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Parenting, Family & Teenagers (Live Session)

Aisha Mohammad
25 January, 2017

Salam ‘Alaykum Dear brothers and sisters,

 

Dear Brother/Sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha Mohamed Swan, for answering the questions

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Please scroll down to read the answers of the questions below.

 

Feel free to contact us and send your questions any time to:

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Parenting, Family & Teenagers (Live Session) - About Islam Parenting, Family & Teenagers (Live Session) - About IslamParenting, Family & Teenagers (Live Session) - About Islam

Thursday, Jan. 26, 2017 | 08:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

My husband died four years ago. After his death, my son, 14, turned into another person. He became very aggressive. He no longer obeys or respects me. Whenever I try to correct him he starts yelling at me and even beats me. When I try to stop him by spanking him he gets more violent and starts kicking and punching things around. Once, he grabbed me by the neck and said he’d kill me if I ever dared stop him again. I feel weak, depressed and don’t know what to do. How can I stop him from being aggressive and improve our relation?



As salamu alaykum dear sister,

 

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your husband. May Allah SWT grant mercy and ease to both you and your family. Although it has been four years, your son obviously has not dealt well with the death of his father and it has now festered into a situation that cannot and should not be tolerated. As you know disrespect of one’s parents is haram and physical abuse of anyone-especially of one’s mother is most sinful and haram.

 
Your son understandably is taking the death of his father very hard. While we all have our own ways of dealing with death, often teens have a much harder time dealing with death, especially when it is the death of a parent. There are several stages one usually goes through when a loved one dies. These may include denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance (PsychCentral). While the stages usually follow a sequence based on emotional ability and reasoning, they can often come in different sequences of be skipped all together. Sister it sounds as if your son is not only obviously angry but depressed as well. His intensely violent reactions and disrespect come from a place that is deeply rooted in pain.

 
While I am not sure if he has ever displayed instability or violence before, I would highly suggest dear sister that you contact his physician as soon as possible to have him evaluated and referred to counseling. If there are any other family members who can talk with your son (male preferably), take him out, and spend time with him this may provide your son with an outlet for his anger and rage. He may be able to vent his pain more easily to a male figure who was not as closely connected to his father as you are as his wife. Sometimes when a parent dies, the remaining parent stands as a constant reminder of the missing parent and the child cannot cope with the loss.

 
I would kindly suggest sister that if there are other male relatives near by, please get them involved insha’Allah in your and your son’s life right now. Not only is your son a danger to you with his aggression, but he may also be a danger to himself. If there are not any family members who can help, please speak with the imam at your masjid to see if he or brothers there can assist.
Please do reach out to others sister for help, as well as get your son into counseling as soon as possible. Additionally, if you ever do feel unsafe again, please have someone you can call for help, or call the local authorities. Your son loves you sister, he just needs help right now and you need to ensure your safety as well as help your family heal from the trauma of your husband’s death.

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You are in our prayers sister, please let us know how you are doing.

I’m a father of three. Recently, I discovered that my 13-year old was masturbating. At first, I started to notice that he takes really long showers and stays for long time in his room alone. One day I returned home early from work and his door was open as I was coming up the stairs, I caught him doing masturbation, I was shocked and didn’t know what to do. Please help, how to handle this with my son?



As-salamu alaykum brother,

 

I am sure you were shocked to discover your son has been masturbating. Especially as you did find him masturbating. Additionally, I am sure your son was embarrassed as well. This is a very emotionally charged age, with budding hormones, bodily changes as well as sexual needs surfacing.

 
Allah SWT is most merciful and forgiving. While the Islamic point of view is that masturbating is haram, it could also lead to an addiction if not curbed now. Often times children/young adults try to uphold Islamic values however the sexual urges become too strong for them to contain. If not redirected into other activities to keep their minds busy, or if their relationship with Allah and Islamic principles are not strong, they often chose to ignore their Islamic upbringing as their desires are too strong for them to handle and they know of no other outlet for their sexual energy.

 

 

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I would kindly suggest that you take this opportunity maintain your close relationship with your son. Insha’Allah you can remember how you felt when you were his age, and the steps that you perhaps took to avoid masturbation. This is a critical point in time which can affect which way he will turn. The approach you take in dealing with your son’s masturbation is very important right now. I would kindly suggest that you have a heart to heart talk with him, just the two of you perhaps. Try not to be accusatory and punitive although it may be hard, as this will only push him away.

 
You may want to discuss with him insha’Allah your feelings when you were his age and how you handled sexual desire and avoided haram behaviors. Explain the benefits of refraining from masturbation such as not displeasing Allah, not developing an addiction, and not taking it further “one step further” such as actually engaging in intercourse. Explain to your son that insha’Allah, refraining from masturbation will help to further develop self respect, self love and having the satisfaction of knowing he waited for his future wife to explore these pleasures with. You may also want to consider making yourself open and available for any questions or concerns he may have regarding sexuality & his changing body. If your local Islamic center offers classes such as these for young teens, I would kindly suggest enrolling him as well.

 
Insha’Allah, remind him of his value as a young Muslim, as well as his Islamic duties, principles, obligations and accountability to Allah SWT. Please do express the importance of remaining chaste as discussed in the Qur’an 

“And do not approach unlawful sexual intercourse. Indeed, it is ever an immorality and is evil as a way”.

Insha”Allah try to instill a sense of sacredness for his body as well as the real presence of Allah in his life so that insha’Allah he will be able to resist temptation. Additionally, try to keep your son engaged in positive activities so he does not have too much idle time for his mind to think about his desires.

 
While of course his desires are normal and to be expected, insha’Allah he will learn self mastery and control over his impulses and needs. Discuss alternative activities to subdue or divert his desires such as taking up a hobby, engaging in a sport or focusing more on his future and career aspirations. While these suggestions are meant to help divert needs, they are real needs brother and will not totally go away. I would kindly suggest that you encourage him to pray, to attend the Masjid more (if he is not already), and encourage him to make friends with young brothers who are serious about being successful in this life and the hereafter.

 
We wish you the best brother. The teen years can be trying, but if we can remember how it felt to be a teenager; rely on the teachings of Al-Islam, and ask Allah for ease it will insha’Allah help us in dealing with the issues that arise.

 

You are in our prayers, please let us know how you both are doing.

 

As-salamu `Alaikum counselor, I need your advice, My daughter is 12 year old. I keep trying to remind her to pray but it seems that the prayer is a heavy burden on her. When I asked her “have you prayed today?” she said “yes I did”, but actually she was not. I started to yell at her because she lies to me. She just puts the prayer rug on the ground but without praying just to show me she was praying. I don’t want to yell at her but her lies make me nervous and lose my temper. How can I help my daughter pray by herself without quarreling? Any advice?



As-salamu alaykum sister,

It sounds as if your daughter is having difficulty in understanding the importance of prayer and her obligation. I would kindly suggest that instead of yelling and getting upset, that you instead try to cultivate in her a deeper love of Allah and understanding of the significance of prayer within her. This can be done insha’Allah by reading with her stories, watching video’s, listening to CD’s and audio’s which will insha’Allah cultivate a deeper connection and sense of responsibility as well as love. Some good teaching tools should be available at your local Islamic center or online.
Also, check out your Masjid and see if they have a Teen Girls Halaqa.

 

Usually these girl groups take place once a week and are very beneficial in cultivating comradary among young Muslim girls, provides Islamic education as well as fun activities. Many young Muslim girls who initially were not interested in praying, wearing hijab etc. found a new love of Islam and self as a Muslim, while attending groups such as these. Islamic groups for young girls are important as they form lasting friendships, they learn new things about Islam as well as about themselves as budding teens. Often there is power in groups for young teens as they are quick to bond and learn as a collective.

 

 

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When you pray sister, have your daughter pray with you. Children learn by example and if you are use to praying in your room, you may want to pray in a more public part of the home so she can see you praying and pray with you. You might also want to add some nice bonding time after prayer such as sharing a sweet or doing something enjoyable for a few minutes. This extra act of engagement is not to be taken as a bribe but rather as an association. If she starts to associate enjoyable, good things with prayers, she will be more apt to get into the habit of praying while she is learning more of how to connect her heart.

 

Insha’Allah, keep persistent sister and your efforts will be worth it. Insha’Allah, remember that one seeks to please Allah for the sake of Allah-because one loves Allah, thus cultivating that love with your daughter will stay with her a lifetime, insh’Allah!

 

We wish you the best sister, you are in our prayers.

I have a two-year old boy. My problem is that my son is always screaming and crying. Whenever he wants anything, even if he wants to drink, he asks for this by crying. This makes the atmosphere at our home very tense. I don’t know what to do. Can you please help me?



As-salamu alaykum,

I am sorry to hear about the problem you are having with your little boy. Often children will use the mode of communication which gets the best and fastest results! Apparently, he has discovered that crying brings the quickest response.

 
I would kindly suggest that when he begins to cry, ask him “what”? Ask him to verbalize “tell me what?”. If he continues to cry, prompt him by saying “drink”? If he nods tell him “say “drink” . If he says “drink” (or whatever the case may be) then give him the drink. If he continues to cry, withhold the drink until he verbalizes what he wants.
This will take much persistence, consistency and lots of patience on your part but it will be worth it in the long run. Once your son gets use to the idea that crying will not bring him results but talking will, insha’Allah you will see a decrease in the crying and an increase in his verbal responses.

 
As long as your son is healthy, not hurting or sick, there is nothing wrong with letting him cry or scream for a few minutes. You will need to do this, to let him scream and cry in order to train him up in a proper manner. Once he re-learns how to communicate this should cease. It is my feeling that he is a very loved little guy who just got use to getting whatever he wanted by just a cry, whimper or scream since he was very tiny. Now that he is older, it has intensified and will take some work on your part (and the family) to undo this unsavory habit. Insha’Allah, in time a sweet little boy will emerge who asks and communicates his needs through more appropriate measures.

 

We wish you the best, you are in out prayers.

I’m a mother of two, a boy and a girl. I noticed that my 10-year old boy is spying on us. I caught him looking through the door into our room. When we go to bed, I see his shadow behind the door trying to spy what’s going on inside. Is that normal and what can I do to make him stop spying on people?



As salamu alaykum sister,

 

Your 10 year old appears to be very curious as to what is going on behind closed doors. Perhaps he has heard noises coming from your room or is just curious about what goes on in there if especially if your room is off limits.
While you did not state if he is spying on other family members, I would kindly suggest that you or your husband sit down with him and ask him what is he looking for when he looks through the door. Ask him if he needs something and if so, why doesn’t he just knock at the door.

 

I would kindly suggest not shaming him, but do make clear that this kind of behavior is not good manners. You may want to discuss privacy with him as it pertains to parents as well as other family members. You may want to purchase some children’s books on Manners, Privacy, and other behaviorally related stories. As your son is 10, he may have been exposed to sexual talk and questions among his peers. Thus his curiosity may also be fueled by his curiosity regarding this and what really “goes on behind closed doors”. You may want to talk with him about pre-puberty issues such as emotions, bodily changes and things he may or may not have heard in school or among his friends. While his spying may be just a rude little bad habit, it may also signify a budding interest in what goes on in the bedroom of a married couple.

 

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In any event, insha’Allah you can curb this behavior by getting to the root of the problem, and then addressing any concerns. I would also tell him that as it is rude and an invasion of privacy he will be reprimanded if he continues doing it. I would kindly suggest that you take away something he enjoys for every violation. Lastly, until you are secure in the fact the behavior has stopped, you may want to secure your bedroom door with a lock and the keyhole with tape to prevent prying eyes from seeking.

 

Insha’Allah, this behavior will cease once it is addressed and you and your family will find peace and security in your bedrooms very soon insha’Allah!