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Parenting & Family Issues (Counseling Session)

Salamu ‘alaikum dear brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the answers to the questions below.

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Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

[email protected]

Sunday, Nov. 12, 2017 | 12:00 - 14:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

I broke my parent's trust by having a boyfriend and they found out about us. Mum and dad keep suspecting and doubting about me and I don't know how to gain their trust back. Even if I'm telling the truth, they think I'm still lying. They're not really religious either but I keep praying they will forgive me. I have broken their trust before but this time it's worse.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

Despite your parents not being very religious, the fact that they are disappointed by you having a boyfriend is very reassuring that they are looking out for your best interests. We know that Islamically, having a boyfriend is unacceptable and there are many good reasons behind this.

 

Your parents are older and more experienced than you which is why they are more aware of the dangers of this, regardless of whether they are practising or not so you would be wise to follow their advice. However,  it is evident from what you write that you are sorry for what you have done anyway, but the difficulty now lies in trying to regain their trust again.

 

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In addition to seeking forgiveness from your parents, you should also begin by seeking forgiveness from Allah. As you do so, feel comforted in the knowledge that Allah loves to forgive. Do also be aware that part of seeking forgiveness is to avoid falling into the same sin again. Therefore it is important that you do all you can to avoid being in a situation where you might feel the need to have a boyfriend again.

 

A good way to begin is to avoid free mixing and being in environments where you will be with other boys, especially alone. This includes in online situations also which can be one of the biggest challenges in today’s world. Not only will this prevent you from being in a situation where you might be tempted to get a boyfriend, but will reassure your parents that you are not potentially out with any boys.

 

Hang out with good friends and bring them to your house to meet your parents so they can be confident that you are hanging around with good people who will not lead you astray. Having good friends like this will also provide you with the emotional and social support that you desire without the need for a boy to meet these desires for you.

 

You might also think of taking up a hobby and keeping busy in activities that will distract you from the feeling of needing to  have a boyfriend also. Again, this will provide your parents with the reassurance that you are using your time usefully and not being distracted by boys.

 

Understand also, that trust takes a long time to build, especially if it has been betrayed multiple times or even once, so you will need to be patient in this case and prove to them that you are doing all you can to avoid being in a situation where you might be tempted to get a boyfriend. Not only will this reassure them that you behaving in a responsible  and acceptable manner, but will be good for you also in finding alternative, more healthy ways to have fun.

 

May Allah guide you on the straight path and make your parents pleased with you and may He accept your efforts to please Him.

 

 


I have been married for 2 years and am currently 8 weeks pregnant. My husband forced me to get pregnant and now he wants a divorce, he is aware I'm pregnant. I wanted to know if an abortion is acceptable in this situation as I was forced to become pregnant and dont know how I will cope by myself if I go through with the pregnancy.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

It is very unfortunate that something so difficult has come out of such a blessing. Pregnancy and giving birth come with a multitude of blessings, but without the support of your husband, it has made the situation very difficult for you. Islamically, abortion is not acceptable unless the mother’s life is at severe risk, which in your case, whilst your husband is making things difficult, this does not endanger your life.

 

Whether your husband chooses to divorce you or not, he is still responsible for taking care of you during pregnancy and whilst breastfeeding and for the child also. So, from this perspective, regardless of whether you get divorced or not, if he is a good man, acting in line with Islamic teachings he is obliged to take care of the financial aspect of things, leaving you with one less thing to worry about.

 

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Aside from the financial aspects, pregnancy comes with many physical and emotional challenges also. If your husband is not there to support you then don’t be shy to get support from friends and family. Turning to people who have been through pregnancy before you will be well placed to get advice from those experienced in pregnancy who will be a great help for you. Even if you have friends that haven’t yet had children they can provide you with the psychological support that a woman needs as she faces the changes experienced during pregnancy.

 

Furthermore, make sure to attend all your antenatal appointments where the doctors and midwives will be able to provide further support and even direct you to the necessary services to get extra support. They will have all this local information available and will have almost certainly come across women in very similar situations to your own. They will complete regular checks to monitor your own and the babies health throughout pregnancy as well as informing you on what to expect at each stage and how to prepare for life as a new mum.

 

They will be able to direct you to local support groups also where you can meet with other ladies facing the same challenges of pregnancy as you are. It is always reassuring to know that someone else is feeling the same as you as well as getting tips on how to manage the same. You will also find online pregnancy support groups and forums if you feel a little shy in public gatherings. Again, these will provide you with the comfort and support that many women desire during pregnancy.

 

However, as well as the challenges, there are many more blessings also. Pregnancy in itself is a miracle, so make sure to savour and enjoy each moment as many women say they miss the feeling of growing a baby inside them once they are born. Even amongst any discomfort you face, there are many rewards from Allah for enduring them.

 

In fact, even on the days when you don’t feel any discomfort Allah rewards you and forgives your sins simply for being pregnant. Also remember that there are many women who are unable to have children at all despite the strong desire to have them. For many years they will try only not be given the same blessing that has been bestowed on you, so even though your circumstances are far from ideal, you have been blessed in a way that many are not.

 

May Allah grant you a healthy pregnancy and a righteous child who will be the coolness of your eyes.


My 17 year old brother is going astray. He is watching pornography, masturbating, having sex and talking to girls. He does not pray and doesn't read the Quran, in Ramadan he only pretends to be fasting and eats when no one is watching. He frequently smokes as well. I have caught him several times doing these things. It has been going on for 2 years. He just will not stop. I tell my mum everything and she gets angry at him and takes his phone away from him, but then after a while she gives it back. She is desperate and doesn't know what to do with him as he does not listen and does not think he is doing anything wrong. All his friends are Muslims too but they all do the same haram things, they all smoke and pass girls around to each other. My mum has told my dad everything but he is not doing anything. My brother's relationship with my father is not great. I do not know what to do any more, I cannot sleep, I am constantly worrying about him, I can't even revise for university anymore. I am sad for my mother and the pain she has to endure, I hate that she is going through this.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

What your brother is going through is an unfortunately common experience for many people his age. As people enter into adulthood, they face the daunting prospect of all the responsibilities that come with being an adult, especially as a young man, he will be aware of the many responsibilities that he will soon have to take on for himself. Some people are well able to manage such thoughts,  whereas others will manage it in more maladaptive ways.

 

Some will become disobedient and disrespectful to those close to them, where others will turn to other methods such as how your brother is managing himself. Unfortunately, they generally don’t see the detrimental effects that this has on those around them, as you are experiencing.

 

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It can often be helpful to be I the company of fellow brothers who can influence them in a positive way, but unfortunately, it seems in your brother’s situation, he is in the company of friends who only encourage this bad attitude and behaviour. One possible way to tackle this could be to have your parents approach the parents of his friends to make them aware of their concerns and their own children’s behaviour as they may not be aware of what is going on, therefore, doing nothing to reprimand them on their unacceptable behaviour, therefore encouraging them to continue.

 

You could also ask someone in a position of authority to talk tonight about his actions, such as the local imam. He might be better placed and respected as a man of knowledge to let him know that his behaviour is, in fact, harmful and not ok as he thinks it is. He will be well equipped to warn him of the dangers of his behaviour and the consequences if he continues.

 

Unfortunately, as you say,  he had been taking part in such behaviours for such a long time that such habits will likely be quite difficult to break out of as many of them can be addictive. He will need support from those he loves in overcoming them successfully, so in sha Allah, once he decides to change he will need your support without judgement for the is takes he had made in the past. You can make this easier for him by working with him to do alternative things that he enjoys to manage any difficult emotions he might be facing as a better, more adaptive and acceptable means to manage difficulties.

 

You can try to alleviate the situation also by openly practicing Islam in the home and calling him to join you. This will encourage you as a family to work together as positive role models to him as well as making things easier for you as you find comfort in the regular remembrance of Allah together.  Make sure that during this time you continue to patiently pray for him, for Allah to guide him to the straight path.

 

May Allah guide your brother on the straight path to grow to become a pious and respectable member of the community. May He give you and your family strength during this testing time.


My kids don't listen to me at all. My teenage daughter gives me her back while talking to her. My sons are very irritating and always create problems and use bad language. What can I do with such disobedient kids?



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

Being a parent comes with many tests and it seems that the tests children present with change depending on their age. It is common when children enter teenage years for them to exhibit difficulties such as bad language ad disobedience. This is a problem that many parents of teenagers face as they pass through this stage in life

 

As children enter the teenage years it is important for parents to understand the struggles that they face also to help us to understand why they seem to behave it such terrible ways at this age.

 

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For a start, they are going through many hormonal changes which will naturally have an effect on their mood. As they enter into the early stages of adulthood they are suddenly faced with the daunting prospect of becoming a responsible adult and all the changes that occur in the transition from childhood to adulthood and the anxieties that accompany this.

 

Different people will deal with such anxieties in different ways, often becoming quite resistant and disobedient as a means to exhibit a sense of control over something that they have so little control over.

 

Firstly, understanding this can help to realize why they behave in such a way in response to the changes that they are struggling with. There are some other this you can think about in order to help them and yourself during this difficult time. As their parent, unfortunately, you will be the first target as they know that you will love them unconditionally regardless of how they treat you and therefore you become an easy target to vent their frustrations.

 

Continue to be a positive role model in their lives, openly practicing Islam in their presence and inviting them to join you in prayer, reading Qur’an..etc. This can be a means to bring them closer to Allah as well as strengthen binds with them in mutual activities. As they get closer to Allah and the teachings of Islam they will also come to learn the importance of respecting ones parents in Islam.

 

In addition to this encourage good family relationships and do things together as a family. This will help to strengthen bonds between you doing something fun and enjoyable together in an atmosphere that is less likely to encourage any friction. This might be that you organize something together once a week or once a month at least. This will give you a chance to talk together and interact relating to something aside from those things that might typically cause problems around the home.

 

You might also have someone like an elder that you know they respect very well speak either directly or indirectly about the situation depending on how well you feel they would respond. If it is possible that they can address the issue directly, then they will address their behaviour with you and correct them in it.

 

Alternatively, they may take a more indirect approach and simply highlight the importance of kindness to parents without directly mentioning how you feel right now. Sometimes in the midst of all the changes they are going through teenage children fail to see how disrespectful they are being to their own parents and need to be told by someone else.  Furthermore, this let’s them know that there are others out there supporting you also.

 

In the meantime, it is important that they are not allowed to continue without such behaviour without being told that it is unacceptable, otherwise, they will continue to behave this way thinking that it is ok. They may even take this disrespectful behaviour outside of the home and treat others this way also, which will be harder to break free from. Continue to be firm in letting them know that their attitude is not ok alongside taking the positive steps outlined above also so stroke a balance between building positive relations whilst extinguishing bad attitudes toward you.

 

May Allah guide your children on the straight path and make them the coolness of your eyes.


Assalaamualaikum, I am a 23 years old girl and I live be with my mother, sister and father. I am facing huge setback in my career and it has affected me a lot. I still try to keep myself normal because it has started affecting my health. I am depressed; I have gained so much of weight because of it. I have started looking much older than my age. And to add to this my mom keeps taunting and insulting me for my failure and my bad looks. In every single thing that I do it cooking or doing any craft or simply sitting she finds a way to insult me and taunt me. I used to think that maybe she is also upset for me. And she is tensed for me that is why she behaves that way. But now I am not able to bear it anymore, and I have started replying back to her too, but I feel guilty because I say really mean things to her and I end up hurting her. But I can't ask for her forgiveness as I know she will abuse me more if I do that. Every day from the time I wake up till the time I sleep I keep hearing insults. She does that to my father also whenever he earns less.my mother is not a bad person. She prays a lot for my success but the way she treats me I feel like the most useless thing in the whole world. Yesterday I was doing a craft and I asked for something that I required to complete it. But she started taunting me again saying that you will end up wasting those things because you are good at nothing and then she started all her taunts as usual. There is not a single disgraceful thing in the whole world that she hasn’t told me it on looks or anything. She tells me I am not going to have a happy life ever because I talk back to her. My days are mostly spent crying and it's affecting my Heath day by day. I also feel that I may bear more losses as I reply back too now that hurts her whenever she says something to me. What should I do? I don't want to bear any more losses in my career and health. But I am not able to ignore whatever she says to me.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

Sorry to hear that you are facing difficulties with your own mother. Facing derogatory comments from anyone is tough, but when it comes from someone you love so dearly it becomes even more difficult to endure. There are several ways that you can try and make things easier for yourself in this situation, including understanding the situation from an alternative perspective, repel bad with good and engaging in positive things for yourself.

 

Often trying to understand why people behave in the ways they do can make it easier to tolerate their bad behaviour.

 

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There are a number of reasons why your mother might be behaving like this:

 

  • She is trying to push you to achieve more in the knowledge that she knows you can. Sometimes this strategy works with some people, but not all. Clearly, in your case this is having quite the opposite effect and instead making you feel very low, however, seeing it from this alternative possible reasoning you will feel less like she’s putting you down to make you feel bad and somewhat more comforted that it’s a result of her wanting the best for you.

 

  • Similarly, it may simply be a reflection of her frustration that you are not achieving as much as she knows you are capable of.

 

  • Sometimes when people are feeling bad about themselves and low in self-esteem, they seek to boost their self- esteem by putting those around them down. This makes them feel better about themselves.

 

  • Perhaps she simply doesn’t realise how much her behaviour is hurting you and possibly won’t unless you tell her.

 

Not that these potential reasons for her behavior make the treatment of yourself or father by your mother ok also, so do also be reassured that her behavior is not acceptable and you are not the one in the wrong here.

 

Regardless of the reasoning behind her behaviour there are ways that you can manage your response to it make things easier on yourself

 

As we are told in the Qur’an, an excellent way to deal with people’s mean behaviour towards us is to repel that which is bad with that which is better. This can be very difficult if we feel deeply insulted by their behaviour and requires much patience at first, but there is much wisdom in Allah’s words. Firstly, you will be free from the guilt you feel as a result of saying bad words back.

 

It is also likely that it will eventually prevent her from saying bad things to you as she may feel that she couldn’t possibly be so mean to you when you are being so kind back. In fact, it could even work to soften her heart towards you and mirror your kind words back. If it is that she is feeling bad about herself kind words back to her will boost her own self-esteem and make her behave in a kinder way as a result of a newfound positivity.

 

Furthermore, you can work on focusing on your strengths. Enjoy doing something that you are good at. Alternatively, try something new to add a bit of excitement to your life and encourage a new sense of achievement.

 

This is a great way to boost your self-esteem. Set small and achievable goals for this task and even write it down and tick them off as you achieve them so that you can visually see your achievements. Reward yourself as you reach larger targets. There are many things you could choose to do here.

 

Perhaps if it is some kind of exercise regime you work on improving your time to complete a certain exercise or distance for example. This will also help you with weight loss and feel better about yourself as a result of the chemicals released when exercising.  Or you could apply the same principle to Qur’an memorisation, with aim of memorising a certain number of ayats a day. This will also help you to remember Allah more and find solace in his remembrance during difficult times like this.

 

May Allah grant you success in your career and health and may He bring you happiness and contentment in your family life.