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Parents and Children (Live Session)

Aisha Mohammad
11 December, 2016

Dear Brother/Sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha Mohamed Swan, for answering the questions.

The answers are very soon

Feel free to contact us and send your questions any time to: [email protected] 

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Tuesday, Dec. 13, 2016 | 08:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Assalamu alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh. I find it hard for me to show the highest kindness to my mother. Sometimes we get disputes and I find it hard for me to control my anger. And I can see my mother gets really upset. Honestly I don't want to make her upset. But unfortunately it seems to me that I fail my test. Later on I ask her forgiveness and she says she has forgiven, though I don't find her happy. I always think inshallah next time I will lower my wings of mercy for her but the peak of emotion really makes me failed. Pray for us, May Allah give us better understanding, may He provide us a way out of this, may He SWT forgive us.



As -alaykum dear sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. Sadly your problem is one I hear often. While it sounds like you love your mother very much, it appears your problem controlling your emotions and anger are not only hurting your mom, but causing you to sin.

 

In the Qur’an it states “And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination.” (1).

 

Therefore you will be accountable to Allah for the way you treat your mother, which comes down to controlling-dealing with your anger issues. Often time people who have difficulty controlling their anger have low frustration levels,. Holding anger in may lead to health problems, depression, or anxiety. Expressing anger can be done in a healthy way. We all need to express our feelings, however the manner in which you are expressing your anger is unhealthy and disruptive to relationships, especially between you, your mom and your duties to Allah SWT.
Dear sister, I am not sure how old you are (puberty often comes with emotional us and downs) or if you are under stress or have other issues going on, but insha’Allah I would kindly suggest the following steps recommended by the APA (2) and others. First, think before you speak. In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to say something you’ll later regret. Take a few moments to collect your thoughts before saying anything —in fact, when you feel your anger starting to rise, picture a STOP sign in your mind. Count to 10, and begin deep breathing exercises to help you regain control of your emotions.

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Once you are calm, express how you feel in a calm, non-threatening manner. If you fear you may say hurtful things to your mom, go in your room, or out for a walk and write don what you are feeling and list the reasons why. Discuss them at another time with your mom wen you both are calm and away from the initial subject. Communication must ensure, but in the proper way. In fact I highly suggest sister that you begin to keep a journal and write down your feelings several times a day in order to help you figure out what is really bothering you, as well as gage your progress in anger control management as you incorporate these techniques into your daily life. Thirdly, exercise. Exercise is not only good for burning off excess calories and maintaining our physical health but it is good for our mental health as well. Exercise helps reduce stress thus reducing angry emotions. Learn about stress reduction techniques and relaxation exercises. These techniques are very successful in reducing anger and stress and well as increasing your over all control of self, expression, and how you feel.

 

Take a time out. “A few moments of quiet time might help you feel better prepared to handle what’s ahead without getting irritated or angry “ (2). During this time I would kindly suggest doing dhkir or reading Qur’an as it is healing and has a soothing affect on our hearts and minds. Remembrance of Allah brings peace, safety and blessings. Find out what is causing your anger. Again, by journaling your thoughts, emotions and feelings daily, this may give you insight into what is truly the issue. Once you have identified the true issue (no, it is not because your mom said said “do the dishes” that you went into a rage) address it in rational steps. List how you will approach the problem, and follow through.

 

Please do insha’Allah use “I” statements combined with how you feel when communicating to your mom how you feel. You might say “I felt hurt when you said I did not know how to clean properly” instead of “you said I could not clean properly, yes I can”. Do you see the difference in tone?

 

 

If after your attempts to sincerely address your anger issues you find you still cannot control your angry outbursts, please do see a counselor in your area. Counselors will be able to provide more in depth sessions regarding anger management, address any other issues which may be going on as well as possibly refer you to anger management classes.

 

 

While I confident insha’Allah that you can over come this as possibly it has become a habit, please do continue as well to seek Allah’s help and forgiveness through pray, duaa and dkhir. You expressed regret and remorse in your letter. My heart goes out to you, as you are truly sorry for these actions. That is the first step and a good sign. Know Allah is most forgiving and loves to forgive. You are in our our prayers dear sister, we wish you the best.

1-https://quran.com/search?q=respecting%20parents
2-http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/controlling-anger.aspx

Assalamu'alaikum, my issue is I am in love with a girl who is very handsome and educated. She is a girl with good career. Once my parents visited her house a miscommunication occurred and the interaction between both the families were not good. This ends with parting between us. Now my parents want me to marry someone else; she is also good looking and educated but I can't forget the first one, I can't get her out of my mind. But my parents said if I want to marry her, they won't talk to me. I can stay at her house but my parents won't have any relation with me. By the way that girl left many people because of me. But everything comes to parents here. But I am missing her a lot. This is a very serious issue and I'm very worried, moreover, my parents are very much at unease. I need some advice. Waiting for your prompt reply. Regards



As-salamu alaykum brother,

Shokran for writing to our lives session with your most important concerns and issues. I can understand why you are upset and distraught. You are denied the chance to marry one whom you would like to due to a parental miscommunication. We are to love, be kind to and respect our parent and it is a sin to treat them poorly or with disrespect. However, as adults we are free to chose whom we will marry as long as that person is within Islamic guidelines for a marriage partner. It appears you both are, thus it is a shame that your parents have “forbidden” the marriage and threatened to cut you off, which is a sin as well. In fact it was reported that (1)

“ A’isha reported that the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “Kinship (rahim) is derived from Allah. If anyone maintains ties of kinship Allah maintains ties with him. If anyone cuts them off, Allah cuts him off.” Therefore, your parents threats to cut you off as well as their grandchildren is a very serious offense.

 

Sadly, there are many proposals that could have produced happy, long marriages if it were not for parental interference. As your “fiance” accepted your proposal and does in fact want to marry you, there is no reason for you both not to marry. As we see from the following hadith it is her decision. (2)

“A previously married woman has more right to decide about herself (with regard to marriage) than her guardian, and a virgin should be asked for permission with regard to marriage, and her permission is her silence.”

 

It further states “Seek the permission of women with regard to marriage.” It was said: “What if a virgin is too shy and remains silent?” He said: “That is her permission.” (3).

 

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While we desire to listen to our parents out of respect, love and Islamic law, there are obligations parents have to children as well. One includes not preventing a lawful marriage as we are commanded to marry. While they may feel they are right in their denial and you may feel that you must obey their command regarding this, it is not true. You are grown. Their denial appears to be based on cultural norms from your region as well as mis-communications between the families.
I would kindly suggest brother, that if you and the girl desire to marry that you do so. I would respectfully and kindly sit with your parents and inform them of your decision. Use the Qur’an to illustrate how we are to chose our mates. Please do also point out the ayats wherein Allah forbids us to cut off family. Insha’Allah point out that while you love and respect them very much and will always care for them, you have decided to marry this girl. Additionally as there was a mis-communication between the families, I would offer to set up a meeting to sort out the problem.

 

I suspect there will be anger, hurt and upset feelings regarding your decision however this is to be expected. Make duaa to Allah to soften their hearts and insha’Allah over time they will get over their anger and begin to accept what it is that they had no power over. In fact, it might not even be about you and the girl but more about power and ego-which is haram. While it may be hard on your marriage for awhile, insha’Allah your parents will accept the marriage once their anger has subsided. What would be truly tragic, is if you married another, still thinking about the one you really wanted to marry -and lived an unhappy life. It would be unfair to the girl as well whom your parents have chosen for you.

 

So please brother, do make istakharra, ensure this is the girl whom is right for you and if so marry her. Your parents will get over their anger insha’Allah in time. There is no sense in losing a pious life partner over cultural norms and power struggles between families.
1-https://sunnah.com/adab/2/9
2-https://sunnah.com/search/?q=permission+for+marriage
3-https://sunnah.com/nasai/26/71

Salam alaykum.I committed Zina, now I am pregnant. The person I committed Zina with and my friends and family thinks it is better to have an abortion since the guy has refused to marry me. He is also an unbeliever. I know this is compounding my sins, but I don't know what to do. I just hope Allah will forgive me. The man has said he will never take responsibilities if I have the child. I however intend to. Please advice me.



As salamu alaykum dear sister,

 

I am sorry to hear about the situation you are in. While I do not know your age, how many months you are pregnant or the financial circumstances, it is a hard decision nonetheless. All these would have been dependent upon my response however I will try to address this the best way I can based on what you have written.

First, I am not an Islamic scholar, therefore I would refer you to our “Ask the Scholar” section of our website for questions about abortion, length of pregnancy, circumstances etc. With that said, I feel that as you said you intended to have the child, then I would go ahead and plan on having this child. Yes, Allah hates abortion and yes Allah has given you this child for only Allah can bring forth life. I would kindly suggest sister that if you have not already, that you repent to Allah for the zina, get your life together in terms of getting closer to Allah and an having Islamic (life) foundation from which to seek shelter, comfort and mercy in Him. Please do start going to the Masjid if you are not already, keep your prayers and study Islam so you are prepared to raise a child as a strong striving Muslimah, renewed in her faith.

 

As you know, this will not be an easy road at first. Please do see who will be there from your family and circle of friends to be supportive. Make a list of the obstacles you may face during and after the pregnancy as well as the benefits of all of this. There are blessings in this sister. Sometimes Allah will bring to us a seemingly horrific situation to bring us closer to Him. There are blessings in hardships. It will be the way we handle it and how much we draw close to Allah which will determine the outcome.

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Insha’Allah if you do continue with the pregnancy, you may experience some talk regarding your situation. Ignore it. As long as you are on the right path, it is no one’s business nor concern if you are pregnant. Everyone sins, all of us. If we truly repent and ask Allah for forgiveness, then it is between us and Allah and no one else. If men could get pregnant, imagine all the babies there would be-and all of the talk. Concerning the guy who is the father, there are laws in certain countries which can be used to make him pay child support. Utilize this if you reside in one of those countries. As far as him being non-Muslim, well, there are a lot of Muslim men who have left similar situations so his status is irrelevant. It’s your Islamic practice that will determine your and your child’s outcome at this point, not his. It’s your body and your conscious.

 

Please do take these moments sister to reflect upon a new life as a mom and as a young Muslimah with a renewed faith and obedience to Allah SWT. As you were previously not following the deen, perhaps this child is a blessing-saving you from the further perils of this dunya. I respect you and your decision sister. We wish you the best, you are in our prayers.

I have a major problem that I want to keep my heart clean from kina and bugghuz!! Mashallah, I have everything good in life except for a child, I've been married for 4 years but due to having no baby I get irritated and jealous of other people and start backbiting. I want to change this attitude of mine, I pray a lot to Allah to change me into a religious person who should only mind my own business!! Can you help me??



As-salamu alaykum dear sister,

 

I am sorry to hear of your stress and irritation due to not having a child. However dear sister, it has only been four years. Researches have found correlations between stress and inability to conceive. I have read many cases wherein pregnancy occurred when the woman stopped stressing over getting pregnant. In fact, in the majority of cases, the women resigned themselves to the fact that they would never have children… And guess what, as soon as they did, they got pregnant! In fact, a friend of my mom’s tried for 10 years to conceive! Finally giving up, she sought to adopt (she was not Muslim) and did in fact adopt three beautiful children, and then gave birth to her own shortly after.

 

Therefore sister, regarding worrying about getting pregnant, I would kindly advice you to relax, take some stress reduction classes as well as eat healthy foods, exercise and in general stop worrying insha’Allah. Insha’Allah, it will happen. However it could be that your current state of irritability, stress and worry may not be helping the situation. As long as both you and your husband are healthy, you have both been checked for infertility problems and everything is normal, I would try not to focus on it too much. I know that’s easy to say, but trust me, I have been there, and yes, I have several beautiful children!

 

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As far as the jealousy, backbiting and irritability, sister you know that is haram, and counterproductive to a good relationship with not only others, but with Allah SWT. We all have our sins we commit, known and unknown. None of us are perfect. Alhumdulilah that we have Allah to go to to seek forgiveness. Your particular sin, along with others is such a sin that the Qur’an states (1)

“O you who have believed, avoid much [negative] assumption. Indeed, some assumption is sin. And do not spy or backbite each other. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his brother when dead? You would detest it. And fear Allah ; indeed, Allah is Accepting of repentance and Merciful”.

 

As we can see sister, these behaviors have devastating affects in the here and now (hurting others) as well as our fate in the hereafter. It is my feeling, and may you and Allah forgive me if I am wrong, but it may be that these tendencies were present in you even before wishing for a baby. Yes, wishing for something so bad, and not having it yet and seeing others enjoy what we want can cause some feelings in us. But most of us can get past these feelings and be happy for that person or couple. Sister, I kindly suggest that whenever you have bad thoughts about others or feel like saying something negative, imagine a big red stop sign. Count to 10, do some dhkir and regather your thoughts. Then say something nice. Even if you still feel irritable or jealous, say something nice. Insha’Allah if you do this or 30 days, it will become a habit and your backbiting tendencies will go away.

 

Additionally, draw closer to Allah. It is hard to constantly backbite and feel irritable when we are close to and trust in the Most High, and contemplate all of the blessings He has given us. Keep your salats, make duaa, recite Qur’an, take some classes of Islamic interest and immerse yourself in the glory of Allah’s bountiful blessings. Trust in Him that you will get rid of this horrid habit of backbiting. After all, where do these negative behaviors get you? No where dear sister. In fact, these feelings ad behaviors probably increase your stress levels.

 

Seek allah’s forgiveness of these behaviors, please do repent for harming others with your words and thoughts. We should want for our sisters and brothers what we want for ourselves. Wouldn’t it be terrible if there were some who were saying they hoped you never got pregnant? Well, that is what it fels like when one is a victim of backbiting. It does hurt, like skin ripped from our backs. I implore you dear sister, please think about your words and chose them carefully as our words do come back on us. You stated you had a very blessed life besides not having a child.

 

Many do not have your blessings, yet they smile and wish well for others. Some have had their precious babies killed, blown away by bombs. Yet, they hold on to Allah, the Most High and say Allahu’Akbar! They don’t backbite or wish bad upon others or get irritable when they see others playing with their children. They may be sad, but they smile and get joy from seeing them together and alive. Sister, what yo want for yourself, insha’Allah want for others. I kindly suggest dear sister that you get involved in doing some charity work once or twice a week. It brings great blessings in helping those in need.

 

It also changes our perspective on compassion, love, humanity and oneness. When you see your sister as yourself, it is hard to backbite and feel irritable. Insha’Allah, you will begin to feel the love and compassion that Allah SWT says we should feel for one another. Please let us know how you are doing, you are in our prayers sister.

1-http://corpus.quran.com/translation.jsp?chapter=49&verse=12

I am an adult child of divorce; my father raised me alone since I was 9. Recently my mother decided to get in touch with us, so I have been talking to her, she wants to go on and be all buddy like after not talking to us or calling us for some 13 odd years. She says she did not have the resources to raise us. I don't know exactly what caused their divorce, but it wasn't a healthy relationship, arguing, throwing things, bickering, fighting, they did it all. Till she lived with us my mum was a good mum. Till my mum was with us my dad wasn't involved in being a father other than providing for us and playing with us in the park. He was always impatient and angry. In my father's care I was molested by one of his co-workers, I never told my father about it fearing his response.  I am married now and have a baby too, I tend to lose patience very easily, I can become angry and yell. I always promised myself I wouldn't do it to my child. I have yelled at him, I don't want him to copy me. What should I do to cope with my anger issues?



As salamu alaykum dear brother,

 

I am sorry to hear about your turbulent childhood and all the pain you had to go through. While I cannot state why your mom stayed away so long, I can only hypothesize that possibly your father told her to, but I really don’t know. The important thing now, is trying to get to know your mom again and work out your feelings of abandonment and pain. Brother based on your history of sexual abuse as a child, I would highly suggest that you seek out counseling in your area from a qualified therapist to work with on a regular basis. Often times adults who were abused as children grow up with unresolved issues, suffer from depression, PTSD, and other mental health symptoms. Trust is often a big issue as is low self esteem, and anger issues (unresolved).

 

A therapist can help you work through all these issues and perhaps also refer you to a support group for Adult Victims of Sexual Abuse. While I know this is not easy to hear, and I am so sorry this happened to you, I do know that the sooner it is addressed the quicker you can heal from your past trauma and go on with your life. As you stated you now have a son and you see the yelling behaviors and anger issues coming out in you now. According to ACOG (1) “Common life events, like death, birth, marriage, or divorce may trigger the return of symptoms for a childhood sexual abuse survivors”; and The Invisible Scar (2) notes that “An emotionally abused child who does not, as an adult, face the truth of their childhood is in great danger of repeating the cycle of emotional abuse with his or her own children”. Children living in a chronically dysfunctional household; children who have been sexually-physically abused, have no voice usually. They often suppress and bury deep-all of their pain, fear, sadness and anger inside of them. However, it has to be released eventually.

 

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That’s where counseling and support groups come in. Professional intervention as a child would be the ultimate time. However now as you are an adult it would be most beneficial brother, not only for you, but your child and family as a while. Based on your question, you have great insight brother. You already know that you are repeating some of the unhealthy behaviors you grew up with. Recognition is the first step. I admire your courage. Please do think about it insha’Allah. Therapy would address your anger issues as they are most likely stemming from the trauma you experienced as a child, and could not resolve or get away from.

 

Make duaa to Allah to guide you and grant mercy concerning this issue. As we know Allah SWT is the greatest of healers. Read Qur’an and do dhzkir for calmness and to reach a peaceful state of mind as well as practice relaxation and stress reduction techniques (3) to reduce the anger and stress you feel.
Please do consult with a counselor brother, we wish you the best, you are in our prayers.

 

 

1-http://www.acog.org/Resources-And-Publications/Committee-Opinions/Committee-on-Health-Care-for-Underserved-Women/Adult-Manifestations-of-Childhood-Sexual-Abuse
2-https://theinvisiblescar.wordpress.com/suggestions-for-adult-survivors/
3-http://www.webmd.com/balance/guide/blissing-out-10-relaxation-techniques-reduce-stress-spot

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