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Dr. Hannah: On Parenting & Family Issues (Counseling Session)

Hannah Morris
07 March, 2017

Dear Brother/Sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah Morris, for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the answers of the questions below.

Stay tuned with our next Live session next week. 

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Feel free to contact us and send your questions any time to:

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Thursday, Mar. 09, 2017 | 12:30 - 14:30 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

As-salamu `alaiukum dear counselor, My son is 15-year-old, he has said that he wants to move out  at the age of sixteen. And now he is threatening me that he will leave home when we fight for any reason. I’m very worried, please help me to change his mind and remain him with us, what should I do? 



 Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

The very thought of a child leaving home is a very difficult one for any parent to face regardless of the reason behind it, whether they go out of anger or whether they leave to be married or to get a new job. However, the fact that your son seems to have an angry attitude towards it is making it even more difficult for you, especially given that he is only 15 at present and may not yet even have the skills to care for himself on his own.

 

In this case, fighting him might only make him more likely to just pack up and go and will only heighten your distress as he leaves in anger and may be less likely to give you information on where he has gone, therefore, you might try talking with him calmly. Pick a time when you are both in a good mental space and be sure that you are not going to get angry or let your emotions get the better of you. Pick a time when you can both be alone together with no distractions. Tell him your concerns. Let him know exactly why you think it’s a bad idea for him to leave. During this time, also give him the space to tell you exactly why he wants to leave as well. If you spend the whole time telling him your own concerns, but not listening to his then he will not feel respected and like he is not being listened to.

 

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It is important that he knows that you are listening to him as much as you want him to listen to you. This way he is more likely to listen to what you have to say as he is happy that you have listened to him. In fact, you might even begin the conversation by allowing him to have his say first before you respond with your own concerns. It might be that he is not aware of all the responsibilities of living an independent life and it is during this conversation that you can talk about this. Find out if he is fully aware of what is needed and educate him on this and why this concerns you.

 

Once you have addressed this issue with a mutual respect between yourselves it might be that you can come up with a compromise that will please you both. So, for example, it may be that you agree to him leaving when he is 16 if you can be involved in the process of helping him to find a house and job. That way he will feel your support and be less likely to just leave in a moment of rage. Also, you will feel comforted in knowing where he is living, the circumstances in which he is living and where he is working. Alternatively, it may be that you agree that he remains at home until he has learned all the necessary things to live an independent life away from his parents and is able to prove that to you.

 

If you feel unable to talk to him like this, or feel he will not respond to him then you might think of asking someone else who he is close to, who you feel he might listen to more instead. For example, his father, any uncles, cousins or siblings. Certainly, if you feel that he will not listen to you or that it will only end up in an argument that might push him away then this might be another option to think about instead.

 

May Allah bring you ease and guide your son to make a sensible decision about his future.

 

 

My daughter is crazy about having a thine body, she doesn’t eat well, and when I argue with her about her health she says that she is on a diet and wants to keep her self fit, I’m really worried about her and her health. Any advice?



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

Unfortunately, in today’s world there is a lot of pressure for girls to look a certain way and it seems your daughter has fallen into this trap. This is causing you great distress as you fear for her health. Alhamdulilah, Islam has prescribed a way of life that can detract us from falling into this kind of mentality, so the solution to this difficulty can be overcome by drawing on Islamic guidance.

 

From an Islamic perspective there are 2 things in particular that we can draw on. Firstly, taking care of ourselves and our bodys, which includes eating well. Allah has entrusted us with our bodys as a house for our soul. They do not belong to us, but are merely a temporary vessel for carrying our souls. Therefore, we have the responsibility to take care of them in this world and we will be questioned about the way we performed this role. One of the requirements for this is to eat well. The fear of Allah in this case should push her to take better care of her eating habits. Secondly, if her desire to look thin is for the purpose of pleasing others or feeling good about herself then she needs to be made aware of the importance of inner beauty over outer beauty.

 

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That pleasing Allah by taking care of herself and being a good, righteous person are more valued qualities than being thin. Will Allah love her more if she is thing? Will her weight be what earns her a place in Jannah? You might also challenge her about how she would rather other people value her too; as a beautiful thin person or a good, righteous person? What qualities are more valuable to them and what she rather they value her on? Would she even want to be friends with someone who only judges her based on her weight? Would her friends think any less of her if she was not thin? You can also strengthen this point by putting the shoe on the other foot so to speak. Does she judge others by their appearance? Would she judge someone badly for being overweight? Would she choose to not be friends with someone because they were overweight? Or even just not thin? We she rather be friends with someone who was not thin, but who was a good person that she could trust and rely on? These are questions you could ask her to think about. You don’t necessarily have to actually discuss the answers with her as it may lead her to get angry and turn the conversation into an argument which will not make her any more likely to change her eating habits.

 

If she practises Islam well and her faith is strong then this will be relatively easy. However, if she doesn’t practise Islam much, or her faith is weak then it will be more challenging. In this case, you would need to encourage her to do so more, by being a positive role model and letting her observe you engage in the various daily acts of worship. This might encourage her to join you in prayer for example. As she gets more involved in her Deen, her heightened awareness of Allah will help her to see the light about what is most important. The fact is Allah asks us to cover anyway and generally it is not possible to even tell if someone is thin or overweight if clothes are worn in a modest way, not showing the shape of the body, so no one could eve tell if she were thin or not. So education on modesty in Islam once her levels of eman are at a stage that she will be receptive to this message will also help with her own perceptions about the importance of being thin or not.

 

Let her know that you care about her and that is why you are concerned about her eating habits. This way she will feel less like you are nagging her and more like you are simply concerned for her health. She will be more likely to listen and make changes if she feels it is due to your concerns as she will feel cared about. Let her know that she is beautiful as she is and highlight her good qualities. Make her feel confident about aspects of herself that are not related to her weight. This sense of confidence in herself will make her comfortable to be who she is without the need to be thin or worry about her weight. Encourage her to engage in activities that she is good in to ensure that her levels of self-esteem are high and she will be less fixated on being thin.

 

So, there a number of different ways you can approach this scenario. May Allah guide her on the straight path and help you to support her to make the best decisions.

Salam counselor,I need your help. I’m a divorced woman, living with my daughter. Recently I caught my daughter smoking(17 -year-old), and I was shocked and didn’t know what to do. The problem that her father and her wife are smokers, and she finds smoking is OK in her father ‘s family . But I can’t accept that in my home. What do I do to stop this? 



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

Indeed, it can be distressing to find out that your child is smoking and you are right to be concerned. It is obviously more difficult to address it with her when her father and his wife are also smokers, but nevertheless needs to be addressed. There a couple of ways you can do this; both directly and indirectly.

 

Firstly, if you are comfortable to, you might let her father know of your discovery and directly ask her him and his wife not to smoke in front of her any more to try and deter her from doing the same and set an example for her. Depending on their own attitude towards smoking will determine how receptive to they will be to this suggestion.

 

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Alternatively, you can take the direct approach with her and inform her of the dangers of smoking. At her age, she is probably aware of the risks she is taking and the potential damage to her health that smoking can cause, but to make the message even stronger you can draw upon Islam and the fear of Allah to make her desire to stop more. If she is strong in faith then her fear of Allah might drive her to stop, especially given that many scholars even go as far as to say that smoking is haram.

 

Haram because of the damage that it does to the vessel that carries our soul. The vessel that Allah entrusted us with and therefore to smoke is to destroy what Allah entrusted her with and Allah will not be happy with that. You could either address it directly with her like this, or less directly, by being more open in your worship and developing a relationship with Allah. Praying together, reading Qur’an together or fasting together for example. Things that will bring you closer to Allah and make the fear of Him even more. This heightened consciousness of Allah could assist in the desire to give up in order to please Him. This way you don’t have to directly tell her to fear Allah and stop, but simply let this process happen naturally.

 

Smoking is an addictive habit, so if it is that she is already addicted, then you might support her in giving up, either by directly helping her to try methods to quit such as nicotine patches or gum, or to engage in other, more productive activities that can provide the same kind of hit that smoking does, for example exercise. You can support her with this by exercising with her, going out for regular walks together. This could serve a few different purposes. Firstly, she may get breathless quickly which will make her physically see and feel the damage the smoking is doing to her and give her the drive to stop. Additionally, exercise is a natural mood booster. One that can prevent the desire to pick up a cigarette. Furthermore, the time together will increase the bond between the 2 of you and give the opportunity to express your concerns about her smoking in a good space. A space where she might be more receptive to your message and concerns that she will be more willing to try.

 

Ultimately, it’s your choice how you want to address this issue, but there are a number of different routes you could take depending on the kind of person she is and which approach you feel she would be most responsive to.

 

May Allah make it easy for you to address this important issue with her and may He guide her to stop smoking.

As-salamualaikum, My son is two and half year, he is very hyper active and very naughty and turbulence at time. He don't listen, always seem to mess up the house. I find it very difficult to handle all this. At time I feel very depressed even though I have a wonderful in laws and husband who look after my son. I know caring for a child demand a lot of patience which I know I don't have patience at all. As a working women, I find myself too exhausted and I also have the responsibility of my mother. Very often when I feel low , I thought of abandoning everything and go away (which I wont do), sometimes when my exhaustion reached its peak I burst out : crying aloud saying i want to die (happen on two occasion) Note: I do love my son a lot, I do communicate a lot with him and give him all that he wants. How to handle this ? and the thought having a second child scare me.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

Toddlers of this age can be very troublesome, they don’t call it the ‘terrible twos’ for nothing. This can be a very difficult time for mothers because at the age of 2 children love to explore, but are not yet fully aware of right and wrong. At this stage of exploration, inevitably that house will be turned upside down as he learns about the world. This will make the thought of having any more children a daunting prospect, but let me reassure you that you are not alone sister, most mothers of 2-year-olds also struggle in the very same way that you are.

 

Let me reassure you however, that this phase will pass in sha Allah. As he gets older, he will become interested in things that don’t involve causing so much chaos and as he learns and understands the difference between right and wrong he will come to calm down and listen to your instructions more. So the first thing to do is just to realise that his behaviour is perfectly normal for any 2 year old and that he is not likely anymore ‘naughty’ or ‘turbulent’ than any other 2 year old, so try not to worry that that is any fault of your own, but is just part of childhood and growing up.

 

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You are also a working woman, so this will only add to the stress that you are facing as you manage what you might call 2 full time jobs – your normal work and your role as a parent. Doing one of these jobs alone is hard enough work and can lead to exhaustion, but the fact you are managing 2 important roles (not including those of a wife and daughter as well) is a very tough job.

 

With these added responsibilities the danger of burnout becomes something to look out for and your thoughts about wanting to abandon it all certainly suggest that you are almost there, if not actually there already. The solution to this is self care. We all need to look after ourselves, especially when you have so many responsibilities. You need to take time out to look after yourself too. After all, if you don’t care for yourself, how can you expect to effectively care for anyone else, especially a busy 2 year old.

 

Firstly, beginning with your basic needs, make sure you are eating well and getting some exercise. Ensure you take time out away from your daily challenges by spending time with friends to focus on something other than your normal daily responsibilities, give yourself the mental space to step away, but also, take time to yourself as well, even if it is just 15 minutes a day to just be by yourself and relax, away from the stresses of daily life. You may wonder how you could possibly fit this all in when you have so much else to do, but it is very important that you do make the space to do these things otherwise your negative feelings will only get worse.

 

Time management is crucial to ensuring that you can fit all these things into your daily or weekly routine and you can do this simply by planning ahead and make sure you block the time out so that nothing can interfere with your personal time. Alhamdulilah, you say you have supportive in laws and you can use this to your advantage, but kindly asking them to take care of your son every now and again so you can do these things and have time to yourself.

 

Ultimately, in time, you will find that once you start giving yourself time and taking care of yourself that you be much more able to be patient, because you will be in a better, more calm frame of mind. You will be able to enjoy your son more and will not be so stressed by his behaviour as you will feel better in yourself.

 

May Allah bring you ease through difficult times and help you to find comfort in His remembrance.

 

 

 

As-salamu alaikum, What's the best way to get an 11 year old and 14 year old to understand why we Muslim women  cover? And have them enjoy it? 



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

Masha Allah, at the age of 11 and 14 it is indeed very important to learn the importance of wearing the hijab and as an adult woman you can be the best person to advise on this issue. The fact that you are reaching out for advice makes it clear that this is very important and a responsibility that you take very seriously. May Allah reward you. Certainly, as you say, getting them to enjoy and love it one of the best ways to encourage them to start doing so. There are a number of ways to go about this.

 

Firstly, by teaching them why we even wear hijab in the first place can be a great place to start because not only will it educate them about why this obligation is placed on us as women, but also how beautiful it can be. It can be difficult in times where others who don’t understand Islam see it as a sign of oppression, but if they are made aware of the real reason behind why we cover then they will understand why it is, in fact, quite the opposite to oppressive.

 

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So, you might begin by simply bringing attention to the command to wear hijab in the Qur’an. That Allah says we should wear hijab, just like He said we should pray and fast and we must obey Him in wearing hijab as we do with everything else. You might also draw attention to all the beautiful women in history who wore hijab such as Maryam, Aisha, Khadijah..etc.. Women who are role models to us, women who we know Allah loved very much so it is good for us to follow in their examples. Looking to role models who wear hijab, both historically and in the present day can make the thought of wearing the hijab more appealing as they strive to be like them.

 

In addition to this it is important to understand why they should wear hijab and why their role models wear the hijab. The most important reason why we wear the hijab is for modesty, that our beauty is not something to be admired by everyone, but only by those who are close to us (i.e. other women and mahram males) and that in itself is empowering. Let them feel that what they have is special and only for the eyes of a select few people. Make them aware of potential consequences of not dressing modestly. This doesn’t necessarily have to include cases that we know as adults occurs, but draw on examples that are appropriate for their age, so for example, that wouldn’t they rather people love and admire them for their inner beauty, than outer beauty? By wearing hijab, we cover our beauty to let our inward beauty shine.

 

In addition to teaching them why we wear hijab, you can make the process more enjoyable for them by allowing them to pick which scarves they want. Shop together, let them pick out their favourite colours, let them pick out different pins if they pick a style that requires a pin. Let them pick hijabs that will match their outfits and have a small selection to pick from. Hijabs come in so many different shapes and sizes, let them try on different styles and select which one they prefer. Ensure that they pick one that will find comfortable and easy to put on. As you probably know yourself, some styles of hijab are easier to put on than others, so it’s also important that they pick one that they will be comfortable in so that they don’t decide against wearing it simply because they are not comfortable. Just generally empower them o have the choice over which ones they want according to their own preference.

 

May Allah guide you in educating these girls effectively in why they should wear the hijab and may He guide them and make it easy for them to start wearing hijab.

 

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