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Mental Health, Marriage & Parenting

Hannah Morris
14 August, 2016

Dear Brother/Sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah Morris, for answering the questions.

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Please scroll down to read the answers of the questions below.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions any time to:

[email protected]

Wednesday, Aug. 17, 2016 | 10:00 - 12:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

My 17-year-old daughter hurts us badly by disrespecting us. Therefore, almost every day my husband curses her and wishes her death. This upsets me so much. I always tell him that this is haram but, he doesn't listen. Please, advise me what to do.



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum,

 

It can be very distressing to a parent when their child disrespects them and even more so if the spouse is being unsupportive, too.

 

Islamically, we are obliged to be good to our parents, but unfortunately in the teenage years, around your daughter’s age, children can face this period of rebellion. This is usually just a temporary phase that is generally a response to inner feelings they experience as they venture into adulthood. A number of factors can influence this, beginning with hormonal and physical changes to an inner fear of the responsibilities that come with adulthood.

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At 17, your daughter will soon be formally classed as an adult, and the expectation will be on her to fulfill all the duties and obligations of an adult such as getting married, obtaining employment, and maintaining a household. Such tasks can seem very daunting when you have lived at home all your life and had all these things taken care of by your parents.

 

It is unfortunate that the parents are the ones who generally take the blow of this by facing the disrespect. usually, those who are closest to them become the easy targets, especially as teenagers know that their parents will always love them unconditionally anyway. Perhaps if you try explaining this to her father it might help him to understand why she behaves in this way and that, in sha’ Allah, it is a phase that will pass as she settles into adulthood.

 

If he still continues to behave in the way, then you could instead try taking a different approach. She might not understand the reason why she behaves the way she does, but you could certainly ask and let her know that her disrespectful behaviour is not OK. Let her know how it makes you feel and that you have always done what you think is best for her and supported her from birth until now, and you deserve her respect. Most importantly, explain to her that Islamically we have to be respectful to our parents, even if they have done bad things.

 

She might not say that the reason she behaves this way is due to this inner fear of what is to come in the near future as she progresses into adulthood. She might not even be able to pinpoint that this is what is the potential cause of her disrespectful behaviour. So, simply being there for her and showing her your support will help her to feel less intimidated about what is to come as she feels she has your support. Be aware of her plans for the future; does she want to study or work? What are her plans for marriage? As she becomes aware of your support and embraces more of what is to come, then, in sha’Allah, her levels of disrespect will go down, and normal relations will be restored with her dad, too.

 

May Allah (swt) make your daughter the coolness of yours and her father’s eyes, and may you be the coolness of hers. May she grow up to become a successful and respectable young woman.

One of my cousins told me that he loves me and asked me whether I love him, too. Actually, I also love him, but until now I have not replied anything because I think my parents will become angry upon hearing this. What should I do? I also talk to him on social sites but just like a sister and nothing else. Should I wait for him to come and talk to my parents or shall I marry a person of my parents’ choice? (21 years old, India)



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,

 

If you love this man and you feel he is a good, pious man who will make a good spouse and father to any potential children, then there is no reason you should not pursue with this marriage to him. In an ideal situation, he would approach your parents first and seek their approval. It may be that after the discussion with them you are able to convince them of your love for each other and that they become happy to go ahead with this relationship. If they know that you love him they may be less likely to try and pursue anyone else for you. Perhaps you could arrange a meeting where you all get together; yourself, your cousin, and your parents and discuss this further.

 

However, if you are sure that your parents would be angry at you and there is no way to convince them otherwise, and you are confident that they would select a good spouse for you, then there is also no reason why you should not marry a person of their choice. The choice is yours. The most important is that you should not be forced into anything you don’t want to do or feel uncomfortable about.

 

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Although one thing you should be aware of amongst all is that communicating with him as a non-mahram male – even via social media and even only as a sister and not a lover – is actually haram and should not be engaged in. Even if it becomes possible to pursue marriage to him, talk to him in this way becomes permissible only after you are actually married. This might seem very strict, but the same rules apply since the same danger of developing haram relationships can occur online as much as face-to-face. This is something to be cautious of whether you marry him or someone of your parent’s choice.

 

It is a tough choice for you to make, but if you make du’aa’ to Allah (swt) and pray Istikharah, surely He (swt) will guide you to make the best choice. May Allah (swt) bring peace and contentment within your family and grant you a good, pious spouse that you will be very happy with.

Salam Aleykum. A year ago, I had a bad relationship with my family because I used to preach them Islamic values. (We are Muslims, alhamdulillah, but not really practicing ones.) I became introverted because of my somewhat extreme approach towards Islam. Then an event of National Youth Summit occurred in our city. After attending, my life changed; I started enjoying life, taking pictures in the nature, dancing, etc. The problem is that I was considering myself as a “super human”. One day, while sleeping, something happened to me. I woke up and I thought Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was there. I made ablution and prayed for long minutes, but then I saw the time hasn’t passed. It was still dark outside. For some reasons, I started shouting. After that my family took me to a psychiatrist who gave me medicines. It caused me weight gain and acnes on my faces. She diagnosed me with bipolar, but I think this isn’t the case with me. I am very unhappy. Please help!



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam,

 

Being diagnosed with a psychiatric disorder or any serious physical illness can be very difficult to accept. Part of this process of acceptance is dealing with the changes and the denial of the diagnosis. This is especially true for psychiatric diagnoses due to the stigma that exists around having mental health problems. What makes it worse is that there is no clear way to diagnose the illness such as a blood test as in the case of diagnosing physical ailments.

 

Periods of extreme happiness followed by extreme sadness are characteristics of Bipolar Disorder. Although what you have written seems to be consistent with this, obviously, a more thorough assessment should be carried out by the psychiatrist to formally determine a diagnosis of Bipolar. There is also the option to get a second opinion from another psychiatrist if you really don’t feel like the diagnosis of Bipolar is correct.

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Psychiatric medication can, indeed, have some very severe and undesirable side effects. There are alternative means to manage psychiatric illness although it is certainly recommended to use medication at least just to stabilise the condition before trying anything else out.

 

It might not feel like it, but there are also some positives in this situation. Try and see things from your family’s perspective. It must have been quite distressing for them to see you behaving in this unusual way, shouting in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. Wouldn’t you be concerned if you saw someone behaving that way? They obviously care about you very much to take you to get help from a psychiatrist rather than just abandoning you.

 

Due to the stigma around mental health, many families desert the one with a problem, but your family have stepped forward to help you, alhamdulillah. This means that they will probably be around to support you through any difficulties. It is this kind of support that can help anyone facing a trail through it with more ease than facing it alone without support. Whether you have Bipolar or not, you do say you are very unhappy. Good relationships with your family will see you through this period of unhappiness, in sha’ Allah.

 

May Allah (swt) bring you and your family comfort in each other and guide you to happiness once again.

 

Salam. I am a 26 years old girl from Pakistan. I am a born Muslim but started practicing Islam a year ago. I am hamdulillah regular at prayers, wear hijab, don't go out with men, etc. However, I have started to feel that everything has been taken away from me since I started doing this. I love Allah so much and have no doubt in His mercy. But I still can’t understand. I was considered one of the prettiest girls everywhere I go, but since I moved towards Islam, my hair has started losing badly. I visited every famous doctor but nothing has worked. Surprisingly, they can’t even diagnose the reason behind it. My skin is ruined and nothing seems to work. I am not getting any marriage proposals anymore due to hair and skin. Why is it happening when I was trying to do good?



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,

 

Alhamdulillah, this is great that you have found your way back to being a practising Muslim once again. May Allah (swt) keep you on the straight path.

 

Firstly, you need to understand that appearance really isn’t the most important thing. What’s important is what is in your heart, and alhamdulillah you have now showed that what is in your heart is pure as you have started praying regularly and wearing hijab.

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Whilst you might feel like your appearance stops you from getting proposals, look at it this way: at least now you know that any proposal you are getting is due to your character, and not just because of the way you look. Certainly, looks can count for something in a relationship, but the primary thing that will keep a marriage going is good character with appearance playing little or no part in maintaining a healthy marriage.

 

Additionally, you also say that you have stopped going out with men, so the reason you get less proposals now could literally be due to the fact that you don’t free mix with men anymore. This is also a good thing, sister, because it also means that when you do meet someone, it will have been through halal means. The man will see you as a more respectable women as you don’t mix with other men which again creates grounds for a successful marriage, in sha’ Allah.

 

There is also another way we can look at this. When things seem to be going well, people will forget Allah (swt), but when things are not going well, people call out to Allah (swt). We can very much see this with your situation – when you were engaged in free mixing, not praying and not wearing hijab, you say you were not practising Islam. But it seems since you’ve come to Islam, things have started to “go wrong” apparently, yet you continue to practise. This is the beauty in trial, sister. When Allah (swt) sends us trial, we go to Him (swt) and pray to Him (swt), so it’s a way of drawing us close to Him (swt).

 

Also, remember this verse:

“Do the people think that they will be left to say, “We believe” and they will not be tried?” (Qur’an, 29:2)

 

Allah (swt) puts us through such tests to sort out the believers from nonbelievers. The way you respond to your trial, by seeing benefit in it and trusting Allah (swt) to see you through, will make clear to Allah (swt) that you truly are a believer. So, you see, whilst your situation might feel like a bad one, if you look deeper, you will find there is much benefit in it too.

 

May Allah (swt) keep you on the straight path and bring you a spouse that will be the coolness of your eyes, and you of his.

As-Salamu Alaykum. My question is that I've been married to a Catholic woman for about 5 years. We don't have children yet, but we want to have some soon. The problem is that we can't come to an agreement in which religion to raise and teach them. Of course, I want them to be Muslims and she wants them to be Catholic. She is very religious and goes to church frequently. Even though, I'm not as religious as she is, I believe in Islam as the true way and I want to raise my kids as Muslims. We are thinking of separation for a while to think whether we want to continue with this marriage or not. I wish you can give me some advice on what the right thing is to do and what I could do to keep this marriage going as we both love each other very much. Thank you.



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam brother,

 

As we know, Islamically, it is OK for a Muslim man to marry a non-Muslim (as long as she is a “person of the book”, a Christian or a Jew), so you are within the limits of Islam to begin with, in sha’ Allah. It is, however, very important to raise the children as Muslims.

 

In an interfaith marriage like you are in this will obviously prove to be a big challenge, as you are aware of. The reason it is permissible for a Muslim man to marry a non-Muslim woman and not the other way round is because the children are to follow the religion of their father. Therefore, any children born in such a relationship would follow the deen of Islam.

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You have been married for 5 years to the woman you love, and so just expecting you to part without further discussion would be irrational. Thus, you have done a good thing to reach out for some advice to start with.

 

The first thing you might like to start with is a discussion between you and your wife about religion, at a deeper level. Help her to see the truth and ask Allah (swt) to guide her to the path of Islam. You say that you are not as religious as she is, so perhaps you could do some study of Islam together and unveil the beauty of Islam to her by educating her about it. Of course, only Allah (swt) can guide people, but you can help open her eyes to it and pray that Allah (swt) will guide her.

 

In the best of circumstances, she would become a Muslim, and you can raise Muslim children without a problem. If she doesn’t accept Islam, at least after further discussion and study she would be more aware of the teachings of Islam and, therefore, you could create an environment that’s more conducive to an Islamic upbringing.

 

However, be aware that the dangers of this are that even if the children are raised as Muslims, if the mother remains as a practising Christian, then they will potentially be influenced by her as their primary caregiver. This is something to keep in mind. It may be possible to raise children in a mutual environment with the focus on a belief in God (swt) and turning to Him and praying to Him as this is something all people of the book do – Muslims and Christians alike. But this could potentially limit their full understanding of Islam.

 

Whilst it is important for us as Muslims to also understand all the other religions, we also need to ensure that we remain true to our deen.

 

Additionally, you can pray Istikharah. Ask Allah (swt) to guide you to make the right choice in your relationship – a choice that will be best for you, her, and the children.

 

The important thing is that you discuss the issue very thoroughly before making a decision whether to move forward and have children or not.

 

May Allah (swt) guide you to make the best decision and bring you contentment in your choice and future.