, writing it down, and putting it somewhere you can see. Write down everything you have to do in the day and what you hope to achieve. Don’t forget to include in this some time for yourself, even if it is just 10 minutes to take a break from it all. You can do this the night before so you already have the plan in mind from the moment you start your day. It is also a way to visually see what you are achieving which can be incredibly satisfying and motivating.

Self-harm is often seen as a way of gaining control when you feel you have little control. Time management and taking a proactive approach toward your work, your studies, and life will help to inject a bit of control into your life. It may make self-harm less desirable, in sha‘ Allah.

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When you are writing this plan, you could also take a couple of minutes to write down three positive things that happened in your day so you finish the day on a good note. This will also work to boost your mood and remind you of the good things in your life that you can be grateful for.

Alhamdulilah, you are seeing a therapist which I would have suggested any way in your situation due to your suicidal thoughts and self-harm. However, unfortunately, you don’t feel that you have been experiencing any benefit from this. You could simply tell your therapist this as it will not be of any benefit to you or her. In fact, it can be harmful to continue when you are not getting the benefits from attending.

Sometimes therapists and their clients just don’t match and this is ok; it happens. As a therapist, she should understand this too and may have even been through a similar situation before. She will be able to refer you to someone else who will be a better match for you, in sha‘ Allah. As a therapist, she will know this and know that is not in either of your best interests to continue together, except if there is a way you can resolve any issues.

It is highly recommended that you continue with this therapy, with someone else if your current therapist is not benefitting you to overcome the more intense feelings of suicide and self-harm that you have been experiencing. Therapy provides a longer term solution to your current situation.

Aside from this, ensure to keep up your five daily prayers and Islamic obligations to bring yourself some comfort in your current distressful situation. This also gives you the opportunity to step away from work and studies, both mentally and physically, and reconnect with what is most important, providing you with at least five opportunities a day, Alhamdulillah. Use these times as opportunities to ask Allah (swt) to guide you through these difficulties. This can also be a big support to improving your mental health, too.

May Allah (swt) guide you and bring you ease. May you find comfort in His remembrance.

I have been struggling with my sexuality for a long time. I think I am lesbian. One of the girls at the university has been quite nice to me and I feel I have developed feelings for her. I have never had sex or done anything bad and actually, the idea of having sex with someone scares me. It’s not that I don’t have a sexual drive, I am just incredibly anxious about sharing my body with somebody else. I feel so confused. I just do not feel attracted to guys. I am really scared as my parents already started mentioning marriage as I will inshallah graduate after a year. What do you advise me?



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,

It is common for both men and women in their early years of adulthood to experience some kind of uncertainty about their sexuality. It is easy to mistake feelings of love towards another female as those that are more intimate in nature. It is also easy to mistake others’ kindness towards us as meaning more than what is actually intended. It can be quite difficult to distinguish between feelings of romantic love and those of a close friendship, so it is understandable if you perceive your strong feelings towards her as a desire to be more than just friends with her.

However, if the feelings you have towards another woman are genuinely beyond that of those you might hold towards a close friend or family member, and you find yourself desiring more than just friendship with her, then this is more of a problem. Obviously, as we know Islamically, intimate and romantic relations between two members of the same sex is forbidden, with one of the reasons being that it makes it impossible to have children. As a result, in this case, getting married as your parents are suggesting would be a good way to ensure that the feelings you have are channelled more appropriately to a man.

The prospect of marriage is a frightening one for many reasons, including what you state here – the fear of sharing your body with someone. This is a good and modest quality to have and one that is well respected. There is nothing wrong with feeling this way. Indeed, we should be careful about who we share our bodies with, and that is why we are encouraged to dress the way we do in order to keep our modesty and not expose our bodies to everyone. Naturally, having been covered this way, you might be reluctant to expose yourself to anyone, even if it is your spouse.

Marriage comes with many changes and responsibilities, therefore, it is a daunting prospect to many. It may well be that the fear of change prevents you from having a desire towards men because if you do desire marriage, you will be subjecting yourself to this change that you fear. This may also be another explanation as to why you might be thinking you have feelings for this woman – because you know that you can’t marry her and, therefore, will not have to subject yourself to get married and face the changes that will come with it. These are some possible explanations as to why you might be feeling the way you are, but there are ways to get through it, in sha‘ Allah.

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You can overcome this fear by taking it back to Allah (swt) and remembering why He (swt) encourages us to get married – for our own protection against sin, to have comfort, to share our lives with someone, and to have our physical and emotional needs met in a way that is most pleasing to Allah (swt).

Your parents are obviously more experienced in regards to marriage and, therefore, are aware of the sweetness of it that you haven’t experienced yet. You can trust that they have your best interests at heart. This is a good thing because it means they are interested in ensuring you marry the best person and will help you to do so. You can feel comforted that you have their support. As you attend marriage meetings and have the chance to interact with a man, or men, you might find that you have this opportunity to develop feelings for a man in a way that you didn’t experience before simply because you were not exposed to the opportunity.

Ask Allah (swt) to guide you and find comfort in remembering that He, The Most Wise, has encouraged marriage for a very good reason.

May Allah (swt) guide you on the straight path and make it easy for you to overcome your anxieties. May He (swt) grant you a spouse that will bring you ease and happiness.