As Salamu ‘Alaykum brother,

Thank you for writing to us with your most important concern. Thank you for your kind words and wishes for our staff and website, may Allah reward you. Sadly and horrifically it is estimated that 120 million girls worldwide have experience sexual violence/abuse. I am sorry that your fiancee had to go through this, truly. I can imagine that for you as a man who cares about her, knowing that she has been violated and abused hurts you very much. May Allah bless you for supporting her, showing understanding and concern as well as wanting to protect her. As a woman, I appreciate the fact that you acknowledge that it was not her fault, that she was a victim, and that you still think highly of her after she told you. This is so important especially in this misogynist world that we live in wherein women are degraded, blamed, not believed or shunned for being victims/survivors of sexual assault/abuse.

With that said, as she is still being harassed and threatened and she may feel the continued attempted contacts as a threat, I would encourage her to contact the authorities to report this person. While I am not sure where you both live, please look up the proper resources for her safety and confidentiality should she decide to do this. Please do let this be her decision. Ask her how you can help and let the decisions be hers to make. Just be supportive of her choices. She needs to feel and be empowered at this time. I know this may be hard for you, I understand and appreciate that, but this is her healing path.

While you did not state if she received counseling after the abuse, please do ask her if she is open to receiving medical and/or counseling care. RAINN suggests that even if the abuse/assault happened awhile ago, it is always helpful to ask and offer support such as accompanying her or looking for information where she can get help. There are also other things you can do that may assist her which include “reminding her that you are there for her, that you do not blame her, and you realize she is a victim and you do not think less of her; expressing empathy such as “this must be really tough for you; I’m so glad your sharing this with me” helps build trust and communicate empathy.

RAINN also suggests that victims/survivors of sexual assault/abuse may blame themselves and/or feel alone. Remind her from time to time as appropriate that it is not her fault and that she is not alone “Remind the survivor that you are there for them and willing to listen to their story. Remind them there are other people in their life who care and that there are service providers who will be able to support them as they recover from the experience”.

As she confided in you, it means she trusts you, brother. Please do reassure her that you will not break her trust by telling others, and don’t. That means family, friends and so forth. She has disclosed a horrific experience to you, reassure her that you can be trusted and will respect her privacy and will not discuss her experience with anyone unless she gives you permission. This is vital as she has been violated and dominated by sexual assault/abuse, she may feel a loss of control. As she trusted you by telling you, do let her know that the control of this information is in her power. Let her open up at her own pace.

Brother, please do educate yourself on sexual assault/abuse. There are many good resources online which can give you greater insight into this crime against women. It will help you to understand the possible psychological effects, the power dynamics involved in violence against women as well as the sociological-cultural underpinnings of this violence. You stated that you felt a great deal of pain “by sitting around doing nothing”. This is not true. You are doing A LOT. You are being supportive and caring, you are empathetic, you are showing her that you can be trusted; you are empowering and respecting her in the decision-making process; you are assuring her that it was not her fault, you are making sure she knows she is still valuable, cherish and not diminished in your eyes. These actions and feelings brother are the most important things you can do.

When you begin to feel angry or upset, understand it is a natural response when someone we care about has been assaulted/abused. Try to refocus your thoughts on helping her through the healing process if she is willing. Try to remember that the anger and rage you feel is nothing compared to how she may feel, therefore she may need you to be in a space where you can just listen, or provide help when she asks. In other words, be the calm that she needs right now. If you feel you need someone to talk to, please do see a counselor. Even though you are not married yet, often times family members, even close friends may seek to counsel in order to deal with their feelings as well, there is nothing wrong with that, but remember-confidentiality-don’t mention her name. While counselors are bound to confidentiality, your first concern is your promise to her to keep her information confidential. However, brother, you seem to be very grounded and I am sure you will get through this as well as help your fiancee in her journey of healing. Congratulations, may Allah bless you both with a wonderful and happy marriage. We wish you and your fiancee the best, you are in our prayers.

Salam,