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Raising Positive Kids (Counseling Session)

Hannah Morris
04 May, 2017

Dear Brother/Sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah Morris, for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the answers of the questions below.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions any time to:

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Monday, May. 08, 2017 | 12:00 - 14:00 GMT

Session is over.
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Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

As-salamu alaykom counselor, I need your advice. My daughter is 3 year-old. My father is dying of cancer and she is very close with him. She talks about him constantly. She talks about him more than anyone besides her parents. I'm very concerned about what to do for the viewing and funeral when my dad does pass away. I think it will be traumatic for her. What should I do and how do I explain it to her? I want to make it easy for her, but I'm not sure how to explain it or explain why everyone is crying. I think she will be very concerned to see me cry.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

Death is a very difficult topic for all of us. Even as adults, it is something that we often struggle with. Fortunately, as Muslim’s our beliefs can help to shape our experiences into a more positive one in our remembrance that our life is only temporary and we will all have to return to Allah at some point. As a 3 years old, she may not fully understand this concept, but without even talking about death as such you can begin to educate her on the concept in a way that you know she will understand. Educate her on Allah as the creator and how we all have to go back to him and some point, and now it is time for her grandfather and you can pray together that he will go to Jannah and all the nice things he will see there.

 

As parents, naturally we want to protect our children from negative and painful emotions. Death, however, is an inevitable part of life and something that we all have to face at some point or another and so protecting her from this might not necessarily be the most appropriate way forward. There are, however, numerous ways that you can make things easy for her.

 

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Allow her to grieve. Allow her to cry. These are all natural responses which if she is not allowed to face now, may come back and cause her trouble later in life. Likewise, if you need to cry, then you should not hide it too. This will teach her to hide her true emotions at times when she should really show them in order to get the support of others when she most needs it.

 

Regarding the funeral, you could educate her about it and what will happen, and give her the choice of whether she wants to go. Let her be a part of the decision making.

 

The experience of death can be emotionally draining, so do also remember to do fun things with her too, allowing her to experience grief, but without overwhelmingly so.

 

After his death, talk together about him. Remember the happy times you had together, focusing on the positive rather than the sadness relating to his death. This will help to build up a reliance in her and promote the skills she can use to manage difficult experiences like this again in the future.

 

May Allah bring you ease during this difficult period. May you find comfort in His remembrance. May He reward you intentions to seek assistance in nurturing your daughter to manage difficult times also.

Salaam dear counselor, I'm a mother of a 22 month old daughter who has begun exploring her body. I'm wondering what I should call her body parts with her - specifically her genitals - private parts, girly parts. What would be best for her psychologically? Jazakum Allah khaiaran.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa baraktuh dear sister,

 

Toddlers of this age become very experimental with everything as they explore the world and learn through play. This will usually include exploring their body also. Given that her genitals will be covered u the majority of the time, they become more of a mystery to her than any other part of her body, so naturally, it might seem that she is taking an unhealthy interest in them at times.

 

What you choose to all them is a matter of choice, each family will use different words to describe them. Private parts could be a good choice of words because it describes exactly what they are and will instill in her from a very young age, that these parts of her body are private, and private means that no one should see them or have anything to do with them. Having this attitude from a young age will help to teach her about modestly and covering up for the reasons that Allah has prescribed to us as women.

 

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Using the term private as well may encourage her to also not spend too much time exploring her genitals too, because, whilst children of this age will explore, and need to do so in order to learn about the world, you also have to be careful not making it too ‘normal’ to do so that she feels it is appropriate to do this regularly. If she does continue to explore this body parts in a way that you feel is becoming unhealthy or too much then it is important that you address it with her in an appropriate way for her age.

 

At her age, she won’t see any wrong in what she is doing and therefore scolding her for doing so might lead to some confusion. What you can do however is gently distract her with something that she enjoys to do so she is diverted from what she is doing without making a big fuss out of it. Obviously, on top of this, her genitals should be covered at all times anyway which will also reinforce the fact that these are her private parts and they are not for anyone else to see.

 

May Allah reward you for your good intentions in trying to raise you daughter in the best way.

 

As-salamu `alaikum, my son is 8-yesr-old. His mother and I divorced when he was one year old, he lived with her mother for the first 4 years but over time I've fought for more time and now we split custody almost 50/50. When he was little he would sometimes cry for his mom but not anymore. His mom also has trouble separating from him - she makes goodbyes too long, gets emotional herself, and generally feeds off his sadness. I've tried talking to her about it but nothing changes. Anyway- tonight my son cried at bedtime because he missed his mom. Is this normal at 8? And what should I do about it? I tell him it's okay to miss her but I also think it's related to him getting in trouble before bedtime. I feel bad for him, but I want to help him enjoy his family situation and not play the victim. Any advice?



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh brother,

 

Sometimes marriages just don’t work and will end up with a divorce. When there are children involved this can make things a whole lot more difficult. However, if the parents are not getting on, then the child can have a far better upbringing being brought up by them separately as you are with your wife than staying together and exposing the children to a bad parental relationship, which in many cases has an even worse effect on the child than a divorce! However, managing custody when there has been a divorce can be quite challenging as you are finding out now.

 

Inevitably thing can be very difficult for the child involved and they will be going through a bundle of emotions too and might not quite know how to manage them, so may, as your son is doing, end up crying a lot as they miss their other parent. You are doing the right thing by reassuring him that it’s ok for him to miss his mum. This will help him to understand that you understand how he is feeling and will make it easier for him to talk about his emotions to you during this difficult time.

 

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This will be a great help for him. However, you also express concern that maybe he is just saying this because he can be a bit naughty around bedtime. This may well be the case too, as children in this situation can also learn, that if separation is not managed in such a way that the parents still continue to cooperate with each other beyond the divorce then they can take advantage of this too. With this in mind, you should ensure that any potentially difficult conversations that you might have with his mother are not conducted in his presence. For example, if it is that he heard you tell her to stop making her goodbyes so long and emotional then this may be impacting on his behavior.

 

A way that you could manage his behavior at bedtime is that perhaps you could allow him to make a quick call to his mum before he goes to bed so that he may not be so distressed missing her before he goes to sleep. You could also say your prayers together before bed and include saying a prayer for his mum too and let him feel comforted that he is remembering his mum before bed and that he has asked Allah for good things for her. This way he is not treated as the victim as such and you are still in control of the situation, but you are still answering his needs in a way that allows him to think of his mum in a more positive way before bed, rather than crying because he misses her.

 

In the mean time continue to nurture a loving environment in the home, maintaining your role as a father as the head of the house, but also having fun doing the things he enjoys to do too. This will help to soothe his anxieties around this new situation of shared custody. However, it is important to get the right balance that you don’t over spoil him to compensate for the difficulties of being raised in a split custody agreement, or he may well become a spoilt child and take advantage of this. He also needs to know that life is not all about having fun. There are times for this, but he also has his other responsibilities too; to do his homework, to study the Qur’an..etc.. too.

 

It is a difficult situation for you all to be in, but be assured that if the relationship was not working for you and his mum then the way you are raising him now is better for him. You will face difficulties along the way, but with patience, you will overcome them and learn the most effective approach to managing the situation that will be best for both you, his mum and your son.

 

May Allah bring you all ease during these difficult times and may He give you the patience and strength to continue to persevere for the sake of all involved that your son will grow up to be a strong and pious young man that will be the coolness of your eyes.

 

Salamu Aleikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu. Dear sister/brother, I have been married for 3 years now and Alhamdulillah I can say it has been a blessing. My wife is a really beautiful and religious person and she cares for my parents as if they were her own. She cooks for them, cleans their house and every time we go shopping she remembers to buy them something. The problem is that my mother started insulting my wife for every little thing -from her physical features to her character. I did not notice at first because it started small. For example, my wife started straightening and dying her hair black. I did not question her because I thought she wants to change up her style a little bit. It turns out that my mother taunts her for her appearance because she says a normal egyptian-morroccan does not have brown and curly hair or green eyes. I did not notice a thing for about two months. Her sister told me about the situation (I really feel ashamed for not noticing and I hope I will be forgiven someday). Every attempt of talking to my mother or my wife is blocked. My mother does not even want to listen to my father. I think the reason why the words of my mother hurt my wife so much is because she is trying to look for a mother figure in my mother. Sadly, my mother in-law passed away recently (may her soul rest in peace). At the same time, my wife was pregnant but she lost the child due to depression and stress. We decided to wait for a while before we try to have another child. My mother blames her and makes her feel miserable and worthless. What can I do to make my mother stop? It has gone to the extent that my wife cries herself to sleep every night and she does not eat probably. She is really depressed and I fear that she will become suicidal. The loss of her mother, a child and the rejection of my mother is just too much for her and I do not know how much more she can handle. I really need help solving the situation. I pray to Allah to make everything better but I know it is my responsibility to take action. JazakAllahu khayran



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh brother,

 

May Allah reward you for stepping up and taking the responsibility to help your wife during this difficult time. It is clear how much your wife means to you and you are very concerned about her state of health given how your own mother treats her. Your mother seems to be behaving very inappropriately towards her and whilst you should always respect your mother, she is hurting your wife and this places you in a very difficult position.

 

You might begin by having a gentle word with your mother about how she is treating your wife. You say that any attempt at a conversation is blocked, even if it is not you that initiates the conversation so this may be difficult. If she is aware of why you are wanting to talk to her, it might be that she is anxious to hear what you have to say in anticipation that you might have something bad to say and maybe it will cause difficulties between the 2 of you and the family altogether.

 

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Therefore, ensure to start any conversation in a gentle tone, rather than an accusatory tone. Perhaps let your words about this difficulty come after another conversation to ease any tension and lighten the mood before discussing this issue that might be difficult for both parties. Maybe she doesn’t realize exactly how much her behavior towards your wife is insulting her and making her feel depressed and therefore if she doesn’t know this, she may continue to behave in this way.

 

You could let her know that you think your wife now sees her a mother figure since her own mother passed away recently. This might make her develop more motherly feelings towards her and therefore change her approach towards your wife.

 

At the same time, continue to make your wife feel special and loved in an attempt to counter the effects that the words of your mother are having on her. This way you can indirectly support her without discussing the underlying issue. However, if you feel you could talk to her directly about it, then you could do so too. Let her know that you are aware that your mother’s comments are hurting her and that you don’t agree with what your mother is saying and you understand why it’s making her so upset.

 

In addition to this, or as an alternative if you don’t feel able to address the issue directly with your mother or wife, then you can organize family activities and events that will build family relations and therefore might improve relations with your wife and mother. This could be something as simple as having dinner together or going on an outing together.

It could be an option to ask your wife to step back from taking responsibility for your mother for a while to give your mother a chance to appreciate what your wife does for every day and have the space to reflect on this. This, however, could cause obvious additional difficulties so may not be the path to take depending on what you see would be the outcome in this situation.

 

However, what you could do, is take your wife away on a short holiday (or longer if you like!). This will give you a chance to show your love and appreciate for your wife as well as giving her a temporary break away from your mother’s insults. At the same time, your mother will also then have space away from your wife too to appreciate the good that she does for her every day.

 

May Allah continue to give you and your wife the strength and patience in these difficulties and may He soften your mother’s heart towards your wife.

 

Aswalamualikum, I have a question regarding my dad. When he gets angry he uses very filthy languages. Besides this, my uncle is ill, so my grand mom put the responsibility of my uncle's family on my dad. So, he has to take care of them too, when it comes to bear the expense of them my dad does not say anything, but when we ask our dad about our tuition fees he got angry, though he gave it but still he got angry. Sometimes, when he is at home and salat time arrives and if we say him to go to masjid he does not go to masjid just to make us angrier. And if we oppose any of his acts, he starts screaming. And especially the bad languages what he uses during his anger is decreasing the respect and love for him from my heart. What can I do regarding this? Please let me know.



Wa  alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

Being the victim of someone else’s anger can be very difficult to cope with, especially when the person expressing the anger is someone that you are close to and are in contact with every day and therefore you are subjected to the angry outbursts on a daily basis.

 

The first thing to remember in these cases is that it is not your fault, so do not blame yourself or take responsibility for his actions. However, understandably you are concerned about his behavior and want to help him.

 

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In order to help him most effectively, a good place to begin is to try and understand things from his perspective. It sounds like right now you father is under pressure from a couple of angles; coping with his brother that he has known all his life being ill, whilst supporting both your uncle’s family on top of supporting his own family. This is a big responsibility to bear. People have a different way of managing and coping with such difficulties and for some, they resort to anger.

 

Whilst this doesn’t justify his behavior, because having an angry attitude, is not ok, especially when it is directly to those who do not deserve it. Unfortunately, when people are frustrated they usually do take it out on those close to them, not only because they are just there, but because having such a close relationship with them they are more likely to be the ones that will endure the anger and still forgive them without the consequences that they might face from others that that don’t hold the same kind of unconditional love for them as those who are close to them.

 

Once you have a better understanding as to why he is behaving in this way it might help to ease your feelings to him and therefore change your approach towards his behavior. Firstly, drawing upon advice from the Qur’an, we know we should respond towards negative behavior with that which is better. Therefore, despite his angry outbursts, at the very least respond by simply not saying anything and not snapping back.

 

In fact, as difficult as it might be, try even showing him compassion and love, even if it is difficult. In addition, to be following the advice from Allah it might help him to feel comforted, which might be potentially what is looking for during this difficult time but yet is unable to express it. If you show this love and compassion towards him it will also be very difficult for him to continue to respond angrily towards you.

 

Another thing you could do is encourage him to do something fun. if there is something in particular that he enjoys doing, make an effort to organize something for him and join him in this activity. It will give you the opportunity to show you care as well as giving him the opportunity to see that you care.

 

It will give him the chance to take a break away from the stress he is facing and do something more fun.it will be a chance for him to take his mind off his responsibilities at home for a while. This will be good for him psychologically as well physiologically as well be engaging in an activity that breaks him free of anger if only for an hour or two.

 

This can help to reduce the physical effects of being stressed and angry for such a long period of time, returning his body, even if only temporarily to a calm state. You might even get in touch with someone he knows from the masjid and try and get them to encourage him to go to the mosque. This will let him know that others care, as well as giving him the chance to get out and be around other God-fearing people, which might help to calm his temper too. Likewise, even if it is that you have a hard time persuading him to leave the home, playing the Qur’an in theknows from a useful way to both remind him of Allah as well as evoke a soothing response that might bring his level of anger down.

 

May Allah bring peace into your father’s heart and soften his mood and may He give you the strength and patience to bare these difficulties.

I have two daughters. One is five and other three years. The first one gets along with whatever I do but the three-year-old cries for any reason and gets very angry very soon. How do I stop her from getting angry and keeping her calm? Also how to build positivity in both of them?



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

Raising children is hard work and we will face various difficulties in making the best decision on how to manage certain situations.

 

In your case, there are a few ways that you can consider in managing the behavior of your 3-year-old. It is not unusual for three years old to behave in this seemingly angry and impatient way. Firstly, we have to understand that there could be any number of reasons why she is behaving in this way and if we address the root cause first are more likely to be successful in overcoming this difficulty. Commonly, three-year-olds behave like this because they either fell that they are not being heard, they are trying to get your attention, or they are jealous of other siblings. In all these cases there are various things you can do to build positivity in them.

 

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Ensure you set aside each day to spend time with your 2 daughters individually, giving them each a bit of one to one time with you so they can each have a turn at being the center of your attention. This will make them feel loved and cared for a less in need to have angry outburst to get your attention.

 

In addition to having one to one time, also ensure that you make time for activities that involve you all together. This will support the building of relations between the 2 sisters as well as with you. This way you are less likely to encounter severe sibling rivalry. In your case, you also say that your five-year-old gets on with whatever you do, but the three-year-old does not so be careful that the way you communicate with them does not put across a message that might imply that you are favoring one over the other.

 

Instead, commend your five year old when she does something good and let the three-year-old see this and perhaps feel like she could get your attention and praise if you behaved in the same way, but additionally, when your three-year-old does listen to you and does as you say, even if it is something relatively small, make sure to give her a bit of praise for that too so that she will desire to listen to you more to get you positive attention.

Likewise, in her angry moments, begin by coming down to her level and gently asking her what the problem is and see if you can come up with a resolution. If she does not respond to this then try to avoid giving her attention, preferring to ignore it where possible. This way, she will learn that the only way she makes you happy and gets your attention is when she does something that you like.

 

May Allah reward your intentions to raise your daughters in the best way. May He give you the strength and patience to endure the challenges that come with parenthood. May your daughters grow up to be pious, upstanding pillars of the community who are the coolness of your eyes.

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