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Raising Positive Muslim Children & Teens (Counseling Q&A)

Aisha Mohammad
23 July, 2017

Dear Brother/Sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha Muhammad Swan for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the answers to the questions below.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

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Tuesday, Jul. 25, 2017 | 07:00 - 09:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

How much should I push a child to continue an activity they want to drop out of? I have a 12-year-old daughter. She always starts something – like a hobby- but gets bored if it easily. In fact, she gets bored of everything – she is lazy to study, it is so hard to wake her up in the morning; she does not want to help me with the house chores. I am not sure what to do with her. Any advice?



As salamu alaykum,

Shokran for writing into our live session.   Your daughter is acting typical of many 12-year-olds.  During this time of preadolescence, her hormones are activated, her body is changing as are her emotions, mood, and the concept of self. Her behaviors may also change in response to this (or other external factors) thus affecting her interests and motivation.  Children at this age often suffer from a lack of self-confidence or low self-esteem.  They often feel discouraged, angry or anxious.  This is often masked by not completing tasks, not wanting to study “acting bored”, being rebellious and so on.  Finding out what your daughter is feeling is important.  For instance, when she does not finish a task, kindly try to find out why.   Tell her you are proud of her for doing such a great job thus far, and you want to know why she stopped. Usually, children quit things because either they truly are not interested or they feel frustrated and discouraged.  Finding out the source of her frustration and discouragement will be vital towards any resolution.

Many psychologists feel that there are no “lazy” children.  There are children who may feel like failures or feel demoralized after attempting tasks and feel unable to do them so they just give up.  There are children who won’t study math or language but will watch the animal planet or the discovery channel.  Finding their interests  (even if it is not your interest) and encouraging them to engage in their interests as well as reducing the feelings of inability are two keys to begin resolving the issue of motivation.  This can be done insha’Allah by being excited and interested in her interests, finding the source of her frustration and discouragement and acknowledge it,  acknowledge every effort and improvement, encourage her, focus on her strengths, and give her time.   This will require that you take a different approach to motivation, one which includes encouraging her to talk to you about her feelings; experiences in school as well as in any social circles to rule out any problems she may be having such as being bullied or teased. You will need to refrain from judging her feelings and focus on validating how she may feel. Psychology Today states  “solving the problem of motivation will take time. Demoralization has developed over time. It will take time for your child to learn to overcome his pessimism and self-doubt and to let go of cynical and defiant attitudes. Over time, he has become sensitized to disappointments and stuck in moments of frustration. The more that his demoralization has spread, the more that his pessimism and rebellion have become habitual, the more time he will need”.

Sister, based on what you have written, I would try talk with your daughter and get to the root of the problem.  It doesn’t sound like she is lazy or unmotivated but rather she may be feeling overwhelmed, confused about her changing body and emotions, she may have a loss of self-esteem leading to feeling demoralized or she may be having issues at school.  Please do try to find out.  If this fails and her behavior continues to deteriorate, please contact her doctor to screen for depression.  Again, these behaviors are often seen in teens and pre-teens and are resolved with positive intervention but if in doubt, please do take her for counseling.   We wish you the best, you are in our prayers.

Salam. I found out my 16 years old daughter has a boyfriend. I saw a photo in her mobile with him, with a glass or beer! The guy seems to be a non-Muslim, maybe one of his classmates. I am shocked and do not know what to do now. I thought I raised her with good morality! I haven’t talked to her yet, I do not know how to react to this behavior. What do you advise me?



As salamu alaykum sister,

Shokran for writing to us with your most important concern.  I am sorry you had to find out about your daughter’s “boyfriend” through her phone pictures, rather than her telling you.  I am sure it was a shock to you to see her with a boy.

I am sure you raised her in an Islamic home, sister, and I am sure you taught her good behaviors and morals.  However, as you know, 16  is a very difficult time in regards to managing emotions and reactions.  It is also a time wherein sexual urges are high, the desire to be “liked” by the opposite sex is appealing, as well as trying to fit in “with the crowd” is tempting.

Sister, as you taught her good morals, did you also teach her how to avoid falling into haram acts?  Did you provide coping skills, practical tips, an open door policy so she could talk to you about anything?  I am not asking these questions in an accusatory way sister, but am asking because as parents we often teach our children right from wrong but we often fail to teach them coping skills to deal with temptations. Sometimes in trying to keep our children on the right path we often build walls  (don’t do this or else…) instead of bridges   (If you ever feel like you want to talk, I am here for you….).  I think most parents have done this at one time or another as we often forget that open, safe and loving communication with our teen kids will go farther than a set of do’s and don’t’s.

I would kindly suggest sister that first of all,  don’t assume. The picture could be totally innocent  (besides the beer and the fact she was with a male). It could be that he is not her boyfriend, but just a boy at school whom she knows. He could be Muslim, Muslim kids do fall short!). In not assuming, you are giving her the benefit of the doubt when you do talk to her and by not assuming the worst, you are insha’Allah opening up the lines of communication wherein if you accuse her, it could shut them down.

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I would kindly suggest sister that you take her out for lunch or a tea somewhere quiet.  Tell her that you would like to spend some quality time with her and see where she would like to go for lunch/tea.   I usually suggest a tea/lunch-dinner date as it is more conducive to conversating, there are little interruptions and people usually sit face to face.  With that said, I would begin the conversation with how proud you are of her and how you are proud of the fine young lady she is growing up to be.  While this may be hard as emotions are running high as you just saw the picture, the idea is to get her to trust you, to open up to you and view you as not only her mother-but as her best friend.   At 16, you have already raised her and your relationship should be on a different level by now.  I would suggest following up by telling her of a time (or two) when you were her age and experienced a success or failure.  I would encourage you to talk to her about how you felt when you first started liking boys and what it felt like, and how you coped with temptations.   Talk about your relationship with your mom when you were her age and what you wished she did differently (if anything) or share how your mom was supportive.  While talking with her about your experiences as a teenager, ask her for her feedback.  You can ask her “well what would you have done”  or “have you ever felt like this?”  The goal of all this sister is trust:  to share yourself with your daughter, so she will begin to open up and share with you.   At this point, you can only guide your daughter if she feels safe to talk to you and trust you with her secrets”; with her fears, her mistakes as well as successes.

While I do not know what kind of relationship the two of you have now, or had  in the past-it is a good time to try to restructure the relationship creating one in which she not only respects you as her mother but trusts you as a friend whom she can come to no matter what she does or does not do.   While you may have a good relationship, often times as you know from being a teen, there are certain things as teens we did not tell our parents for fear of letting them down, fear of punishment, or because we simply felt they would not understand.  The practical way of helping your daughter now is to remove these communication blocks.  When we seek repentance from Allah, it is because we fear Him (respect), we are sad to disappoint him (love) and we seek His forgiveness and guidance in the future.    As Allah loves to forgive, so we too as parents should love to forgive our children and offer guidance.  According to Islam, by the time your child is around 14,  your role in your daughter’s life is still that of a  that of a mentor, educator and now a friend.  Listening to her perspective and reducing the authority in speech and action is now required in order to build loving bridges during this turmoilous time of teenage years. I know it is a difficult thing to do because we want the best for our children and it devastates us when we see them doing things that could or do harm them, however, if we hope to be viewed as one who is a trusted friend as well as a parent, we must let go of outgrown ways.  Allah knows best.

Getting back to the picture sister.  My heart goes out to you.  As a parent I know the hurt-my first reaction when hearing my daughter might be dating was not good and it did not go well. When I learned my approach was not the best, I changed and then my daughter changed.  She did not change overnight, it took time, but it was so worth it. Now she comes to me with everything, and she is a wonderfully moral, beautiful young lady. I am confident you raised an intelligent, moral young lady who likes every other teen-and human being-falls sometimes. I would kindly suggest that you do not bring up the picture per say, as this may break any growing sense of trust and bonding that is occurring during your time together for lunch. Do however inquire during your conversation if there is anyone she is interested in for marriage. If the conversation has been going well, this should prompt a reply in regards to the picture, if not insha’Allah continue to build communication and trust with her from here on out.   Insha’Allah she will eventually respond to your efforts by confiding in you with her concerns and needs as well as seek out your advice. I would also kindly suggest that you remind her that you love her and trust that she will make good decisions and assure her that you are there for her to talk to about anything and that you value her as your daughter and as a young woman. This may be even a  harder test than finding the picture as it requires you to let go a little, to trust fully in Allah’s mercy as well as restructure your role in your daughter’s life. Make duaa for your daughter, and trust in Allah.  You are in our prayers, we wish you both the best.

My son is 4 years old and enjoys playing with dolls and “girly toys”. Last week, I found him putting rouge on him and walking in my high heels, imitating me. We try to give him cars and other toys, but he is not interested. His behavior makes me worried. Or is this normal?



As salamu alaykum,

Shokran for writing to our live session sister.  Your son sounds like he has a very creative mind!  At this age, sister, he is very attached to you, his mother so it is not surprising that he may be trying to imitate you.  At this age, often times little boys are more attached to their mothers and little girls to their fathers.  While his choice of play things may be upsetting to you, it is likely a passing phase.  He does not have the cognitive ability at this age to determine what is appropriate and what is not.  And, who is to say this is not okay?  For instance, cooking is typically done by women, or expected to be right?  Well if you look at a lot of the great chef’s, a lot of them are men.  Additionally, we as mom’s often ensure our son’s know how to cook.   Some of my sister’s husbands do brag on their cooking skills at a social get together!  Additionally, sewing is also seen as a gender assigned task, yet look at all the men who are tailors and have sewing shops.  Lastly, the Prophet Mohammad (saw) used to sew his socks.    I bring this all up sister to show you that a lot of what we see as inappropriate is really a just exploration of a creative mind and the children often grow up perfectly fine doing a craft they love that is socially acceptable.

It is my feeling your son is just imitating you, or an auntie or perhaps another sibling in the home, at playtime or in other social settings.  This is normal, dear sister.   The whole scenario of playing with dolls, putting on makeup and walking in high heels is just what you said-an imitation of you!  And that is okay.  He is just experimenting and playing house so to speak.  The fact that he identifies with you, his mom at this age is normal.  In fact in The Psychology of Sex Differences states that as children of both sexes spend more time with the mother they will at first acquire and imitate feminine behavior, however as boys grow older and are more males they will then begin to take on more masculine behaviors and interests.

The fact that he is not interested in cars could be due to the limited ability to do creative things with it.  I would kindly suggest that you buy him crayons, water paint, coloring books-things he can create with and things that are changeable.  For instance, as he like dolls it could be that they remind him more of humans,  and it is easier to pretend more with a doll than a car.  I remember going to my daughter’s daycare and a lot of the little boys were playing with dolls.  The dolls, however, were male dolls and action figure dolls so if you are uncomfortable, you may want to replace the dolls with these types of “boy” dolls.  Also a “Build a Bear” toy might satisfy that possible desire to play with things that are more “alive” like in their presence as well as encourage his creative abilities which will be a benefit to him in school.

Your son sounds like a very bright little boy sister and I would not worry about his choice of toys at this point nor the fact that he experiments with makeup or women’s shoes.  He is insha’Allah just imitating what he is exposed to.  If you are really uncomfortable, just begin to replace it with things that are similar, but more gender identifying.   I recall seeing pictures of my brothers and other peoples bothers as little children dressed up in their mom’s or sister’s shoes, clothes, and wigs.  We laughed, thought it was cute and no one ever made a big deal over it.  However today we live in a world wherein any deviance from what we as a society feel is “normal” is a cause for alarm.  This hypervigilance often does more harm than good as many children go through phases of playing with and doing things out of the social “norm” wherein for their age and cognition, it is normal.  A preschool teacher states that “I am a preschool teacher and the boys love to play with the dolls as much as the girls do. Preschool aged kids enjoy playing pretend and using their imaginations Playing house.  It is also a great way for them to recount what happens in their homes, or at least the way they see it. The boys in my class enjoy pretending to be fathers to the babies. I am also mom to a 15-month old that plays with baby dolls and I have an almost 3-year-old nephew who does too. It is completely normal and it is fun as a mom to see my son try to put the baby to sleep the same way we put him to sleep… shushing and patting. It shows you a lot about your parenting when you see your kids playing house.”

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I would kindly suggest sister that if you are concerned, just swap out the toys for either gender neutral or boy oriented.  Just make sure it aligns with what he is interested in and not something that won’t catch his interest.  Thus my suggestion for action figures or male dolls or build a bear type of toys.  Lastly, please know that insha’Allah as he grows and develops he will insha’Allah  lose these interests and develop new ones as he experiments more with the world around him.   We wish you the best sister, you are in our prayers.

Assalamoalaikum sister Aisha Muhammad-Swan! The full description of my situation can be found at this link where I previously asked a counselor for advice. I am inquiring again as I have a few follow up questions to ask after I was given my initial answer: https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-counselor/want-to-get-married/parents-want-him-to-finish-university-before-marriage/ I've been waiting a long time to marry a man who lives very far from me. He is my brother's friend and his parents are rather dunya-oriented and don't want him to get married until he finishes his undergraduate degree (which will take another 3 years). They don't seem to understand the fitnah of delaying marriage in the western community we live in. We have always wanted to get married with everyone's permission and in the "ideal" manner, but if it is just not possible to do so, can we get our nikkah in secret, as soon as possible, so that we are able to talk to each other legally in Islam? I know that men are allowed to marry without their parents' permission if worse comes to worst, but can I get nikkah without my father knowing? I can convince my older brother to act as the wali in sha Allah, but it would be next to impossible to convince my dad to act as the wali in the nikkah if the groom's own parents haven't given him permission for it. Just as a side note, my mother is completely aware of everything happening and she knows about my whole situation. She supports that we need to have nikkah done as soon as possible. Also, having two witnesses will be no problem in sha Allah; it is just the wali part that I am concerned about. I am so desperate to be married that at this point I am ready to take any stand to have my nikkah done. I have heard that for a marriage to be valid in Islam it must be publicized. But unfortunately and white obviously, our situation is not ideal and therefore this does not seem to be possible. For me, if I am NOT able to get married right now because my future in-laws think it's too early for their son, I would RATHER have our nikkah in secret (and not publicized) than wait for a public marriage, while constantly feeling tempted to talk and fall into sin with this man. I yearn for the freedom to talk freely with my potential spouse and have the peace of mind that whatever I am doing is halal and permissible. We have already waited so long, and after him approaching his parents numerous times, the response is still as negative as it was in the beginning. So my questions are: After how long of trying to convince his parents do you think we should go forth with a private nikkah? Will it be possible for me to have my nikkah done with my brother as the wali instead of my father? If this is not possible, I have heard that I can request a sheikh to act as my wali (if nothing else is working out for me). In the future after we both graduate, will it be okay/permissible for us to have another nikkah (even though we will have already had our nikkah done), this time publicly in front of his parents and my dad? I realize that a secret nikkah is never something that the scholars and great Islamic speakers encourage, but in a situation such as this, what else can really be done...? I'm tired of people telling us to wait because unless anyone is in our exact position they can never realize how hard it is to just "wait". That simply isn't an option anymore, after having been an option for so long. Thank you so much, Jazakum Allah Khair, for helping me out in this time of desperation. I really have hope that I will receive an answer that will solve my problems this time. I have asked so many people for advice and help and I really hope the about Islam team will be able to provide me with the answers I've been longing for. Once again, Jazakum Allah Khair.



As salamu alaykum my dear sister,

Shokran for writing to us again.  The previous counselor gave you excellent advice and tips and alhumdulilah you were receptive!  I would kindly suggest sister that your fiance sincerely speaks to his parents one last time as soon as possible if he has not done so already.  His sincerity should be based on the Islamic principles for marriage.  Insha’Allah, he should approach them with kindness, telling them he plans to marry you in the very near future and provide them with Islamic proofs as to his rights to marry as well as Islamic proofs regarding ones who prevent a permissible marriage.  He should affirm to his parents that he loves them very much, that he plans on finishing school and he also plans on marrying you (possibly set a date) soon and he requests their blessing.  If they do not respond favorably sister, chances are they will not respond favorably if he tries again to convince them.  Thus, it is within both of your rights to marry whenever you please.

As far as the wali situation sister, I would kindly suggest that you gather up the same proofs as well as the support from your mom and brother and sit down with your father and discuss in a loving manner that you love and respect him but you are going to get married and you would like his blessing (backed by Qur’anic proofs of your rights).    If he does not respond positively sister, at least you tried one more time.   As far as I know (I am not an Islamic scholar) your brother or an imam/shaykh can be your wali.  However, if it is your brother, there may be some family drama coming down on him from your father so please do discuss it fully with him to ensure he knows the possibility of this.  As you already have witnesses that are taken care of.

My dear sister, I do not recommend a secret marriage, in fact, I am against it and yes it is considered haram by some scholars.  You are of legal age and so is your fiance.  There is no Islamic reason why you cannot be married.  You both sought the permission and blessings of both your parents to no resolution.  You both are adults.  Allah knows your hearts sister, He knows you both seek a halal marriage to please Him.  Therefore I would kindly advise you to have a regular nikkah, make it public and be happy for the blessings Allah swt has given you.  In my opinion, Allah has blessed you both with each other. You care, love and respect each other and seek a halal marriage.  Yiu both seek to please Allah and not fall into sin.    Why would you want to taint this gift from Allah by making it secret?  Would keep your marriage a secret please Allah?

Also, sister, I am thinking in the future, what if your father brought you a man to marry, or if his parents started pressuring him later on to marry someone they have chosen?   Then you both will have to lie to cover up the first lie (that you are single when in fact you are married).   It all just causes way too much confusion and could lead to disastrous results.  My advice dear sister is to respectfully approach your parents one more time with Islamic proofs, state you are marrying and ask for their blessing.  Get married as soon as possible regardless of their responses.  Make your nikkah public so there is no confusion (the shaitan loves confusion) or lies to be told.  Make duaa to Allah that he softens both your parent’s hearts over time—-and begin your new life as married women!  Congratulations sister on your upcoming marriage, we wish you both the best of Allah’s blessings and happiness.

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Salam. I have two children, one is 8 another one is 14. I divorced 2 years ago. I converted to Islam only a few month ago. My problem is that I wish to raise my children as Muslims, but I myself need to learn more about Islam. They kind of accepted me as a Muslim, although I do not wear the hijab yet, they are not really willing to come with me to the mosque or hear about Islam. maybe my younger daughter is more opened to it, she enjoys wearing the hijab at the mosque, but my son is completely against it. He is rebellious since we divorced. He is a typical western teenager and I am not sure what to do with him. I do not want him to be with friends who make him drink alcohol and smoke cigarette. I know he does smoke and Allahu allem what he does when he is out. I cannot control him. I am also afraid of my husband because he was threatening to take the children if I dare to convert them also to Islam. What shall I do?



As salamu alaykum sister,

Shokran for writing to us with your concerns and congratulations on your reversion to Islam!  May Allah bless you and grant you ease on your new journey.  Concerning your children and x-husband, It is not an easy path sister, I know.  My situation was similar however my x-husband was out of the picture pretty much so I did not have him to worry about, but my children were young and brought up Christian in the church, so the change was big for them.  While I do not know where you live-other than the US or what kind of community you live in, in certain places people have misconceptions about Islam, thus making some children hesitant to learn or embrace Islam for fear of ridicule.  Additionally, if they were not raised in a faith-based home, suddenly having a structure religious atmosphere in the home as well as religious expectations can be kind of a shock for them.

I was once told to take Islam in teaspoons, meaning don’t try to learn everything at once as it can be overwhelming to some people who are new, especially children.  I would kindly suggest sister that you go at your own pace concerning learning, wearing hijab and so forth.  Please do however make it a priority to learn your prayers and keep your 5 daily prayers in addition to gaining Islamic knowledge by reading the Qur’an, going to the Masjid and Islamic events as you are doing now.  Continue to encourage your children by being an example as well as by talking with them about the things you are learning.  Concerning your daughter, as she is only 8, she will be easier to teach as she is still young.  I would kindly suggest buying her children’s books on Islam and spend time reading with her about the Prophet (PBUH), Islam and the various other topics that provide a fun but teaching experience.  While it is not Ramadan, I would suggest getting a child’s book on Ramadan (or movie) and show her all the fun festivities which occur throughout Ramadan up to Eid.  Children usually look forward to Ramadan for many reasons and this may pique her interest as it is one our holidays (Eid).

When teaching your daughter, You may want to tie in some of her interests with Islamic values.  For instance, if she is an animal lover, you may want to take her to do charity with other Muslims who care for lost or abandoned pets.  If she has a passion for fashion-you may wish to show her all the beautiful types of Islamic dress from different countries.  If she enjoys sports or cooking, for example, get her involved in some of the young girl’s groups in your Islamic community.  The more things she is exposed to in Islam that she can relate to the more she will be to learn, insha’Allah.  Also, as she makes more Muslim friends, she will insha’Allah want to start to be more like her friends, especially if they form close bonds.

Your son is going to be more of a challenge.  I pray that Allah makes it easy for you.  He is at that rebellious age anyhow and to make things worse it does not sound like he has adjusted well to the divorce.  It seems he is angry and hurt over it sister.  This is a very difficult time and one you may have had to go through regardless of your reversion to Islam.  I would kindly suggest taking your son to a counselor in your area insha’Allah to work out his issues about the divorce and whatever else he is going through.  Intervention at this stage may insha’Allah prevent worse behaviors from developing.  I would kindly suggest that you continue to be an example to your son of how one overcomes hurt, disappointment, and adversity in life. You may want to get to know other families at your Masjid who may be in a similar situation (divorced/single mom’s with children).  Insha’Allah this can be a great support to you as well as a socially up-building outlet.  Many single moms get together with their children for family night’s at each other home wherein they have fun activities planned for the family.  Perhaps insha’Allah your son may meet a young brother whom he can relate to and become friends with.  This would help with opening up his heart to learning about Islam insha’Allah.  I would also kindly suggest that at his age you do not pressure nor threaten him about Islam, as he will turn away harder but insha’allah provide a learning environment that may pique his interest.  If some of the boys at the Masjid are into basketball or cars or something he is interested in, make it a point to ask him if he would like to go with “so and so” to a game or event.  This, of course, would need to be set up by networking with the sisters at the Masjid to see what opportunities exist for your son.  Often times, when one is not willing or ready to learn about Islam, they may be willing to participate in activities that appeal to them first, and later become interested insha’Allah.  Please though sister,  get him counseling insha’Allah.

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As far as your x-husband goes, unless he is threatening violence-I would just ignore his threats to take the children because you are Muslim.  Don’t feed into his threats nor respond. The last time I checked, it was not a crime to be Muslim in this country nor was it a proof that someone is an unfit mother or father.  In fact, as Islam forbids drinking, drug use, promiscuity, hurting others and other harmful acts,  and encourages kindness, charity, high morals as well as respect for all living things-Islamic parents often can provide the best moral and stable homes for children to be raised in.  Your x-husband may be harmful however in that he may be brainwashing your children with hatred and lies about Islam.  That is why it will be important that they have a clear understanding of what Islam is and isn’t.  Your daughter as I stated is at an age wherein you can still help shape her thoughts and direction, your son, however, may need more time as he may be dealing with issues of anger, abandonment and hurt due to the divorce, which is common in some children after a divorce, thus I highly recommend you you deal with the counseling issue with him while at the same time offering him interesting activities that he can relate to within an Islamic context.  Insha’Allah once he is engaged in counseling and begins to heal, he will be more receptive to active learning and application of Islamic principles in his life.  Do make duaa for your children sister that Allah swt guides them.

You are in our prayers sister, please let us know how you are doing.

As-salamu Aleikom dear counselor. I know Islam encourages Muslims to get married and have children, but I just do not feel like having children. I am not married yet either but we have been looking for a husband. I will be honest: I am afraid children will take too much time, I will always be tired, and won’t be an active participant of the ummah. Besides my work, I am working on spreading Islam and education fellow Muslims, I have already started some of my dawah projects, and I am afraid with household chores and children, I will not be able to accomplish my dreams. Many scholars haven’t married or married very late for the same reason. What do you think of this? Or maybe I am still young, and I haven’t got this feeling of wanting to have children yet and once I marry things will change?



As salamu alaykum sister,

Shokran for writing to our Lives Session.  I am very impressed and happy to hear you are an active part of the ummah and of your plans for dawah.  Your goals are very humble, sincere reflect a deep love for Allah and Islam and is much needed today in our societies.  As women yes we are expected to have children and increase our ummah. However, that is not the only accomplishments we as women-wives attain. If you look at our beloved  Prophet’s (saw) wives, some were business women, teachers, caretakers of the poor and orphaned children. Some of his wives memorized Qur’an and spent much time in the Masjid. Others were involved in charity work.  They were diverse, intelligent and blessed women who were devoted to the Prophet Mohammad (saw) and maintaining Islam.  Yet,  the only one who bore the Prophet (saw) children was  Khadeejah (ra). So while having children is important, sister, it is understandable how your love for Allah and Islam has led you to want to develop programs for dawah as well as be active in the ummah.  May Allah bless and reward you sister for your aspirations and grant you ease in all your future plans.

Yes, it is true that most Muslims do marry young and have children young.  However, it is a safe guard for us to marry thus the emphasis on marrying young.  However many individuals are putting off marriage and children for reasons such as a university, work, family obligations, travel or a desire to do dawah such as yourself.  On the other hand, Some couples do get married young, complete their education and other pursuits and then have children.  So actually sister, it is about what you want and how you want to go about doing it.  You could marry now with an agreement between you and your husband that you will not have children right away, but after you have completed a portion of your goals.  For this to work, he must be in agreement.   You would also need to set a time frame of how long you wish to pursue your goals as well as a  tentative date of when you both would agree to start a family. Perhaps you will find a potential husband who has the same esteemed desires to do dawah and be involved in the ummah and you could do it together.  That would make it much easier to negotiate between the both of you on when may be best to have children.

While having children is a great blessing and joy from Allah swt, you are in thinking it would take up your time.  Having children is a commitment that does require a lot of time, energy and sacrifice.  However, the joys and rewards of having children is numerous.  You may find that if you do choose to marry, you may start desiring children!  Or, you may still feel like you would like to wait a few more years.  The key dear sister is finding a balance in which you can give time to your marriage, your home, your work in the ummah and to your children if you decide to start a family right after marriage.  You may need to cut back on some of your Islamic activities within the ummah yes, as your children and husband will come first.  That is not to say Islam does not come first, it does, however, getting married and having children is an Islamic act which has many blessings and benefits

I would kindly ask you, sister, to look at your options.  You are still young so there is no hurry, but do think about it.   While your family is looking for a suitable partner for you, you may want to decide if you are ready to marry or not.  If after careful consideration and prayer to Allah you feel you are not, let your family know.  If you feel you are but with conditions that you put off starting a family right away, be sure to discuss this with any potential suitor.  Insha’Allah Allah will bless you with a husband who like you, works and also puts in time doing charity work and dawah.  If so, he may fully understand your calling concerning your goals and agree to put off having children until you both are ready.  In either case sister, I suggest that you think carefully about your future and outline your plans and time table; be ready to present your Islamic goals to a potential husband (if you chose to marry now)  and make duaa to Allah to guide you towards what is best for you and your deen.  We wish you the best sister, you are in our prayers.

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