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Mental & Emotional Well-Being (Counseling Session)

Nasira S. Abdul-Aleem
10 April, 2017

Dear Brother/Sisters,

Thank you for submitting your questions. We sincerely hope you found our counsellor’s answers beneficial.

If you have any question you have never dared to ask, related to mental health, relationships, marriage, or parenting, feel free to send it to [email protected]

The service is completely anonymous!

Thursday, Apr. 13, 2017 | 17:00 - 19:00 GMT

Session is over.
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Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

I'm a 43 years old woman, and I'm really lonely. I do text/email with friends but they are busy with their families. I may have one or two social events per month, but the rest of the time I work, do things by myself (like exercise, read, pray, do things around the house). My parents are old so I visit them a lot and care for them when required. They did not want me to get married but I did as I always wanted babies. Anyway, I'm lonely now and want someone to care about me. Is it ok if I seek out a non-Muslim man to do things with? If he cares about me, he will also help me in life like cut the grass, do repairs in my house, take me to the doctor if I'm sick, etc. I've gone behind my parents back and asked "elders" about marriage; gone online, contacted various Islamic organizations, but they all say my age is prohibitive. Occasional emails/text and a few hours here and there in a social setting are no longer enough for me. I'm trying hard not to sink into depression, but it's not working.



As-Salaamu ‘alalikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhum

My dear sister in Islam, your age in not prohibitive! Khadijah, may Allah be Pleased with her, was 40 years old when she married the Prophet (Peace on him) and their love was the best ever!!! The idea that age matters is a cultural thing, not Islam. Now, our bodies do matter sometimes. As women age, they lose their sexual attributes—that is why Allah allows us to take off our outer garments when we get menopausal—because we begin to lose our allure after menopause. But, not right away and you are too young for that anyway… this does not sound like the problem you are having, you are just not 18 anymore.

You say you have gone online but I think you should try that again. That to me would be a very good route for you to check out. It used to be dangerous to try to find a suitor online but now it is the norm and very productive. There are a few Muslim websites just for marriage.

I think your problem is confidence—your unIslamic cultural views have corrupted you thinking on this subject. You are a very good woman to take care of your parents –many men would be very happy to have a righteous wife like you! Please don’t let your non-Islamic cultural ideas corrupt your thinking. You could be having love in your life but your culture is making you think that you can’t.

That said, if you can’t find anyone, we are all going to be married to the person who is our “pair” in Janna – so hope for the Next Life in Janna (Allah created us in pairs)! There are many very famous men in Islam who did not marry (Ibn Taymiyyah, for one). Any tests we suffer in this life can give us great hopes for Relief in the Next Life. So, do not forget that the equation of our life includes the next life’ that is how all the suffering in this life makes sense.

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Also, if you do not find a husband, you could get involved in some social work that made you feel very useful and meaningful in other people’s lives; sometimes this sort of thing gives a person something else to live for besides personal love, i.e., love for others.

Lastly, when Muslim women don’t marry and have children they are then available to other Muslim women who do—for their health care with a woman instead of a man. I know it is too late in life for you to become a doctor, but how about a nurse or midwife so that you could help Muslim women with having babies so that we don’t have to go to men for our health care. If you don’t want to go back to school, how about teaching driving to Muslim women… or anything else that takes a one-on-one relationship, like tutoring.

About depression, the best remedy for depression is two things: one, respect your feelings and let them process, then, get up, brush the dust off and get to work doing things that you enjoy. Even if those things are not “the” very thing that you wanted to do or have, you can find some happiness and satisfaction in them, they usually can go a long way towards making you feel bolstered internally with something that answers to your need to feel good. Of course, the first line of action is to ask Allah to Help you see through your tests to His Wisdom in your tests –and to give you confidence about the Next Life… inShaAllah.

May Allah Make it easy for you.

 

Salaam. Thanks a lot for your services. I am in a difficult situation at work. Apart from the work stress, now I am in charge of a male employee I regularly have to discuss work with. However, often times, I don't feel at ease with him. Especially when I am already overwhelmed with stress, and I don't feel well dealing with him costs me a lot of energy. Just last week, it became clear to me that he is attracted to me as is shown from the way he looks at me and his nervous behavior around me. I am trying to stay professional but the situation is tense. How can I cope with the situation for it to not get out of hand?



As-Salaamu ‘alalikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhum

Are you married? Do you like him too? Are you worried about this being “wrong” in Islam or “on the job”, or both?

If you are not married, then there is nothing “wrong” with him feeling something for you, or vice versa—actually, there is nothing “wrong” with either of you “feeling” whatever you feel, even if you are married—we can’t stop feeling what we “feel”—we can only not express it—especially when our feelings are for people of the opposite gender when we are married –to express them then is wrong, and/or to express them in wrong ways is wrong when we are married!

If you feel that because this situation is “on your job” and that it is what is wrong with it, I don’t agree. This world throws us (males and females) together in the work place, at school, in the mall, in taxis, etc. etc. etc.… Do you think that that w (men and women) are not going to react to each other just because the world got it wrong! The fact that we feel things for each other is the very reason why, in Islam, we separate the genders—so that they are not constantly under the threat of temptation, especially when they are married. But, alas, we live in a world that is not ruled by the wisdom of Islam, so we have to figure out how to deal with it. And, it is not “dealing with it” to think that the feelings are wrong or the problem—they are inescapable. A problem arises only when people act inappropriately on their feelings, in response to their feelings. That is when feelings become “wrong”.

Now, you may think that the feelings are inappropriate because your culture has taught you that. But, I say that that is only a cultural thing and not Islam; feelings are never inappropriate because we can’t escape them–JUST WHAT WE DO WITH THEM is the thing that can be inappropriate.

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It sounds like this poor guy is trying to hide his feelings but can’t. So, please give him some credit for that. The way you made it sound in your question is that he was doing something “wrong” with his feelings. He can’t help feeling! He can help acting on them. Then, then, then, if he does something inappropriate, then, that would be a very different discussion all together.

If he is behaving inappropriately, take action to protect yourself. However, if he is just suffering with his own feelings, have mercy on him and try to help him out by letting him know that you cannot reciprocate his feelings. Can you rearrange things at your job so that he does not have to be around you?

If you feel something for him too (and you are not married), there is nothing wrong with advancing both your interests. Just do it in the right way according to Islamic law. If you are married, can you rearrange things so that he does not have to be around you—or let him know, somehow tactful, that you are married (if he does not know already). That should help him cool his emotions, inShaAllah.

My dear sister, culture has poisoned Islam, so please try to figure out what is culture and what is Islam. Also, culture can be the enemy of Islam (like you having to work around men), so please try to figure out how to deal with it without blaming the victim.

May Allah Make it easy for you.

Assalam u alikum wa rahmatullah. I am 17 years old boy. I have a problem with masturbation. I previously sent a message to you and allahamdulilah the response helped as this bad habit become much less than before. He you for the help. May God help me to leave this completely. But I come across weakness of iman before actually even I had that problem. I used to be a practicing Muslim. I am still doing my 5 times prayer and fast, but in the past when I missed a prayer, I was very scared and could not forgive myself. But now if I might miss one of my prayers, I am not scared like I was in the past. This scares me. Why I am not scared? Please help me. Can you tell me how can I overcome to this feeling? Sorry for taking your time.



As-Salaamu ‘alalikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhum

Thank you for taking my time with this very important question!

I too hope that you continue to gain strength against your problem of masturbation and I am so happy that anything that I said helped you!—all Guidance is from Allah and then He Rewards us for it—SubhanAllah!

Regarding what you see as a problem with your “iman”, I am not so sure that you have a problem. I think that you might be having a different way of looking at your sins. I want to point out to you that you feel very guilty that you don’t feel as guilty as you used to (when you missed your prayer). That too is a way of feeling guilty—just a different way. I want to point out a comment you made in your question that leads me to believe that you needed to change in this way—in your attitude—and that that is why you are going through this, inShaAllah.

You said: “in the past when I missed a prayer, I was very scared and could not forgive myself”. Now, not being able to forgive yourself is not Islam. So many people get this wrong. In psychology, we call this “toxic guilt”. “Toxic” means poisonous. In this case, it means too much of a good thing, like eating too much ice cream. One woman even died from drinking too much water. So, everything has its place and balance. Guilt is a necessity of life to keep us from doing “too much” of something that is wrong—or letting us know that something is wrong so to stay away from it; Allah has given us this “shut-off button” to make us stop—or repent when we went too far. However, shaitan will load that shut-off button with the emotional message that also says “you are unforgivable because you did (such and such)”. Nothing is “unforgivable” except polytheism. And polytheism is associating a partner with Allah, not being weak or making a mistake. If you were missing your prayers because you did not believe in Islam, then you would have reason to be very worried—and would not even know it. But, that is not what is going on with you—you are missing them out of weakness–and that is “human”. Allah says that He Loves those who repeats again and again. How could we do that if we did not sin?

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Do you get it? I am not suggesting that you go out and sin! I am suggesting that, when you sin, by mistake or weakness, you feel guilty (as you do), and repent, but also recognize that that state-of-being, i.e., one of being penitent, is the state-of-being that Allah wants us in—in relationship to Him! He wants us humble, in need of Him! So, the best way to get into that state is not to NOT sin but to feel guilty when we do sin (by mistake or out of weakness) and then to go to Allah begging for Mercy and Forgiveness. This shows respect for His Authority. None of that says: “you should not forgive yourself”!

This misunderstanding about Islam gives us a “disease” in our hearts (with shaitan promoting it). It comes from a person thinking that, if you are a true believer you won’t sin. Then, when a person sins, they feel worthless and hopeless because they think they are not forgivable. People who think this way often become alcoholics because they give up on themselves and life. That idea is not the Islamic formula for belief—repentance (for mistakes and weaknesses) and asking Allah to Help us is the formula for belief in Islam.

So, it may be a “good” thing on your path to true Islam that you had a change in your feelings—so you can get rid of that poison that says you are unforgivable!!! Now, make tawba, follow it up with reading more Quran and Hadith, get to the masjid more to surround yourself with people who remind you not of the bad stuff but of Allah’s Rahma—to help you to know that Allah is Forgiving, Al-Gafur! May Allah Make it easy for you.

As-salam alaykum, Please, I need your sincere advice. About 2 years ago I fell in love with a Christian guy. He loves me too. I know I can't marry him because of Islamic rulings. Now he wants to accept Islam because he wants to marry me but I fear things will be not right in the future. What should I do?



As-Salaamu ‘alalikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhum

That is great news—why do you “fear things will not be right in the future”?

Because you have not told me what makes you fear the future, I am going to respond to your question assuming that you fear that his Islam will not be sincere and that he only converted to marry you. Also, you may fear that your family may not trust his conversion. Also, his family may reject him if he converts….

If those are the reasons, then one way to figure out the answers to them is to take your time. After he takes his Shahada, wait—at least a few months—and see what happens before marrying him.  During that time, you can see if he was sincere. You can see what his family thinks—and does to him—they may disown him.

If, on the other hand, you have to marry him immediately after he converts because you and he can’t wait (you may commit zeena), then at least be aware of the risk that you are taking. You may end up suffering in your life with a person who is not a believer in Islam in his heart.

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If he is a true believer in Islam in his heart, he will be able to deal with his family rejecting him—well, depending on how one defines the word “deal”. He may not “like” it if his family rejects him, but he will hold his ground if he is a true believer. But, if his conversion was only to marry you and you don’t marry him right away, then he may return to the religion of his family. It would be very important for you to find out the answer to this question before marrying him—beyond just what he tells you. if he takes his Shahada and deals with its fallout before you marry him, you will be able to be much more knowledgeable about what is “really” going on in his heart, InShaAllah.

Remember, kindness is not belief. The Prophet’s (Peace on him) uncle, Abu-Taalib, was all goodness to the Prophet (Peace on him) but to the end he was an unbeliever. Abu-Safyan, on the other hand, fought the Prophet (Peace on him) and became a Muslim in the end…. Go figure! Allah is the Guide!!!

All that to say, some people are “nice” out of pride—they are good because it makes them feel good about themselves. They are not conscious of or interested in doing good things to please Allah. The problem with that sort of goodness (for personal pride) is that it is not reliable the way “taqwa” is, i.e., God-consciousness. Taqwa is love for Allah and fear of Allah (that He Will Remove His Protection of you in this life and punish you in Hell in the next). Love of Allah (Who is Ar-Rahman, Ar-Raheem) gives us hope in His Mercy, that He will forgive our sins and save us from His Punishment—removing His Protection in this life and the Hell Fire in the Next). That “thinking” is the most reliable because nothing causes fear of sinning like the Hell Fire. And, nothing causes more devotion than love for Allah’s Rahma because that Love is The Best—the most imaginable! So, he may be a nice person now but without taqwa, that could change because the thing(s) behind his niceness are not the things that protect securely the reason for niceness—love of Allah and fear of His Punishment.

So, I strongly suggest you let him take his Shahada and then see what he does after that—when the storm (of his family’s reaction) hits… and May Allah Make it easy for you.

I got married to a well-educated and working Muslim girl. It was a arrange marriage, but unfortunately, she cheated on me. She had been in love with another boy before she knew me; she even had a physical relationship with him. She never told me this before or after our marriage. I got this information from the 3rd one now. I believe that 3rd one because I really feel like that she is not happy with me, she gets very angry at me if I touched her; he is not happy to go physical with me. I noticed that she still loves him and still in touch with him. I checked her mobile. I feel that she has been staying with me because she got used to me, not because she loves me. I seek your advice about what Islam says regarding this condition. Is it wise to carry on with this type of relationship where one person is staying with the other only out of fear of society and relatives while being unfaithful to him in her heart?



As-Salaamu ‘Alalikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh my dear brother in Islam,

I think you should get a divorce to get out of this marriage as it does not serve the function of a marriage. The Quran says about marriage:

“He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy…” (30:21)

I also think that you are duty bound to get out of this marriage because she talks to another man and because she refuses to have sex with you. While she may not be having sex, per se, with him, if she truly does have an ongoing emotional relationship with him that she nurtures, that in and of itself is enough to justify divorce, if not demand it. These things are very serious violations of your rights, both as a husband and as a human being, and are very serious sins in Islam.

Please check with the scholars on this website my understanding, but, from what I know, the Quran says that the adulterer is for the adulteress, so she is not “for you”. She may not have committed zina, per se, but she has gone way too close to it for my comfort. I think this woman is not “for you” because you did not violate your marriage responsibility to her, but she violated yours by not respecting your right that she devotes herself emotionally to you alone and not another man.

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In addition, because she does not want to have sex with you, she violates your marriage rights. This too is a very serious sin in Islam and, as such, a sound basis for divorce.

In your last sentence, you mentioned that she was unfaithful to you in her heart. My dear brother, according to what you said, she has been talking to her lover on her cell phone—that is more than “in her heart”. If her problem were just in her heart, that alone would be reason enough to divorce her. But she gone way beyond that and has acted on her feelings that are in her heart. Free this woman and yourself from her, that’s my opinion.

Also in your last sentence, you mentioned “fear of society”. That is probably going to be a problem, so get ready for it. Before divorcing her, make Istikhara and also ask Allah (swt) to help you weather the storm and the society’s judgments. May Allah (swt) make it easy for you. If you make Istikhara first, you can feel comfortable that whatever you suffer from society’s judgment, it will be suffering for the sake of Allah (swt) which means you can have great hopes gaining a reward from Allah (swt) for your suffering in this life and the next life, in Sha’ Allah.

I pray Allah (swt) gives you a new wife who loves you and cherishes because you seem to be amazingly devoted in marriage. The fact that you even asked this question and did not just divorce her the moment you found out that she had an outside lover means that you have a forgiving heart, ma sha’ Allah. In addition, you are not an adulterer or fornicator—you did not fornicate before marriage or violate her rights in marriage by going outside of your marriage to get your needs met when she refused to have sex with you.

There are hundreds of Muslim women out there who are looking for a husband like you! I think you should benefit one of them with your generous heart, kindness, and loyalty and not waste it on this woman who does not respect you or her religion.

May Allah (swt) make it easy for you.