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Parenting Issues in Ramadan (Counseling Session)

Hannah Morris
04 June, 2017

Dear Brother/Sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah Morris, for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the answers of the questions below.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions any time to:

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Tuesday, Jun. 06, 2017 | 11:30 - 13:30 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Salam Aleikom. My son is at high school. We live in a non-Muslim country. He has been continuously bullied by some of his school mates. In Ramadan, he keeps the fast mashallah, but they all the time make fun of him, trying to put food in his mouth and laughing about his mouth breath ( although he takes toothbrush with him and washes his mouth every day.) Hamdulillah not much left from the school, but still, I wish that the bullying stops. Iwas even thinking of changing school from next year although we cannot afford going to an islamic school. Can you advice me? Thank you!



Wa alaikum Salaam wa rahmatullahi wa baraktuh,

Raising children in a non-Muslim country comes with additional challenges to the usual challenges faced with being a parent. These are challenges you will face as a parent and as will your son also.

Firstly, bullying is not acceptable and should be reported, especially since it is an ongoing issue. In this case, I would strongly suggest that you talk to his school about it. You might also use this opportunity to let them know a bit about Ramadan and that he is fasting now and seems to be experiencing additional bullying during this time. Most schools have policies in place to deal with bullying so, in sha’ Allah, it should be something that can be overcome within the school.

In the meantime, you need to do all you can as his parent to help him feel confident in himself so that the effects that the bullying may potentially be having on him are neutralized to some extent. Ma sha’ Allah, he has maintained his fast. May Allah (swt) reward him. Let him know that you are proud of him for keeping his fast as you are for anything else he might have achieved. He is very courageous and strong to withstand the acts of the bullies and still keep his fast.

Negative as the experience might be, it will also build an element of resilience in him. You can be confident that he is strong enough in his faith not to succumb to the taunts of the bullies. It takes a strong child to behave in this way. Remind him of the ways our Prophet (saw) stood patiently against bullies. Let him look to this best example as a role model in managing the nasty behaviors of others towards him, and in sha’ Allah the school will be working on the problem.

Eventually, the bullies might even realize that their bad behavior towards him is not getting the desired effect and will naturally leave him alone anyway. But, certainly, if things don’t improve, or the school doesn’t do anything about it and it is impacting on your son in a negative way, then don’t hesitate to move him to another school if that is what will free him from the bullying.

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You might also try and help him to spend time with other brothers of his age in his spare time. If there’s a local mosque then take him along and if they do activities for kids of his age then encourage him to join in. This way he can find strength being with other kids like him who understand Ramadan and his religion.

Encourage him to invite other kids to come to your house or befriend the parents that you could invite over so you can also be more regular contact with fellow Muslims in the community and your son can be with other Muslim kids of his age, too. This will not only reinforce his faith but will help him find strength amongst other like-minded kids.

May Allah (swt) bring you and your son ease during this difficult time. May He give you both strength to endure and overcome the difficulties successfully. May He reward your patience and steadfastness.

Amen,

Salam Aleikom. My son is 4 years old. We live in Europe. My problem is that although at home we taught him to use the toilet while sitting, in the nursery he is not monitored by the nurses and learned from the other kids that he pees while standing. So now he refuses to sit down. I know in Islam it is recommended for boys to use the toilet while sitting, but I am not sure what to do now. Is it really a big issue? Shall I force him to sit down or just leave it? But in this case, of course, it is more likely that some drop will go to his clothes while being in the toilet. Please help.



As-Salaikum Salaam wa rahamatulahi wa barakatuh,

There are many times when western and Islamic practices clash and, therefore, raising a Muslim child in a non-Muslim country will come with challenges related to this.

Regarding peeing sitting down, the very reason it is encouraged that boys sit down are for the reason you have suggested – that some may drop onto his clothes which, of course, then makes the clothes impure. Therefore, he becomes unable to pray in them.

He is 4, however, and, therefore, is not obliged to pray at this age. So, it might be said that it is quite irrelevant whether pee drops on his clothes or not. However, habits are formed at such a young age. If he gets into a habit of peeing standing up from this young age, it is likely he will continue to do so as he gets older and enters the age upon which praying does become obligatory. Trying to change the habit of standing to pee at this age will be a lot more difficult.

The problem is that now he refuses to sit down to pee as he has seen his peers standing up. There are a couple of things you can try to encourage him to get back into the habit of sitting to pee.

Since the problem arose at nursery, if you feel confident enough to talk to the teachers there, then you might begin by addressing it with them. Perhaps they could organize things in such a way that the children don’t use the toilet at the same time and instead take it in turns. This way, he will not be observing others stand to pee. However, understandably, they may not be willing to adjust their own practices just as a means to encourage you son to pee sitting down. Either way, you can still be encouraging him to pee sitting down at home.

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Forcing him to sit down might not be the best option as he may become resilient and even less likely to have the desire to sit down at all. Instead, take a firm approach, but without punishing him at this point if he does stand up. Every time he does sit down to pee, you could give him some kind of little reward to encourage him to continue to do this. This reward could even be as simple as acknowledging what he has done in a positive way. Generally, continuing to instill respect for his parents into him, eventually, he will begin listening to you and sit down to pee out of respect for your instructions, without the need to force or continually reward the act.

As he gets used to it at home and develops positive associations with peeing sitting down at home, even if the school doesn’t do anything about it, he will likely develop the same habitat school in time, too.

May Allah (swt) reward your concern for raising your child in a way that is compatible with the Sunnah from a young age. May He make your son a righteous child who will be the coolness of your eyes.

Amen,

Salamu alaikum, I am a single mother raising my son (13 years old) in the US. He has a lot of non-Muslim friends and few Muslim friends but they are not practicing Muslims. In Ramadan, he refuses to go to school or socialize because he is shy to speak about fasting. How can I help him?



Wa alaikum Salaam wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh,

Raising children in an environment where fasting for Ramadan is not the norm and, therefore, there are few people around who understand what the purpose of Ramadan is tough. Raising children in a non-Muslim environment outside of Ramadan is tough enough, but now you are facing the additional challenge of Ramadan itself. This is also making things difficult for your son because he is shy to talk about fasting and is, therefore, withdrawing from socializing and school.

There are, however, some things that you can do to make things easier for him. They might help him to be more socially active during this month.

Firstly, instill pride in him about his religion and why he fasts. Make sure that he knows well why we fast during Ramadan so that he can feel confident to answer any questions should anyone ask him. Sometimes this can be the problem for children practicing Islam – that they are not totally clear about some of the practices and why we do them and, therefore, fear that they will be asked about it by their friends and will be unable to give an answer. This will make them feel shy and embarrassed, therefore, withdrawing from socializing allows them to be absent from a potentially embarrassing situation should it arise.

If a child is well educated on the Islamic practices that they engage in then they don’t need to carry the burden of uncertainty on their shoulders because they can be confident that they have all the answers to the common things people might ask, namely, why they are doing it. In this case, you can go through books or watch lectures together. Support him. Even though he is 13 and quite capable of reading and watching lectures by himself, if you sit with him, he will feel more supported and more likely to take the information in.

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Make him aware of all the positive traits that fasting brings out in us. Traits that are admirable to both Muslims and non-Muslims alike. Traits such as being generous by giving to the poor, being patient by restraining oneself from eating, drinking, backbiting..etc.., and remembering those that have less than we do. Encourage him to take pride in the fact that by engaging in the acts of Ramadan he is nurturing these very excellent qualities in himself that will make him an excellent friend. Therefore, he does not need to hide from them during a month where he will be exhibiting these brilliant qualities the most. Being with others will also give him the chance to practice certain qualities that are enforced on the fasting person such as restraining from backbiting that he will not have the opportunity to do if he is not around others.

He can use this opportunity to be a good ambassador for Islam – educating his friends on the practices of Islam as well as the good qualities of a practicing Muslim. Understanding it in this way might help him to feel an element of responsibility and leadership with an opportunity to do daw’ah in a subtle way as others may come to him to ask him questions. This is a great responsibility and one Allah (swt) will look favorably upon in sha’ Allah and let him know and understand this.

Helping him to view Ramadan from these slightly different perspectives might help to assist him in being more forward in being more sociable during this month of Ramadan.

May Allah (swt) make it easy for you to assist him in overcoming his shyness during this month. May He (swt) make your son more confident to be more sociable at this time.

Salam,

 

Salamu alaikum. I have a question regarding forcing kids on fasting. I have 3 kids :13, 10, 7 and my wife insists that they should fast during Ramadan. I argue with her a lot because of this issue and I think maybe the elder one can fast but the younger 2 are not ready yet. She forces them to fast and I don't think this is good for them. What is the suitable age for kids to try fasting? and How can I convince her not to force them?



Wa-’Alaikum Salaam wa Rahmatulahi wa Barakatuh brother,

Raising children in the best way is a tough job. There will almost always be disagreement between parents regarding one issue or another. In this case, you feel that your children are too young too fast (at least the 2 youngest anyway) and it is not good for them, but your wife disagrees and forces them to fast.

When such disagreements arise, the first thing is not to allow your children to be aware of this disagreement or let them hear any of your arguings because this can have detrimental effects on them. Instead, this is something for two of you to talk about privately.

The best way to approach the topic is obviously to do so in a calm manner, otherwise, she will not be willing to see the situation from any other way and may continue to force them. Before you have this calm conversation with her, be equipped with all the reasons that you want to tell her that you don’t agree with them fasting so that she can see things from another perspective too.

Approaching her in a calm manner is more likely to encourage her to think outside her current ideas. Likewise, you should be prepared to listen to and accept her own justifications for why she wishes them to fast. Let her know why you don’t think it is good for them and perhaps explain that this is why it is not compulsory for them to fast at their young age.

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Also, let her know your concerns about forcing them to fast. Forcing them to fast may make the whole experience very unenjoyable for them and they won’t get from the experience what they should be. This will make them dislike the month of Ramadan. Perhaps, in the future, when they are not with you, they will feel more tempted to not fast as it was something forced upon them when they didn’t have the choice. Then, as adults, when they do have a choice, they may feel more obliged to exercise their free will and object to fasting. She needs to understand the potential effects that forcing a child to do this kind of thing may have in the future.

On the other hand, she may also say that no harm will come to them. After all, there are many children globally living in poverty who are even younger than your own children, who fast as if its Ramadan every day and still survive. So, why can’t your own children do it? Especially since once the 30 days are up they can eat as normal again.

Furthermore, she might argue that it is good practice for them for when it becomes obligatory upon them in some years and, therefore, they will be in a better position to keep their facts as they have managed it from a much younger age.

Disagreements like this are often best solved with some kind of compromise. In which case, you need to be willing to do things her way a little, and she needs to be able to meet you half way also. Being prepared to offer and accept these potential compromises will help you all to move forward smoothly without arguments.

It may be that you agree that the younger ones can fast, but instead of it being every day, make it every other day, or at weekends. Or, alternatively, if they are too fast every day, perhaps they could fast half days to be able to experience the pangs of thirst and hunger that come with fasting. This will help them to appreciate those that don’t have but in such a way that you don’t feel like you are unnecessarily depriving them. This is something that you can ask them.

Give them some control over how and when they fast. As it stands they don’t seem to have any input in what you and your wife are arguing about, so hearing their own perspective might also help you and your wife come to a better agreement.

Essentially, the most important thing is hearing and understanding each other’s perspective and coming to a mutual agreement that at least satisfies you both to some degree. So, perhaps allowing them to fast, but not in a forceful way.

May Allah (swt) bring peace and blessing into your household during this blessed month. May He (swt) make you and your wife the comfort of each other and your children the coolness of your eyes.

Salam,

As-Salamu Aleikom. I am not sure whether you would be able to answer my question, but my problem is that my children already learn and speak mashallah 3 languages as their mother tongues, but we live in Germany where they will obviously need to learn the German language. In addition, by the age of 6, they will need to learn English. How can I help them to learn all these languages? I am worried they will have difficulties.



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

Ma sha’ Allah, it is a great skill to be able to speak multiple languages, especially at a young age. This will prove to be very useful for them in life.

It is understandable why it might cause you concern that they might find things difficult learning so many languages. You don’t want them to face any challenges or struggles.

Often when children are raised in an atmosphere like this, they may be slow to learn at first, but this generally does not cause any concern. They eventually do catch up and excel. This might be difficult for you at first if you feel like your children are behind other children of their age, but with patience, you will see the benefits. Ultimately, when they are adults, they will be in an excellent position having mastered at least three languages. Having learned these languages from such a young age will make it even easier for them in the future to learn new languages – more so than a child who has only been raised with a single language.

As Muslims, this will be especially useful when it comes to learning the Qur’an. You will likely find that they will pick up the Arabic language and memorize the Qur’an very quickly as they become accustomed to learning new languages.

Understand as well that children learn very fast. As adults, we often underestimate our children’s abilities. In fact, you will likely even find that they are even better than you as an adult at learning a new language quickly!
Whilst I can’t advise on the technicalities of the best way to actually teach them languages, I can give advice on how to potentially make the process easier and less stressful for you.

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Firstly, be patient with them. They may appear to behind at first, but they will catch up and often take over! If you become impatient with them, they may come to dislike learning new languages and withdraw from it altogether. They might have bad associations with learning new languages which will not be conducive to them learning effectively.
Take your time with them and don’t put undue pressure on them.

Create a positive learning environment for them focusing on the positives. Reward them when they learn something new or make progress in their learning.

Make it as fun as possible so that they enjoy learning and desire to continue to learn.

Perhaps if they have workbooks that they are working from, have stickers that you can use to reward a complete piece of work.

Give them an element of control by letting them control which topic they want to cover. For example, do they want to learn colors or animals today?

Integrate it into daily life, encourage them to use the language around the home so they become familiar with using different languages in real life situations.

Take a break so they don’t become overwhelmed – both during a session where you might be teaching them as well as taking a full day or two off learning at all. At the same time, also make sure that they are regularly practising.

May Allah (swt) make it easy for you and your children. May He give you the patience to effectively teach them this very useful and beneficial skill of languages.

Salam,