Ads by Muslim Ad Network

aaa

Parenting and Family Issues Counseling Session

Hannah Morris
10 September, 2018

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah for answering the questions.

Answers will be online very soon.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

Ads by Muslim Ad Network

[email protected]

Monday, Sep. 10, 2018 | 12:00 - 14:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

I want to marry a Shia woman and i'm a Sunni but our parents are not ready to accept this marriage and the girl is ready to accept Islam what should I do so that our parents agree our marriage



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

We often read stories of people wanting to marry from another culture or even another religion and how this causes problems with the parents who do not wish to see this marriage happen. The same kind of thing would apply in this situation.

 

Firstly,  try and understand things from their perspective. Think about why they are not ready to accept this marriage. Most likely they fear their child going astray being influenced by their spouse; being lead astray to beliefs that are incompatible with what they believe to be the truth. As your parents, they have done their best to give you the best upbringing and unlike you with the correct manners and beliefs and would be devastated if this were to be taken away from you.

 

Ads by Muslim Ad Network

They know from experience how influential ones spouse can be and how little effort it would take from tour furor wife to convince you of other than what they have raised you under. This can even happen without purposefully trying to sway someone to believe otherwise. So, you see, if you try and see things from their perspective, you can understand why they would be concerned about you marrying someone from a different sect who hold slightly different beliefs to you. Understanding this will place you in a better position to approach them more successfully about the matter.

Further to this, there are some other steps you can take to move things forward.

 

Arranging a meeting between both families will give them the chance to get to know each other for who they are rather than judging them by their perceptions of the beliefs held by an alternative sect. Who knows, perhaps they could even be a positive influence on each other in guiding them to the correct beliefs. Often people can be clouded by misconceptions that can easily be rectified through simple dialogue. Perhaps it may take some time, or a few meetings to overcome this, but if the marriage to succeed in the long run, this would be very helpful.

 

Additionally, you can also go and meet her family and her yours alone son that they can get to know you individually for who will be potentially marrying their child. They want to be confident that their child is marrying a good person who will care for them in the best way.  After all, then is who they are entrusting them to for life, in sha Allah. This confidence will make them more willing to accept the proposal also and feel more comfortable with the situation.

 

Also, make sure to make istikhara regularly about this marriage asking Allah to guide you forward with it if is good for you and your Deen, or to turn your heart away from it if it is not.

 

This may all take a bit of time and convincing, but if you are serious and it is meant to be then the results will be positive in the end, in sha Allah.

 

May Allah grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.

 

Assalam u alaikum,

I'm really depressed from past few years I just feel like I'm trapped in relationships and I can't do anything about it because they are blood relations. My father is abusive and never listen to us he is aware of all this and he feel proud about it. We are 4 siblings 2 sisters and 2 brother I'm 2 child. When I was born my father wasn't happy at all he was disappointed because he wanted a boy and after my birth my two brothers were born.

My father never gave importance to us he always demotivate us and always tell us that we can't do anything in our lives. He even had affairs and we are aware of those affairs. When his brother died we were kids at that time he started behavior with his brothers wife and treated his children like they were his own. My aunt use to say bad things about my mother and my father use to beat her. It was like we don't have father. My father uses to give us little financial support and my aunt kids use to wear branded clothes. A few years ago they started creating property issues with my father and at that time they had a huge fight and they cut all ties with us. Now my father is with us but he is so abusive towards us that sometimes I wish we don't have a father.

He uses foul language even with us. He even never respected my mother's family and never accepted them. Even when my nana Abu (my mother's father) died he was upset from my father and they both were not talking to each other. My mother is really hurt with all these things. My father even stopped my mother from meeting her family for years. Now the thing is my elder brother is a carbon copy of my father he is abusive use foul language even for my mother and father. He hates father even he once have a physical fight with father. My father never prays not even jumma or Eid prayers or nor he fast.

We are so upset about all this. I'm in love with my cousin, he's from my mother's side everyone is happy but my father came to know about this now he's blackmailing us that he'll leave my mother and will through us out from our home. I really want to marry him I just want to get out of this trap and emotional abuse. And marrying my cousin is the only option because he is the one with whom I can spend my life with, he respects women and he is a good guy. Plzz help me I am so depressed.



Wa alaikum salaam wa Rahmatullah wa barakatuh sister,

 

It sounds like quite a confusing tangle of events that has resulted in abuse and disrespect and has ultimately led to the downfall of your emotional wellbeing.

 

Alhamdulilah, you have found someone that you want to marry that you see as the root out of this cycle of unhappiness for you that will lead to a good relationship unlike those you have seen and been subjected to all these years. Islamically you are permitted to marry who you want within the guidelines of Islam of course, without your father’s approval so it is entirely an option.

 

Ads by Muslim Ad Network

However, he has also stated how he will ruin the family if you chose to make this decision. That places you in a difficult situation where you could potentially escape this negative cycle, but yet you will leave behind difficulties for your mother, who, by the sounds of it, is an innocent party in all of this as well. You do not want to deal with the got of knowing that your actions may start difficulties for her, even if they are acceptable and permissible.

 

Perhaps, you could consider approaching someone else to talk to your father there about this matter, someone who you know he respects and will respond favorably to. This may ease the situation to allow it to occur without further incident. It may be that this person can be a positive influence in terms of his Deen as well.

 

You say that he doesn’t pray or attend the mosque so it would seem that right now he is far from Allah. A good solution to the whole scenario would be if he were to practice devoutly again. If he were close to Allah, he would fear Him enough not to be abuse to his family and not to have extramarital affairs as these are grave sins and will evoke the wrath of Allah. Something that people with firm faith don’t want to experience.

 

Therefore, the indirect approach you can take here is to try and inspire him back to the straight path.  Begin with prayers for him and asking Allah to guide him. Pray in front of him, invite him to attend the masjid with you, invite pious Allah fearing friends and family to the home a who may be a positive influence on him.. Maybe he won’t comply at first, but gentle persistence and prayers may work in sha Allah. It will require patience, but in time if he is guided aright, his behavior will also change for the good.

 

May Allah bring peace and happiness into your household and guide you father aright. Maybe grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.

As salaam alikum,

Before marriage, I was working and financially helping my father. Now I have a 5yr old baby and am settled in Dubai coz of my son responsibility I quiet the job. But my parents expecting me to help financially by restarting the carrier again as a child is going to school. My brother is taking care of all financial matters of parents. My father is upset as am not helping financially. I want to be good with my parents and want his blessing but he is not talking to me and I feel depressed. If my parents are not happy then what kind of a person am. If my parents curse me does it affect my life? Is am wrong somewhere? Please help me and advice me.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

As a woman, you are not obliged to work or provide for anyone, including your own husband and child. Of course, there are times when it becomes a necessity when things get financially constrained and a woman feels they have to in order to make ends meet for the family, but she should never feel pressured to do so.

 

You do have a responsibility to respect and take care of your parents and even obey them save in matters where they advise you against Islamic values. You may call this a case of them advising you to do something against Islam as you do not have to work, but at the same time you don’t want to disobey and cause difficulties in the family.

Ads by Muslim Ad Network

 

If your son is bearing their financial responsibilities then I’m not sure why they would make such a problem over you not working to further support them, except they are concerned for his own welfare and giving too much of what he earns to them and wants you to help him out. Perhaps this is something you could speak to him about.

 

When there are problems like this, there is almost always the opportunity to find the middle ground that will satisfy all parties. It will require some compromise from all, but will also serve to me that needs of all to some extent.

 

In your situation, perhaps you might consider working part-time, even from home as there are now plenty of distance opportunities available also these days. This way, you can still fulfil your roles and obligations to your son as his mother and be there for him when he is not at school, yet you can go to work during school hours and place yourself in a situation where you can work and earn a bit to be able to support your parents and amend relations with them also.

 

Once relations are me comfortable again and you are back on talking terms, you could speak calmly about the situation with them if it is not working out for you to work part-time. If you can’t manage it and it causes you difficulties then you will be in a good position to let them know before it gets out of hand again like it is now.

 

In the mean time,  if your father is not talking to you,  perhaps try approaching him through and intermediary, such as your brother who will be able to a plain the situation more rationally to him.

 

May Allah bring peace and happiness in your family once more and guide you to do what is best in this situation.

 

My father, since he got married to my mom, has been violent. I have been seeing him beating my mother since I was four. He has been abusing me and my siblings too. Despite the fact that we live in the United States I can't do anything because my mother hasn't allowed me to. All she says is "take good education and you will be all good when you are self independent." On last Eid my mom stood up all night to cook something for EID breakfast and when it came the Eid day he told us to go for EID prayer with uncle and said he will not go.

After we came back he started hurling abuses on me and my mother. His final sentence was "Women should not go to the Mosques anyways." My mother said, "I went to the Mosque with your permission." but he wasn't ready to listen anything and started verbally abusing her again. I have seen my mom in that condition since I was 4. I feel like I never came out of depression. Anyways on EID day, while he was hurling abuses on my mother I said "It is Okay for a woman to go to the Mosque." He left to take shower, came out and called me in his bedroom. He closed the door and started beating me. I didn't even know what happened. After he beat me so bad that I couldn't breath anymore I laid on the floor.

He told me "I will kill you and take your dead body to Pakistan." He beat my mother that day too. This happened on Eid Al Adha 2017. He used to beat us before too but since this Eid he has been beating me or my mom every other day. He makes me do exact opposite of what I want to do and he doesn't care about the consequences. Two times, I tried to kill myself but then my mom's struggles of 20 years came in front of me and I couldn't kill myself because she needs me.

For four years, I worked in his store without getting a single dollar. Because of my good grades and behavior in school, I was offered some great jobs but he never allowed me to do so. Now that I am in college and I don't have money to pay for college he taunts me while paying for my monthly payments. I have bad back pain which started last year. Not even once he took me to the doctor instead he makes fun of my pain. Yes!! He is my biological father. He loves his money and his siblings more than anything in this world. Now that I have told the story, I have a few questions for you

1. In this case is it okay to call the police? 2. If he is trying to beat me to death (which he would have already if my aunt didn't stop him on Eid Day) is it okay for me to be defensive? 3. I used to pray that Allah show him the right path but I am at the point where I only have bad words for him in my heart. Is this a sin? 4. In future when I am self-independent is it okay for me to leave him? 5. I am in extremely bad depression. I am a Hafiz e Quran and therefore I do a lot of rituals in our town's Mosque including being an Imam. If I called the police or anything the entire community would consider me wrong and blame me for everything. What can I do in this situation other than killing myself?



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh brother,

 

Since you have posted specific questions, I will answer them one by one.

 

1- This is abuse! There is no problem in calling the police! He is hurting you and your mother severely and is even threatening to kill you. Your lives are at risk and it is important that you do seek help for everyone’s sake. The police are there to protect you in cases like this and in sha Allah they will be able to.

2-Of course you can use self defense, you are trying to protect yourself from harm and this is not a bad thing. We are supposed to take care of ourselves and protect ourselves from harm where possible.

Ads by Muslim Ad Network

 

3-It is understandable given the situation why you only have bad feelings towards him. However, you don’t need to let that stop you praying for good for him. Allah can turn the hearts of anyone and He could do so to your father anytime. Of course, you would love to have a loving father who treats you well, and this is possible ad much as it seems it is not right now. So, despite everything, even if you call the police or everyone comes to know of what is going on, continue to pray for him.

 

4-Once you are independent, it is fine to leave him. Given the situation now, there would be no blame on you if you left sooner even. Eventually, you will get married in sha Allah and start your own family and so it would be expected that you part ways at the point at least. Of course, if he changes his ways it will be important to maintain ties with him as per Islamic values, and perhaps by then he will have come to miss your presence and realized the error of his ways and become a reformed man and deal with you kindly.

 

5-It is a shame the community would consider you being worn if you called the police because you have e not done anything wrong. Your father is in the wrong for the abuse he subjects you to. This is not ok and is not an issue that should just be swept under the carpet or accepted as ok behavior. Of course, having the whole community aware of the situation is less than ideal, but you have to weigh up what’s worse; withstanding the abuse and the community believing everything is ok, or reporting him, and knowing yourself and the community knowing about what’s happening.

 

Perhaps, of its easier for you-you could ask a single trusted person to intervene first, someone who you know your father will respond favorably too. However, this comes at the risk of making things worse if your father then comes to know you told someone. If possible, you might consider going away somewhere for a few days to get a break from the chaos and give you the space to reflect clearly. These are options to think about. Make istikhara and make your choice with conviction.

 

If you are feeling suicidal I would also urge you to please go and seek ongoing counseling to deal with the psychological issues that you are facing.

 

May Allah make it easier for you and guide you all to the best.

 

 

I feel like I can never catch a break, when I was a small kid I remember my mother would get into fights with my father and he would hit her and abuse her so she took my sister and I and ran away now she has severe depression and she’s been through a lot. She tries to be a good mom sometimes but she fights a lot and swears a lot at me and I as well have severe depression and when she yells at me.

I feel like I have to yell back and swear back to defend myself if I don’t yell back at her I feel like killing myself I feel so defeated and trapped so I have to yell back and when I try not to I cry uncontrollably just for not talking back and I know it is a sin to treat your mother badly. I am scared, God will be extremely angry at me and my place will be in hell I just don’t know what to do I want to so badly be a good child and to respect her but when she yells at me I can’t help but yell back I just want to know what Allah wants me to do in this situation so I don’t do anything he doesn’t want me to.

I’m scared God will give me a bad child to teach me a lesson but I can’t help it I try to be a good person it’s so hard I’m always sad I always feel like dying and when she yells and tells me to kill myself I yell back or I resort to cutting or eating a bunch of sleeping pills I wish I could just be respectful and ignore her when she’s upset at me but I can’t ignore it it’s like I’m crazy or just a really bad Muslim but I don’t want to be I want to be happy and a good daughter so god will love me. The only reason I haven’t killed myself is for god but my place will be in hell anyways if I keep talking back to my mom. Is there anything I can do to be a better Muslim anything that will help me?



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

The first thing I would recommend if you are feeling suicidal is to seek ongoing counseling on this matter. Alhamdulilah, your fear of Allah has prevented you from taking things any further, but your situation is tough and it would help to seek counseling.

 

In the meantime I can give you support on how to try and manage your situation more effectively.

 

Ads by Muslim Ad Network

It sounds like your mother went through a lot and has a lot of built up anger and aggression as a result. As the one closest to her, you automatically become the target of this. This does not mean that she doesn’t like you, you are just the easiest person to take it out on as she knows you love her unconditionally and will not desert her. This does not make her behavior ok, but it’s useful for you to understand that seeing things from her perspective will help you to feel more empathy for her and deal with her more effectively.

 

You know already that it is important to respect your mother and shouting at her is not so respectful, however, she is saying bad things to you and this makes you feel angry which is what fuels your words back at her.

 

The first thing you can do is try and identify any triggers. Are they any particular things or events that trigger your mother’s angry outbursts? If you can identify then you can either walk away when you see it is coming or, you can assist her to avoid these situations herself so that she won’t even get angry in the first place.

 

Regarding your own response, there is actually beautiful guidance on controlling your anger, such as simply not saying anything and controlling your tongue,  making wudu and changing your position by sitting or lying depending on where you are. All of these things require you to refrain from responding.

 

This can be very difficult when someone is hurting you so much. In this case what you could do to help restrain yourself is to either try taking a deep breath and more if necessary, have something to hand, in your pocket or so that you could squeeze tightly to direct your energy to this instead of your tongue or just walking away before you say anything.

 

Once her angry outburst is over and you’ve had time to cool down approach her gently and talk about things calmly. Perhaps during this time, you can encourage her to attend counseling herself to deal with her anger issues and deal with the root cause of her feelings.

 

May Allah bring peace and happiness in to your household and ease the pain of you both.