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Parents and Teen Relationships (Counseling Session)

Hannah Morris
05 November, 2018

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah for answering the questions.

Answers will be online very soon.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

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Tuesday, Nov. 06, 2018 | 12:00 - 14:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

I have been married to my husband for 2 years and we’re regularly invited for dinner at in-laws. They’re not practicing Muslims and do drink and eat non-halal food. My husband recently told me he feels guilty asking his sister to go out of her way to serve us halal food, so he suggested we bring our own halal food to her dinners. I feel like he wants to please them and not inconvenience them. I disagree because they invited us to their home knowing we are Muslims and if it’s a genuine invitation they should be able to feed us. Is it rude to bring food to the family’s dinner? Also at our last dinner, they served me with halal brought to the house by another guest and as I was eating they served my husband with nonhalal meat on purpose knowing we don’t eat halal. I feel stuck in the middle and this is turning into a burden for them or that they don’t even care that we are Muslim. It’s my husband family and I feel horrible that small things like this is becoming an issue. On another visit, a different in-law cooked pork chops in my presence and now I don’t like going to that house either. I want my husband to be close to his family but I feel like they don’t care about me.



As-salamualaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

Islamically, of course, we are obliged to maintain family ties. We should also alive our parents save in matters where they try to turn us against Islam. To encourage your family to eat haram food knowingly is encouraging them to go against Allah’s commands, but at the same time, understand ly you want to maintain their ties as peacefully as possible. Whilst the situation is a tricky one, there are some things you can do to attempt to ease the tensions.

 

* Invite them to your place. Instead of going to there’s, invite them to yours where you are free to cook halal meat. This way you get to uphold family ties by meeting with them as normal, yet also get to eat halal meat.

 

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* Talk to them. Perhaps they don’t understand the importance of the need to eat halal meat. Maybe it is just a minor matter to them. As non-Muslims, it is highly likely that they are uneducated on the matter. If they are unaware and are giving you haram meat or belittling the eating of halal meat, then little blame can be placed in them if they are unaware.

 

Obviously, this is a topic to discuss sensitivity so as not to offend anyone present and maintain healthy ties, but for the sake of your Deen it is a discussion that is needed. Once the topic is open and being spoke about then it may be more comfortable and easy to suggest you bring the meat, especially if they feel, or you feel that to do so may be a burden on them. Dealing with the matter in a respectable manner like this is more likely to see them accept this and even in sha Allah accept Islam themselves in the future. Educating them in this aspect of Islam may even soften their heart to Islam that they may desire to read more about it.

 

* Use your time with them to gently educate them about Islam, not in a preachy way, but just letting them know some things about Islam. As they come to know more they will be better able to understand your situation and concerns as it may simply be that they don’t understand that is why they come across like they seemingly don’t care when actually it is just that they don’t understand. If they can view Islam from a positive perspective in the beauty in which it is, they are me likely to behave more favorable towards you.

 

* As well as talking to them about Islam, simply trying to improve relations beyond will not only allow them to see Islam in a good light as you represent it in their presence, but it will soften their hearts towards you that they might be more inclined to go out of their way to please you when you visit respecting you as you respect them.

 

* Talk to your husband about it. Perhaps they will be more responsive if it is your husband that talks to them. As he has grown up with them he will be better aware of their likes and dislikes and how best to talk to them, especially about difficult matters. This will also relieve the burden from you as you appear together in support of each other. It may be that if he doesn’t say anything that they don’t think it is a serious matter as it is only you saying something about it. If you both talk about it in solidarity then they will understand that it is and will more likely make sure to change in the future.

 

May Allah guide them and make things easier for you in this situation, strengthening your bonds with them.

Assalam alaykum,I 've been married for 3 years. My wife was accepted Islam and followed me with prayers. Now she stopped and I would not care much if it were not for my 1-year-old daughter. She takes her to halloween party and hurts me so much. I am extremely concerned about my daughter s future. I ask every prayer Allah give me the solution and let my daughter follow me. If I leave marriage even with joint custody, kids may follow their unwise mothers. It concerns me and ruins me. What would you think?



Wa alaikum salaam wa Rahmatullah wa barakahtuh,

 

You are right to be concerned about the kind of things that your daughter is engaged in at a young age as these things can easily lead her stray in the future. Unfortunately, your wife doesn’t seem to be helping the situation, but there are some things you can do to try and improve the situation.

 

* Talk to your wife about your concerns and why it bothers you. For someone who had newly entered Islam they may not understand the problem and so need it explaining to them.

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* Remember that she came from a background where she was not raised as a Muslim so things like Halloween will be normal to her. Not only will it be difficult for her to see the harm in it at this point, but it may be difficult for her to separate herself from the things that brought her happiness previously.

 

* Be a good role model to her. It may be that talking to her about it may make her feel like you are preaching to her and she may not respond favorably, but you can influence her more indirectly. As she accepted Islam even though she ceased practicing for now, it will be much easier for her to come back.

 

Make sure to pray in front of her, read Qur’an and make du’a etc in front of her and be a positive influence in this way. Each time you pray, invite her to join you and do not turn it into an argument if she doesn’t as this would also give a negative image to your daughter. Likewise, with your daughter, invite her to join you too. Maybe they will not be bothered at first, but as they watch you over time, in sha Allah they will feel inclined to join in.

 

* Make Fridays special. One of the most difficult things for people to accept when leaving another religion and becoming a Muslim is to leave behind the celebrations that they once enjoyed. This can make Islam seem quite dull and unappealing when it shouldn’t be. Instead, make Friday a special day. A day to look forward to every week. A day when they get to dress up in their best clothes and maybe eat a treat and cook a special evening meal. This way, they won’t felt the need to get excitement out of celebrations such as Halloween.

 

* Most importantly, continue to pray for their guidance and Allah can guide who He wants when He wants regardless if they have gone astray from the path.

 

May Allah guide your family on the straight path and reward your concern for ensuring an Islamic up bring for your daughter

 

AsSalamuAlaikum, I am a father of 3 children, elder Girl, aged 22 years, Two boys 20 & 18 years Old, my 2nd son has got into using drugs with other friends, I am from India, Bangalore. I am not able to take him for a good deaddiction center, as he refuses to come along with me. Please suggest me the way to deal with him & help him out of this drug abuse, due to this situation my home atmosphere is very tense. Please help me to help my child. Thank You



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

May Allah reward your concern for your child. Parents always want what’s best for their children and to find out one of them has gotten into something such as drugs can be devastating, not just for the child, but for the parents and extended family also. There are a few steps you can take to attempt to resolve the situation and make things easier, in sha Allah.

 

  • If you feel that his drug taking is a result of the people that he is hanging around with, then try and remove him from them. This might be quite difficult, but if you can get him to come away with you, or his mother, or even any extended family to get a break from being around them and around the area where he knows where to get the drugs this may be a good start. This will give him space away from it all and away from the influence of his peers. It will also give him a chance to detox a bit and achieve a mentality without drugs where he can think straight. This would be a good opportunity to talk to him as he is in a better frame of mind, and let him know how he is damaging himself and the family with his actions. This way he will feel supported by you in stepping away and understand that you are doing it in his best interests. The added benefit of this approach is that it is almost away of getting him to detox without having to attend any kind of clinic or group.

 

  • Find out why he takes the drugs. Often people turn to drugs as a means to manage things psychologically that they are unable to deal with otherwise. For example, if he is under a lot of pressure at home or school, then he may be turning to drugs as a means to escape this and thereof emanate his stress. If you are able to talk to him yourself you may get this information directly from him, or you may just have to take a step back and analyse the situation yourself for now until he is ready to talk. This is a conversation you can have without the need to even directly address the issues with the drug taking so he may be more willing to open up. This may be especially so if he feels that you have a genuine interest in how he is and what he is going through. This alone may give him the support that he is indirectly looking for through drugs. If he knows you are supporting him then he can get this from you and not the drugs.

 

  • Talk to his friends parents. Perhaps they are not aware that their children are using them. If they are aware of it then they will likely do all they can to get them out of it too. If they refrain from drugs then your son is likely to follow suit and stop also.

 

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  • Introduce him to proper who will be good company for him. Perhaps if you friends have children the same age, or if there is anything going on in the local mosque that you encourage him to join would encourage him to be with good people who would not encourage him into drugs.

 

May Allah guide you and your son and make it easy for you and for him to end his drug taking habits.

Asalamu alaikum,I have two boys 10 and 13 I'm homeschooling them both. My 10-year-old does his work but doesn't like to complete it if I leave him to his self to go do something he will start to watch videos on YouTube instead of doing his assignments. He loves to read but he reads so fast that he doesn't like to comprehend or reflect on what he read. He also doesn't like me to sit and go through what he did he just likes to get it over with. My 13-year-old is eighth grade, in all his subjects he is at the level of a fourth or fifth grader.

He does his work but I tell him to work on it everytime if I tell him to go in the room he'll go on YouTube so I have to keep an eye on him. He likes to get things done very quickly even if it's wrong. He did not attend 7th grade at all because he was in another country and when he came back to the U.S they placed him in eighth grade without testing him. I can't afford to tutor at the moment and I don't have anyone to tutor for free. He really struggles with math and science specifically. He does read books without me telling him to read on his spare time.

I don't know what to do I really want them to succeed in homeschooling. I don't like them playing games or watching useless videos I advise them to watch something beneficial but all they want to watch is pranks, basketball, and music videos. They also keep on asking me to buy them PlayStation so that they can play games such as fortnight. Most of the time they do listen to me when I tell them to watch something Islamic or beneficial.

When my two boys start playing sometimes it goes out of control my thirteen-year-old gets very physical he won't stop until he hurts his brother even if I tell him to stop and my younger one does the same thing. I'm afraid that the older son will really hurt the younger one. Thank you for your help please advise.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

May Allah reward you by trying to do the best you can for your children and trying to help them achieve their full potential. Homeschooling is a big responsibility as well as a big challenge. There are a few things you can do to try and make it easier on yourself and more successful for your boys, in sha Allah.

 

Join homeschooling support groups. There may be something local where you can actually meet with other homeschooling mums and arrange outings with all the children. If you don’t live near any, there are plenty online that you could join, even those that are specifically for Muslim families. You will also find plenty of resources to use in your home curriculum.

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These groups will provide you with support from fellow home schoolers who will have gone through similar struggles as you. They may be able to advise based on their experiences, or at least give you advice or point you in the direction of someone who could help. Further to this, simply being part of such a group with like-minded people is often enough to provide the psychological comfort that you are in the company of similar people and that you are not the only one who has faced the struggles that you have.

  • Regarding the use of YouTube, during study time, turn the internet off. This way they can’t access YouTube as a distraction. It may be that you need to get together and agree on a more structured timetable that they will study from a certain time to a certain time and when they are complete and have shown you their work then they can have free time and use YouTube. One of the most important things here is to involve them in this. Let them have a say in the times of study and agree on an amount of time they could watch YouTube. If they are part of the process they are more likely to stick to the rules themselves since they were the ones that helped to come up with them and agreed upon them. Beyond this, at the end of study time, if the condition is that they show you their days work, then you will also get the chance to provide ongoing feedback and keep up to date with where they’re as well as being sure that they have done what they are supposed to and understand it properly. If they don’t, then that will give you an idea of what to cover the following day.

 

  • As with the above suggestion try and make the experience more engaging and fun for them by involving them in everything along the way. Have a dedicated space where they study and work together to decorate it in such a way that they will enjoy being there and not want to go off elsewhere and do other things. Make it an art project and involve different subjects in designing the area such as maths to measure certain areas and cut out things to fit the space, for example. Being a part of producing this will make it somewhere they like to be and somewhere that they can be proud that they achieved it. Likewise, involve them in deciding a schedule of what times they will study and what they will study when. You tell them what they need to learn and they can tell you in what order they want to learn it during the week. Then you can all sit together and draw up a schedule that you can out up in the room. This way they know what to expect each day and are more likely to comply and engage since they played a major part I the decision-making process. As part of this, you can also agree upon how they will spend their free time and for how long they can do so.

 

  • Another benefit of taking this collaborative approach is that the boys will also be working together to help produce the schedule and decorate the study space. This will contribute to developing the skills of cooperation between them which may be less likely to result in them ending up in fights.

 

May Allah make it easy for you and reward your good intentions.