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Parenting &Family (Counseling Session)

Aisha Mohammad
10 October, 2016

Dear Brother/Sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha Mohammad-Swan, for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the answers of the questions below.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions any time to:

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[email protected]

Wednesday, Oct. 12, 2016 | 08:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

As-salamu `aliakum.First, thank you for this service, I have a question about my daughter. She is now 14-year-old, and I really have a difficult time managing her temper and her ups and downs. One day she is active and talking and socializing with us, the other she is so lazy and isolated. She does not allow us to give her any advice anymore. Sometimes she became very nervous and leads to troubles between us. Is this normal when a kid becomes a teenager? How can I manage?



As-salamu alaykum,

Shokran for writing to our live session. Welcome to teenager life! As parents we often feel a sense of excitement and dread when the teen years are upon us as we know this can often be a turmoilous time. With the emotional and physical changes teens go through; puberty, hormones, trying to fit in at school, trying to sort through their emotions, yes-it is normal! Your daughter seems to be acting like a normal hormonal teen just trying to find herself in a changing body and mind. I would kindly suggest that when she wishes to be alone, that you respect that (unless you suspect depression) and try to go with the flow-that is the ups and downs of her mood swings. They will insha’Allah even out soon.

I would kindly suggest however that if her temper becomes disrespectful or extreme, that you begin to set boundaries and consequences. While it can be from the normal fluctuation of growth and frustration of seeking her new identity as a young woman, she still needs accountability as well as an outlet. As her parent it is up to you to provide healthy outlets for her to engage in. Find out what her interests are, or try to cultivate interests in the Islamic community by getting her engaged in positive youth groups. Ensure she understands what is happening to her body and emotions as going through puberty and young adulthood can be confusing.

I kindly suggest trying to talk to her about this on one of the days when she is active and social with the family. Take her out for lunch or something she enjoys, and begin a conversation expressing your interest in her life and her aspirations as a young woman. This may insha’Allah open the doorway for improved conversation and increased trust. These times will not be forever, it may feel like it, but it will pass. I would most importantly suggest that insha’Allah you do something good for yourself at least once a week, as you will need self care during these times as well!
Lastly, if you feel she is depressed or she is withdrawing more and more, or displaying violent behaviors please do have her evaluated by a therapist. However from what you have described, we have all gone through this around that age, from one extreme or another. You are in our prayers.

In India, there are many cases of torture and rape of Muslim girls. Those who go through such a situation think of committing, which is haram in Islam. As parents, how can we teach our kids to manage this kind of critical situation? kindly give me the answer. Jazakallah khairen.



As-salamu alaykum,

Shokran for writing to our live session. Sadly, I do not have an answer. Your concern is one of utmost importance and felt by many. Truly, certain places have a higher rate of these horrendous crimes. It is appalling. While suicide is haram and a very desperate and sad way for a girl to escape these horrors, rape and torture is haram as well. Communities must come together and form coalitions, groups of defenders. That is to say that these girls should be protected by the men (and women) of the community.

Men should be trained in defending their families and communities against rape and torture. Girls need to be empowered and learn that it is not their shame if they are raped but rather it is the shame and sin of the men who do such heinous acts. Girls need to be taught that if someone harms them, they need to be able to tell someone, to seek help and get it, with condemnation. Further, centers and non-profits needs to increase in the outreach to young women and girls and offer more professional services and interventions.

While these are very small suggestions brother concerning a huge, sad, horrendous condition, we must start within our ummah and within individual communities-to take care of each other, if we don’t-I just do not know. But it is time, it’s beyond time.

As-salamu alaikum dear counselor, I need your advice. My child has bad manners , what can I do? He is 7 year- old. Thank you!



As-salamu alaykum,

Thank you for writing to our Live Session. I am sorry to hear about your child’s manners, however it is a common complaint many parents have with valid concern. All parents want their children to have good manners, and when certain stages come in a child’s life, they try to exert their defiance and independence. this is what you may be seeing with your child, however as I do not know his behaviors surrounding his manners,m it is hard to say.

Insha’Allah I would begin by examining his home and school environment. Is he learning bad manners from anyone in the home or school? What about his friends? Are they well mannered or are they lacking in manners as well?

I would insha’Allah examine his environment and try to correct anything which may be contributing to his bad manners. Additionally, I would kindly suggest monitoring what he is watching on TV or any video’s he is playing (if you are not already). Lastly, I would kindly suggest that you set up boundaries and consequences, and be consistent with him. Explain to him what behaviors and actions are rude, and what the consequences are. For example, if he doesn’t greet his playmates kindly, a consequence may be that he is removed from the social affair. If he leaves his clothes all over the floor and does not pick them up-perhaps his clothes will disappear for awhile (it would really be sad for him if it was his favorite play outfit!). By the same token, if you see him displaying good manners, compliment him on it and do something nice for him. In time he will associate good manners with good outcomes, and bad manners with negative outcomes.

Lastly, sit with him every night if possible and tell him stories about our beloved Prophet (PBUH) and show examples of his kindness and manners. Read Qur’an to him outlining Allah’s commands for good manners as well as the benefit of good manners.

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Insha’Allah with consistency, consequences and good Islamic examples, your son will outgrow this and return to being the well manner child you raised him to be.
Raising healthy, kind children is a challenge at times, but with Allah’s help, as parents we somehow make it through! You both are in our prayers.

I need your advice, my daughter is 18 year-old. The problem started last Ramadan, I noticed that she doesn't fast, when I asked her she said she was unable to fast,and she was feeling sick all the time, then she stopped praying. Now I’m shocked with her decision to take off her hijab. Please help me what to do?



As-salamu alaykum, shokran for writing to our live session. I am sorry to hear your daughter has strayed from the Islamic path,however it is not uncommon at this age. While many young adults sail through the teens years into young adulthood, some go through an identity crisis, and break from who they are and what they believe in to experiment. She may be basically just trying out a new idea she has seen or heard about, or may be trying to fit in at school or elsewhere.

On the other hand, it could be an issue of a more serious nature. As she stated she was sick during Ramadan, I would further question this (even though it has passed) just to find out more about her reasoning. I would kindly suggest that you see who her friends are, if she is involved with any boy as well as if she has had any trauma in her life recently.

When you talk with her, do assure her of your love and concern, and create an open communication wherein she feels safe to tell you anything-even though you may not agree or it shocks you, please do remain an open vessel for her insha’Allah. This may take time. As far as her hijab, you cannot force her, so I would not be demanding on that issue-her taking off her hijab is only a symptom of something bigger going on and to find out the root cause, you want to draw her near, not push her away.

I would kindly suggest taking her out for lunch somewhere nice and quiet insha’Allah, and causally bring up the subject of Ramadan. When you talk with her, try not to be judgmental, it will only push her away further. Inquire if she has had a change of heart regarding Islam ad her faith. This may open up further communication as to any struggles she may be going through, problems she may be having at school or work, or situations she has gotten herself into. She may have done something for which she feels unworthy of being Muslim, not fully understanding Allah SWT’s forgiveness and love as well as yours.

It may take time to get to the reasons behind her change, or she may revert back to her regular self in time. Whatever the case may be, insha’Allah remain the person in her life that she can trust and confide in without fear of judgement or rebuttal. She just may need that right now to help her get back on the right path. You and your daughter are in our prayers.

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How do I raise a child who experience anxiety?



As- salamu alaykum, shokran for writing to our live session. While you did not say how old the child was or if there had been any trauma in his/her life, or what the symptoms are, I would kindly suggest that if the symptoms are interfering with the child’s ability to function at school, home or social settings, that you speak with your child’s pediatrician about getting a psychological consult.

For a child who is mildly anxious, I would suggest insha’Allah that you encourage your child to talk about what she/he is feeling; reinforce the positive qualities and abilities your child has, as well as teach your child coping techniques such as progressive muscle relaxation, deep breathing, encourage dhzikr during stressful moments as well as Qur’an recitation.I would also kindly suggest that you do’t push your child to do things that cause anxiety, such as demand the child play in a group or ride a bike if it causes anxiety. I would suggest however, offering positive reinforcements for gradual expose to the things which cause your child anxiety.

For instance, if riding a bike causes anxious reactions, you might tell your child that if he/she rides the bike for 3 minutes, you will go out for ice cream. This is not only a goal the child can strive for, but it is a very short time he/she will have to experience discomfort. In time, you can build upon the minutes (and switching up the rewards) until insha’Allah the anxiety vanishes with exposure and time. This gradual exposure method can be used successfully with most fears or anxieties. Continue to build up your child’s self esteem and confidence as well as coping skills. You may want to take a class on Anxiety to help you learn more about it as well.

In general anxious children need a safe, loving, and in some cases, a quiet home environment. Often times lots of noise, stress and upsets will trigger the anxiety. I would kindly suggest evaluating your child’s home and school environment for stressful factors. Often times young children will outgrow anxiety, but if your child does not, or if it worsens please consult a child therapist. You and you child are in our prayers.

I'm tired of yelling at my teenaged son. He just ignores me. What else can I do?



As-salamu alaykum, shokran for writing to our live session.

The teen years are challenging indeed. While you did not say how old your son is, or if there were any other issues in particular, I do know from experience (as most parents learn) that yelling does not work, especially not with teens. Teens tend to tune you out after awhile when you yell, therefore it is like yelling at a blank wall-no response, yet they internalize that there was a reaction.

As frustrating as this is, silence or talking to your son may work better. Often times teens do things-often shocking things, for a response. If one is not given, the particular behavior eventually stops as it is not being reinforced in some way (yes, even yelling is a reinforcement as it is a reaction).
I would kindly suggest that when things are calm,you sit with your son, maybe take him out to lunch or spend the day with him doing something enjoyable. Begin a conversation with him about how much you love him and tell him you have noticed a change in his behavior. Ask him if anything is bothering him. If he doesn’t respond, just let him know you are there for him. This is the beginning to building trust and communication-his knowing you love him, and you are there for him. Once communication (besides yelling) is established, insha’Allah he will begin to open up and discuss the things that are bothering him or causing the behaviors for which caused you to yell.

You can also outline your expectations of his behavior, set boundaries and review it with him, and point out why it is an Islamic benefit for not only his life, but for how you have chosen to run your household. Ensure he is held accountable for his actions. Negative actions may cause the loss of a privilege, positive behavior results in a small reward. You don’t have to tell him this-however if you begin to implement this technique, he may begin to change. Additionally, encouraging him to attend Islamic events, going to the Masjid for prayer; encourage him to socialize with other positive Muslim teens his age, as well as praying together as a family is very important.

Teen years are not easy, but insha’Allah you both will get through them and he will return to being the fine young man you once knew! The teen years go by fast in retrospect, however sometimes it does feel like forever. You both are in our prayers.

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