Aswalamualikum, I have a question regarding my dad. When he gets angry he uses very filthy languages. Besides this, my uncle is ill, so my grand mom put the responsibility of my uncle's family on my dad. So, he has to take care of them too, when it comes to bear the expense of them my dad does not say anything, but when we ask our dad about our tuition fees he got angry, though he gave it but still he got angry. Sometimes, when he is at home and salat time arrives and if we say him to go to masjid he does not go to masjid just to make us angrier. And if we oppose any of his acts, he starts screaming. And especially the bad languages what he uses during his anger is decreasing the respect and love for him from my heart. What can I do regarding this? Please let me know.
Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,
Being the victim of someone else’s anger can be very difficult to cope with, especially when the person expressing the anger is someone that you are close to and are in contact with every day and therefore you are subjected to the angry outbursts on a daily basis.
The first thing to remember in these cases is that it is not your fault, so do not blame yourself or take responsibility for his actions. However, understandably you are concerned about his behavior and want to help him.
In order to help him most effectively, a good place to begin is to try and understand things from his perspective. It sounds like right now you father is under pressure from a couple of angles; coping with his brother that he has known all his life being ill, whilst supporting both your uncle’s family on top of supporting his own family. This is a big responsibility to bear. People have a different way of managing and coping with such difficulties and for some, they resort to anger.
Whilst this doesn’t justify his behavior, because having an angry attitude, is not ok, especially when it is directly to those who do not deserve it. Unfortunately, when people are frustrated they usually do take it out on those close to them, not only because they are just there, but because having such a close relationship with them they are more likely to be the ones that will endure the anger and still forgive them without the consequences that they might face from others that that don’t hold the same kind of unconditional love for them as those who are close to them.
Once you have a better understanding as to why he is behaving in this way it might help to ease your feelings to him and therefore change your approach towards his behavior. Firstly, drawing upon advice from the Qur’an, we know we should respond towards negative behavior with that which is better. Therefore, despite his angry outbursts, at the very least respond by simply not saying anything and not snapping back.
In fact, as difficult as it might be, try even showing him compassion and love, even if it is difficult. In addition, to be following the advice from Allah it might help him to feel comforted, which might be potentially what is looking for during this difficult time but yet is unable to express it. If you show this love and compassion towards him it will also be very difficult for him to continue to respond angrily towards you.
Another thing you could do is encourage him to do something fun. if there is something in particular that he enjoys doing, make an effort to organize something for him and join him in this activity. It will give you the opportunity to show you care as well as giving him the opportunity to see that you care.
It will give him the chance to take a break away from the stress he is facing and do something more fun.it will be a chance for him to take his mind off his responsibilities at home for a while. This will be good for him psychologically as well physiologically as well be engaging in an activity that breaks him free of anger if only for an hour or two.
This can help to reduce the physical effects of being stressed and angry for such a long period of time, returning his body, even if only temporarily to a calm state. You might even get in touch with someone he knows from the masjid and try and get them to encourage him to go to the mosque. This will let him know that others care, as well as giving him the chance to get out and be around other God-fearing people, which might help to calm his temper too. Likewise, even if it is that you have a hard time persuading him to leave the home, playing the Qur’an in theknows from a useful way to both remind him of Allah as well as evoke a soothing response that might bring his level of anger down.
May Allah bring peace into your father’s heart and soften his mood and may He give you the strength and patience to bare these difficulties.