As salamu alaykum dear sister,
Shokran for writing to our live session. Congratulations on the engagement of your daughter. I can imagine that this is a very happy, yet stressful time for you.
Haram Behaviors before Marriage
Some points of stress you have outlined. You indicated that your daughter has been on the phone with her fiancé and goes out with him and comes back late. I’m not sure if she did this prior to being engaged to him, however, she may feel that they have the liberty to do this as they are engaged. As we know, this behavior is haram because they are not married yet and can lead them into great danger, even jeopardize their marriage plans.
Approach your Daughter
Sister, perhaps if you approached her in a different manner she may listen to what you have to say. Take her out for lunch or dinner and try insha’Allah to make it a fun, casual experience. When speaking with your daughter, insha’Allah ask her how she feels, inquire about what she is thinking regarding her marriage and her current thoughts on an Islamic marriage. If you approach her with anger, she’s going to shut down and not listen. However, if you approached her as a friend, even though you’re still her mother, she may be more inclined to listen.
You may wish to speak with her about the great blessings of marriage and discuss with her the wonderful future she will have insha’Allah. Perhaps telling her about your own engagement and how excited you were, will reconnect the two of you. By sharing your feelings with her about how you felt about getting married, perhaps she will begin to see that you too, have had similar feelings as she is having.
Insha’Allah, you might want to point out the importance of being careful with behaviors. You may wish to share an experience that relates to how you overcame a temptation while waiting for your wedding day. Additionally, insha’Allah, explain that that you didn’t want to do anything that would jeopardize the blessings of Allah.
In this context perhaps insha’Allah, she will understand that if she engages in her haram behaviors, she and her fiancé will not gain the favors of Allah, in fact it may even jeopardize their marriage in the future.
Your Daughter is now Responsible
As you have taught your daughter very well, and you have given her a good Islamic foundation, it is basically upon her at this age whether she follows the principles. However, she does need to show respect for you, as that is your home and you are still providing for her.
Regarding the walimah, as I understand, there will be songs and other things which is against Islam. You feel that she is trying to be more accommodating to her fiancé’s side of the family. Sister you may want to express your discomfort with her regarding her choices in music and the other things which you say are against Islam. Perhaps there can be concessions.
In cultures there are many ways in which walimahs are conducted. Festivities may be simple or elaborate and often there are activities at walimahs which everyone is not in agreement with. You may feel that your daughter is trying to accommodate her fiancé’s side of the family, and she very may well be, however, this is quite normal She is trying to make both sides of the families happy. She may feel that she is letting down the boy’s side of the family if she refuses certain aspects of the walimah. She may feel that you would be more understanding as you are her mother, and she is just getting to know her future in-laws. However, she should consider both family’s feelings, and above all she should ensure it is Islamic.
This is her wedding sister, it is now between her and her fiancé, and Allah. Insha’Allah, how they conduct their walimah will be acceptable to Allah. As with anything else in life, there are situations that we will be in that we do not feel are optimal for our Islam. However, this is where our test of faith, as well as strength, comes in. I cannot advise you whether you should attend because it is personal, and it is your daughter. I would say however that because it is your daughter, insha’Allah make duaa to Allah seeking His guidance on this matter. I can kindly suggest that you do attend her walimah.
If there are things that you are you are uncomfortable with such as music being played, perhaps you could take that time to go for a walk while the music is playing. In this way, you will still be there for your daughter-for a very important milestone in her life, yet you can still honor your conscious by taking a brief walk when things are not in an Islamic manner.
Insha’Allah you and your daughter will work it out sister. Talk to her as a friend now, she needs you both as her mom, and her friend. Our moms are the best friend’s we will ever have. We wish you both the best.