Salam. I am hurt by a brother (whom I know) who made an agreement/promise with me, but he broke it thinking it was beneficial for me, didn't speak to me for some months and even now. I am aware that there are two groups of scholars who has different opinions on fulfilling an agreement. The majority of jurist say that it is recommended, while the other group of scholars says it is obligatory. However, when he broke the agreement, I began to get sick per month. Each month, I will have at least one sickness, but now I have suffered from an illness (a cold) for about the past three months. The brother is aware of my situation (not about the three months part), but the only thing he is doing is reading my messages (I haven't contacted him for a while). However, even though he hasn't communicated with me for months, there was a month where he spoke to me for three days. During those three days, he was being very rude and cruel to me. He was trying to solve our problem within those three days by acting like a young kid! After that, I received injuries, and the next following month I began to suffer from the cold that is still present today. The hurt of the action that he did towards me is affecting my heart. It comes and goes. The hurt effects the right side of my top private part (I don't want to type it) near my chest. I have aches, headaches, and constipation. When I'm speaking to others (mainly to my family), I have a tendency to use my voice at them, while inside my heart it does not feel any remorse, because it is very hurt and my body is very worn out and tired. Every day, I am suffering from these symptoms. I have a personal counselor, Alhamdulillah. However, she is not being very effective, does not often use Islamic Psychology, nor does it seem that she would like me to keep discussing this brother. In fact, I have not spoken to her regarding him for the past four months and other updates in relation to me. I am reaching out to the counseling section because I would like a counselor to give me tips/strategies on how should I overcome this situation from the Islamic point of views.
As-Salamu ‘Alaykum sister,
Thank you for writing us. I am sorry to hear about the brother who broke his promise/agreement to you. I am not sure what this promise or agreement was as you did not say. What you have said is that he no longer really communicates with you and when he does he is rude and cruel to you. From that standpoint alone, sister, whatever promise/agreement he broke may be a mercy from Allah as you do not want to deal with one who is rude and cruel, do you?
Often times we may think a thing is good for us when in fact it is not and Allah knows best. As I do not know if this agreement/promise was in regards to a job, marriage, helping you with something whatever it was it was, may not have been decreed by Allah to happen, perhaps to save you from further pain or worse. Sister, Allah will often send us certain signs if something is good or bad for us if we pay attention and take heed. Often times we may see the signs but because of our own wants and desires, we ignore them and continually try to pry open the shut door until we either “wake up” or get hurt.
In your case, it seems that by trying to get this man to keep his promise/agreement it is causing you great harm. You seem stressed out, anxious, constantly preoccupied with this situation and possibly depressed. Your symptoms of “things affecting your heart, chest pain, bodily aches, headaches, constipation, fatigue, injuries, illnesses all point to a stressed out system encompassing your body, mind, and spirit leading to anxiety, depression, and a lowered immune response causing a higher risk of getting flu’s and colds. This is not what he did to you sister, this is what you are doing to yourself by your chosen response to his breaking the promise/agreement. Please sister, do evaluate the following and make a daily journal of your activity. How often do you eat healthy, nutritious foods, drink water, exercise? Are you doing things to reduce your stress such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, drinking tea, walking, and so forth? How often do you do enjoyable things with friends or family? More importantly, are you nourishing your relationship with Allah by keeping your prayers, going to Him in prayer when you are troubled, dzhkir, reading Qur’an and seeking His comfort and guidance?
Sister, all these things and more, help create a more healthy mind-body-spiritual connection. Allah created us, thus He commands that we take care of each aspect of our being. This man did not cause the illnesses and negative feelings to happen, you chose to not heal from the hurt and disappointment thus leading to the state you are currently in. I am not trying to sound harsh sister but I know that in sha’ Allah you are a pious, beautiful, intelligent sister who is stronger than this. You have the ability through Allah (and a good therapist) to change your life around. This man and this broken promise/agreement is in the past and probably for a good reason. Let it go. You cannot force someone to do something nor should you want to, especially as he is rude, cruel and cut off communication. Let him go and live.
You stated you are going to a counselor. You did not mention your diagnoses nor for how long you have been seeing her and that is an important factor relating to what you are going through. You also stated she was not effective. This is evident through what you have written, though I am not sure how compliant you are with the treatment plan. Please do find another counselor who may take a different approach to treatment.
Additionally, please do make extra efforts to put this situation behind you. Whatever it was, is gone. Trust in Allah that it is for the best. I am not an Islamic Scholar nor do I know what the promise/agreement is about so I cannot give a full answer but based on what you have written, I hope that insha’Allah this has helped some. If you desire a more Islamically based response concerning agreements/promises please do write our “Ask the Scholars” section with a more detailed question outlining the specific promise/agreement so they can know the specifics of the situation. Right now I am concerned with your physical and mental health as I have advised you regarding your presentation. Please know that despite this disappointment, you are loved. Your family and friends love you, your sisters in Islam love and care for you and Allah loves you. You are in our prayers, please let us know how you are doing.