As-Salamu Alaikum. We got married a year ago. My husband left after 20 days for abroad where he earns his living. I live with my in laws and they are generally nice people. My husband is generally a nice person, too, and whenever he does anything wrong with me, I ask him in a gentle and polite manner about it, but he doesn’t answer me. He only says that I am taking it wrongly and he won’t give any reason. He never accepts his mistakes. Instead, he would act as if he is not even listening to me. Sometimes, he starts talking to me normally on other things but won’t say anything about his mistakes. Sometimes he won’t talk to me for days even if he was wrong. In the end, it is always me who makes efforts to make him talk to me again. I never share anything between us with anyone to maintain his respect in my family and friends. Also, my family doesn't want to hear anything and wants me to tackle my issues in my own way. I maintain good relations with all his family members and I treat them nicely, although his family is bossy and tells me to spend less money, even if we can afford something expense. I was once frustrated with his attitude and made jokes about what he does to me in front of his family members. They liked the joke but his aunt attacked me defending him. Since then I lost all the respect which I used to have. Now, I feel completely alone because I can’t share my feelings with anyone. I cannot find any support.
As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,
Any situation, big or small, can be ever more difficult when it feels like there is no support, or no one to share feelings with. So, it is understandable why this makes you feel bad right now.
It’s not easy to admit when you are wrong, and this is likely why your husband was not ready to make any apologies or say anything about his mistakes. Usually, the easiest thing to do when we get something wrong is to just avoid it and wait for the situation to pass so you don’t have to face it; therefore, you can avoid any embarrassment. Nobody likes to feel embarrassed, so naturally we tend to do the best we can to avoid embarrassing situations.
Ultimately, as Muslims, when we are the victim of someone’s wrong doings, we can find comfort in the fact that Allah (swt) is the One who knows the truth, who knows all our wrongdoings; therefore, we do not need to make a big show of it.
However, it should be noted that when a person wrongs someone, it is important for them to seek the forgiveness of the person who they wronged as well as of Allah (swt). They need to apologize. It is difficult when you feel like you are the one who has to make all the effort to make things stable between the two of you again, but perhaps, when you are at this point and he is over the immediate potential embarrassment, you could try talking to him about it. It might be that by then he will be more receptive to hear from you about how his behavior has upset you.
Avoiding to talk about it is what encourages him to continue to behave in such a way. He knows that if he says nothing and doesn’t talk to you for a few days, you will forget about it and not broach the issue with him again. Picking these calm moments will make discussion about it a lot more comfortable.
You might also apply this to the current situation with his family. Put yourself in their shoes. Nobody likes to hear insults (even as a joke) about our loved ones, and naturally we will get defensive in such situations. It seems like this is what has occurred in this situation. Imagine how you would feel if someone made such a comment, even as a joke, about one of your close family members. Even when things are said as a joke, many will also find it offensive, especially given that you say you made these comments when you were feeling frustrated. So, much like in the situation you have with him, but the other way around where you feel he has wronged you, it may be that the best thing you can do to regain respect in the family is to make an apology to him and to his family and ask forgiveness from Allah (swt).
Generally, it is best to keep issues between husband and wife to themselves without going outside. Especially because friends or family most likely are going to take sides as hard as they might try to take a neutral perspective. Keeping issues within the home, however, can only be done if the husband and wife are both willing to sit down and talk openly together and make compromises when necessary.
If the issue can be resolved, then seeking counselling together or going to an imam would be the best way to settle any problems between the husband and wife as they are more able to take a neutral stance that would be most beneficial to both you and your husband.
May Allah (swt) help you to overcome these difficulties. May He (swt) place happiness and contentment in your relationship.