My father, since he got married to my mom, has been violent. I have been seeing him beating my mother since I was four. He has been abusing me and my siblings too. Despite the fact that we live in the United States I can't do anything because my mother hasn't allowed me to. All she says is "take good education and you will be all good when you are self independent." On last Eid my mom stood up all night to cook something for EID breakfast and when it came the Eid day he told us to go for EID prayer with uncle and said he will not go.
After we came back he started hurling abuses on me and my mother. His final sentence was "Women should not go to the Mosques anyways." My mother said, "I went to the Mosque with your permission." but he wasn't ready to listen anything and started verbally abusing her again. I have seen my mom in that condition since I was 4. I feel like I never came out of depression. Anyways on EID day, while he was hurling abuses on my mother I said "It is Okay for a woman to go to the Mosque." He left to take shower, came out and called me in his bedroom. He closed the door and started beating me. I didn't even know what happened. After he beat me so bad that I couldn't breath anymore I laid on the floor.
He told me "I will kill you and take your dead body to Pakistan." He beat my mother that day too. This happened on Eid Al Adha 2017. He used to beat us before too but since this Eid he has been beating me or my mom every other day. He makes me do exact opposite of what I want to do and he doesn't care about the consequences. Two times, I tried to kill myself but then my mom's struggles of 20 years came in front of me and I couldn't kill myself because she needs me.
For four years, I worked in his store without getting a single dollar. Because of my good grades and behavior in school, I was offered some great jobs but he never allowed me to do so. Now that I am in college and I don't have money to pay for college he taunts me while paying for my monthly payments. I have bad back pain which started last year. Not even once he took me to the doctor instead he makes fun of my pain. Yes!! He is my biological father. He loves his money and his siblings more than anything in this world. Now that I have told the story, I have a few questions for you
1. In this case is it okay to call the police?
2. If he is trying to beat me to death (which he would have already if my aunt didn't stop him on Eid Day) is it okay for me to be defensive?
3. I used to pray that Allah show him the right path but I am at the point where I only have bad words for him in my heart. Is this a sin?
4. In future when I am self-independent is it okay for me to leave him?
5. I am in extremely bad depression. I am a Hafiz e Quran and therefore I do a lot of rituals in our town's Mosque including being an Imam. If I called the police or anything the entire community would consider me wrong and blame me for everything. What can I do in this situation other than killing myself?
Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh brother,
Since you have posted specific questions, I will answer them one by one.
1- This is abuse! There is no problem in calling the police! He is hurting you and your mother severely and is even threatening to kill you. Your lives are at risk and it is important that you do seek help for everyone’s sake. The police are there to protect you in cases like this and in sha Allah they will be able to.
2-Of course you can use self defense, you are trying to protect yourself from harm and this is not a bad thing. We are supposed to take care of ourselves and protect ourselves from harm where possible.
3-It is understandable given the situation why you only have bad feelings towards him. However, you don’t need to let that stop you praying for good for him. Allah can turn the hearts of anyone and He could do so to your father anytime. Of course, you would love to have a loving father who treats you well, and this is possible ad much as it seems it is not right now. So, despite everything, even if you call the police or everyone comes to know of what is going on, continue to pray for him.
4-Once you are independent, it is fine to leave him. Given the situation now, there would be no blame on you if you left sooner even. Eventually, you will get married in sha Allah and start your own family and so it would be expected that you part ways at the point at least. Of course, if he changes his ways it will be important to maintain ties with him as per Islamic values, and perhaps by then he will have come to miss your presence and realized the error of his ways and become a reformed man and deal with you kindly.
5-It is a shame the community would consider you being worn if you called the police because you have e not done anything wrong. Your father is in the wrong for the abuse he subjects you to. This is not ok and is not an issue that should just be swept under the carpet or accepted as ok behavior. Of course, having the whole community aware of the situation is less than ideal, but you have to weigh up what’s worse; withstanding the abuse and the community believing everything is ok, or reporting him, and knowing yourself and the community knowing about what’s happening.
Perhaps, of its easier for you-you could ask a single trusted person to intervene first, someone who you know your father will respond favorably too. However, this comes at the risk of making things worse if your father then comes to know you told someone. If possible, you might consider going away somewhere for a few days to get a break from the chaos and give you the space to reflect clearly. These are options to think about. Make istikhara and make your choice with conviction.
If you are feeling suicidal I would also urge you to please go and seek ongoing counseling to deal with the psychological issues that you are facing.
May Allah make it easier for you and guide you all to the best.