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Parenting and Family Issues in Eid

Aisha Mohammad
05 September, 2016

Dear Brother/Sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha Mohamed Swan, for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the answers of the questions below.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions any time to:

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Wednesday, Sep. 07, 2016 | 08:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
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6- Dear counselor, I need your advice , we are a poor family, al hamduliiah we can afford all dailylife expenses but we encounter a problem in occasions like Eid. During in Eid our relatives travel abroad or go to the beach to enjoy the occasion but we stay in our town because we don’t have enough expenses to travel here and there. By time, I began to notice that my children began to distance themselves from us accusing me and their father that we are not providing them with decent life like our  relative and they as a result don’t enjoy the joy of Eid! What should I do?



As-salamu alaykum,

I am sorry you are going through this with your children, sadly it is not an uncommon thing. We live in a very materialistic world and it has affected some of our children. It is not a reflection upon you nor your husband, but a reflection upon the society we live in as well as a child’s choice to put some things (material) above others (family). I know it hurts, and can make a parent sad, however I kindly suggest that insha’Allah you try to focus on all the things you do and can do for your children which are within your means. You sound like wonderful parents and there is nothing wrong with not being able to afford to travel to and fro. I don’t know a lot of people who do have that luxury.

You may want to take your children to an area of town where the poorest of poor live during Eid. Instead of spending what money you were saving for them, have them spend it on others. Have them spend a few days there with the people doing acts of charity. In fact, engaging them in acts of charity on a regular basis will insha’Allah change their perspective and soften their hearts. It seems to me you and your husband have given them a very good life-one they are not grateful for. They need to see and experience through the lives of others what true deprivation is. Perhaps your local Masjid can direct you to needy communities or families wherein your children can spend their Eid serving others and doing other charitable deeds to help those less fortunate than them.
Lastly, while I do not know their ages, often times children do go through a selfish stage wherein they want to live life as they see others living, forgetting about the blessings they do have. This phase often passes with maturity and a child’s cognitive development. However, I do feel that insha’Allah having them see how others live who truly do without and doing regular acts of charity and giving-they will come down a few notches concerning their arrogance, insha’Allah. You are in our prayers, please let us know how things turn out.

Salam Aleikom dear counselor. I wish to perform Hajj inshallah. I feel really jealous of people who have got the opportunity. Every year, it makes me feel so sad that I am still not able to save enough money to go to Hajj. What makes it even worse is my uncle - the only person in my family who has done Hajj already. He loves boasting about it and enjoys when people ask him about his Hajj experience or use the title "hajji"when they refer to him. What can I do with him and my feeling of jealousy? Thank you! 



As-salamu alaykum,

The desire to make hajj is in the heart of all Muslims. Sadly, not all Muslims can afford to make hajj, so you are not alone. While that does not change the way you feel, the way you feel is indeed normal amongst Muslims who cannot thus far make hajj. I would kindly suggest that insha’Allah you make dua to Allah the He make it possible for you to someday make hajj. As you have not been able to make hajj yet, there is nothing in your future that says you never will. Only Allah knows, and Allah is most merciful to His servants. I would kindly suggest that you think and speak in the positive. When you speak of hajj, state that insha’Allah you too are looking forward to going. Try to get with other Muslims in your similar situation and develop a plan of action for the future in which as small group, you can save up money and go to hajj. Check out hajj opportunities at Islamic centers and Masjids to compare prices and options. You may be surprised at discounts you may get in groups.
As far as your uncle is concerned, it is natural that he is happy and gets excited when he talks about his hajj experience. However if he is indeed boastful that is not a good thing. Allah does not like boasting. Perhaps this is also a test for you concerning patience, concerning trust in Allah (iman) as well as learning not to be a jealous one, as jealousy is as despised by Allah as is boasting. While we are all human and do get jealous at times, it is something we should strive to over-come. Perhaps if you listen to others who have made hajj and instead of feeling jealous, you develop a feeling of love and happiness for them, you may reap the blessings of hajj sooner. As a test, this is a difficult one to over-come! For our love for Allah SWT is so immense and we do crave to make hajj as others have done. However, if we cannot feel true joy and happiness for those who have had this blessing, how will we handle the blessing when it comes to us going? Would we become boastful? Would we want others to be jealous of us and harbor negative thoughts? We should “want for our brothers and sisters what we want for ourselves”. This includes opportunities to make hajj.
Thus I kindly recommend you make duaa to Allah to remove feelings of jealous, increase your wealth so you are able to make hajj , and insha’Allah help you find joy in your Muslim brothers and sisters who are able to make hajj. These things will bring you closer to Allah and insha’Allah bring you closer to making hajj one day soon. We wish you the best.

Salam Aleikom dear counselor. Last year, I got the opportunity to perform Hajj with my parents, alhamdulillah. I cannot describe how I felt when we finally landed, and when I got to see the Kabah. I was truly overwhelmed by being in Makkah and seeing the masjid of Prophet Muhammad (saw) in Medinah! I literally felt the presence of Allah and felt so close to Him, alhamdulillah. Everyone around me seemed to feel the same way, everyone looked so kind and pure-hearted. And we began the rituals of Hajj in this spirit. I felt so secured from the beginning, and I never thought for a moment that anything could destroy such joyful moments - but something actually did. While I was performing tawaf around the Kabah, focusing on Allah and the duas, I felt a hand on my butt for a couple of seconds. I as thought it was just an innocent mistake by someone as the crowd was huge around us. I kept moving. But a few moments later, I felt it again, and this time the person did not even just touched my butt: he grabbed it! I am sure it was not by mistake! This never happened to me before, ever! I was so shocked that I did not even dare to look around who did it. What I would have done or said anyway...we were making tawaf!! Hajj has come again and although I have wonderful memories, this horrible incident overshadows everything. I cannot forget it. I haven't told about it to anyone, but it really disturbs me and makes me feel disgusted of Muslim men. How could someone coming for Hajj to purify himself do something like this? Please, help me move on and forget!    



As-salamu alaykum my dear sister,

I am so sorry to hear of this terrible thing that a man did to you during hajj. It is most despicable. However, this person will be dealt with by Allah SWT. A hadith by Bukhari states that “Whoever performs hajj to this House (kaaba) and does not approach his wife for sexual relations nor commits sins (while performing hajj), he will come out as sinless as a newly-born child”. The person who did this to you sister obviously committed a grave sin and to Allah he is accountable.
I can understand your disgust and disdain for Muslim men, but you know just because someone is Muslim does not mean they will act accordingly. Sadly, you had an encounter with one such person, but please sister, don’t let it tarnish your feelings for all Muslim men, and more importantly, tarnish your feelings of joy and purity for your own experience of hajj then or now.
You did nothing wrong. The other person did. I kindly suggest you make duaa to Allah asking Him to help you erase this from your mind so you can enjoy the profound blessings and experiences from hajj. Insha’Allah, do not let the other persons sinful action, become your burden, for it is not.
Dear sister, insha’Allah I encourage you to put this out of your mind and let Allah SWT deal with it. I encourage you to focus on your wonderful memories of your previous hajj, and look forward to the immense blessings of your next hajj. Hajj is a time between you and Allah, anything that tries to interfere with it, pray to Allah about it, give it to Him, and continue on your journey. It is the other person’s sin to carry sister, not yours. Look at it as a test for overcoming a negative and being able to focus on the positive. The benefits and joy you received from your previous hajj far outweigh that one person’s sin-which belongs to him not you. Give it to Allah and approach your next hajj with a fresh perspective knowing Allah sees all as well as Allah knows your heart. Approach the next hajj as a newborn child expecting to have a wonderfully spiritual experience. While I am sure others have had similar experiences during hajj, the point is to not hold on to one bad experience but focus on your worship and your completion of hajj. We wish you the best sister!

Is it appropriate to make children watch the slaughtering of Al Uduheya in ‘Eid ul Adha? Or would it have negative psychological impacts on them? What is the right age for children to watch this?If it happened that children saw the scene of slaughtering the Uduheya and were frustrated, what can parents do to solve this? 



As-salamu alaykum,

Concerning children being present at the slaughtering of an animal for Eid-Al-Adha, it depends on the child, the family, and the community in which the child is being raised. In many western countries, children who live on farms and tend to the farm animals learn from a very early age on that this is the course of life. You raise animals and when the time comes, they are slaughtered for food. In Islamic countries children have similar experiences as our Eid celebration is a festivity with which they grew up with and are accustomed to. While I am not an Islamic scholar, I cannot give you a set age, however from a psychological perspective, I would assess your child’s knowledge of Eid Al-Adha, experiences with hearing or glimpsing previous sacrifices as well as discussing with them how they may respond emotionally.
This is also a good time to discuss the history and significance Eid-Al-Adha, and the importance of obedience to Allah SWT. You may also use this time to illustrate kind treatment of animals (halal sacrifice) , the importance of charity, as well as helping them develop a healthy understanding of the processes of life and death. You may want to talk with the child about it insha’Allah and see how they feel. I would never force any child to watch the sacrifice, but would let the child decide. The child may want to watch for a few seconds and leave, that is fine. The child may need time to develop cognitive and emotional abilities to watch a sacrifice by taking small steps. Other children attend the sacrifice as a collective thus making the experience a group process in which a teacher or parents can discuss the event with the children as a whole. In this way, the children help each other develop a deeper understanding by sharing their feelings and perceived experiences of what is going to happened and after, what did happen.
If a child was previously traumatized by viewing a sacrifice, the child should have an opportunity to discuss what he or she perceived, how they felt, and Islamic support and understanding should be given. Children should never be forced, but should be taught at age appropriate levels, that this is a natural cycle of life and that sacrificing an animal for Edi Al-Adha is obedience to Allah SWT.

As-salamu Alaikum counselor, I’m mother of two. I reverted to Islam 5 years ago, and this year I’m going to perform hajj inshallah. I left my two sons with my non-Musim in-laws but I’m terribly worried that my sons could learn some unislamic behavior or practices when I’m away, What’s your advice for me?



As salamu alaykum sister,

Mash’Allah that is very wonderful you will be making Hajj, may Allah accept your hajj. During this most significant event in your life, the last thing you want to worry about is the well-being of your children. While it is a ntural response of most parents, it should not interfere with your hajj. While you did not mention whether or not your sons have spent time with your in-laws before, or how old they are, you can insha’Allah make their visit with them a little more relaxing for you by talking with them about Islamic behaviors and etiquette while they are there. By re-enforcing Islamic behaviors and practices while you are away, you are planting little seeds of remembrances in their hearts. They can use these words from you as guidance should unIslamic behaviors or practices occur. Additionally, if you are close to your in-laws, insha’Allah you may want to talk with them about your sons staying with them by first thanking them and expressing gratitude to them for keeping your children as they are enabling you to make hajj.
Insha’Allah, in a very kind way -and not in a demanding way, explain to them how you are raising your sons, and that you appreciate their respecting your wishes regarding this. Speak to them as if they are already keeping unIslamic practices and behaviors away from your sons and how much you appreciate it and they may be more responsive. While we always want our children in Islamic environments, sometimes though this cannot always be the case. Therefore, we must prepare our children to be aware of haram practices around them and teach them to remain firm on the foundation of Islam. When non-Muslim family is involved, it can be more complicated as they are family. Sensitivity and tolerance should be utilized with family as they are not Muslim and may not fully understand our way of life. This is however, a fine way to show them how Muslims are loving, balanced and understanding, while at the same time devoted to Islamic principles. As you may be the only Muslim your in-laws know, how you treat them will leave a lasting impression.
As your sons will be with them for a relatively short time and I am sure insha’Allah you have taught them well, I feel you should put your worrying aside and focus on hajj. Make dua to Allah for your sons’ protection while you are away and talk to your sons upon your return about their visit with their grandparents in order to discuss and correct any wrong they may have seen or heard while you were gone. Keeping communication open and non-accusatory will help immensely with both your in-laws and with your sons before and when you get back home. I am sure they will be fine insha’Allah sister, I send you many wishes for a most blessed hajj.

As-salamu Alaikum, three years ago, we had a sheep for Uduheya and my young son used to play with it and considered it as his own pet, in `Eid ul Adha we slaughtered this sheep and since then my son became very sad and always accuses us of killing his own pet. What should I do to deal with this problem? 



As-salamu alaykum,

It is quite natural for children, even adults to get attached to animals that are raised by the family. As your son developed a liking for the sheep, he is now grieving the loss of what he considered his pet. It is surmised insha’Allah that you and your family treat your animals very well alhumdulillah and your kindness and good care towards your animals has taught your son the proper way to treat animals as Allah commanded us, with loving kindness. However, we are often not prepared to deal with the feelings and emotions that follow when a cherished animal passes away or is offered in a sacrifice.
I am nit sure how old your son is, or if he is able to grasp the concept of sacrifices for the sake of Allah SWT, or even death, but I would begin by explaining to him the history and significance of Eid al-Adha, and how the sheep that he loved is special because it was chosen to be slaughtered. You may want to explain how Eid-al-Adha is a day of remembrance that commemorates Prophet Ibrahim’s (PBUH) willingness to obey Allah and that many Muslims sacrifice their best animal to eat on this day, thus making his sheep special. Assure your child that the sheep was slaughtered in the most humane way as is prescribed for Muslims. When discussing his feelings with him, try not to negate his feelings but rather express to him your acceptance of his feelings, share with him a time when perhaps you felt a similar way when a favorite animal was slaughtered or when someone or something you loved died. At the same time, teach him that it is normal to feel sad, angry and even depressed over a loss. While he blames you for the sacrifice, again refer to being obedient to Allah SWT, and how it is a blessing to be able to make a sacrifice. There are many books on this very subject that you can purchase and read to your child concerning Eid Al-Adha to help him understand as well as develop coping skills concerning his loss. A few good children’s book on this subject are “Little Batul’s Eid Celebration: The Most Pleasant Festival of Sacrifice” by Munise Ulker and “10 Different ways to Teach Children about Eid Al-Adha” by the Muslimah Mommy.
Engage your child in activities with other children surrounding Eid Al-Adha and the preparation, sacrifice and festivities. In this way your child may be able to relate to other children who also experienced feelings of loss over a “favorite pet” and thus learn the correct perspective from his peers and in turn develop coping skills should he become attached to another animal that may be sacrificed.