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Raising Muslim Kids (Counseling Session)

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah for answering the questions.

Answers will be online very soon.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

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Tuesday, Nov. 20, 2018 | 12:00 - 14:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

I have sad news. My son who is 12 years old now has become a right-wing Muslim. He insists that the world is asleep and that our defeat at Andalusia is when we as a Muslim society started to fail. I didn't even know what Andalusia was until he told me. I don't know where he gets these ideas. The issue is that he now wears political shirts. Topics include Iraq, Palestine, and the hijab issue in France. I asked him if he would ever become violent or join a group like ISIS. He said absolutely not, but that he is a Muslim who will use jihad of the pen and mind to combat the injustices of the world. He insists violence is not the answer unless absolutely necessary and that Muslims as a whole have not been doing enough vocal work and being steadfast or patient in our current situation.

He says we must unite and have all Muslims and those who fight injustice to write the government and inform others so change can happen. This is crazy, I say. Most Muslims I know just talk at home and we would never go out in the streets or hand out flyers. He is mad. I told him to stop and he insists he will never, as he has a duty to fight injustice. I don't know what to do. He was such a nice boy before. He was shy and always was silent. Now he prays so much and tries to go to the mosque and be with fellow Muslims all the time. I ask him why he is so extreme and he says he is strengthening his deen (religion). I asked him why all of a sudden he is so different.

He told me that he feels like at an age where he should start being more active in the community. I don't know. The kid is so serious about Islam. We eat KFC chicken sometimes. We know it is not halal meat, but it is once in awhile. He won't eat it now. He told me he never liked it and just wanted to obey me, but now he must obey Allah first, then me. He even tells me I make certain mistakes when reading the Qur'an. My own son. I was very angry at him and he was sorry but said he was only trying to help my recitation to be better.

I don't know what to do with him. Do you have any advice on ways we can stop our son so he is normal and blends in with society? We live in an all-white neighborhood and my son is going around giving people information on Islam door to door night and day. This must stop or we may get in trouble. Thanks for your help.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

This is quite a difficult scenario to be in. Of course, we want our children to be steadfast on the path of our Deen and being with fellow Muslims can help strengthen this and giving dawah by calling our neighbors to the path of Islam is a very honorable thing to do. However, there have also been cases where such people have become extreme and this has taken them far from the path to none that they feel is right, yet we know is wrong.

 

In this case, his sudden change of behavior could be seen as concerning, especially for those who don’t know about Islam as they may see his behavior as the same as those who eventually leave to join ISIS, however, it could also be completely harmless. Many people support political issues such as Palestine and hijab bans but are not extremists, they are simply supporting and protecting our fellow brothers and sister who are being oppressed. If people didn’t speak out about it, then things would not change and our Ummah would continue to suffer. Likewise, with him correcting your Qur’an recitation, this doesn’t have to be seen as a bad thing. We all have a responsibility to correct people on such matters both for our own sake, as well as for the one we are correcting.

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The thing that may be especially difficult for you is that you live in an all-white society and his behavior is not conforming tithe local norm, which may make his behavior seem even more extreme than it actually is.

 

In other places where there are more Muslims who understands the situation for Muslims,  his behavior may be seen as less unusual as there will be others who stand for political injustices too. Of course, to be different in a community like the one you live in will only draw attention to his behavior and highlight concern, but at the same time, to blend in, would not allow you to practice Islam fully as people will notice your unusual way of dress for example.

 

In the case, that you feel there is genuine concern that what he is doing is not in line with Islamic teachings, that perhaps he is being negatively influenced in a way that you should fear that he will join an extremist organization begins by ensuring that mosque he is attending is sound.

 

Ask your husband or any local male relative to do this for you. Get them to check that they are not practicing or preaching an extreme version of Islam so that you can have peace of mind that he is not being guided wrongly by the religious leaders. If they check out, you could have your husband talk to the imam about your concerns. It seems your son is very respectful of the local mosque so he may tale more responsively to the advice of the religious leader in the mosque that he attends. Again, this will help you to feel comfortable that your son is under the guidance of trusted religious leaders and that he is supporting you and collaborating with you for the interests of your son.

Regarding discussions you have with him, perhaps you could suggest making some compromises that will still allow him to do dawah and support political causes, but in a way that is perhaps less extreme, yet achieves the same goal. For example, letting him known that dawah can be given in good character rather than diving straight into the religious element. So, being good to the neighbors will create a sense of trust in him as a Muslim as well as Muslims in general.

 

Him being kind and doing good things in the community will encourage positive views of Islam. This is when discussions in religion can take place as they desire to learn me about the religion practiced by this kind boy and his family. Furthermore, regarding his political stances, instead of making bold statements in the community, you could encourage him to support these causes more practically raising funds to assist the victims or even volunteering to help in some way on a more practical level, helping the victims, for example local refugees suffering at the hands of political challenges.

 

Continue to support your son as long as he is not going against Islam, to challenge him too much may only push him away, especially if what he is doing is Islamically sound. Strengthen you binds as a family son that he will be more likely to listen to your concerns as well as feeling that he has sufficient support at home that he does not need to go and search for this elsewhere with those who may lead him astray.

 

May Allah reward your concern and guide your so and you all on the straight path.


I have four children. One of those children is causing me problems. He lacks good character. I expect my children to pray five times a day and to perform other religious duties, do chores around the home, and get perfect scores in school. However, something very wrong has happened in our home. The child in question got a B+ grade in English. I am so ashamed of him. I asked him why he brought dishonor to our family. He insisted this will never happen again and he is very sorry. We moved to an English-speaking country just over a year now. What can be his excuse? I do not know English well but he is in school learning, so there should be zero excuses. I think he is lazy. How can a boy of good character allow such a thing to happen? All my children have brought home perfect scores in school, until this boy got lazy. My other three children got an A grade in English. They have never done English in school before yet they did what I expected. This boy is testing my patience. I decided he should study four hours a night doing math. However, I find he does not sit straight when doing his work and seems to rest his head on his elbow at times. To correct this problem I went to see a psychologist and a doctor. For some reason, we were unable to determine any problem. I am puzzled. I have been most upset with this situation and have asked him to double his prayers, do his brothers’ and sisters’ chores, and study fours a night every day of the week until he corrects his math marks. He has cried about this and says he is trying so hard to please his family and that he made a mistake. I feel he is trying to get away with this dishonor he has brought upon us. I feel not only is he lazy but maybe manipulative. What can I do to correct this boy's behavior? I am ready to kick him out of the home.



As-salamu Alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh brother,

 

Of course, as a parent we all want our children to perform well and get the best grades in school, but at the same time, not all children are blessed with academic intelligence. If everyone was blessed in such a way the world simply would not work and everyone would be Ann academic and we would have no one to perform jobs that require other skills such as physical skills to do more practical jobs.

 

If no one did such jobs we would all get stuck when our car needs fixing for example. Everyone is different and Allah created diversity in many ways, not just in our physical appearances but in intellect as well amongst other things. This is nothing to be ashamed of as this is Allah’s Will. Nobody should be left to feel that they are not good enough because ether lack in a certain area when the truth is they will excel in a different area. Perhaps your son is not good at maths and English, but his skills may lie elsewhere. Perhaps this might not be in the academic field and perhaps it is not in a sill that is immediately obvious but will become so as he grows older and experiences life more.

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Aside from understanding that we have all been blessed with a variety of skills, it is also important to understand that we all respond differently to demands we face in life. For some people, harsh punishment for poor performance is successful in increasing motivation and improving in performance, but for others, this approach only exacerbates their failure and destroys their psychological well-being as they feel they are not good enough.

 

Such a feeling will only decrease motivation and add to poor performance both because they are not feeling good about themselves,  but because of the added stress which causes their brains to function less effectively. Perhaps this is the case for the child in question. Perhaps reprimanding your other children in the way that you are for this child have proved effective in improving grades, but it doesn’t mean that it will work for this child also,  and it seems that this may be the case.

 

Forcing him to do more housework and pray more could even have a detrimental effect in causing him to associate prayer and chores with failure which will only turn him away from them when he is older and has the choice to do these things himself. The last thing you want to ever happen to this child ifs for them to abandon prayer. It may also cause him to resent his siblings if you compare him to them, and make him don’t their chores, so be aware of this also. If you still feel like taking this kind of approach if you genuinely believe he is just being lazy then trying removing privileges if he does do his homework for example.

 

An alternative approach, that is quite different and may be more compatible with this child is to take a positive approach, rather than focusing on their failings. It is likely that he feels terrible already having performed worse than his sibling and not meeting your expectations. This will be punishment enough for him already. Instead of making him feel bad for this, make him feel good about things he has done well and be more supportive of him improving than feeling upset when he doesn’t.

 

When he achieves anything, however small, make sure to praise him for it. Some children thrive of this type of positive reinforcement. It encourages them to work even harder to seek the pleasure of their parents for example as this is what makes him feel good about himself. This also provides extra motivation to keep working hard which is a very conducive way to ease children out of laziness. Focus on the things that he is good at. It there is a particular subject he does well in, praise his achievements and this will spill over into other subjects also as he strives to per well more generally at school, for his own benefit and to please his loved ones.

 

Most importantly amongst this, pray for him, ask Allah to guide him and to support you in raising good, pious children. Pray together and pray for him in his presence so that he knows that you are supporting him and praying for the best for him. This is also another positive way to boost his motivation as he feels that you are supporting him and praying for his best interests.

 

May Allah reward your desire to assist your children to do their best and may Allah guide you all on the straight path to success in this life and the next.

 


As-salamalaikum.How can I make him respect me, he is very rude and never listens to anything is said. He talks back and has called me a b word and f word.. what should I do? Jzk



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

It is very common in children of this age to behave in this way. This occurs as they reach a stage of moral development where they begin to question those in authority and try and find their place in the world. Unfortunately, this is often directed to those who have had direct auth8over them to this point in their life – usually parents and teachers. In sha Allah it is a stage that will pass as he becomes more comfortable with his place in the world, but that also does not make his behavior acceptable at all and he needs to know that.

 

As a minor, he is still in a position where you could punish him through means of with oldie privileges for example, such as internet time, or games consoles if he uses them, or even being with friends. This is an option, but depending on how he is may or may not be effective another option is to take a more positive approach and focus on taking a collaborative approach.

 

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In discussion with him, discuss the reasons for him behaving this way. Does it happen at a particular time or when something in particular happens? Or is there something going on in this life that you are not aware of? Once you locate the source you can work together to make compromises that will satisfy both yours and his needs. Working together like this will also make him feel less like you are overly exerting authority over him, which is commonly the cause of adolescents rebelling in the way your son is. It will place him in a more equal position in some way that he feels he at least has some say.

 

It will give him a feeling of responsibility that will be more likely to develop the ability to be respectful to you who is working in collaboration with him to help him meet his goals. It will let him know also that it is necessary for you to be there and have a say also but that you are doing so in a supportive way respecting his needs also. Due to having a part in the discussion and plan, he is far me likely to comply to your requests and be respectful of maintaining boundaries. Likewise, in this discussion you can even make an agreement with him about what punishment he should face should he not comply. Again, this is more likely to encourage him to accept such without verbally abusing you as they are rules he has had a part in deciding also.

 

If there are other family members who play a significant role in his life, you could involve them also so that he feels comforted by the support as well as feeling more desire to comply and be more respectful. Or, if there is anyone that you k ow he does respect and listens to perhaps you could ask them to talk to him about the way he talks to you also.

 

Furthermore, do take some time to consider the people he is hanging around with. Is it likely that they could be influencing him to behave in this way? Are they going through the same as him? Are they just behaving in a typical way or is there something more sinister at play. Perhaps you may speak to their parents if you feel they are the source of his difficulties. Also, encourage him to spend time with children his age that you know will be a good influence by attending classes in the masjid or if you have friends with children of the same age.

 

May Allah reward your concern for him and desire to do what is best for him and may He guide your son aright.


As-salamu `alaykum, I have been thinking in my head of things I can’t change in the past and it is mentally affecting me. I am in a second year nursing program and I was supposed to graduate May 2019 and now that will not happen because I got kicked out of the school for failing 2 classes and I keep think in my head over and over again about things I could have done differently.

I feel like a failure and a disappointment to my family and I feel like I let them down. I put in more than 15 thousand in this school and now it’s all for nothing. I feel like my life is over and that I am stuck. This is affecting my salah, I can’t concentrate on anything and I just feel so miserable to the point that I wish I was dead.Thank you



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

First of all, I would urge you to seek counseling as a matter of urgency due to the feeling of wishing you were dead. The school in which you are studying should most likely offer such services. They will be well used to people in the same situation as you presenting and will probably be able to give better and are focused support than counseling sought elsewhere.

 

Given your circumstances, it is understandable why you are feeling so terrible. You have invested a lot in your studies both financially and mentally, yet are not getting back what you have put in as you have failed a couple of classes. This is making you feel like you are letting people down which is only adding to the burden. May Allah make it easy. I hope that you will seek counseling to get some more intensive support, but in the meantime, I hope the words I can provide here will be of some comfort.

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The first thing I would suggest focusing on is not what has happened, but what you can do now. Use what has happened in the past instead to guide you to a better future. We all make mistakes and certainly, there were alternative ways that we could have approached many things in life. Unfortunately, there is nothing that can be done to take that back. However, you can use this to change the future more positively. The things that you feel you could have done differently, don’t hem differently this time. Do them in the ways that you know will be me effective and avoid doing them in the ways that cause you difficulties.

 

In fact, mistakes made in the past can frequently be used to shape an even better future than you expected. For example, if mistakes had not been made then you would not have changed your ways and may have entered trouble later, or even performed poorly. Experiencing failure can actually serve as a brilliant motivation. Having failed before you will now have that added drive to perform better and do so with even more motivation than you would have had otherwise.

 

This motivation will help you to be more committed to your studies and really appreciate all the effort you have put in to reach your end goal. So, you see the time and finances you have put into this do not have to have been in vain, for nothing, but ultimately will be for a good purpose. Perhaps you may have anticipated a more smooth outcome and in sha Allah you will reach the same outcome, only you will be taking a different and more enriching route than you had expected.

 

Perhaps you feel like you have let your family down, but if they have nt actually told you this then you don’t know that they truly feel this way. If you have worked hard, they will have seen that and will appreciate that, or if you did not and they saw that they will be able to see how hard you are trying to change things around. If you feel comfortable to, maybe you could even address them about what you’re going through so that they support you over the coming year to fix things.

 

Having this added support will be very helpful in moving forward. Everyone experiences failure at some point in life and it’s this experience that equips to deal with again in the future because almost inevitably it will, but this is what helps is to build resilience and the skills to deal with various situations. Your family will have experienced this in some way or another in their life so will likely be more understanding of your situation than you perhaps realize.

Regardless or whether you are or are not able to talk to them and win their support, try to get involved other non academic things also. Things that will give you an emotional release from focus from all things academic. It’s easy to become overwhelmed in your situation and focus on nothing else, forgetting that there are other things to be done too. Take time to be with friends and do things for social pleasure and fun also. It will take you mind off your situation and help you remember that there’s more to life to be focused in also. It will also give you a break from the negativity to focus on the good things in your life.

 

May Allah make it easy for you and grant you resolve to this situation. May He grant you success in this life and the next