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Parents & Teen Relationships (Counseling Session)

Hannah Morris
18 July, 2017

Dear Brother/Sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah Morris, for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the answers of the questions below.

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Thursday, Jul. 20, 2017 | 12:00 - 14:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

I have recently been informed by a family member and friends that my daughter age 16 has been going out with a boy, this boy is openly defaming her in the local area so I am assuming the relationship is over. I have always had (or thought I had) an open relationship with my daughter and she knows that dating is wrong in Islam. She fasts and prays her salah, and is a very obedient child. This news has shaken me to the core, and I am deeply hurt by this misuse of our trust. I honestly do not know how to handle the situation, I will confiscate her phone and laptop immediately. But I don't know how to talk to her calmly and how to manage the situation without alienating her but also opening her eyes to the seriousness of the situation. Also, should I be asking her details about the relationship, I have so many questions which are driving me insane. I make constant dua to Allah to keep my children on the straight path, any specific Duas would be appreciated too and any dua to help me talk to her without losing my patience. Jazak Allah khair



As-salamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh dear sister,

 

The news of what your daughter has been up to has understandably shocked you. She is very obedient and practising Islam well, alhamdulilah, but it seems that despite this she has done something that is not acceptable in Islam. This is especially difficult for you as her mother to stomach as you will be left feeling like you did something wrong or fearing the punishment of Allah for her behaviour, despite doing your level best to ensure that has been raised in the best way.

 

You are probably feeling very upset, but pretty angry at the same time as it is like she betrayed your trust. So, the first thing you need to be aware of is how we can behave quite irrationally when we are feeling this way. It is quite a natural response to betrayal and this is fine, but you have to ensure that you manage your feelings wisely so as not to push her further away and seek other haram pastimes to occupy her time. So, make sure that you only approach her to talk about it when you are in a calm place mentally. This way you can speak to her in a calm tone that she is more likely to respond to positively. If you approach her in a state of anger, she is less likely to listen to what you have to say.

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When you do talk to her, try to take a more sympathetic tone than disappointing tone. If she has been defamed locally she is likely feeling upset and even embarrassed about what she has done. She may even be feeling regret. If this how she is feeling she will need support, rather than to be shouted at. Shouting at her will only make her feel even worse about what she has done.

 

But, if you can be gentle with her she will be more likely to open with you about the situation and it will maintain the strong ties that you already have. Instead of punishing her for what she has done, instead, you can work on what lessons she has learned and how she can behave differently in the future to avoid such embarrassing situations occurring again.

 

She has unfortunately discovered the natural consequences of haram actions like having a boyfriend and there is nothing that can be done now to turn the clock back, but everything can be done to make the future a more positive one. She has learnt why Allah has forbidden such things and hopefully it has given her an insight into why it’s important to follow the commands of Allah.

 

So, to see things in a positive light, whilst it was a terrible thing to have done, there are many good lessons that she can take from it to improve her future. Unfortunately, as humans we all make mistakes, but what’s important is how we use these to make something better of ourselves. Since she is 16, and you have a good relationship with her you can support her To do this.

 

Never give up on making du’a for your children and Allah will here you and reward your patience with the tests that raising children brings.

 

May Allah reward you for doing all you can to raise your children on the path of Islam and may Allah keep your children on the straight path to be upstanding pillars of the community.

For as long as I can remember, my parents have been fighting. This has happened at a minimum of once a month and most of the time it gets out of hand and my father threatens my mother with a divorce. He hasn't actually given one yet but I'm not sure if he won't. My mother has done the absolute most for our family and she supports my father in every way but when it comes to his family and her family, the arguments get out of control. My father's mother was quite verbally abusive towards my mother and his sister was slightly similar in this way. However, my father's mother now has passed away and so has his father. His sister lives in another country and this was all around 8-9 years ago. Currently, my father doesn't like my mother's family one bit and always takes the argument towards her family even when the subject is completely different. He always verbally abuses her on the fact she does not pray and says Allah has given him rights to ask about this. Although he is right, he abuses these rights and takes advantage. I honestly admit that my mother there does not pray all the time but she does try. Most of the time she is too tired and she does have arthritis. But the thing about my mother is that she can not keep her mouth shut and always answers back which enlarges the fight. I am writing this currently as my parents have just had a fight. I am desperate for any dua that you can give me or any other way to help my parents as it is destroying my life. I am not doing well on school and it is difficult to think of anything else apart from my parents. I have asked Allah for forgiveness and mercy for both of them and to create peace in our household but so far my dua has been in vain. Please make dua for us and I will accept and advice with open hands. Jazakallah



As-salamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh brother,

 

May Allah reward your concern for your parents are your persistence in making du’a to see them out of their difficulties. It is unfortunate that as their child you are also suffering as much as they are for the problems that are between them and it is even effecting your schooling.

 

Firstly, my advice is to never give up on your du’a. Continue asking Allah to guide them. Allah is hearing everything and will answer your prayer in the most perfect way when the time is right. You just need to have complete faith that Allah will do this. Once you have this firm faith you will find you distress eased to some extent in the confidence that Allah will rescue them.

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However, in the mean time, this does not take away the fact that it is very distressing for you to be seeing every day. It is important that you do what you can to take care of yourself. Give yourself some space to think of something other than your parents. Do something that enjoy. If there are any clubs at school that you can join then in would encourage you to do so. This will provide you with a positive distraction from your parents’ behaviour as well as the chance to do something motivating with yourself. Having this little bit of positivity in your life will support you psychologically in dealing with the difficulties you face at home.

 

At 13 there is little you can do directly to help your parents (except to continue with your du’a and show them both your live towards them), but you might consider asking your local imam about the situation so that he could support you and mutually intervene in supporting your parents through their difficulties.

 

It is a challenge for you as much as it is for them and Allah will reward you for remaining steadfast during this time and will bring ease to you.

 

May Allah reward you and bring you ease during these testing times. May He put love between your parents and make them the coolness of each others eyes and you of theirs

My parents have been like that for 24 years; they argue over stupid things. There hasn't been a day without them arguing. I have 7 siblings including me they fight and they don't know how much we are suffering. I'm tired making day for them because they always end up fighting, and they don't listen. My mom suffers from anxiety and depression, we can't even say a word to her, whatever we say she says we are wrong. She gets upset over little things. My dad sleeps in his car and barely comes home, there's nothing else we can do. They fight every day, please I need some advice.



As-salamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

It is understandable why you feel so distressed seeing the 2 people that you love dearly constantly arguing and that they have been like this for such a long time. What is making it especially tough is that they don’t realise how much it is hurting you as their child.

 

The fact that they have been like this for so long almost suggests that it has just become a habit now; that it tells only way they know how to function as a couple. Certainly, as time goes on in a marriage things do change and often the ‘spark’ that was once there fades, but arguing every day is not the way to a healthy marriage.

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It is not your responsibility to fix difficulties in their marriage and you have to be careful about interfering too much in their marriage, but even if only for the sake of your own psychological health there are some things you could do to try and help.

 

You could try and organise to all go out somewhere together as a family and enjoy each others company. If finances allow then you could all go for dinner together, or if not, go somewhere nice together and have a picnic. Often families forget to do these things together to nurture and renew the love for one another. It’ll be a chance for everyone to get out and do something positive together and break the chain of negativity that currently exists in the household. Simply getting out of the place where these negative conversations happen can be a refreshing change.

 

Another thing you can do as well as enjoying family time out together is to appreciate them individually also. Pamper them individually, take them out somewhere that they love to go and show your appreciation for them individually and show them how much you love them. If they are not showing love to each other,  at least as their children you can give them the love that they are lacking in their own relationship. It’ll give them the chance to remember what it feels like to feel loved as well as giving you a chance to bond with them individually and boost their own wellbeing individually. In sha Allah this will then have a positive impact on the home in general as they feel more content and at ease with themselves.

 

It might take time for things like this to have an effect and they may even be objective about it at first, but in sha Allah in time they will come to appreciate it and their relationship will get stronger again as they come to break out of the negative habit of fighting that they presently have.

 

May Allah reward your concern for your parents and make it easy for you to remain strong. May He plants love between their hearts once more and make them the coolness of each other’s eyes.

Salam Alikom wa rahmatoh Allah wa barkatoh. What is the right way to handle parents in Islam especially my mother who is so tough, harsh, gets angry very easily, shouts and screams at my face almost every single day for trivial things, very controlling, very judging, always thinks she is one who is right? I've been facing this very unhealthy relationship with my parents since I was a very young kid especially my mother. I've been going through so much emotional abuse because of them. My mother in her anger period ( For trivial reasons ) would hurt me so much with her words, she would make Du'a against me. For example: May this car crush you, or may Allah gives you paralysis, she would keep shouting, cursing me, and screaming at my face. They would force me to do things, wear things, just because they want the people outside to say: Oh, how religious your daughter are! My parents are very religious, but because of their actions, and the way they explain Allah's deen to me, they make it very complicated to me. There were periods in my life where I disliked deen because of them, because of their way. Have never felt love, mercy or respect from them, only when I'm sick. They always belittle me, curse me. If I made a wrong for example, like a wrong I wasn't aware of it, they would make my life a piece of hell. I'm so damaged from inside, and I don't know what to do anymore. There was a time when I wanted to end my life because of them, I know it's Haram, but this time I was about to lose my brain, couldn't handle it anymore. I wish if I can love them as Allah requested us to do, but how can I love someone who has been hurting me and causing me damage much since I was a kid till now? Please advice me, and help me. Jazak Allah Khairan.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

This is a very distressing situation for you to be and it is completely understated why you feel like you are losing your mind. What you describe could actually be classed as abuse, especially since it is having such a profound effect on your daily life, to the point that you even felt like leaving Islam and even ending your life at some point. Abuse does not have to be physical, verbal attacks that belittle you is also abuse.

 

As you say,  Allah does make it clear that we should love and respect our parents, but understandable in your situation, you find this difficult when they have caused so much damage. The words that they have used towards you and the du’as they have made against you are completely unIslamic.

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This is not the actions of someone who is striving to please Allah so please also understand that none of this is your fault, but the sin is on them in this case. As you have the responsibility to respect them, they also have responsibilities to be good to you as their child also and they will be accountable for their actions towards you. Given their behaviour, it will naturally be difficult to love and respect them in the way you feel you should, but what you can do is make sincere du’a for them. Ask Allah to guide them and to soften their hearts.

 

There are a couple of things you can try to do to ease your situation. Given that you said at least some point you considered leaving Islam, it would be encouraged to increase your connection with Islam by making sure to continue practicing daily as well as connection to the Qur’an and Deen by perhaps join a class of other sisters in learning Qur’an or about various aspects of Islam.

 

This will not only give you a chance to learn more and get closer to Allah which will bring you comfort alone, but it will also be a chance to mix with other sisters too. When going through difficult times as you are, having a strong social network can be vital in overcoming the psychological impact of the abuse you have faced.

 

In addition to Islamic or Qur’an classes do also ensure to keep busy with a hobby. If you have one already then you could join a group with others who have the same interest or even try something new. This will again support you in establishing a strong social network, but it will also give you a positive sense of achievement as you do something fun and positive.

 

It is also recommended that perhaps you take some time away from your parents and limit contact during this time. This will give you a chance to be free from the abuse for a time and have the chance to relax without worrying about the negative words you will face from them.

 

It will also give them the space to miss you and perhaps reflect on their behaviour towards you and appreciate you more as they miss your presence. As their child you are an easy target for them because they know they can take all their anger and frustration out on you and as their daughter you will live them back unconditionally. If you take time away from them then they will have to learn alternative ways to deal with their frustrations.

 

May Allah guide your parents and soften their hearts and may He bring you comfort in His remembrance.

 

Asalaamu Ailaikum, My kids were born Muslim. My daughter who is almost 20 now and is completely reliant on me is giving me some stress.She wears hijab, prays etc but also likes to hang out with her non-Islamic cousins and likes to go on trips with them. I sometimes don't know what they are up to. How hard should I pull back? Even though I explain that many of the behaviours of her companions are un Islamic, she treats it as not serious and sometimes even justifies their behaviour. I am trying to balance between being a strict parent and allowing her some freedoms. I don't want to be judged by Allah as not having done my job well. What should I do? Please help.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

This is a struggle that many parents go through as their children get older. When you see your child doing something that seems to be taking her away from the Deen naturally you feel distressed and rightly worry about how Allah will judge you as a parent. At the same time there is the concern that if you are too strict with her it may push her away even further and then she might be even more inclined to do all the things that she shouldn’t be doing.

 

At the age of 20, she is a mature adult and accountable for her own actions. Alhamdulilah, she wears hijab and prays which is a good foundation for iman The fact that she sticks to this reassuring that she is following the correct path.The concern, however, is about what she is up to with her non-Muslim cousins.

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There are a couple of ways you can approach this. You could try being completely open and honest about it and have an honest chat with her about it. Let her know your concerns for her own well-being and faith, and also about yours too and how you fear Allah’s judgment of you also for the times when she engages in behaviour that is Islamically inappropriate.

 

You could also take a more indirect approach too which doesn’t involve talking to her directly about the situation if you are concerned that this sort of conversation with her would be unhelpful. You could instead sign up to some kind of Islamic classes together, either locally or online if there is nothing local. This will serve multiple purposes. Firstly and most importantly, it’ll increase you both in Islamic knowledge.

 

This will, in turn, strengthen iman and make her less likely to engage in behaviours that are not appropriate for Muslims as she gets closer to Allah and comes to realise the benefits of staying on the straight path and away from sin. It will also give the of you a chance to bond further and be more comfortable to talk about her cousins’ behaviour when you are comfortable as well as making her more likely to listen to and take on board your concerns.

 

Furthermore, it will place you in an environment with other sisters seeking knowledge also. It will give her the space to befriend other sisters her age who you can feel more comfortable for her to spending time with.

 

In line with the last point, even if it is not that you sign up to classes together, simply being involved in any activities organised by the local Muslim community will also provide such opportunities for your daughter to become friends with other sisters who could be a better influence on her. As she builds these friendships too, she will become less reliant on you which as you state is presently causing you such stress.

 

This way you can feel.more comforted also that she is spending time with people who are less likely to be engaged in Islamically inappropriate behaviour.

 

May Allah reward your efforts to make sure your daughter remains in the correct path. May He guide your daughter aright and make her the coolness of your eyes.

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