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Start Ramadan with a Clear Mind (Counseling Session)

Hannah Morris
23 April, 2019

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah for answering the questions.

Thursday, Apr. 25, 2019 | 10:30 - 11:30 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Salam Aleikom dear counselor,

I am terrible at time management. I feel things are just flowing around me. I work, but I also work on building up my own business. Plus family, house chores, my exercise routine, cooking…and so Ramadan makes me scared each year: how am I going to do all the things?

I feel Ramadan is kind of an additional burden on me, unfortunately. How can I attain peace and that increased faith and spirituality in such chaos? I usually end Ramadan exhausted. I usually just go with the flow, feeling guilty about the things I wanted to do but I did not get the chance to do it. Please help!



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

Let me fist reassure you that you are not alone in this battle. Most people feel this way, brothers and sisters alike, especially with Ramadan fast approaching!

 

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Improving time management skills, especially at this time, can be very beneficial in many ways, especially in significantly reducing the stress associated with having so much to do and so little time; a feeling that you don’t want to experience during Ramadan of all times.

 

Since Ramadan has not commenced yet, now is the best time to start making plans ahead of time. This plan can include the things that you would normally do, as well as the extra things that you hope to achieve during Ramadan, such as reading the Qur’an.

 

Having a written schedule can be especially useful when you have many things to do. With so much to do, it’s easy to forget something and then get stressed because you can’t catch up. Literally write down all you need to get done each day and tick them off as you achieve them. This will help you to monitor what you have done and what you need to get done. As you see the things being crossed off you will get the sense of achievement that will keep you motivated to keep moving forward.

 

When the tasks are pretty similar each day, having a routine can also be useful. That is, for example, doing chores at a set time each day, exercising a certain time each day..etc.. it may require tweaking along the way, or adjusting to accommodate other things at times, but having a simple routine to begin with can be a useful place to start.

 

Structure your day around prayer. Not only does this help to maintain routine, but it ensures that at the very least you attend to your spiritual needs and obligations.

 

Break things down into manageable chunks. For example, if you plan to read the whole Qur’an during Ramadan, read 4 pages a after each prayer and this will accomplish this goal. 4 pages each time seems a lot less burdensome and manageable than when you think of the entire amount of pages you need to read. Alternatively, if you are not necessarily planning on finishing he Qur’an, but want to connect with it, just reading a page after each prayer instead can contribute to this goal. You can use similar techniques to reach your business goals too. That is, setting smaller realistic goals that move you towards building your business. It is important to note that these goals should be realistically manageable. As eager as you may be to get things moving, trying to push things too quickly and do too much too soon could lead to your own burnout tonthe detriment of your own health and your business too.

 

Plan ahead. Many sisters feel overwhelmed with cooking in Ramadan and a common solution suggested for this is to batch cook. When making something, cook more than normal. Eat some and freeze some. This way in a few days time when you are to eat the same dish again you will not need to take all the time again to cook as it is already prepared.

 

Planning ahead with a schedule is also a useful way to help you to be sure that you are balancing everything in your life; home life,  business, spirituality..etc.. and affording each their due right and time.

 

Eliminate the things that are not useful. You’d be surprised at the amount of time we all spend doing things that are not useful, especially in this day and age of social media and internet. Cut Theses things out, or at least reduce them to a minimum and this will buy you extra time.

 

Similarly, priorities the most important things. Skipping these things or leaving them until last minute will only contribute to your level of stress. Also, if there are any tasks that require minimal time, say less than 5 minutes, get those out of the way first too so that all the small things don’t pile up. It will also add to the sense of accomplishment as you cross these tasks off your to do list.

 

Combine tasks. If you need to commute somewhere, put an Islamic lecture on, or listen to the Qur’an Sn that you can experience a sense of spiritual enlightenment during a time that would otherwise just be pretty redundant aside from getting you to your destination.

 

May Allah guide you during this time in such a way that not only will you achieve success in you family and business life, but that you will experience spiritual growth during this blessed month. May He reward your desire to reach this state and support you in doing so.

Salam.

My wife and I had a quarrel. I am not in favor with her work which, indirectly, deals with alcohol. She’s in the F&B industry. I was shouted at in public for 5x and the last straw was when she told me “who am I to guide her.” She has left the house since then. Apparently, nothing is working out for us.

Should I divorce her?



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

May Allah reward you for trying to take you away from something that is not permitted in Islam. I’m sure as her husband that you are only looking out for her and her Deen and are aware that her job will not serve in her favour on the Day of Judgment. As her spouse, you would also be held accountable for this so to guide her away from it is the correct thing to do.

 

It is unfortunate that she is not taking this so well as has even gone as far as publicly rebuking you for your actions.

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Of course, if she is refusing to change and you know you will be accountable for allowing her to continue in a haram job you have the grounds for divorce, however, marriage is a valued institution in Islam and we must do our best to protect it first before making such an extreme decision. Therefore, it is suggested that you take some other steps that might help resolve the situation and your marriage first.

 

Understand why she feels this way. Talk to her gently about why you are. Sympathize with her about the prospect of leaving a job that she feels well settled it, but let her know that you fear for how Allah will judge her for doing what she is doing. Let her know that it is not about you trying to control her, that it’s about you wanting what’s best for her.

 

Seek counselling or religious intervention ideally to educate her on the dangers of her job. Perhaps hearing such from a scholar will convince her more. This is something you can do together so that she can feel like you are supporting her. Once she comes to realize the unfavorable nature of her job perhaps she will make the decision to leave herself. Clearly she feels like you are pushing her around and she doesn’t like that. Even though you are doing it for her benefit, she seems to be taking it in a less caring way. It seems she doesn’t want to feel someone is making this choice for her, so if she can be encouraged to do so of her own volition then in sha Allah she will step down from her job with without a fight.

 

Support her and help her in finding a new job that is more suitable. Finding a job dn applying for multiple jobs, the process of going through interviews can be pretty stressful so its little wonder she wants to avoid going through all that. However, if you show her some support, help her with the job hunt, it will ease this burden for her as well as letting her know that you are with her, supporting her through this difficult time. This will be good not only for her, but also in building relations between you.

 

At least if you try all these things and she is still unresponsive and aggressive and seems to have no inclination to change you can feel confident that you have tried everything to make the relationship work then you could walk away knowing that for the sake for your marriage and Allah you have done everything you can.

 

Many spouses may ignore such matters for the sake of peace in their marriage, but for the sake of pleasing Allah you are speaking up on the matter. May Allah reward your persistence for His sake.

Dear Counselor, many countries, unfortunately, are in a state of war and conflict. What should the youth living in those countries do, other than joining the fighting?



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

It is unfortunate that the entire world seems to be in this state at present and that the majority of this fighting is happening in the Muslim lands.

 

Whilst some youth see the solution to be to go and join the fight, there are other options available.  Perhaps as fighting seems like the obvious solution any options become overlooked, however, there are other things that can be done.

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First and foremost, without involving ourselves directly at all, we can turn to Allah. Ask Allah to guide those involved to stop the fighting and stop the conflict. This may seem like a mammoth and impossible task, but with Allah, anything is possible. We only have to look back to the battles in history to see this.

 

There are also things you can do on a more practical level too, both proactively as well as reactively.

 

Whilst youth are perhaps the most susceptible to go to war, they can also be the once to successfully initiate change through youth initiative programmers. Such initiatives can unite the youth with other members of the population including teachers, politicians and religious leaders to promote positive messages. As a unified unit they can strive more successfully as a group to appeal to other youths not to join the fighting as well as approaching political groups who may be involved in initiating the fighting in the first place. Such approaches are more successful when done in groups like this and are more like to enact positive change. With the support of teachers and religious leaders, this will also strengthen the message.

 

Unfortunately, much damage has also already been done so the proactive approach above will not serve to eliminate the damage that has already been done. On this level, there are many charitable organizations that deal with this and help those affected by war. This is another good area tor the youth to get involved in. Not only will this get you involved in a positive way, but it will count as good deeds for you too. Depending on your field of expertise or preference, this might involve helping to rebuild damaged structures, or providing physical or psychological assistance to those who have been hurt in the conflict.

 

Doing such work will also fuel you in the proactive approach as you feel motivated to seek change as a result of seeing the horrific damage that is being done and the two approaches can work hand in hand against the conflict.

 

May Allah guide those who initiate the fighting to a path of peace and may He support and protect those living in the war zones.

Few days ago, I did contact you regarding my marital relationship. Whatever you suggested I started following it. My husband was fine, but now once again fought with me and he is not talking to me either.

Is Allah still unhappy with me? I tried my level best to leave my attitude and respect my husband. I feel i am over doing and now he has taken things for granted and doesn't even visit me and my kids. What can i do? It's out of my boundaries to convince my husband. He hardly stays with us and listens to his mom and brother and overreacts.

I am really depressed upon that there are a lot of issues going on in my brothers’ lives too. I and my family are into so much trouble. Except Allah SWT nobody can help.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

When bad things happen in your life this is not necessarily a sign that Allah is not happy with you. It could be that He is guiding you to something, perhaps to develop a part of your personality or to make a choice that will lead you to go somewhere, or perhaps He simply wants you to learn a lesson, test you with patience and give you a chance to show that and develop it. Sins are exited through enduring the trials that we face so perhaps it is His way helping you on this front. Only Allah knows why you are going through this. There is no way for you to know or do anything about what He has planned for you, but you can control your response to it.

 

If you consistently feel that any bad situation in your life is because Allah is not pleased with you it could have a negative effect especially if you despair at the situation. Instead there are some things you can do to cope.

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From a spiritual perspective, see it as a chance to prove yourself to Allah, that you can cope with difficult scenarios appropriately in the hope of His Mercy; that you are relying on Him to see you through and come to your aid. If you feel that there are things that you are doing in your life that Allah may be unhappy with, fix them. At least then you don’t have to be fixated on a feeling that you have done wrong by Allah and this test you are presently facing is due to Allah’s displeasure.

 

It seems that you are going through other difficult scenarios right now too, even outside your marriage, so perhaps this is why you are feeling like it is some kind of punishment. Instead, as mentioned before, try to draw the positives out of this test. Know that any test  even down to the  pick of a thorn, is a source of expiration of any past sins, so these tests almost save as a form of purification for your own betterment.

 

If this is an ongoing issue for you, I would suggest that you and your husband seek counselling together to bring you to a place where you can both talk openly about your emotions without judgement. It will give you both the space to express your feelings and feel listened to.

 

If counselling is not an option, then you can speak together between yourselves, when other members of the family aren’t present. If he is not talking to you right now, it will require patience in your side. Give him the space to go through whatever emotions he is going through first and then support him on his return. Once he has returned and is talking to you, you will be better able to have a deeper discussion without making him feel overwhelmed. Trying to push him to talk to you too much whilst he is seemingly taking some space may not be conducive to improving relations.

 

Whilst you are waiting for him, find comfort with Allah,  turn to Him, remember Him always, ask for His guidance. This will provide you with the support you need right now this will also place you in a better mental frame of mind when dealing with your husband. Also, even though your husband doesn’t seem to be acknowledging your daughter, you can do your best to make sure this situation doesn’t effect her at all as that could have lasting effects on her. Instead, try to keep things as normal as possible for her and avoid taking your frustrations out on her.

 

May Allah guide both you and your husband and may He bring contentment back into your marriage.

I had sex with my elder brother’s wife 1 month ago. We did not go that deeper but just touch each other’s body parts. From that day onward i regret so much that sometimes i think about suicide. Every day i ask for forgiveness from Allah but i cannot forget that day.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

The fact that you know you did wrong and it is bringing such get remember guilt into your life is a good sign. It means that you know your behaviour was wrong and therefore you will likely do all you can to avoid getting into this situation again.

 

At the moment it’s still fresh, it only happened a month ago and this is why it is still hurting you so much.  What makes it difficult is that you are faced with a constant reminder of it when you see your brother so it feels like there is no escape from your sin. As distressing as it is right now, there is a way out of this, in sha Allah.

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The first and most important thing here is to turn to Allah and seek His forgiveness. Never give up in turning to Him. He loves when people ask for His forgiveness and He loves to forgive. Turn to Him in the depths of the night and beg Him. Do so with the conviction that He is the Most Merciful and will forgive. Remember that He will forgive everything and find hope in that and thrive on this knowledge. This will help you to forgive yourself.

 

Beyond this, there are some other practical steps you can take to help yourself. Firstly, learn a lesson from this. This was a clear example of the dangers of being alone with a member of the opposite sex. Shaytan can easily work his way into this scenario and cause such terrible events to happen. Having experienced this first hand now, it will be easier for you to avoid such situations in the future with anyone. The fear of Allah in the knowledge of His wisdom will push you away from any such situation to avoid having to go through the terrible experience and feelings that you are encountering now.

 

Also, right now, you have to face your brother all the time which makes it difficult for you to focus as it is a constant reminder to you which is making it difficult for you to move on and forgive yourself. Perhaps you might consider take some time away, even if just a short time, to be somewhere where you won’t b faced with this constant reminder. It will give you a chance to focus on asking for forgiveness, forgiving yourself and dealing with the emotions that you can’t seem to shake right now which is leading you to feelings of such despair. Being alone and away from the situation will provide the ideal opportunity for this to happen.

 

Once you are able to reach a more peaceful place you will also be able to focus more on your studies which will help taketh preoccupation with what happened away as you move on in your life. Of course, this doesn’t make what happened acceptable, but there is nothing you can do to go back and rewrite that now. Instead, you can correct you wrongs best by seeking forgiveness, and moving forward with fear of Allah in your heart and this will help to combat the feelings of despair that you are experiencing. Although, you must understand that this process takes time too and to let go of such feelings will require much patience on your part, but with persistence you can achieve it, in sha Allah.

 

May Allah forgive you and guide you to what is best and most acceptable in His eyes and bring your comfort in times of despair.

Assalamualaikum.

I am crying while writing my problem to you. I have been following About Islam for a long period of time. I have been suffering from OCD for last few years. In addition to that, I am also suffering from excessive sex disorder. I have started praying Salah and Alhamdulillah I was able to stay away from such filthy act for some time. I thought this would not never come back but I could not control my urges and committed fornication.

I am in a relationship with a girl whom I will marry soon. She is a wonderful lady and I told about this addiction and I promised her that I would never do this again. I am such a filthy man that I committed this sin again. Now I am feeling so guilty and cannot tell this to anyone.

How will I tell these to people? I feel so guilty after committing such heinous crime. Please help me how will I be able to overcome this illness. I am already under medications for my OCD. I am such disgusting person. I cannot forgive myself.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

Unfortunately, this is not an uncommon problem. This is likely because we are faced with images that promote such behaviors on a daily basis. It is quite inescapable, especially in the West. It is almost impossible to live your normal daily life without being faced with images that bring such thoughts to mind.

 

Let’s begin by focusing on the positives; alhamdulilah, you will be getting married soon, alhamdulilah you have recognised that it is a problem and are in the process of doing something about it, and alhamdulilah, islam has the solution for this.

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The fact that you know it is a problem is the best place to start. It will give you motivation to do all you can to change. Furthermore, you know that it is a sin which on its own is enough to eventually push you away from this behaviour to avoid the unpleasant feelings you get as a result of engaging in the sin. Continue to repent for the sin. Stand before Allah and beg for His forgiveness. He loves to forgive and will if you continue to ask for His Mercy and continue to do all you can to stop this behaviour. You must be confident in His Mercy if you are to free yourself from such guilt and move on free from this sin.

 

As with everything, Islam always a has the solution. In this case, one solution is to get married. You are at an age where you will have these desires that need meeting. The only way to meet this in a halal way is through marriage. Marriage is highly valued in Islam and this is one of the reasons why, as it stops the need for fornication as needs can oherwise be met without acts that lead to corruption in the land. With this in mind, since being with the woman until you marry isn’t permitted, I would encourage you to get married as soon as possible so that you can experience this unity. In sha Allah once married you will find your life in this particular domain will change dramatically as you have a different outlook in life.

 

In the mean time, Allah has offered other solutions to your desires which will be good practice to implement in your life until you get married. Keep Allah in mind always, with everything you do, even small tasks. Make the necessary du’as throughout the say. With Allah in mind it will be easier to stay away from sinful acts. When you get a chance, keep busy with acts of worship, improve your Qur’an recitation skills, watch islamic lectures and increase your knowledge, perform dhikr; all these things so that Allah is always in your mind.

 

With Ramadan almost here, it will be time to fast which is another excellent solution to your problems and is prescribed in the Sunnah as a means to control your desires if you are not married. Whilst fasting you will not be permitted to commit the sins you have and therefore should,  in sha Allah prevent you from doing such things especially during this time as we learn to control all desires, right down to that of hunger and thirst.

 

May Allah forgive and guide you and grant you a spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.