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Young Love (Counseling Session)

Aisha Mohammad
04 May, 2017

Dear Brother/Sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister ِAisha Mohamed Swan, for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the answers to the questions below.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

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[email protected]

Thursday, May. 04, 2017 | 07:00 - 09:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

First of all, I want to say that I deeply respect you and all that you are doing for the umma and Islam at large. Your website is a wonderful source of useful information and I make dua that inshallah all the people working on this website get the reward they deserve in this life and the next. Recently, I came across a situation that I did not know how to handle. I know of a woman to whom I wish to get married inshallah. Her manner is very good and she is working hard towards her deen mashallah as she was not raised in a Muslim family. I made salat al istikhara several times and I believe the signs have been positive as everything seems to be facilitated and I have a good feeling about this future marriage. However, she recently told me that she was sexually abused by some other man some time before we met and got to know each other. This man continued harassing her through messages, and some other men started to do that as well. He has tried to assault her on another occasion, but she was able to brush him off. To this day, he still tries to talk to her. She is very disturbed by the pain this man has inflicted her and she sometimes blames herself for everything that happened. This story made me so angry at that man that I was obsessed with this for some time and all I could think off was to somehow get revenge for what he has done to her. I still truly believe this woman is a good woman, and it has not changed how I feel about our future marriage. However, I don't know how to deal with this situation. I want to protect her, but at the same time, I don't want to get violent as I feel my emotions could get the better of me. I have thought of going to that man to talk to him, to threaten him or perhaps go to the police so all of this would stop. I truly don't know what to do with this as I just want to do what is right, but I feel a great amount of pain by sitting and doing nothing or when I think of what this man did to her. Can you please help me as I am lost concerning this matter.



As Salamu ‘Alaykum brother,

Thank you for writing to us with your most important concern. Thank you for your kind words and wishes for our staff and website, may Allah reward you. Sadly and horrifically it is estimated that 120 million girls worldwide have experience sexual violence/abuse. I am sorry that your fiancee had to go through this, truly. I can imagine that for you as a man who cares about her, knowing that she has been violated and abused hurts you very much. May Allah bless you for supporting her, showing understanding and concern as well as wanting to protect her. As a woman, I appreciate the fact that you acknowledge that it was not her fault, that she was a victim, and that you still think highly of her after she told you. This is so important especially in this misogynist world that we live in wherein women are degraded, blamed, not believed or shunned for being victims/survivors of sexual assault/abuse.

With that said, as she is still being harassed and threatened and she may feel the continued attempted contacts as a threat, I would encourage her to contact the authorities to report this person. While I am not sure where you both live, please look up the proper resources for her safety and confidentiality should she decide to do this. Please do let this be her decision. Ask her how you can help and let the decisions be hers to make. Just be supportive of her choices. She needs to feel and be empowered at this time. I know this may be hard for you, I understand and appreciate that, but this is her healing path.

While you did not state if she received counseling after the abuse, please do ask her if she is open to receiving medical and/or counseling care. RAINN suggests that even if the abuse/assault happened awhile ago, it is always helpful to ask and offer support such as accompanying her or looking for information where she can get help. There are also other things you can do that may assist her which include “reminding her that you are there for her, that you do not blame her, and you realize she is a victim and you do not think less of her; expressing empathy such as “this must be really tough for you; I’m so glad your sharing this with me” helps build trust and communicate empathy.

RAINN also suggests that victims/survivors of sexual assault/abuse may blame themselves and/or feel alone. Remind her from time to time as appropriate that it is not her fault and that she is not alone “Remind the survivor that you are there for them and willing to listen to their story. Remind them there are other people in their life who care and that there are service providers who will be able to support them as they recover from the experience”.

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As she confided in you, it means she trusts you, brother. Please do reassure her that you will not break her trust by telling others, and don’t. That means family, friends and so forth. She has disclosed a horrific experience to you, reassure her that you can be trusted and will respect her privacy and will not discuss her experience with anyone unless she gives you permission. This is vital as she has been violated and dominated by sexual assault/abuse, she may feel a loss of control. As she trusted you by telling you, do let her know that the control of this information is in her power. Let her open up at her own pace.

Brother, please do educate yourself on sexual assault/abuse. There are many good resources online which can give you greater insight into this crime against women. It will help you to understand the possible psychological effects, the power dynamics involved in violence against women as well as the sociological-cultural underpinnings of this violence. You stated that you felt a great deal of pain “by sitting around doing nothing”. This is not true. You are doing A LOT. You are being supportive and caring, you are empathetic, you are showing her that you can be trusted; you are empowering and respecting her in the decision-making process; you are assuring her that it was not her fault, you are making sure she knows she is still valuable, cherish and not diminished in your eyes. These actions and feelings brother are the most important things you can do.

When you begin to feel angry or upset, understand it is a natural response when someone we care about has been assaulted/abused. Try to refocus your thoughts on helping her through the healing process if she is willing. Try to remember that the anger and rage you feel is nothing compared to how she may feel, therefore she may need you to be in a space where you can just listen, or provide help when she asks. In other words, be the calm that she needs right now. If you feel you need someone to talk to, please do see a counselor. Even though you are not married yet, often times family members, even close friends may seek to counsel in order to deal with their feelings as well, there is nothing wrong with that, but remember-confidentiality-don’t mention her name. While counselors are bound to confidentiality, your first concern is your promise to her to keep her information confidential. However, brother, you seem to be very grounded and I am sure you will get through this as well as help your fiancee in her journey of healing. Congratulations, may Allah bless you both with a wonderful and happy marriage. We wish you and your fiancee the best, you are in our prayers.

Salam,

Hello, sir/mam. I have a question related to panic attack disorder by jinn as last year when I was doing post graduation studies. I suffered from extreme fear without any reason and panic attack. dreams of filth and dirt placed on the road side. And I guess that was due to some black magic is done on me out of jealousy by my relatives as my parents refused their marriage proposal for me. And now I can't live happily and don't know how I will survive now with this mental illness. As am not feeling well as I was earlier. I think my brain is not active more now as was earlier. And I am loosing interest in my daily routine activities. Even I tried everything like Ruqya and reading and listening to Quran which helped little and after that, I have also tried antidepressants medicine which has side effects which made my condition worse. My family doesn't understand me as they think I am normal which am not. Please reply your comments how I can live and face the world in this condition. Thanx



As-Salamu ‘Alaykum sister,

Thank you for writing us. I am sorry to hear that you have been experiencing panic attacks. Panic attacks and anxiety affect millions worldwide and it can be quite debilitating. Some people get attacks so bad and for so long that they become agoraphobic and end up not leaving their home for years. While I cannot say if this is from black magic or not as you did not provide enough information, I will address this for what it may be, despite its etiology. According to the ADAA,  panic and “anxiety disorders are the most commonly diagnosed mental health problems on campus.” College in itself is stressful and often times those predisposed to panic/anxiety disorders experience their first attack in their late teens, early to mid-twenties. This is a time wherein young people often come under great pressure to perform in school and work a job at the same time. Some often leave families and go off to new places to study thus setting up the scenario for a decrease in healthy living behaviors such as sleep patterns, eating habits, and so on. With the additional stress and an often less than healthy lifestyle,  panic/anxiety disorders can develop.

Based on your description and symptoms sister it does sound like anxiety or panic attacks. Additionally, as you stated it was panic attacks, I am wondering if you were diagnosed by a therapist and if you are participating in treatment. If you are perhaps the treatment is not effective and you either need a different mode of therapy, medication or both. You stated you used to be on antidepressants and that did not help the panic, are you also depressed? Some doctors do prescribe certain classes of antidepressants for panic attacks but they do not work for everyone. You may have to ask your doctor to try something else as well as ensure that the counseling/therapy you are getting includes Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) which has high rates of success with \panic and anxiety disorders.

Insha’Allah, ask your counselor if there are any support groups for panic/anxiety disorder. These groups can provide valuable resources for coping with and overcoming panic/anxiety disorder. You will insha’Allah learn techniques and skills to reduce or thwart off a panic attack from others there who experience the same thing. Support groups are important as they also provide a platform to discuss what one is going through with others who are experiencing similar symptoms. You may also meet people who have overcome panic/anxiety disorders and teach others how to as well.

Also getting into a daily routine of stress reduction practices such as progressive muscle relaxation, deep breathing, walking/exercise, among other techniques will help insha’Allah.  When the feelings of fear and panic start to come, some find it helpful to just flow with it, rather than get more anxious and fearful. This is when deep breathing, doing dkhir and reading Qur’an help. Sister, also ensures insha’Allah that you are eating good, healthy foods, drinking good water, and resting at night. All of these things affect our whole bodily systems which include the mind-body-spirit. To nourish your spirit and heart sister stay close to Allah.  Insha’allah do dzhkir, keep your prayers, read and recite Qur’an, go to the Masjid for prayer as well as for fostering friendship with your sisters there. Our sisters are a valuable source of love and support and joy.

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Sister, insha’Allah, I kindly advise that you get counseling, attend support groups, engage in some of the suggestions I outlined above as well as draw closer to Allah as Allah is our ultimate healer. I am confident once you begin making these steps in your life, insha’Allah the panic/anxiety will begin to subside and you will be feeling good again. You are not alone sister, many suffer from panic and anxiety, often in silence.

You are in our prayers.

Salam. I am hurt by a brother (whom I know) who made an agreement/promise with me, but he broke it thinking it was beneficial for me, didn't speak to me for some months and even now. I am aware that there are two groups of scholars who has different opinions on fulfilling an agreement. The majority of jurist say that it is recommended, while the other group of scholars says it is obligatory. However, when he broke the agreement, I began to get sick per month. Each month, I will have at least one sickness, but now I have suffered from an illness (a cold) for about the past three months. The brother is aware of my situation (not about the three months part), but the only thing he is doing is reading my messages (I haven't contacted him for a while). However, even though he hasn't communicated with me for months, there was a month where he spoke to me for three days. During those three days, he was being very rude and cruel to me. He was trying to solve our problem within those three days by acting like a young kid! After that, I received injuries, and the next following month I began to suffer from the cold that is still present today. The hurt of the action that he did towards me is affecting my heart. It comes and goes. The hurt effects the right side of my top private part (I don't want to type it) near my chest. I have aches, headaches, and constipation. When I'm speaking to others (mainly to my family), I have a tendency to use my voice at them, while inside my heart it does not feel any remorse, because it is very hurt and my body is very worn out and tired. Every day, I am suffering from these symptoms. I have a personal counselor, Alhamdulillah. However, she is not being very effective, does not often use Islamic Psychology, nor does it seem that she would like me to keep discussing this brother. In fact, I have not spoken to her regarding him for the past four months and other updates in relation to me. I am reaching out to the counseling section because I would like a counselor to give me tips/strategies on how should I overcome this situation from the Islamic point of views.



As-Salamu ‘Alaykum sister,

Thank you for writing us. I am sorry to hear about the brother who broke his promise/agreement to you.  I am not sure what this promise or agreement was as you did not say. What you have said is that he no longer really communicates with you and when he does he is rude and cruel to you. From that standpoint alone, sister, whatever promise/agreement he broke may be a mercy from Allah as you do not want to deal with one who is rude and cruel, do you?

Often times we may think a thing is good for us when in fact it is not and Allah knows best. As I do not know if this agreement/promise was in regards to a job, marriage, helping you with something whatever it was it was, may not have been decreed by Allah to happen, perhaps to save you from further pain or worse. Sister, Allah will often send us certain signs if something is good or bad for us if we pay attention and take heed. Often times we may see the signs but because of our own wants and desires, we ignore them and continually try to pry open the shut door until we either “wake up” or get hurt.

In your case, it seems that by trying to get this man to keep his promise/agreement it is causing you great harm. You seem stressed out, anxious, constantly preoccupied with this situation and possibly depressed. Your symptoms of “things affecting your heart, chest pain, bodily aches, headaches, constipation, fatigue, injuries, illnesses all point to a stressed out system encompassing your body, mind, and spirit leading to anxiety, depression, and a lowered immune response causing a higher risk of getting flu’s and colds. This is not what he did to you sister, this is what you are doing to yourself by your chosen response to his breaking the promise/agreement. Please sister, do evaluate the following and make a daily journal of your activity. How often do you eat healthy, nutritious foods, drink water, exercise? Are you doing things to reduce your stress such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, drinking tea, walking, and so forth? How often do you do enjoyable things with friends or family? More importantly, are you nourishing your relationship with Allah by keeping your prayers, going to Him in prayer when you are troubled, dzhkir, reading Qur’an and seeking His comfort and guidance?

Sister, all these things and more, help create a more healthy mind-body-spiritual connection. Allah created us, thus He commands that we take care of each aspect of our being. This man did not cause the illnesses and negative feelings to happen, you chose to not heal from the hurt and disappointment thus leading to the state you are currently in. I am not trying to sound harsh sister but I know that in sha’ Allah you are a pious, beautiful, intelligent sister who is stronger than this. You have the ability through Allah (and a good therapist) to change your life around. This man and this broken promise/agreement is in the past and probably for a good reason. Let it go. You cannot force someone to do something nor should you want to, especially as he is rude, cruel and cut off communication. Let him go and live.

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You stated you are going to a counselor. You did not mention your diagnoses nor for how long you have been seeing her and that is an important factor relating to what you are going through. You also stated she was not effective. This is evident through what you have written, though I am not sure how compliant you are with the treatment plan. Please do find another counselor who may take a different approach to treatment.

Additionally,  please do make extra efforts to put this situation behind you. Whatever it was, is gone.  Trust in Allah that it is for the best. I am not an Islamic Scholar nor do I know what the promise/agreement is about so I cannot give a full answer but based on what you have written, I hope that insha’Allah this has helped some. If you desire a more Islamically based response concerning agreements/promises please do write our “Ask the Scholars” section with a more detailed question outlining the specific promise/agreement so they can know the specifics of the situation. Right now I am concerned with your physical and mental health as I have advised you regarding your presentation.  Please know that despite this disappointment, you are loved. Your family and friends love you, your sisters in Islam love and care for you and Allah loves you. You are in our prayers, please let us know how you are doing.

Salam,

Salamu alaykum warahmatullah. Please, I am in a relationship with a decent brother. Islamically inclined, that was the one thing that attracted me to him. We are hoping to get married but he hasn't really settled down, but we are already deeply in love and now we got a chance to kiss once, but it wasn't a mistake. It was planned. But we promised to never to have sex. Now, I am thinking I have made the wrong choice, but he's not feeling remorseful that we kissed and he hope to do it again because he said he loves me. I am just confused. Should I still consider being with him? Is it right to kiss somebody? I know he loves me. Please, a piece of advice for me. Thank you.



As salamu ‘Alaykum sister,

Thank you for writing to us with your most important question. You discussed a brother whom you are interested in and stated he is interested in you as well and that you are both “deeply in love”. I am not sure to what extent this relationship is truly a relationship as some feel they have a relationship if they talk on the phone once in awhile, or if they meet in public with guardians to get to know one another, or if they have only met once and agreed to be in a “relationship” which means getting to know one another in a halal way for purposes of marriage.

Others would state that a relationship is one in which two people see each other on a regular basis, do things together alone as well as with others, and generally consider themselves a couple with no restraints. As you know sister, in Islam this is haram. While it does not sound like this is what is happening here, it does sound like you both have crossed some very serious boundaries as you both did plan a kiss and followed through with it. I would kindly suggest sister that you refrain from further behaviors such as this, stop being alone with this man (if this is the case) and ask for Allah’s forgiveness. While we all sin and make mistakes as we are human, what makes us a conscious Muslim who strives to please Allah is our regret and sorrow when we have fallen short or committed a sin. We then are driven with guilt and pain and seek Allah’s forgiveness.

You expressed concern that this man does not feel remorse for the kiss at all, in fact, he wants more! Why, because he states he loves you? Any man (and a lot do) can say they love you to try to entice you into behaviors that are haram.  In reality, it may be true to an extent; however, when you love someone you do not encourage them to go against Allah nor do you proclaim your love and not initiated marriage.

Sister, I would kindly suggest that you follow your concerns about him not being remorseful for the kiss.  If he truly loved you and was truly seeking to please Allah (and not his desires), he would have expressed remorse, set things on the right track such as not being alone with you anymore, by asking to speak with your parents in regards to marriage and explaining to you that what happened was haram and cannot happen again. But he didn’t.

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Dearest sister, the issue here is that he “hasn’t really settled down” as you stated. This is a key factor when wondering if this is “love” or not; if this a serious proposal for marriage or not. While yes we all fall short, we all slip up from time to time and we all sin, we usually are grounded enough to repent and get back on the right track. It does not seem that he has this ability yet. I would kindly suggest that you stop seeing him, stop communicating with him and seek out a brother who is truly settled and serious about finding a pious, grounded wife to marry. It appears sister (and Allah forgive me if I am wrong) that this man is seeking his own desires at this time and not those of his Lord and certainly not yours. Your desires reside within pleasing Allah. I am confident that you are an intelligent, beautiful and pious young lady and will find someone who treats you with the respect and dignity you deserve, and will not cause you to feel confused or wondering if it is love or lust. In sha‘ Allah, sister, seek a man who wants to marry you for the sake of Allah and because he sees things admirable in you that will make for a compatible wife, not one who is not settled and certainly not one who leads you knowingly into haram acts. You are in our prayers sister.

Please let us know how you are doing.

 

I've been in deep love with one of my cousins, he too loves me a lot! Since my childhood, he has been my best friend due to similar age groups, he being a year younger! But since we wanted to make everything halaal, we decided to wait till our marriage age comes. I shared this with my mom and she refused and told me to forget him and even his mom showed disapproval! But the problem is we've been in love for quite a long time and it seems almost impossible to forget each other, but we also love our parents! Honestly speaking I've tried forgetting him several times. I've also stopped talking to him, even though now he lives in some other country, I literally cannot stop thinking about him almost every day in spite of trying my best not to! Please guide me! What should I do? Should I try to forget him! If yes, then how!? And what if I fail, it might ruin my future if I get married to someone else! I am just fed up of all this! I desperately want a solution!



As-Salamu ‘Alaykum sister,

Thank you for writing to us. Congratulations on finding a compatible life partner!  It seems that you both know each other very well as best friends since childhood.  I am sorry to hear that both of your parents have disapproved of the marriage. I am very happy to hear however that you both held back from doing anything haram and decided to wait until you both got older so you could marry and enjoy the benefits which marriage brings. That in itself is a great accomplishment and may Allah reward you both for being patient and waiting. Also, this decision to wait illustrates maturity, love for Allah’s commands, and a desire to please Allah.

While I do not know any details about your cousin or you as to why either of your parents would object, I would kindly suggest dear sister that you sit with your parents and find out their reasons. Your cousin should do the same. While we like to please our parents, dear sister, as long as you both are of age, of sound mind and Islamically grounded, there should be no reason why you cannot marry. In the Qur’an it states,

“And marry the unmarried among you and the righteous among your male slaves and female slaves. If they should be poor, Allah will enrich them from His bounty, and Allah is all-Encompassing and Knowing”.  (24:32)

As we can see, Allah encourages us to marry and as long as the requirements are met there is no reason to forbid a potential marriage. In fact, by forbidding a marriage that is halal and forcing you (or your cousin to marry someone else), the parents could be accountable to Allah on the day of judgment. Allah made it very clear as did the Prophet Mohammad (saw) that is it important to get the parents’/guardian’s approval and blessing for a marriage but that marriage is an individual choice. If approval cannot be obtained by either of your parents for reasons which are not in alignment with the Qur’an, please do seek the help of other relatives or perhaps a trusted imam.  t is possible to marry without your parents’ consent (though every effort must be made to get their blessings) as you are both adults and you have the right to marry whom you want within Islamic guidelines. While the marriage will be halal, there will be some rough times for awhile from both of your families until they have insha’Allah  accepted your decision.

I kindly suggest sister that you make a list of your cousin’s good qualities and attributes; your plans for married life such as how you will live (finances) and where, will you both complete college or does he plans to work,  etc.  In other words, have a plan in place to present to your parents (and your cousin as well)  which will help convince them that this marriage would be a successful one.   As he now lives in a different country, this may make things more difficult. When speaking with your parents about the subject, please do insha’Allah have a list of authentic hadiths and references from the Qur’an to back up your rights to marry.

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Lastly dear sister and most important, make du’aa’ to Allah for guidance and in sha’Allah you both should make istikharah prayer regarding a final decision. I understand you miss him as you both grew up together and formed a bond. In sha‘ Allah, it will work out that the two of you can marry. However, in the finale sister, whatever Allah has decreed will be. If Allah did not decree that you marry him, then you must trust in Allah and move on with your life, the same for him. You both will know in time what it is that Allah has decreed for you both. If marriage to one another is what you both feel is right after much prayer and contemplation, then do take what measures you need, to ensure your parents understand the seriousness of your intentions.

We wish you both the best.