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On Raising Children (Counseling Session)

Aisha Mohammad
03 April, 2017

 

Dear Brother/Sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha Mohamed Swan, for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the answers of the questions below.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions any time to:

 

[email protected]

Tuesday, Apr. 04, 2017 | 08:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Salam. I have a question on someone's behalf she feels ashamed about it. She has been sexually harassed not raped by her cousin while sleeping when she was very young. The sex drive grew in her slowly and now the lust has grown stronger. She ended up masturbating. Now she hasn't done it and trying to control and she is afraid that she might commit it again. She has told her parents in various indirect ways to get her married but her parents aren't taking it serious, she is only 19 and she has done prayers and fast but no effect. She is afraid and does not want to commit zina at any cost. Please help



As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing in to our live session.  In regards to your friend, the issue right now is not about her masturbating but it is about the sexual harassment she endured as a child by her cousin.  That is a severe sin in Islam and a legal crime on the part of the cousin, worse than masturbation.  It is traumatizing to the victim (your friend) and can have lasting consequences much worse than masturbation such as PTSD, anxiety disorder, phobia’s, fears, depression, shame and in extreme cases suicide.  While you may only know the part wherein she masturbates (which is common is most people her age and younger and older)  there could be deeper issues she is dealing with which you do not know of.   You stated she hinted around to her parents of her need to get married.  Has she told them of the sexual assaults/harassment that went on when she was a child?  If not, who did she tell?   Did she ever get counseling for the sexual assault?

 

If you want to help your friend, I kindly suggest that you advise her to address her traumatic past of sexual assault by getting counseling.  Her feelings of shame is a key indicator of possibly deeper issues.  It is also the tip of the problems you are presenting as there may be underlying issues that may be unknown to you, but very painful for her.  Sexual assault is not an act of passion but an act of violence, your friend’s desire to masturbate and her fear of zina may be related to her fear of loss of control and safety.  While natural sexual desires in human beings often present as masturbation or actual sexual intercourse, please remember your friend had a un-natural, complex and violating experience as a young child thus it is unknown if her current sexual desires are haunted with these memories as a child.

 

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Insha’Allah, she will get counseling and realize that the sexual assault was not her fault, she is not to blame and she should not feel shame, the abuser is the one who is shameful, not her.  The issue of masturbation may be tied in with her trauma or it may not be.  She may be of age and need to be married however if she has not received counseling for the traumatic past she endured she may risk bringing these issues into a marriage and thus putting that marriage at risk.

 

I kindly suggest that you consider talking to her about her mental health (if she will disclose to you), and encourage her insha’Allah to seek out counseling.  By addressing and healing from a traumatic past, she can move forward in her life as a more healthy and empowered young woman.

 

Insha’Allah encourage her to remain chaste, to pray, to know that Allah loves her and is most merciful.

 

She is in our prayers, please let us know how she is doing.

 

My 5-year-old daughter tells me "I hate you "or "you are a bad person". I have already expressed to her that her words hurt my feelings and that they make me feel sad. She gets that but continues to say it if she doesn't get what she wants. How would I respond positively in this case? Thank you!



 

As salamu alaykum dear sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our lives session with your concerns.  A lot of parents become alarmed when their children learn and use the “hate” word.  It’s like hearing a swear word come out of your child’s mouth for the first time.  Only in the case of “I hate you” it hurts even more as it appears to be directed at us-to hurt us. It is a powerful and reactionary word and kids get that.  In fact, as in the case of your daughter as you can see, they learn of and then know the power of such words and then use them to their advantage.  As your response was a well thought out heartfelt response, one would expect a 5 year old to understand that these words are hurtful, but children develop at different rates and possibly your daughter is still going through an obnoxious phase as described by The Center for Parenting (1) which states that at 4.5 years of age children are “more persistent and demanding, less easy to distract. Behaviors may seem purposely obnoxious.”

 

This sounds consistent with what you are describing as your daughter knows these words hurt/upset you and she becomes purposely obnoxious with these words, therefore they hold power for her.  She has been enlightened to the fact that she may get a response or get her way if she uses these words. Insha’allah sister, when she uses these words, tell her “when you talk nicely, I’ll answer your question” and after that, don’t respond.  If she gets her own way by using these words, she will keep using them.  If she doesn’t get her way she will eventually stop.  But it will take some patience, persistence, and retraining on your part.  It may be a trying time filled with temper tantrums or whining however when those words lose power over you and your actions/responses, they should cease.

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Your daughter is not using those words to hurt you sister, she loves you.  She is, however, using those words to get her own way or to “guilt” you into getting her own way.  As long as she thinks they affect you she will use them.   You may wish to remind her (at a time this is not going on) that she is a big girl now and that she needs to talk nicely as she is now 5 years old.  Children often find pride in becoming “a big boy or girl” and gentle reminders of these milestones may help.

 

Insha’Allah sister, do not take your daughter’s words personally.  While yes it hurts, it’s not really directed at you but it’s a manipulative tactic children sometimes use to get there own way.   So I kindly ask that you remain strong, don’t feed into her words, don’t give them power and soon insha’Allah as these words lose their desired affect, you may see a more sweeter, kinder child emerge.

 

You are in our prayers sister, we wish you the best.

 

1-http://centerforparentingeducation.org/library-of-articles/child-development/child-development-by-age/#five

I have observed my 3- year-old son exhibit some concerning behavior. I have seen him hit himself when he trips or is frustrated by his inability to do something he wants to do. And then today, I heard him say "I hate myself" when he was unable to get his socks on by himself. What should I do?



As salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing into our live session.  I am sorry to hear of the issues you are going through with your son.  Three year old’s don’t just start hating or harming themselves, they learn to.  What you may be seeing is a learned conditioned response.  While I do not know how you or your husband disciple your child, if you do hit him or say “I hate you” (and I am not saying you do!) he could be getting it from your behavior towards him. I am sure that you and your husband are not treating your son like this but I needed to use it as a prime example as to why some children develop low self esteem or self abuse.  So let us explore other ways he could have learned this behavior.  Sister, is he attending a pre-school wherein he could see this behavior or even worse be a victim of this behavior?  What about baby sitters?  Do you leave him with others who may have influenced him in this way?  What about his playmates?  Do any of them exhibit this behavior that he may have learned from them?

 

Sister, I kindly suggest that you investigate his environment, who he is with, the friends he is playing with as well as any family dynamics which could be influencing him.  For example, if he spends time with a depressed auntie who says she hates herself or one who slaps him/herself when mistakes are made this can be where he has modeled the behavior from.  You may also want to check out any TV he may be watching.  Especially cartoons which are oddly violent at times.

 

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As 3-year-olds cannot control their emotions yet, they are beginning to understand how they are feeling.  However, impulse control is still poor, thus you will have to intervene sister and teach your child more appropriate actions and words to use when he is frustrated.  For instance, if you see him struggling with something like putting on a shirt or manipulating a toy, you may want to say to him “Good Job! Can I  help?” This illustrates that he is doing a good job yet conveys that the task may be complex.  Insha’allah this may help with both his confidence and reduce frustration.  If you see him hitting himself, you can stop him with a gentle grasp of his hand and tell him “no, no don’t hurt my precious son”  and kiss his head or the place he is attempting to hit.  Depending on his level of vocabulary you may want to ask him where he learned to hit, or who does he see who hits.  The same when he states “I hate myself”you may want to ask him “what is hate” and why do you hate yourself.”

 

At this age, however “hate” is not a concept well understood by children and thus as stated he may have heard someone else saying it during times of stress. Self harm-such as hitting oneself even as an isolated incident can be a sign of maladaptive self soothing during stressful times and it needs to be addressed and replaced with positive self soothing techniques such as holding a favorite toy, blanket or other substitute.  Encourage your son to talk to you about things that may be bothering him as well as continue to provide a positive role model within your home.

 

Sister, children around your son’s age often go through periods of insecurity, frustrations, and fears.  So while your son’s behavior is disturbing, it is not uncommon.  In fact, the Center for Parenting  states that children may “uses tensional outlets more frequently: nail biting, eye blinking, nose picking, facial tics, grabbing genitals, thumb sucking may increase – 3/12 is a peak time for usage of tensional outlets.”    I would kindly suggest finding out how your son learned these behaviors (hitting) and verbal responses to frustration (I hate myself) and eliminate it from his environment.  Secondly, insha’Allah, re-enforce your love for him and praise him on his ability to do things.  Acknowledge that some tasks are hard and offer to help.  Replace inappropriate behaviors with positive ones and when he complies, reward him.   By helping your son to see construct positive role models and teaching him to express frustrations and insecurities properly, I am sure sister that insha’Allah in no time he will out grow these alarming but often common behaviors.  Please do read the Center for Parenting article to help you better understand your son’s development both emotionally and cognitively.

We wish you the best sister, you are in our prayers!

Assalamu'alaikum, a few months ago, my life changed after I dreamt about wearing hijab and reciting Quran. It was like a wake-up call for me so after that, I never missed salah, I was afraid of sinning and the biggest step of all; I started wearing hijab. It was a drastic change and it all occurred very quickly but I was very proud of myself for making the decision to wear it. However, lately, I sense that I might go back to my old ways. I've been skipping salah, I find joy in lazing around with my friends until morning and I've been thinking of taking off my hijab because I realize that I'm not behaving like a proper Muslim. Also, I'm still young for wearing it. What should I do? I nearly took it off a couple of times but I didn't.



As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing into our live session with your most important concerns.  While I am not sure of your age sister I will say that as you had such a profound dream it is indeed a blessing.  I am not an Islamic scholar however it appears that your dream may signify something very special for you to pay attention to sister.  Not everyone (in fact few) experience such direct dreams.  It could mean that one day you may teacher other sister’s about Islam, or teach them how to recite, read, and learn from Al Qur’an.  If so, you have a wonderful responsibility insha’Allah!

 

However, with blessings comes tests and trials.  If Allah were to give you a gift (such as Qur’an memorization or teaching others) He can test you for your seriousness and devotion should he chose.  Additionally, whenever we get closer to Allah, often times the shaitan will try to pull us away from Allah SWT, like what may be happening now.  The shaitan as you know tries as best as he can to pull servants from their Beloved.  The shaitan hates it when we worship Allah and are devoted to Allah swt.  The shaitan can whisper in our ears, telling us falsehoods and making us think things that will hurt our relationship with our Beloved creator.

 

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Things like “your “I’m” too tired to worship Allah; I’d rather just hang out with my friends, it won’t hurt to miss a few salats; doing this haram thing won’t affect me, I’ve been wearing hijab for months now, I can take it off”  and so forth.  See sister, the shaitan plays upon our weaknesses as well as tries to trick us into thinking there is no danger in how our thought processes are being manipulated.  But there is great danger!

In the Qur’an  it states “O you who have believed, do not follow the footsteps of Satan. And whoever follows the footsteps of Satan – indeed, he enjoins immorality and wrongdoing. And if not for the favor of Allah upon you and His mercy, not one of you would have been pure, ever, but Allah purifies whom He wills, and Allah is Hearing and Knowing”.(Quran 24:21)

 

Remember, Allah SWT purifies whom He wills, and He is All Seeing-and-All Knowing as stated above.  If this is true  (and it is) you had a purifying dream and now you are being tested as to your imam and your perseverance.  Will you listen to the shaitan’s whispering after being given such a blessing as your dream and the recent change of behavior which draws you closer to Allah?  Or will you stay close to Allah and reject these thoughts and feelings you have?  Sister, it is very important that you realize that we all are tested, that yes the shaitan does whisper to Allah’s servant’s to pull them away from their creator.  However, we have free choice.  We have the ability to think for ourselves and choose the right path.  We have the option to follow Allah SWT, or to follow the shaitan.  If we chose to follow what we know is wrong, then we cannot blame the shaitan, can we?  Because we made a conscious choice to do so.

 

We are all striving sister, we are all imperfect and we are subject to falling back from our good habits of worship and living Islamically.  That is exactly why we need Allah, the most merciful, the most forgiving.  As many times as we fall short, we can go to Allah and repent for Allah loves to forgive.  However, when we repent we are kind of like promising we will not keep repeating the same mistake or behavior.  So by praying, repenting and turning to Allah in times of weakness, it should, in fact, make us stronger in our relationship with Him thus decreasing our sins and failures over time.  However, sister as you had this dream and recently started praying regularity as well as wearing hijab, I would kindly suggest you do everything you can to keep on this path and do not let anything nor anyone steal your joy.  Your joy is found in the worship of Allah, not in laziness, missing prayers, taking off your hijab and other acts that pull you further from your source of joy-Allah.

 

Please do keep your daily prayers as they are perfectly timed during the day so as to keep us near to our Lord and away from the shaitan.  Please do insha’Allah give serious thought to your dream as it may signify a very special blessing.  While you stated you are too young yet to wear hijab, I would debate that based on your dream – no matter how old you are.  You were given that dream for a reason.  It is up to you now, concerning how you will respond.  Ask yourself “Of which of your Lord’s blessings will you deny”? I am confident sister that you will make the right choice insha’Allah.  We all go through tests and trials and we all fall short (I know this so well!) but it is how we respond, how we pick ourselves back up that is important.

 

We wish you the best sister, you are in our prayers.

 

 

I am a psychology undergraduate and would like to get some extensive training and certifications and wish to seek her guidance on what all I can do in order to develop my career further and make myself competent before entering grad school. And I would like to know if there is any means by which I could do some internship online also? Would be very glad if you would enlighten me in this issue.



As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing into our live session.  I am happy to hear about your enthusiasm in preparing for grad school.  This is indeed an exciting time in your educational pursuits in preparation for your career goals.

 

At this point, you may wish to speak with your current professors in regards to any opportunities for part-time internships within the department or ask to see if there are any research projects or other “jobs” you can perform on a volunteer basis to increase your exposure and skill set.  This will not only expose you to a more intensified training experience but it will also look good on your resume as well as your grad school applications if you have not already applied.

 

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You can also contact local community centers and other agencies where they provide mental health services to see if there are volunteer opportunities there.   Some agencies offer school/university credits but you may want to check and ensure this is the case for each internship/volunteer if this is what you are looking for.  As you are an undergraduate and depending on the school you are in or going to, your actual hands on experience may be limited due to legalities at this point but there is still a lot you can do and learn to prepare yourself.  Most non-profits usually welcome those who want to volunteer.  The APA l(1) lists various internship opportunities which I encourage you to check out insha’Allah.  Internships.com (2) offer a wide variety of virtual internships as well.  As I am not sure where you are located, this may or may not be relevant however if you google search psychology internships it should bring up a lot of options.  I would kindly suggest that you do an actual in person internship rather than a virtual one insha’Allah, as you may learn so much more as well as getting first a person perspective experience in a mental health setting.

 

Depending on which branch of psychology you wish to go into (clinical, community, forensic, etc) I would kindly suggest reading extensively on your chosen field.  Contact people who are actually working in the field and ask if you can interview them.  You would develop a questionnaire about their daily activities, what they feel is challenging as well as rewarding and other questions you may see important.  This would insha’Allah give you further insight and depth about what your future job may be like as well as help you build a network of future contacts.

Lastly, look for student groups and professional associations relating to your career choice.  Join the groups and participate in the activities to increase your preparedness.

 

You can also subscribe to the APA newsletters (3) and other journals which will insha’Allah loop you into profession networks, provide additional education insights and prepare you for your next career step -graduate School.  Congratulations on your ambitions, choices, and determination! Insha’Allah you will find psychology a very rewarding and exciting career path.

 

1-http://www.apa.org/education/undergrad/research-opportunities.aspx

2-http://www.internships.com/psychology/virtual

3-http://www.apa.org/gradpsych/2014/04/undergrad-newsletter.aspx

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