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Pre-Marital & Marriage Counseling

Hannah Morris
24 February, 2017

Dear Brother/Sisters,

Thank you for submitting your questions. We sincerely hope you found our counselor’s answers beneficial.

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Tuesday, Feb. 28, 2017 | 12:30 - 14:30 GMT

Session is over.
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My family does not really take care of cleanliness. For example, my sister-in-law’s baby vomited on her and I told her to change the cloth and the blanket. She changed her clothes, but next day when I came back from work, I saw the same T-shirt on her. She hasn’t washed it. The blanket was full of stains of vomiting as well. I have been suffering from OCD; I feel everything is impure around me. I went to the doctor who gave me tablets, but they haven’t helped.



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum,

OCD can have such profound effects on all aspects of one’s life and can be very debilitating. The good news is that you recognize that it is a problem for you and have sought help from your doctor. Even though the tablets you were prescribed don’t seem to be working for you, the very fact that you are actively seeking help with this problem is a good sign that you are trying all you can to overcome this difficulty.

From an Islamic perspective, OCD is generally viewed as a problem of Shaytaan’s whispers. In this case, the cure prescribed is to seek refuge from Shaytaan and remain as close to Allah (swt) as possible in all that you do in order to ward of the whispers. To do this, you need to try keeping Allah (swt) in mind as much as possible, mention His name before everything you do, and remain steadfast in worshipping. This way, Allah (swt) will always be in your mind which will keep Shaytaan at bay, in sha’ Allah. Try to increase your acts of worship at this time; pray more voluntary prayers, read the Qur’an more and make dhikr regularly. Even playing and listening to the Qur’an can help, too. It maybe that you need to do this gradually, but the more you remember Allah (swt), the less impact Shaytaan can have on you.

Additionally, look back to times when you felt something is impure, and ask yourself: what were the consequences? Did anything bad come out of something being impure, or simply, a bit dirty? Your sister-in-law’s baby with the sick on the T-shirt might have been unpleasant, but did anything bad come of it? Did anybody get hurt? And what’s the worst that could happen? Maybe it might get a bit stinky, but nothing bad could really come of this for example.

To overcome such thoughts, you might work on simply accepting your thoughts rather than resisting them. Often fighting such thoughts can only make them stronger. Instead, work on naturally ridding yourself of such thoughts through the remembrance of Allah (swt) so the thoughts may not even enter your mind in the first place. Additionally, accepting them and not resisting them will let Shaytaan know that you are paying no attention to them, and His efforts are fruitless. A psychologist will be able to help you to address your problem in this way, focusing on your thought processes. It can be very hard work and will require effort and patience on your part, but it is possible to overcome these thoughts.

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May Allah (swt) bring you ease with your OCD and help you to successfully overcome it.

Salam,

As-Salamu Alaikum. We got married a year ago. My husband left after 20 days for abroad where he earns his living. I live with my in laws and they are generally nice people. My husband is generally a nice person, too, and whenever he does anything wrong with me, I ask him in a gentle and polite manner about it, but he doesn’t answer me. He only says that I am taking it wrongly and he won’t give any reason. He never accepts his mistakes. Instead, he would act as if he is not even listening to me. Sometimes, he starts talking to me normally on other things but won’t say anything about his mistakes. Sometimes he won’t talk to me for days even if he was wrong. In the end, it is always me who makes efforts to make him talk to me again. I never share anything between us with anyone to maintain his respect in my family and friends. Also, my family doesn't want to hear anything and wants me to tackle my issues in my own way. I maintain good relations with all his family members and I treat them nicely, although his family is bossy and tells me to spend less money, even if we can afford something expense. I was once frustrated with his attitude and made jokes about what he does to me in front of his family members. They liked the joke but his aunt attacked me defending him. Since then I lost all the respect which I used to have. Now, I feel completely alone because I can’t share my feelings with anyone. I cannot find any support.



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,

Any situation, big or small, can be ever more difficult when it feels like there is no support, or no one to share feelings with. So, it is understandable why this makes you feel bad right now.

It’s not easy to admit when you are wrong, and this is likely why your husband was not ready to make any apologies or say anything about his mistakes. Usually, the easiest thing to do when we get something wrong is to just avoid it and wait for the situation to pass so you don’t have to face it; therefore, you can avoid any embarrassment. Nobody likes to feel embarrassed, so naturally we tend to do the best we can to avoid embarrassing situations.

Ultimately, as Muslims, when we are the victim of someone’s wrong doings, we can find comfort in the fact that Allah (swt) is the One who knows the truth, who knows all our wrongdoings; therefore, we do not need to make a big show of it.

However, it should be noted that when a person wrongs someone, it is important for them to seek the forgiveness of the person who they wronged as well as of Allah (swt). They need to apologize. It is difficult when you feel like you are the one who has to make all the effort to make things stable between the two of you again, but perhaps, when you are at this point and he is over the immediate potential embarrassment, you could try talking to him about it. It might be that by then he will be more receptive to hear from you about how his behavior has upset you.

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Avoiding to talk about it is what encourages him to continue to behave in such a way. He knows that if he says nothing and doesn’t talk to you for a few days, you will forget about it and not broach the issue with him again. Picking these calm moments will make discussion about it a lot more comfortable.

You might also apply this to the current situation with his family. Put yourself in their shoes. Nobody likes to hear insults (even as a joke) about our loved ones, and naturally we will get defensive in such situations. It seems like this is what has occurred in this situation. Imagine how you would feel if someone made such a comment, even as a joke, about one of your close family members. Even when things are said as a joke, many will also find it offensive, especially given that you say you made these comments when you were feeling frustrated. So, much like in the situation you have with him, but the other way around where you feel he has wronged you, it may be that the best thing you can do to regain respect in the family is to make an apology to him and to his family and ask forgiveness from Allah (swt).

Generally, it is best to keep issues between husband and wife to themselves without going outside. Especially because friends or family most likely are going to take sides as hard as they might try to take a neutral perspective. Keeping issues within the home, however, can only be done if the husband and wife are both willing to sit down and talk openly together and make compromises when necessary.

If the issue can be resolved, then seeking counselling together or going to an imam would be the best way to settle any problems between the husband and wife as they are more able to take a neutral stance that would be most beneficial to both you and your husband.

May Allah (swt) help you to overcome these difficulties. May He (swt) place happiness and contentment in your relationship.

Salam,

As-Salamu Aleikom. I'm married and have 4 kids. I have been married for more than 20 years. The problem is that I don't have any feeling toward my husband for few years. We tried to improve our relationship, but it failed. I stayed in my marriage because of my kids only. The situation become worse as my husband has health problems for more than 10 years. Our sex life is very poor since then, but for 2 years, it has become even worse; 2-3 times a year. This made me become emotionally unstable and stressful. My husband suggested a few times that I left him because he doesn't want me to suffer, but I refused because of my kids. How can I survive in my marriage now without love and sex? Am I doing the right thing, scarifying my own happiness and desires for my kids? I need 'a real husband'. Hope you can advice me.



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam wa Rahmatulahi wa Barakatuh,

It sounds like you are in a difficult situation where, despite trying, your marriage of 20 years still does not seem to be working. This makes you very unhappy as you feel your needs are not being met. However, for the sake of your children, you have done your very best to stick around.

Certainly, there is much evidence to suggest that it is best for children to be raised in an environment where both the mother and father are around in a stable family home. However, there are times where the mother and father, despite their best efforts, are not able to live together in a stable family home. This can also have a negative impact on the children as they see both their parents living in unhappiness; therefore, they will naturally feel unhappy, too. So, in such cases, even though the parents are still married together, the children can be as unhappy, if not more than those whose parents have been divorced and living apart. In fact, if the parents are happier living apart, then this can be even better than if they live together unhappy.

As your children grow older, you also need to think of the impact that this situation might have on them and how this will affect their view of marriage. What will they expect from marriage when the time comes to it?

However, if you decide to stick around, there are also other things you could do to fulfill some of the needs that are currently missing in your life and bring you the happiness you have been lacking. For example, it might be that you take up a new hobby, especially one that requires you to mix with others. This way, you will get the needed social interaction in a positive way and this will bring you happiness, too. It will also give you a sense of achievement as you achieve something new. This will also be a way to boost your mood. Furthermore, your children will also see you happy and not necessarily attribute your current lack of happiness to that of being in an unhappy marriage.

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Either way, it is your choice to make. It is an important decision for you to make so is one you should think carefully about. Consider the consequences of both option and the impact this could have on yourself, your husband, and children. Make istikhara and ask Allah (swt) to guide you to make the best decision.

May Allah (swt) bring you all happiness in whatever way that may be, and may He (swt) guide you to make the best decision.

Salam,

 

It's halal when the sperms want to go in to the virgin, but the penis gets removed to come out it? (Interrupted Intercourse)



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum wa Rahmatulahi wa Barakatuh,

There are a number of opinions on this as well as with contraception. Generally, we are encouraged to have children and grow the Ummah.

It was narrated from Aishah that the Messenger of Allah (swt) said:

“Marriage is part of my sunnah, and whoever does not follow my sunnah has nothing to do with me. Get married, for I will boast of your great numbers before the nations. Whoever has the means, let him get married, and whoever does not, then he should fast for it will diminish his desire.” (Ibn Majah)

However, there are occasions where having children can have detrimental consequences for the mother or the child, in which case, many scholars would agree that interrupted intercourse is ok.

“Narrated Jabir: We used to practice coitus interrupt us while the Qur’an was being revealed. Jabir added: We used to practice coitus interrupt us during the lifetime of Allah’s Messenger (saw) while the Qur’an was being Revealed.” (Sahih al-Bukhari)

What is important is to determine the reason why interrupted intercourse is being engaged in. If it is for Islamically permissible reasons, then most scholars would say this is ok. But if it is the case that the husband or wife are being denied something – either pleasure or a child-, then it is generally stated that this method is disliked.

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There are many reasons why people might chose to delay having a child, especially when they are young and are in the early days of marriage. Having a child is a very daunting prospect. It creates a lot of change in one’s life. Some of these changes can be very difficult to adjust to, but at the same time, having a child can be very fulfilling.

Certainly, early in a marriage, couples like to have the time to get to know one another and enjoy life together before having children and this is often why newly married couples like to take their time at the start. On the other hand, having children early on, whilst you are younger, you may find easier to manage whilst you have more energy. It also gives you the opportunity to have more, if you desire to have a large family. It is a difficult, but very important decision to make and one that you need to take consideration of these points, including those of the Islamic perspective, in order that you and your wife will make a decision that you will both be happy and content with.

May Allah (swt) guide you on the straight path and guide you to make decisions that are most pleasing to Him.

Salam,

 

Salam Aleikom dear counselor. I have some problem with my husband. I am a convert from the West, he is a born Muslim from the Middle-East. We live in the West for a few years. We don't have kids yet. My problem is that I feel my husband is bossy sometimes and uses ways to "punish me" which are unacceptable in the West, and for me. He is a nice guy although he is quite introvert while I am more of an extrovert type of person. That is already a problem as I love going out, meeting my friends and family, do this and that, while it is really hard to get him moved out of the house. Surely, he works a lot during the week, so he feels less willing to do something in the weekend. I admit I try but fail to handle this issue as well. But the main problem: he thinks that as a wife I must ask permission from him for everything I am willing to do. I basically have no personal choice over my life. Surely, I tell him everything, but I feel it's nonsense that rather than just sharing with him my plans for the day/week - which are completely ordinary, I mean I don't meet bad people, in bad places, or do something haram - I need to asks his permission, and he feels entitled to refuse them any time without reason. I did not know of this part of his personality before marriage, and I would say even in the first times either. Usually he does not refuse anything, I admit, but just the fact makes me feel like a child that he thinks this way. And when we have some misunderstandings between us, then he wants to gain back his "manly respect" by bossing around and restricting everything. I cannot meet my parents (they are divorced) because I just decided by myself to meet them without asking permission from him before; I cannot sleep over my dad when he is alone for a few days. He threatens with divorce, and has tried to throw stuff like a pillow to me when he is angry. He has never kicked me, but i am sometimes scared of him. I am confused what to do with him, how to handle this situation. He is always mentioning that hadeeth about the the husband is the head of the family, the decision maker, but I feel we see this role from different perspectives.



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,

Intercultural marriages come with extra challenges to marriages from within the same culture. It can be a great experience to learn about other cultures, but it can also present with many challenges, especially when it comes to crucial issues central to the home and the marriage and both partners have completely different perspectives on the issue. To you, the way you wish to live seems perfectly acceptable to you, and likewise to him, what he expects from you is perfectly acceptable to him. This is based on the kind of environments that you would both have been used to growing up.

The key in such situations is to be able to work together to understand each other and see things from their perspective. You both need to develop a respect for one another’s opinions and try to come to some kind of agreement that will satisfy both of you. In such situations, it is likely that you will both have to make some compromises in order for this middle ground to be met. For the sake of a happy marriage and a comfortable environment, making a small amount of compromise is preferable in order to continue living a life that each other is happy with. It is difficult when these traits only become apparent after marriage, but with effective communication, it is possible to make things work, in sha’ Allah.

The only way such compromises can come about is to sit down and talk about it. He is correct that the husband is that of the decision maker, but there are also conditions on this. Just because he is the decision maker, it does not mean that he should not take the wife’s perspective and needs into account. This also does not mean he should place unnecessary restrictions on the wife. He should, however, protect the wife from harm or getting into potential situations where she may end up going against the command of Allah (swt).

So, for example, in this case, it may be that he does not forbid you to go out at all, but may ask you to go out less and communicate with you what his concerns are about you going out so much. Maybe there is a reason why he dislikes it and it’s important for you to understand why he wants to place such restrictions on you so that you may discuss this and potentially come up with a compromise. It may be that he has a genuine concern about you going out as much as you do, and if he can explain this to you, then it will be easier for you to understand why he wants to place such restrictions on you. Perhaps he is worried that, given the current status of things in the West, you might be a victim of an attack, in which case he might have a justified reason to prefer you not to go out as much to protect your safety. You may come up with a compromise that you might till go out, but perhaps less, or that you always let him know when you go out and get back so he can be sure of your safety.

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It maybe that he doesn’t realize how much he is hurting you by putting these restrictions on you, in which case you would have to let him know in order that he can understand how it’s effecting you. Maybe there is another reason behind his actions, but you will only be able to find out by talking about it.

Another way to overcome such difficulties in an intercultural marriage is to strive to learn more about the culture of the other spouse. This way, the other spouse will feel happy that you are eager to learn more about their background. It will also make it easier to understand another viewpoint and the reason people live different lives in the way they do, with different expectations. It might be that you two take time also to sit down and lay out each other’s expectations of one another. This way, you are both openly aware of what he expects of you, and likewise, he is aware of what you expect of him.

May Allah (swt) bring you peace and contentment in your marriage and help you to overcome the difficulties that you are facing right now.

Salam,