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Raising Teens in The West (Counseling Session)

Dear Brother/Sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister ِAisha Mohamed Swan, for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the answers of the questions below.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

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Thursday, Apr. 27, 2017 | 08:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
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Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

As-salamu `alaikum counselor, My son is 16-year-old. He is my only child, and I want him to be self-confident can you please give me some tips for how to strengthen his self-confidence. Thank you



As-salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing in to our live session.  Confidence is often attained by positive reinforcement along with successfully completing goals, tasks and feeling liked and accepted by peers and others.  With that in mind, I am not sure why you feel your son lacks confidence as you were not specific with any issues he may be going through which can affect self-confidence.

 

I state this as it may not be a lack of confidence you see but something else if there are concerns.  As your son is a teenager, there are many feelings, emotions, and changes he is probably going through. At this stage in development, young people are often trying to figure out who they are separate from their parents, and who they are in the larger sense of the world. Young men are usually interested in girls, curious about sex, thinking about fitting in and being accepted by their peers as well as being liked by girls. While this is not in an Islamic context per say, it is to a degree as it is part of human nature. Young men at this age are often thinking about getting good grades, going to a university in the future or getting a good job.  Also of concern is being good at whatever hobby or interest they may have such as sports.

 

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I state this as it may not be a lack of confidence you see but something else if there are concerns.  As your son is a teenager, there are many feelings, emotions, and changes he is probably going through. At this stage in development, young people are often trying to figure out who they are separate from their parents, and who they are in the larger sense of the world.

 

Young men are usually interested in girls, curious about sex, thinking about fitting in and being accepted by their peers as well as being liked by girls. While this is not in an Islamic context per say, it is to a degree as it is part of human nature. Young men at this age are often thinking about getting good grades, going to a university in the future or getting a good job. Also of concern is being good at whatever hobby or interest they may have such as sports.

 

While you probably already know all of this I do mention it as a way of connecting confidence to the struggles he may be going through as well as peer pressure that often occurs around this age.  You can help him develop his confidence by understanding who he is, what he feels and respecting that person who he is, and who he hopes to be.  Help him to understand his strengths and weaknesses and to know that to fail in a task (as we all do) is a learning experience so we can try again.

 

Teach him to be proud (but not arrogant) of his gifts and abilities, and that to work on one’s weaknesses is a sign of strength and determination. Tell him often you are proud of him. Ask him frequently how he is progressing on a goal to show it is of value and that you are interested.  Set him up for success. Once you know his strengths, encourage him to pursue them.

 

If he is good at sports, have him join a sports team. If speaking and articulating is his thing, encourage him to join a debate team.  Nurture his abilities and respect his choices. If he is interested in something you do not like, don’t downgrade it, but support it as it is his choice.

 

Keep the lines of communication open so that he feels confident to talk to you about anything! Young men tend to open up better when engaged in conversation while doing a task. Find something he enjoys doing and use this time for in-depth communication. This goes back to the above possible interests such as sex, girls, fitting in, peer pressure, career choices, among other things. Make sure he knows he can talk to you about these things without fear of judgment or rejection. While you do want to provide good Islamic advises, you also need to be his friend in addition to being his parent.

 

Young people who feel they can talk to their parents about anything that is bothering them and receive supportive, kind responses, statistically tend to have higher confidence levels. This is not to say to be supportive of haram goals or behaviors but it is saying to listen, be there and offer Islamically based problem-solving skills to aid him in making wise decisions if he comes to you with a problem. Along with encouraging communication, insha’Allah respect his emotions as well and do not try to make him feel “less than a man” should he express sensitive emotions or feel like crying over something that has hurt him.  Allow him to be fully human.

 

Give your son increasing responsibility.  This can range from adding more chores, letting him drive the family car, giving him a special project to work on such as building a fire-pit for BBQ’s to taking care of a family member who may be sick or in need. Praise him for his accomplishments concerning these increased responsibilities, pointing out the successes resulting from his efforts. If he is able (working part time or begins to work) encourage him to begin to pay some of his bills such as his cell phone.

 

This not only boosts confidence in an ability to manage his money but also gives him a sense of empowerment as a young adult who is taking responsibility for his own needs. Engage him in charitable works in the Islamic community.  Not only will helping others give him a sense of accomplishment, but it will also insha’Allah, help keep him humble, and grateful for his blessings.  It will also be an opportunity for him to make lasting friendships with others.  As he is an only child, this will be especially important.

 

Lastly, model confidence!  As his parent he looks to you as a role model. If you are insecure about yourself, he will pick up on it. Don’t always put yourself down, or express self doubt all the time. While we all have area’s we need to improve in, use these as teaching points of how to “get back up and try again”. Be willing to try new activities, this will illustrate to your son that new things are not always scary and by seeing you try new things will give him the confidence to do so as well.

 

Insha’Allah these tips have helped, it sounds as if you already are on the way to raising a wonderful and confident son as you took the time and concern to ask!  We wish you both the best!

 


My Daughter is 13 year old, she used to be cheerful, talkative, communicating with others, but recently she somehow became withdrawn not communicating with her relative. Her father and I might be blamed for this because we used to make jokes about her, her way of talking, her appearance compared to her older sister. How can I correct this and make her communicating again and let her regain her confidence back? Jazakum Allahu Khairan.



As-salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing in to our live session. I am sorry to hear that your daughter has withdrawn. She not only is at the age wherein puberty starts which brings many changes and emotional upheavals at times but she also may be contending with the fact that you and your husband use to make fun of her. At this tender age she may have assimilated some of the “making fun” and now may suffer from low self-esteem, feelings of not being good enough as well as possible depression.

 

Sister, while you cannot go back in time and change things, I would first seek Allah’s forgiveness for hurting your daughter.  Secondly, I would go to your daughter (along with your husband) and apologize to her for saying anything mean, making fun of her and comparing her to her sister. Please do assure her that you love her just the way she is, that she is a worthy, beautiful, and intelligent young lady, and that you and your husband are not perfect parents (as none exist) and did not mean to hurt her.

 

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I would kindly suggest dear sister that you try to spend time with her.  Take her out for lunch or do something with her that she enjoys.  Talk with her.  Share your experiences of a time when your parents hurt you and how you dealt with it.  Also, ask her how she feels about certain things.  It can be from her achievements in school to friends or concerns she might have.

 

As it may be a situation wherein she feels she is a failure in the family, insha’Allah sister you can build her up to where she feels loved, confident and accepted, although it may take time.  I do not know to what extent this went on, nor how deeply she was damaged.

 

Please do watch for and monitor for signs of depression or self-harm. Things like sleeping too much or not at all, sadness, crying, loss of appetite or increase in appetite, a fall in school grades, loss of interest in things she once enjoyed, not socializing with friends, not taking care of her appearance or hygiene, and isolating are some symptoms.   Also look for signs of self-harm (which is on the rise these days in young girls) such as any scars or unexplained cuts on arms, legs and other area’s of the body; suicidal ideation-talking or writing about death or wishing she were not here and so forth.   She is already isolating which teens often do, but given the family scenario of making fun of her and downgrading her, it is a concern.

 

Insha’Allah dear sister you can repair the damage that has been done. Please do try to engage her, take an interest in her and spend time with just her.  Insha’Allah let her know just how precious she is to you and how much she is loved and cherished. Encourage her to talk with you assuring her that what she feels and says is important to you.

 

This may take some time to build, as trust was destroyed when you and your husband made fun of her, she may need some time to feel safe with you.  If you do notice any of the above symptoms or others that are not normal, please do insha’Allah take her for counseling as soon as possible.  We wish you the best she is in our prayers.

 


Salam. I was wondering if a child is high functioning but on the autism spectrum, how accountable are they in terms of religious obligations? And what is the best way to approach it with them. Also, what if they struggle learning Arabic and memorizing Quran? (Including parts of prayer like the tahiyaat). He is also noticing he struggles compared to peers, and it effects his confidence even though we keep trying.



As-salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing in to our live session. May Allah swt bless your efforts with your child.  While I am not sure how old your child is, it is wonderful mash’Allah that he is trying to learn Arabic and memorization of Qur’an.  These tasks are not easy to a lot of people sister.  A new language can be challenging as well as memorization.  Given that your son has autism and is accomplishing this is even more of a blessing for both him and you.

 

I am not an Islamic scholar but I do know Allah is most merciful.  He created your son and only Allah knows what your son is truly capable of.  As your son has a ‘disability”  he would not be held accountable in the same way as someone who did not have autism.    In fact, as your son is trying to achieve memorization and learning of Arabic it shows he has a deep love for Allah swt.  May Allah bless him and continue to guide him.

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Sister, I would let your son learn and practice at his own pace and ability  Introduce new (or previous) Islamic duties such as salah, reading Qur’an, charity, and so forth- at his pace. Don’t push him, but encourage him with love.  If he is unable to complete something, assure him he did a good job, with great efforts and that you are proud of him for trying.  Let the love of Allah continue to fill his heart and mind.

 

I would kindly suggest however that you examine his learning environment at his classes.  There is nothing more disheartening than trying to keep up with “peers” who are at a different level than you.  In fact, one may lose all confidence and stop learning due to feeling like a failure when in fact that person was a higher success than others.

 

I would kindly suggest trying to find out if there are Islamic Autism groups in your area.  I know there are various supports within some Islamic communities for people who have special needs. Possibly there is an Arabic class and other Islamic educational classes for those with autism or for students who have special needs. If so, I would recommend that you consider enrolling him in such classes as the teachers are usually trained specifically in how to teach those with autism and other needs.

 

Additionally, your son would then be truly learning with peers, he would not feel so pressured to keep up and he would insha’Allah feel more confident and happy with his accomplishments. For example, my one daughter excels in learning history, anthropology, art, English and writing but struggles with math. She struggles hard.  Thus putting her in a classroom with all students who excel in math would not boost her confidence nor encourage her to her fullest potential as she would get frustrated and feel her accomplishments were not good enough in comparison to those “peers” who naturally excel in math.

 

I chose to put her in a class wherein most of the students were struggling with math and she learned the same concepts, within the same time, only she was excited to learn, looked forward to classes and felt confident in her abilities as she was not comparing herself to those with a natural inclination towards mathematical abilities.

 

On the other hand, there are a lot of positives for mainstreaming education.  It helps to make the child feel included in “standard” educational activities; it encourages the child to excel, it promotes diversity, acceptance as well as social normalization of those who have been in the past stigmatized. However, the downside as you noted, may be intense pressure to keep up with others as well as losing a confidence that was well earned.  Sister your son’s learning of Islam thus far is phenomenal.  As you know autistic children are very bright and capable, often beyond others who do not have autism.  I would kindly suggest that you speak to him about how he feels about being in the classes.  Discuss with him his gifts and great abilities to learn compared to others who do not face the same challenges he faces.

 

I would encourage him to study at his own pace and not compare himself to others in a negative light.  If he becomes too overwhelmed, I would kindly suggest looking into the above suggestion for an Islamic education for those with special needs. While your son is on the high functioning spectrum, you know your son best and know what his tolerance levels are, what encourages him and what doesn’t.  Talk to your son, watch his progress and his enthusiasm as well as his confidence levels. Continue to give your son the best tarbiya as this is his right.  Make duaa to Allah that He grant ease for your son and also thank Allah for the amazing son you have!  May Allah swt bless you both!

 


Salam. My kids are between the ages of 7 and 12. Recently in casual conversation, they have mentioned that they dislike to pray and only do it because we ask them. We speak a lot of Allah and all we have to be thankful for and they recognize this, but I want them to grow up learning to love salah. What can we do differently? They are of an age where we have to encourage them. But I don't want them to do it for us and stop when they get to an age where we can no longer monitor them. I want them to learn to love the deen and not do things just to please us. I also don't want them to end up hating prayer because they were forced.



As-salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing in to our live session.  Often times young children dislike to pray, and for many reasons.  Did you ask them why they dislike to pray?  If not, I would kindly suggest that you and your husband find out why. Children at this age often feel prayer interrupts play time, they may have friends that don’t pray and it makes them feel “different”, or they may feel is just not important. It sounds like both you and your husband have done a wonderful job at instilling the love for Allah and prayer in your children.

 

However, we cannot force them to “like” something.  At their ages, they are not yet fully capable of understanding the true blessings of salah, especially the 7-year-old. Hence, when a child begins to hit puberty (as the case with your 12 years old) they are accountable to Allah swt. I would kindly suggest dear sister that you find out what it is about making salah that they don’t like and discuss these points with them with the hopes of nullifying the dislike insha’Allah. I would continue to have them pray with you sister for you are building up good habits within them.  While right now they do not like praying, you are creating a habit in them.

 

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Later on when they get older, if they miss a prayer, insha’Allah it will feel strange to them as they were so used to doing it all of the time. Continue to cultivate a love for Islam in them by doing Islamic things they do enjoy.  Ramadan is coming so this is a good time to stress the festive and joyful, fun times in Ramadan such as the iftars, family suhoors, as well as preparing for Eid.

 

Sister, you stated you do not want them to pray just to please you and your husband, however, it is a blessing that they do want to please you and your husband and that they do in fact pray. Some children do not and could care less about pleasing their parents. In fact, some children can become outright unruly and refuse to pray.  Alhumdulilah your children are praying and do desire to please you. Insha’Allah, as they get older they will pray because they want to please Allah swt as well as see the benefit in praying is for them. I would not worry too much about it at this age sister, you and your husband are doing all the right things. I would kindly suggest keeping the lines of communication open with them, not getting upset or angry if they trust in you to tell you

 

I would kindly suggest keeping the lines of communication open with them, not getting upset or angry if they trust in you to tell you things that you may not want to hear (such as they don’t like praying) but commend them on their good actions of listening, being obedient as well as praying. Insha’Allah in time, as they mature and learn more about the love and mercy of Allah in a way that they can assimilate it cognitively, they will develop a love for praying.

 

Right now you are building up good habits of praying that will insha’Allah have a positive lasting affect on their spiritual lives and their relationship with Allah swt.

 

Sister, please do find out what it is they do not like specifically, discuss those points at an age appropriate level and do compliment and praise them often for their good efforts in praying.  Trust in Allah sister for guidance as Allah is most merciful, and make dua to Allah that He continues to touch your children’s, heart.  You and your husband are doing a great job bringing up your children in an Islamic way and I am confident that insha’Allah you will not be disappointed.  You are in our prayers.

 

 


As-salamu `alaikum, my daughter has reached the age of 15, and she is very disobedient. She swears at me and does not listen to me. She also talks to boys at school and on the phone. This is greatly distressing me and causing me to become angry with her. Please, I need your help, what should I do?



As-salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing in to our live session.  I am sorry to hear that your daughter is engaging in disrespectful behaviors, especially the swearing at you and not listening. As we know we are to be respectful of parents at all times and treat them with kindness., when our child is disobedient and especially disrespectful it hurts us and we also may fear Allah’s wrath upon the child for their mistreatment of us as parents if they don’t repent.

 

As she is 15 and going through adolescence, you may see behaviors in her which were not present before. During this time a young person’s body is going through a lot of changes and their emotions are also ever changing. Even so, this is not an excuse and her behavior and it needs to be dealt with and limits set.

 

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In Islam, as you know at this age a parent’s role is deemed to be more of a “friend” at this time as well as a continued, guide, mentor and educator. We are supposed to guide them towards acceptable behaviors and good manners. As parents, we will always want to try to ensure that their actions, thoughts, nd inclinations are to be Islamic. However at this age it is often difficult to do so and based on theories of child development, it is common to experience turmoilous times as the now young adult is seeking their own identity separate from that of the parent(s). Islamic scholars have also noted that this can be a time of disobedience upheaval in the home.

 

As your relationship with your daughter is now of one “friend” (though you will always be her mother of course!)  you may want to sit with her during a calm time and discuss your concerns with her.  I kindly suggest that you begin the conversation with a subject or issue that you experienced when you were her age.  This may be an illustration of how you dealt with sexual urges, how you felt when  your parent’s denied you something you wanted to do or share a  story with her about your teen years.

 

In this way you are insha’Allah opening up the door of communication with her by sharing yourself and how you felt when you were her age.  By sharing oneself as a parent and also expressing empathy based on these experiences, you may insha’Allah help her to feel closer to you and open up more about her relationships with boys, what she is feeling.  This will help facilitate a “working” relationship in that she may be more willing to listen to your advice’s as you are approaching her as not only her mom but as her “friend” as well.  When we look at this concept and approach from her viewpoint, often times a young adult will be more readily able to accept advice and guidance from friends than from parents.

 

One of the reason’s being is that often times they feel parents just do not understand nor can they ever comprehend how they feel.  Insha’Allah, once your daughter begins to see you in this new role of trusted friend and confidant rather than just a punitive role, she will begin to reflect on the wisdom, Islamic values and things you have been through,  and she will start to change her behaviors. By illustrating that you can not only be a good mother but also a good friend, insha’Allah in time your daughter will become more restrained in regards to her interactions with boys.

 

As the home your daughter lives in belongs to you and your husband, your daughter does have the obligation to follow the rules of the home. While this is not inferring that you are in a position to make choices for her or impose your choices on her as she is a young adult and Islamically she must now make her own choices, you do however have the right to be respected and household rules followed. This should be made very clear to her.  While it may sound like a contradiction, in fact it is not.  While she cannot be forced to do anything at this age, she certainly must be held accountable for her actions that are against home rules.

 

You can explain it to her in this way, for instance, if she were at her friend’s home I am sure it would be unthinkable to her to swear at her friends mother or to break one of their home rules. The same responsibility goes for her home.  She is to conduct herself in a respectful manner. You may also want to explain to her that as a young adult now, she has increased responsibilities for her actions. In discussing her swearing and disrespect, you may want to ask her if she speaks to her friends in such a manner as well as remind her of her Islamic duty to her parents to show respect and the consequences of not showing respect (sinful behavior).

 

You may also want to tell her how much it hurts you when she swears at you and is disrespectful.  While you are building a new kind of relationship with her, insha’Allah she will lose these hurtful behaviors and begin to control her emotions and dialogues leading to a more respectful discourse. However sister, as she is going through a lot of emotions right now which can bounce from happy to sad to angry, persistence and patience is needed in stopping this horrendous mistreatment of you.

 

Lastly, please do not take it personal sister, she loves you and you are the closest person to her, hence her feeling she can say anything when she is upset or angry.  However, there are limits and she needs to follow the limits you set or have consequences.  The consequences sister should be insha’Allah, something that continues to be a teachable moment such as having her write an essay on “How does it feel to be Bullied” or “How I express Anger”.  While these are not directly related, they may get her to begin thinking in another way insha’Allah.  In addition, you may want to start taking privileges away such as going to the movies or visiting a friend as a part of her contract to take on the responsibility of being respectful as a household rule.

 

Sister, insha’Allah this phase will not last for very long.  I think that a lot of parents do go through this phase with their children and it is not easy. You are not alone. If you begin to share with her your self, talk with her as a “friend” yet continue to instill good morals and values from an Islamic foundation, insha’Allah she will begin to feel more centered in her emotions, begin to view you as a confidant rather than the punitive parent and have more confidence in herself as a young Muslim women.

 

You both are in our prayers, please let us know how you are doing.

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