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Parenting & Family Issues – Live Counseling

Dear Brother/Sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha Mohammad Swan, for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the answers of the questions below.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions any time to:

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[email protected]

 

 

Wednesday, Sep. 28, 2016 | 08:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

My son shows violent tendencies, he is 4 year-old. At home or whenever we goes outside, he plays with violence with other kids, screams shouts, throwing away thing and bites. I'm very worried that this will be his character when he grows up. How can I deal with this?



As-salamu alaykum sister,
While I do not know all the details of his home life or if he is in school, it sounds as if he may have been exposed to behaviors which he is exhibiting, thinking they are acceptable. I would kindly suggest monitoring what he watches on TV if you don’t already. Even cartons can be violent. If he is in school, ensure his friends are not of the same behaviors. Set limits and implement discipline. Whenever he acts out, stop him and tell him “no” and tell him it is not nice nor acceptable to act this way.

If he continues, set a punishment. Whether it is taking him away from the playgroup, taking away a special toy, or making him have down time-do it, and do it consistently. Insha’Allah after a time he will associate his negative behaviors with a negative consequence and the behaviors should start reducing. At the same time, whenever he does something kind, or plays nicely, reward him.

He will also associate acting kindly with getting something nice in return. Lastly dear sister, while some of this is normal in children, if there is anything at home that may be influencing his behaviors, please address it. Children can easily pick up on stress, anger, sadness or other emotions in the home or at school, so examine his environment as well to ensure it is not a participating factor. While I am sure he just needs some strict boundaries, rules and consistent disciple, if it continues despite your efforts, please have him evaluated by his pediatrician.


I'm a mother with 2 girls, the elder is going to school grad 4, and the second is three years old. I feel very tired as in the morning I get up early to prepare her things and after school I take her to practice sport at club, in the meantime, I finish the household things, and take care of the younger daughter. But now I feel very TIRED and I can not continue for long. Please Help.



As-salamu alaykum sister,

You have your hands full dear sister and I can totally relate to your fatigue as I am a mother myself. It is a full time job-and then some!

Often what is helpful is if you can engage other family members or friends to help out with the chores or children. Often times at Masjids they have “mothers” groups wherein sisters who have young children meet and have tea while their children play, or they take turns helping each other out by watching each others children on alternating days so mom’s can have a rest.
If this is not possible, I would kindly suggest structuring your schedule so that you make some time for yourself during the day. Perhaps if your younger daughter takes a nap, you can nap too. Try rearranging your chores-for instance instead of preparing her things in the morning, prepare as much as you can at night after the children have gone to bed. That way you do not have to get up as early. Also, make a list of the things that you do during the day. Next, cross off things that can wait for the weekend, or for when you have family/husband around to help. Often times as mothers, we feel everything must get done every single day-and that is just not always possible, so insha’Allah, prioritize.

Lastly dear sister, get a check up from your doctor to ensure your not lacking in vitamins or minerals and to ensure your your health is optimal. While it is normal to be tired after having children as your youngest is still only 2 years old, sometimes our hormonal or nutritional levels may be off especially if we breastfed. Sometimes something as simple as changing our diet and exercising can make all the difference in how we feel. Look into holistic nutrition websites designed for mothers, especially mothers with young children as we use up a lot of energy reserves just chasing a toddler around!

Rest assured what you are experiencing is normal. The feelings of fatigue will soon pass sister, but do take care of yourself by reducing yourchores, arranging things in a way that optimizes your time as well as enlisting the help of family members or sisters at the Masjid. And lastly dear sister, get a checkup to ensure your nutrition is spot on.

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As-salamu Alaikum counselor, I need your advice. My 9 year old daughter has been asking me about sex lately, at first I told her it's a grown thing and I explain when you get older, but I've since found out that she knows more than I think.I would like to explain it to her without telling her too much as she is only 9, and I don't want her to go looking for the information any where else.How do I go about this? HELP!!



As-salamu alaykum,
Thank you for writing to our live session and for your question. It is a common concern most parents dread!

However, insha’Allah things will go smoothly for both you and your daughter regarding this topic. First, your daughter already knows more than you thought. This is common. Children talk among themselves, search out answers to their questions and often shock parents with what they do know! This dear sister, you cannot prevent.

However, insha’Allah, you can be the source for her answers concerning her curiosity. Take her out for lunch or go somewhere calm and comfortable. Tell her you noticed how grown she has become lately and that with growing comes changes. Explain to her what to expect regarding puberty both physically and emotionally. Share what you went through and how you felt at her age. Ask her what she has heard about menstruation, babies and sex. When she responds, make her feel as comfortable as possible by not getting upset if you hear something that displeases you.

Gently correct any false information she may have learned, and replace it with the truth. If she asks you questions you feel she is too young to ask, remember-she asked you so she needs to know as it is obviously on her mind. If you refuse to answer or tell her she’s too young, she will just seek the answers elsewhere.

Sister, this is hard for many parents, but you and your daughter are about to embark upon a new phase in her life, insha’Allah, together. Your goal is to make her feel she can come to you with any question or concern she has, assured you will give her a loving, truthful response and not make her feel insignificant in her curiosity. It is often difficult for parents to begin to let go of the little girl they once cuddled and read bedtime stories to, and embrace a budding young lady. But somehow, as mom’s, we do get through it!

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Assalamu Alaikum, I am a mother of 3 children, 2 boys and girl, my daughter is turning 11 insha’allah this month. My question is when do I talk to my daughter about puberty? Thank you.



As-salamu alaykum sister,
Thank you for writing to our live session.  Regarding your daughter, as she is 11 years old I would kindly suggest you begin talking with her now.  In fact, she may have already started the process of puberty a while ago as some children do begin early by developing pubic and under arm hair, breast buds, body odor, and even menses.  Many young girls have started menses at age 12, so their hormones have started awakening for some time prior to that!  Additionally, your daughter may be going through some bodily changes, but she may be too embarrassed to tell you.  This is common.  She also may be experiencing the awakening of sexual feelings, and may be confused by what she is feeling and the changes she sees in her body, however slight they may be.

As I am assuming your daughter is in school, I am quite sure she has heard some talk about puberty from her friends or others around her.  Therefore the information and conversation about puberty is best coming from you, her mom, as you do not want her to get mis-information, or feel abnormal about what changes are coming very soon, or those that have already appeared.

Some parents feel uncomfortable discussing puberty.  I kindly suggest that you look at this as an opportunity to be a part of her growth and development so she will feel she can talk to you about anything.  It will insha’Allah bring you both to a new level of closeness and bonding.  At a turmoilous time such as puberty, your daughter will feel safe and secure she has a mom like you to talk to insha’Allah.  We wish you both the best during this new stage of growth in both of your lives!


Dear Counselor, my son is on drugs. He is 18 year-old. We are a very normal family and he is ruining our lives. I want to help him but how can we help him if he does not want to help himself? I cannot stand all the fights. All he does is fight and argue with me and his father! We really do not know what to do. I feel that I’m loosing him, loosing my son! Please help me to save my son.



As-salamu alaykum sister,
I am so sorry to hear about your son.  I can imagine it is a most painful experience having a child  who is on drugs.  While you did not say what drug he is on or for how long, it is sadly becoming an issue with a greater percentage of our youth. Arguing will not help the matter.  I kindly suggest that insha’Allah when things are calm, you write a contract for the conditions of him being able to live at home.  The main one-to go to counseling for substance abuse.
If he is addicted (and not just a recreational user), you must also realize that addiction is an illness, therefore a lot of the time he cannot externally grasp the pain he is causing, though internally he might be able to on some level.  If need be, enlist the help of a trusted imam, family members and school counselors to help facilitate an intervention wherein you plan a meeting at your home when he is there to confront him about his using drugs, and to present the contract.  The above mentioned family and para-professionals should be present to provide support.
It may take tough love in that you may have to set concrete rules and  boundaries and stick to them.  It will hurt, yes as this is your child.  For instance, as he is 18, he may have to engage in counseling or leave home.  While that is a devastating ultimatum, the fact is, he is an adult at 18.  Living at home comes with responsibility and he needs to realize insha’Allah the negative and painful impact he is having on not only himself but on the family as well.   This may work if he is a recreational user and not an addict.
Either way the intervention turns out, I would kindly suggest dear sister that you consult with a substance abuse counselor in your area so you can learn more about the process of the illness, learn coping skills, learn how to utilize tough love (opposed to enabling) as well as get linked up with resources in your area to help you and your husband cope.  Also consider joining a parents support group for Parents with Addicted Children.  You will meet with other parents who have gone through or are currently going through the same devastating problem as you and your husband. These groups can provide valuable support and hope.Sister, please know that there are many good programs that have been very successful helping teens, young adults stop using drugs.  The level of care your son will need will depend on the substance of choice, if he is addicted or a recreational user as well as the length of time he has been using.  One thing is clear, he is in pain.  Often times it takes someone losing everything to seek help.  That is the sad reality.  You can’t force someone to begin recovery until they are ready.  Pray to Allah SWT, make dua for your son and assure him you love him, that Allah loves him, but that he has to make a choice-now.

You, your son and the rest of your family are in our prayers sister, please let us know how you are doing.


Salam Counselor, Thank you for this service may Allah reward your effort, I need your advice,How do I get my kids to school on time? They are so slow in the morning. Thank you.



As-salamu alaykum,

Thank you for writing to our live session.  Getting children to school on time
is a common issue many parents have due to children not wanting to get up or just being tired early in the morning.
There are many things a parent can do such as starting to put your child to bed a bit earlier to give them extra time to relax and fall asleep on time.  Often children who have a bedtime of 8pm will actually fall asleep at 8:30 or 9pm as it takes some children a little bit of extra time to unwind and fall asleep once they are put to bed.

Another way to encourage children to move a little faster in the morning is to offer an incentive for completing their morning tasks on time.  Perhaps if your child is ready 10 minutes before it’s time to leave they will get a favorite snack or be able to play a favorite game when they get home.  Also waking a child up 20 minutes to a half hour earlier to get ready for school will reduce the tardiness as they will have an extra half hour or so to get ready.
Lastly, you can always set the clocks ahead a few minutes to give your family the extra you need in the morning to get prepared.  It is not an easy task getting children to school on time, but with some creative thinking, it can be done!