Ads by Muslim Ad Network

Parenting & Family Issues – Live Session

alam ‘Alaykum Dear brothers and sisters,

 

Thanks to all who joined our Counseling Session with our Counselor Aisha Mohamed Swan on Wednseday, August 24th, 2016. You can read the complete questions and answers below.

You can always send your question related to clinical disorders, cultural, individual, family and relationship issues to

 [email protected]

Ads by Muslim Ad Network

Wednesday, Aug. 24, 2016 | 08:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

- As-salamu alaikum, My brother’s son is 5 years old, his parent complains that he does not sit with them and spend most of his time playing tablet, mobile, and video games. At family meeting I noticed that he is almost isolated refusing to playing with other kids and only watched videos games and played with his tablet. What can I do to make him and other children like him to communicate with other kids and give up this technological devices.



As salamu alaykum,
This is sadly a common problem in today’s society. Children are often connected to devices instead of connected to people. The problem, as well as the answer is quite simple. His parents need to “disconnect” him from these devices! A five year old should not be on a device 24-7. An hour a day at most for fun, learning or some other useful activity I can see, but other than that, no. Perhaps you can suggest to your brother that he and his wife are the only ones who have control over their child’s usage of these devices. It is the parents who are calling the shots, not the child. Or at least that is how it is supposed to be. You may want to point out (after an educational search on the negative effects of children & devices) how harmful it is to their child’s development to let him isolate in another virtual world. I would kindly suggest to him that the time his child is spending using all these devices should be stopped and replaced with real life experiences and people. Insha’Allah, your brother will heed your advice and unplug his son. We wish you the best, please let us know how it turns out.


As salamu `alaykum, after I gave birth to my daughter, I stopped working. Consequently, I lost lots of social contacts and I felt lonely and became ill numerous times. At this moment, our child is 2-year-old, we spend all day at home together, we annoy each other. My child needs to play with others, and I miss my personal time. Sometimes, I get very angry at her. When my husband comes home from work he sometimes loses his temper. My husband and I were wondering if you could advise us. How can we be better parents? How can we spend our time better with our daughter? I also have a question for myself: is a woman allowed to work, with her husband helping during the house routine? For some reason, people make me believe that a husband's place in marriage is only work and that he shouldn't be involved with all house matters and parenting. Thank you



as salamu alaykum sister,
I understand your frustration and loneliness. While I am not sure if this is your first child, many mothers go through these feelings. Especially if you had a career, or went to a university and are use to the intellectual, creative and social stimulation from peers. Going from a working woman to a full time stay at home mom can be a big change. However, you can find much joy and satisfaction in this if you can find a balance.
Insha’Allah, you and daughter need to get out and socialize with other moms and children. This will connect you to other mothers who may be going through the same changes, stressors and loneliness. It will help you to develop social ties that can be fulfilling while at the same time give your daughter an opportunity to gain social skills amongst other children her age. Additionally, I would kindly recommend that if possible, you make time for yourself to pursue a hobby, go out for dinner with a friend, take a class or join a gym. These are the “special times” moms need to dedicate to themselves to feel connected and balanced. The same goes for your husband. He needs time to himself as well. Most important, you both need alone time together. This will help you both to reconnect, reduce stress, and rekindle good feelings again insha’Allah. If you have family members or friends who can baby sit while you have your “self care time” and time with your husband, I would highly suggest utilizing those connections. When you both are closer, more balanced and less stressed, you will also become better parents. Going for family outings to Islamic events (festivals, parks, events, etc) is also “family” building. As far as a woman working, of course a woman can work, it is her choice, unless you made an agreement with your husband that when you had children, you would stop. In that case you both would have to re-evaluate how it is working for you and reach a compromise. Husband’s help around the house as well. The Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) helped around the home, he even mended garments that needed sewing! Marriage is a union in which each one has specific roles, yet they are not confined to these roles as we see from how the Prophet (PBUH) helped around the house and his first wife Khadija was a business woman. Thus, from our beloved Prophet (PBUH) we can see the beauty and diversity in a marriage that is truly based on Islamic values.
Lastly, Insha’Allah, both you and your husband should taking parenting classes. Parenting classes can provide you with skill sets for dealing with stress, handling difficult behaviors from children as well as teach you how to parent better. They are offered at community centers as well as some Islamic Centers and Masjids, which would be more ideal. We wish you the best sister, please let us know how you are doing.


I have started to teach my 3.6-year boy about Allah. I tell him that we pray to thank Allah for all the good things He gives us. Two days ago, my son had a nightmare so I told him that if we read the Qur`an together before sleeping, he will be protected from the animals that bite him in his nightmare. But my husband thinks it is too early to tell him all that as I am not mentioning hell or devils or anything like that. I need your advice on this.



As salamu alaykum,
I am not an Islamic Scholar but I think you are correct in handling the situation as you are. You are teaching your son about Allah’s love, mercy and protection at an age appropriate level. This is most important and fundamental for little children to learn, that Allah SWT is Al-Muhaymin, Ar-Rahman; Ar-Rahim. As he grows older he will be able to cognitively process the deeper concepts of Islam, but for now, he is blessed to be learning the basics as many parents do not start teaching their children to be thankful to Allah, or to turn to Him for protection until they are much older. You are doing a wonderful job mash’Allah! Insha’Allah you might also want to recite ayat al-kursi to your son as the Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) told us of it’s protective powers from evil (bad dreams) when recited. By reading this ayat to your son every night, he will begin to learn the words and later the meaning and soon recitation of it will insha’Allah come easy for him. Additionally, it will be something he will get used to reciting, which will be a blessing and protection for him as well. May Allah bless you sister for your efforts in teaching your son about Allah SWT.


As-salamu `alaykum. I’m a mother of 4 kids, 3 girls and one boy. My son who is 7 year old acting as if he is a girl not a boy. I notice d that he likes  to do every thing like his sisters; he wants to wear like them and loves to play with dolls of his sisters. He refuses to sleep alone in his bed only beside his elder sister. He loves to play with nieces and other girls than boys. I began to worry from this, I understand his surrounded by girls but I’m worried and need your advice?



As salamu alaykum sister,
Your concerns are common. Often times as children develop they can take on the interests and mannerism of the environment and people which they are around. In your son’s case, he was surrounded by girls most of the time.
One the other side, often little girls play with boy’s toys, climb tree’s, prefer boys clothes, and for lack of a better term-they are “tomboys”! They usually out grow it after a few years as I suspect your son will. The less you mention it, or ask him about it, the sooner it may dissipate. Often times when we put a great emphasis on something we don’t prefer, it makes the child go harder towards that behavior or goal. As long as it is not haram behavior, I would try re-socializing him by having play dates with other boys, have his dad, grandfathers or uncles spend more time with him. You may be able to generally recondition his tendencies by having male friends and family take an interest in him and do things with him that he finds enjoyable. Also insha’Allah, enroll him in boys groups and classes at an Islamic Center or your local Masjid so he can develop new interests and make lasting friendships with other boys his age. And don’t worry too much, this phase will insha’Allah pass soon enough!


As-salamu `alaykum. I have a two year old child boy. He is lovely and cute boy Al-hamdulelah. The problem is that he becomes afraid when we meet strange people, or hearing any loud voice. Is this because his father sometimes hits him lightly or shouts and him whenever doing something wrong. What should I do to deal with this?



As salamu alaykum dear sister,
Children are often naturally shy at this age and sometimes afraid of people they don’t know. It is a normal developmental stage which insha’Allah he will out grow. However, his dad hitting him and yelling is not appropriate parenting. If it continues, yes, your son could develop a complex in addition to feeling insecure and having low self esteem when he gets a little older. There are may ways to deal with a young child’s behavior other than hitting and yelling. I highly suggest sister, that you and your husband take some classes in parenting skills. Many community centers offer them and they provide positive ways to deal with mis-behaving children that encourages healthy growth & development insha’Allah. It appears that your husband takes his anger out on your baby, which is not right. It must be addressed. I would further suggest you encourage him to seek counseling or speak with your imam about the situation. Perhaps there are some Father Groups at your Masjid or within your local Islamic community. If he is a new dad, this could be most beneficial. We wish you the best, you are In our prayers.