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On Parenting & Family Issues (Counseling Session)

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the questions and answers.

More answers are coming!

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Thursday, May. 10, 2018 | 08:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
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Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

As-salmu Alaikum, I need your advice. I’m a mother of three children. During fasting Ramadan, I feel myself very nervous and I always shout and yell at my children for the least thing. I tried several times to calm down but in vain. Now I’m very worried that my behavior will make my children hate Ramadan. Please help me to control my nerve during the holy month. Jazakum Allah Khairan!



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

You are right to be concerned about this, but you are also doing the right thing in stepping up seeking advice. It is highly likely that your increased agitation during Ramadan could have the impact that you fear in your children as they will come to see Ramadan as the time when mum is more mean to them than ever.

 

This could then cause them to resent this time of year as they begin to feel anxious that the time is coming up. This will not be helpful to them at all then in the future as they will have no positive connection with the month and will not reap the same benefits as they could at this special time.

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All is not lost however as there are plenty of things that you can do to help yourself and them.

 

•Stay active in acts of ibadah at all times especially during this month. This comes with multiple benefits; the rewards of actually doing the act itself, the positive impact it will have on your children and finally it will place a softness in your heart due to an increased closeness and awareness of Allah. Having this constant awareness will make you fear acting negatively towards your children for fear of punishment from Allah.

•Do fun things with your children. There are many activities that you can be doing with them during this time. There may be events local to you, or if not there are many resources available online that you can do at home with them. This will enable you to work collaboratively with them doing something fun. This will boost your relations with them as well as encourage positive associations with Ramadan for them which will contribute to developing a love of Islam.

•Make sure to eat a healthy diet during the times that you can eat. This will have a good physiological effect on your body and ward away any bad actions and words said as a result of anger.

•Learn some simple anger management techniques such as deep breathing, or walking away from a frustrating scenario before saying anything and returning to it when you are calm to avoid saying things in the moment of anger this will also have the benefits of teaching your children good anger management skills too.

 

May Allah reward your desire to amend your difficulties and encourage a love of Ramadan and Islam in your children.


As-salmu Alaikum, I’m a mother of 2 girls the elder one is 7-years-old. This Ramadan I was planning to get her to start fasting, do you think her age is appropriate to fast or shall I wait until she gets older?



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

At 7 your daughters are not yet obliged to fast. However, if they would like to fast then it can be incredibly beneficial for them to try. Do make it clear that if they do not feel well at any point, then they do not need to continue.

 

You can make this easy for them by doing a number of things.

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•If they want to try fasting then let them try. At this age it is not yet obligatory, but they can still benefit from attempting. Do not force them yet as they are not obliged. This could possibly make them have bad feelings towards Ramadan.

•Encourage them to fast on weekends rather than school days where you can be with them at all times to monitor how they are getting on, as well as engaging in Islamic activities.

•If they do fast in a school day, consult with their teachers at the possibility of allowing them to give brief presentation to their class. This will encourage them to have pride in their actions as well as educating their peers and teachers who will be able to support them.

•Keep a reward chart to monitor how many days they fast

•If they are unable to fast an entire day, they could just try fasting half days to practice fasting and get a feel for what it’s like.

•Let them help with making iftar and choose what they want to east

•As they grow older you can then encourage them to fast more days and for longer periods

 

Encouraging them to fast from this young age is a great way to teach them good lessons in gratitude and patience, as it does for us as adults.

 

May Allah reward you for trying to instill a positive image of Islam in your children from a young age, encircling them o the Deen. May they grow to be pious pillars of the community.

 


As-salmu Alaikum dear counselor, I have 4 month-old baby, and I breastfeeding him, my question is shall I fast in Ramadan while breastfeeding? Thank you for your advice.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

Masha Allah, congratulations on your newborn. There are some slight differences of opinion regarding the extent to which you are obliged to fast and how to make it up. I would advise seeking advice from a scholar on this first.

 

From my limited knowledge, we know that Allah will not obligate someone to do something at the risk of one’s or someone else’s life, such as your baby, especially if they are solely reliant on your breast milk.

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Regardless of whether you are advised to fast or not from an Islamic perspective, there are a few things that you can consider to assist you in getting the best from this Ramadan.

 

If you have other children yourself then you may already be aware of how fasting impacts on your milk supply and whether fasting may compromise this. If not, you may consider carefully monitoring your supply by things such as how full your breasts are, how demanding they are to be fed and how many wet and soiled nappies they have throughout the day.

 

Even if you are permitted to not observe fasting during Ramadan, you will likely be obliged to catch up at a later date so you might consider the option of fasting some days during the month so that you have less burden to catch up on remaining fasts at a later date.

 

If you choose to fast all or some days, then make sure to drink plenty and follow a nutritious diet during eating times to reduce the chances of your supply diminishing.

 

If you notice your supply diminishing, you might consider supplementing your baby’s dietary intake with formula as well during this time if necessary, but we do know that your baby also has the right to be breast fed until 2 years if you are able. Perhaps you might pump milk during this time also as a means to stimulate milk production also to reduce the chances of your supply reducing too.

 

Regardless of whether it is obligatory for you to fast or not, use Ramadan as a time to get closer to Allah and engage in plenty of acts of ibadah during this time. This will be good for both you and baby.

 

May Allah reward you desire to give your baby the best and may He make your baby the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.

 


As-salamu` alaykum. My husband and I cut our relationship with our 2 older daughters (ages 23 and 24) about a few weeks ago because both don't believe in Islam or religion in general. Both are atheists, although they have wonderful qualifications. They are also involved with American boys who don't practice any religion. Both my husband and I pray regularly, but I didn’t have much time for them because of my work. My husband was very nervous especially after losing his job which was a crisis in the family.

My question is about the boys; we're teaching them Islam and prayer, also we explained to them the reason for cutting our relationship with their sisters. We worry about the emotional effect on them and their view of Islam and their view of family ties in Islam. Jazakum Allahu khayran.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

It is a very sad situation when children go astray from the path despite efforts to guide them aright. At the same time, we know the importance of maintaining family ties. However, when family members are not behaving in accordance within Islam it becomes difficult to maintain ties.

 

Even though your daughters are older now, you can still have a positive influence on them and are still responsible to try and guide them. Unfortunately, they have met people who don’t seem to be a good influence on them, but that doesn’t mean that they will never come back to the straight path.

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At the very least, continue to pray for them. Make du’a that Allah will turn their hearts and guide them.

 

Cutting them off may only contribute to them straying further from the path as it could make them feel bad towards Islam as it is the thing that caused the divide between you and them. Instead, it is better to be a good role model to them as you have been throughout childhood. Let them see how beautiful Islam is and how much happiness it brings you. If you are not comfortable to have such a close relationship, you can still do these things through minimal contact.

 

This will further have an impact on your boys who you are presently most concerned about in a positive way. Similarly, the current situation may also taint their view of Islam in the same way as it may do with your daughters. It is possible that they may also come to see Islam as a thing that has caused a divide in the family resulting in them not seeing their sisters.

 

We know the importance of maintaining family ties in that is good for emotional well-being. This is why difficult family relations can have such a detrimental effect on psychological and emotional wellbeing. You may then, therefore, consider how your relationship with your daughters is or will effect their wellbeing.

 

You may, therefore, consider allowing them to also have minimal contact with them too. It may be that they good Islamic behavior in front of them may inspire them to follow the Deen again, especially since they are younger.

 

Obviously, you would need to be careful that the girls don’t say or do anything that might cause the boys to question their own Deen. Your concerns about this are understandable having already seen your 2 girls go astray.

 

Perhaps you may just organize a family gathering once a month or so. This way you will maintain ties with minimal risk of negative influence from the girls, especially since the boys will be with you so you can be sure that they are not being negatively influenced by them and all contact between them is positive.

 

In such gatherings you might begin by not being forceful about Islam, simply letting the girls feel like a positive part of the family unit whilst indirectly seeing how happy Islam is making you all and the positive impact it’s had in your characters. Once the test is strengthened, you will be in a better position to be more direct in your approach to guiding them back to Islam and they will be more receptive to you. Furthermore, this will provide a healthy and nurturing environment for your boys.

 

May Allah reward your desire to raise your children on the straight path. May He guide you all aright.


Assalam Alaikum, I'm an 18-years-old girl and I need some advice. It has been 25 years since my mom and dad got married and I've rarely seen them happy together. When I was a kid I didn't get much bothered by their arguments, I overlooked it but as I'm growing up I can't just turn away from the fact that my mom is hurting and my dad doesn't even care much. My friends used to convince me by saying that it's a normal thing for parents to disagree and argue from time to time and I shouldn't be bothered much because eventually, things will turn out to be good.

But day by day things are getting worse and I see no hope, the love between them is dying. It's almost impossible for them to spend a day without arguments. They don't exactly fight, it's like they don't care about each other anymore. Both of my parents love me and I just want to see them happy together. I just don't know how to do this.

I always make dua for them but in the past few days, I feel like I'm losing hope. Please tell me some dua that I can make for my parents to restore the love between them and please make dua for my family.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

Parents often don’t realize the impact of their relations on their children. Unfortunately, in cases like yours, the impact can be devastating. It can lead children to have bad ideas about what marriage is and should be and ultimately lead them to have bad relationships themselves as this is what they perceive to be normal.

 

With your friends telling you that this is also normal, you become at risk of this. They are correct that disagreements between spouses are normal, but only to a certain extent. It seems that your own parents are having problems beyond the odd disagreement. This isn’t normal and nor is it healthy for them, or for you.

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It is heartbreaking for a child to see the 2 people that they love the most fighting and so unhappy when all they want to see is them feeling happy. Parents don’t often realize this, or play it down since the children are not directly part of the argument.

 

Therefore, one thing you could do if you feel comfortable with, is to let them know how sad it makes you feel to see them always arguing and unhappy. Perhaps they are not aware of the impact of their behavior. If you are not comfortable to do this yourself, you might consider asking someone else who knows you all to tell them that they can see that their negative relations and arguments are making you upset.

 

If you are comfortable with, you may even suggest marriage counseling to them so that they can sort out their differences with a professional who can guide them.

 

Perhaps you could find a way to organize a chance for them to do something nice together, even if it’s just going out for dinner, or you could even be the one to cook for them at home and set up a romantic dinner for them. Often couples lose sight of why they fell in love with one another, getting stuck in the same routine day after day which only turns a relationship stale. Spending time together,  doing something romantic together can help to encourage a more loving and caring approach to the relationship.

 

Another thing to try could be encouraging them to try something entirely new. You can be involved in this too. If there’s something that you or they have always wanted to do you could either organize it yourself or encourage them too. Done something totally different can be not only a route to having fun but also breaking free from the usual mundane cycle. Again, this could be another way to change their routine of fighting, coming together to try something new and fun. Something to laugh about and create new and positive memories.

 

Aside from this, never give up hope. It is important to remain patient in your prayers for them in the hope that things will change between them. Continue to make du’a for them consistently. Especially with the blessed month of Ramadan approaching, now is a perfect time to pray for them. Make du’a for them during the times that we are informed that Allah is most responsive to prayers, such as during the last third of the night and upon breaking the fast.

 

May Allah make it easy for you and may He plant the love back between your parents that they will be the coolness of each others eyes once more.


I always feel that I have been neglected and bullied during the process of growing up. I was physically abused several times by my parents. They used to punish me at any complaints they would hear of without cross-checking. Their approach always took me against them, I took bad steps in my teenage life. I got married at twenty-one, without my parent's consent. They accepted my marriage after four years.

Alhamdulillah, I am fine with my husband now. But my father would always try to criticise my husband at his absence, in fact, he would criticise his name. The financial condition that we have, is not very well, but well enough to lead life respectfully. My father would always put me through a feeling that I am a failure. I avoid going to my parents’ house and communicate as less as possible. Is it something disgusting that I am doing? Please, let me know if a child is abused by the parents, what are the consequences of the material life and hereafter?



 

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

Unfortunately when parents abuse their children as yours did you the consequences do not only occur I  the moment for the child but last into an adult too. It can often cause people to go completely astray as a means of coping with the psychological difficulties. It seems that at some point you did experience this as a teenager, but alhamdulilah, you successfully passed this phase and now happily married.

 

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It is unfortunate that your parents continue to abuse you in more physical ways even now as an adult. In Islam, we are obliged to respect our parents, but that does not mean that we should stand for their abuse. However, it is possible to maintain ties to abide by Islamic obligation, without maintaining so much contact that you are exposed to such abuse on a regular basis. Therefore the way you are managing your situation at the moment, Masha Allah is commendable. You are maintaining contact, but have kept it minimal.

 

What you need to know is that you are not a failure. Don’t let your parent’s comments get to you I this way. Success and failure are in the eyes of Allah. After all, He will be the one to judge you at the end of the day. Therefore, pay heed to any comments they make, and keep minimal cot act as you are.

 

The fact that you are even concerned about the consequences of your behavior in the Hereafter suggests a level of taqwa and awareness and fear of Allah. These are important traits that you will be judged on, not on your level of success and wealth in this life. You also continue to respect your parents despite their comments, which again, is a virtuous deed.

 

If you feel comfortable to now that you’re an adult, you might even tell them that the way they talk to you makes you feel upset, or else have someone else tell them that they can see that their comments towards you are making you upset ad it may be that they have gotten into a habit of making these comments and don’t even see the hurt it causes you any more.

 

Repel their bad comments with kind as difficult as it is and in sha Allah they will stop as they come to feel uncomfortable behaving in such a way to someone who is so kind back to them. It is difficult to be mean to someone when they are nothing but kind to you.

 

Show a strong front with your husband. Let them see that you are strong and happy together and that no matter what they say about him or your marriage does not make a difference, because he makes you happy and that’s all that matters and all that should matter to them too.

 

Do understand, however, that behaving kindly back towards them does not excuse their behavior toward ls you. Their abusive ways are unacceptable and you are responding in a very respectful way. May Allah reward you. Continue to pray for them, for Allah to turn and soften their hearts.

 

May Allah give you the strength to be patient with the situation and reward your respectful behavior towards your parents.