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Counseling Session on Marital Issues, Motivation & Mental Health

Hannah Morris
06 April, 2018

As-salamu Alaikum Dear brothers and sisters

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah for answering the questions.

Friday, Apr. 06, 2018 | 12:00 - 14:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

My life is empty. I have not achieved anything. I am a good person; I pray and help when I can. But in the last 15 years, I am stuck in a rot. How can I change it around?



Assalamu alaikum wa Rahmatullah wa barakatuh brother,

 

First of all, let me begin by making a big correction to your statement. The fact that you pray and help when you can means that you HAVE achieved something in life. In fact, it means that you have achieved a lot more than many! Piety is worth far much more on the scales than any material achievement. So, whilst materially you might feel like you have achieved nothing, Islamically you have achieved everything. Remember these things first when considering how empty your life really is.

 

If you are perhaps feeling that you are stuck in a rut because you are doing nothing else with your life then you can break free from this by trying something new. Often, when we get stuck in the same old routine day after day things can become boring and we lose the sense of meaning and feel something like you are.

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If you follow the same routine every day then you don’t give yourself the chance to achieve something new. You can break free from this by trying something new. Either take up a new hobby or take a course. This way you will break you out of the same routine that you usually follow as you try something new. It will also give the opportunity to achieve new things, be it a qualification or a new skill. This way you will experience that sense of achievement that you feel you are currently lacking.

 

You might even consider doing a bit of volunteer work. This will contribute to your own achievements as well as those of others. Furthermore, it will give you a sense of achievement in this life as well as in the next in the eyes of Allah.

 

Even doing something more temporary, like taking a holiday or visiting somewhere new can have a similar effect.

 

You could even go for something even more drastic like pursuing a career change, get a new job, or move house. These things will open you up to completely new opportunities. However, given their more drastic nature could also be very stressful, so make sure to give these options careful thought if you do think of them as an option.

 

Being around other people as well can inject a bit of variety into your life also as they may encourage you to go somewhere with them, or do something new according to their own likes.

 

If you continue to feel down like this for an extended period and these feelings do not improve after having tried these things, then it is recommended that you see a doctor or seek counselling as you may be experiencing depression.

 

May Allah guide you away from these feelings and bring you feelings of happiness and contentment.

 

My husband gets angry constantly. He is very poor with handling the family expenses. He always tries to manage my salary as well. I do not earn that much of money. We have a 3 years old too.



Assalamu alaikum Wa Rahmatullah Wa barakatuh sister,

 

Financial matters can often cause difficulties in a marriage as they are in your case. From an Islamic perspective, he is responsible for taking care of financial matters relating to you and your child and sons joule not get angry with you regarding this because it is his responsibility. Assuming the beat in him, perhaps he doesn’t know this and needs reminding. There is clear evidence in the Qur’an that it is his responsibility to provide, even if it is just basic needs at the very least. Therefore, you have every right to request it of him. It might be argued that if his financial situation is not strong then you can help out with your own income if you wish, and may even be the source of his anger. However, the fact that he has savings suggests otherwise.

 

Perhaps you could talk to him on this matter and remind him of his responsibilities. This might be a difficult conversation to have so make sure to broach the topic carefully if you are to get the beat from it. Firstly, don’t approach his in a moment of anger, and make sure you have a quiet moment in a calm state to discuss this serious matter. If you are comfortable and don’t mind providing some financial support, then maybe you could even come to some kind of middle ground agreement that you will provide some assistance, but he needs to step up more. This compromise might make him more amenable to change his ways of spending. But, this is only if you want to because you are not obliged to.

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If you want to oblige your rights as a wife, you could just refuse to pay anything son that he has to. Obviously, he needs to eat as well so will soon wee the consequences of having no food in the house and will be forced to fulfill his obligation and provide financially.

 

Regarding the loan, if it was one that you took out,  or were part of then you will be held accountable for this as much as he is as you entered into it knowingly. If it is a loan that has interest then the consequences with Allah will not be good unless you repent, so make sure to do this and stay away from loans if this is the case. Whilst you cannot take this back and will have to deal with unfortunate consequences of paying it back, you can learn some valuable lessons and not take one again. If your husband has savings, then there is no need to have one. If he asks you to take a loan again that has Interest, then out of fear of Allah for both yourself and your husband you should decline and have solid grounds to from an Islamic perspective.

 

May Allah bring you peace and happiness in your marriage and guide you both on the straight path.

Hello. I would like to know something. There is this girl who I love so much. We are currently in a relationship, but I keep on dreaming frequently that I am spending time together with her. In real life, I keep on doubting that she loves me because of the way she behaves with me. Does this dream have any meaning?



Assalamu alaikum Wa Rahmatullah Wa barakatuh,

 

I am not trained in dream interpretation so cannot advise directly on this. You could take this to a learned scholar who can advise on this. What I can say is that Islamically, e know that dreams can come from 3 things; Shaytaan, Allah or your own random thoughts. In this case, given that you have been spending time with this girl it is quite likely that you would then go on and dream about her, for no other reason than you are spending time with her, but Allah knows best.

 

Sometimes people will desire to find meaning in their dreams, especially after having made istikhara, but it is important to be aware of how your daily experiences can also impact on the dreams you have and how you interpret them. When it comes to relationships you have to be cautious of your interpretations in case it causes you to do something haram. In your case, for example, it may be tempting to read into this as a  dream from Allah that is encouraging you to get married to this girl, when actually it could be Shaytaan encouraging you to stay in a relationship that is not meant to be, or just a completely random dream. Ultimately, be careful of how your current relationship with her and feelings towards her might be affecting your personal interpretations.

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Either way, do be aware that having a relationship with a girl outside of marriage is not permissible in Islam and may be affecting your reflections of your dream and be encouraging you to continue with something in a way that is disliked by Allah. If you require further guidance on this matter then do make sure to seek guidance from a trusted scholar or imam.

 

May Allah guide you on the straight path and protect you from harm.

Hello. I am a new Muslim married to a born Muslim. I converted to Islam because of my own decision. Now I dress and use hijab like a normal Muslim. I have been a good girl all my life. There is no reason for him to call me by bad words, but he does everything he wants. Also, he tells me anytime that he pays for me a place to live and food. He says I take long time cooking. He also says I do not cook the food the women in his country cooks. That is not true I have learn to prepare some of his food. He also is jealous of me going to a different school than him. I earned a scholarship in a black school. He says I am in love with blacks. This is no true. If it is for me, I will not even be studying but working. I do very good at school because I always try to study so much and he never sees it. He always let me alone in home doing everything even his homework. He always says thank you when I do his homework, then when I have to finish mine he says to me I am not making him happy because I do not give him time. Every time he does not recognize what I do, I get very angrily. I scream at him so much and cry in front of him. I beg him to explain me why he lies about me and why he does not see what I do. It has been like this for 1 year. His family does not like me because I am not from his family. My family is back in my country. When I screamed at him he hits me badly. I hit him back because he takes me out of control. I can not believe the person I chose for my life is able to says thing about no true and is able to not appreciate what I do. He drink alcohol before and he stoped after all I beg to him and help him to stop drinking. Also because his friend for drinking moved to a different state. He has being in more trouble and I helped him to pay so much money. When I need some help in school from him He says no I will not help you do it alone. I have beg him to let us ask for help in the mosque. He said people in the mosque are bad and no one will tell him to handle his married. I spoke with a Muslim friend. She advised me and he found it out and hit me worse. Recently I got overtired I asked the sheik to help me but he did not advice me. After, I leave the house but I could not find help so I had to get back. I have not study Quran enough to understand what I am doing wrong. My faith in Allah is less every day because I can not understand why all of this suffering. I know I do wrong screaming at him but I can not control myself. It hurts me the bad words, the lies, the hits. I do not want to get divorced because I feel to get married is forever and you have to try and be patient. But I see my body hit and I do not what to think that fight with Allah. Thanks



Assalamu alaikum Wa Rahmatullah wa barakatuh sister,

 

You really have faced some difficulties in this marriage and whilst all marriages do face their own difficulties, in most cases, it is possible to overcome them, but when there is abuse involved like this it becomes a lot more difficult. Given the nature of the abuse I cannot advise on how you might improve things in the relationship, because it is not acceptable, but I also don’t like to advise divorce I  a situation where I haven’t heard both sides of the story as well as marriage being so valued in Islam, so will instead advise on how to manage your own psychological state to make things easier for you, in sha Allah.

 

In cases where marriage is facing difficulties, I would always advise seeking counselling, even if it looks like divorce is the only way forward. This is so that you will not look back with regrets as you tried everything to make things work and divorce was the absolute last option. In your case, however, you have already taken this step and it did not work out in your favor, and in fact, only made the abuse worse. If you chose to seek a divorce, make sure to surround yourself tithe support from loved ones as it can be very difficult, even in times where it is the best option. Furthermore, remember that seeking a new marriage again doesn’t have to be a burden or difficult so don’t let this thought stop you.

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Unfortunately, the situation is threatening your faith, but it doesn’t have to if you frame your situation in the best way. Often when people are in a situation that causes them to ask ’why me?’ it makes them feel distant from Allah as they question why? Finding no answer to the question why makes them feel even worse and pushes them away even further. If you search in Islam you can actually find all the answers to why and these answers can be very empowering.

 

  • Allah brings trials to those He loves most because it is a chance to purify you from sins
  • Remember the amount of suffering the great prophets of Islam went through before us. If it was some kind of punishment, then He wouldn’t have put the best of people through such suffering.
  • The suffering will not be forever. It will pass. It will eventually just become a memory
  • You will be rewarded for your patience, if not in this life, then the next and not only that, the greater the trial you endure, the bigger the reward!
  • In fact, for every wrong that you have faced at the hands of another, you will be given a portion of their good deeds.

Aside from the Islamic answer to this, suffering can be a good way to build resilience and make you stronger and nurture greater levels of emotions regulation and distress tolerance skills. Furthermore, it places you in a situation where you become more aware of your blessings as right now they may seem so few and therefore they are easier to notice and appreciate. This can enhance your level of gratitude and appreciation and to make the most of the blessings you do have.

 

May Allah guide you, strengthen you and reward your patience. May He bring you ease in your difficulties

I'm a muslimah who has reverted to Islam at the age of 17, but after that, I had a lot of difficulties regarding faith. My first problem have I had a doubt regarding wudu that I always feel like farting while making wudu and praying. Whenever I recite something in my salah like Al fathiha or any other surah or any other stuff what we have to recite in rukoo or sajda or when I do sajda, I feel I'm doing it for the sake of shaitan. When I do dikr or say any dua starting with rabbana, I feel I'm denoting shaitan. Whenever I bend I feel that I'm bowing to shaitan. Whenever I swear bad words I feel I'm swearing on Allah. Whenever I come across all these stuff, I regret and repent and seek Allah forgiveness but now asking forgiveness has tired me. I started getting anxiety and panic attacks. Often I have a constant urge to bow to anything or anyone blasphemy. All these terrify me and I'm developing an aversion towards any ibadah. I'm moving away from Allah and I'm watching dirty stuff, listening to music and masturbating. I really want to come out of this horror.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

It sounds like you are suffering from the whisperings of Shaytaan. This can indeed be very distressing and distracting, but that’s exactly what Shaytan wants. The good news is, the fact that you are bothered by it, have asked for forgiveness and have sought help makes it clear that you want to break free from this and that you are strong enough to beat this.

 

We all face moments where our levels of eman drop, even the most pious of people go through the same so you are not alone. Even some of the best of people at the time of the Prophet (SAW) went through these same difficulties. This is a normal part or faith. You have made it clear that you want to come out of this means that you are willing to do what you can to get back on track again.

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There are many things you can do to work on breaking out of this and push Shaytaan away.

 

  • Remember Allah in all you do. Memorise the du’as to be said before everyday actions such as eating, entering and leaving the house, entering and leaving the bathroom..etc.. This constant remembrance of All will keep Him constantly in mind and push Shaytaan away.
  • Even though you might not feel like praying sometimes and might be overcome by bad thoughts, continue to pray anyway. Don’t let Shaytaan win.
  • Remember to seek refuge with Allah from Shaytaan before you do the things that seem to be most troublesome, like making wudu and praying. You’d be amazed at how those few words can keep your mind more focused.
  • Memorise the meaning of all the actions of prayer in your native language so that you can also be focused on the meaning as you read them. Often, if Arabic is not your native tongue it can be easy to get distracted whilst in prayer.
  • Surround yourself with good and pious people who will be a positive influence on you.
  • Fill any gaps in your time in a ts that will bring you closer to Allah, such as making dhikr and reading Qur’an. This will pull you closer to Allah and push Shaytaan away.

 

It might feel difficult at times, but Shaytaan likes it when you feel this way, so stay strong and keep at it. You can make this easier for yourself by not overburdening yourself with these things. Do them little and often. Start with obligatory prayers, memorize short surahs, read the Quran for just 10 minutes a day and as it becomes easier for you, you can gradually increase the amount you do.

 

May Allah protect you from Shaytaan and guide you on the straight path.

I am working as an accountant in Oman. My family has been trying to find a girl for me for two years. Sometimes my family rejected girls and sometimes the other family rejected me. Can you tell me how much time is needed to get married?



Assalamu alaikum wa Rahmatullah wa barakatuh brother,

Masha Allah, you are on the search for a spouse with the assistance of your family, but unfortunately, you have not found anyone yet.

 

The advice to give in this scenario is to have patience. This might seem easier said than done but will place you in a good situation mentally to be grateful when the time arises that a wife is found for you. When the right person comes your way, Allah will make it happen. However, understandably this time must be pretty stressful for you, but there are some things you can do to make things easier for yourself.

 

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Fasting is an excellent way to manage difficulties faced by the one who is seeking marriage.  It is a means to control urges, nurture patience and get closer to Allah; all of which are things much needed by someone in your situation.

 

Keeping yourself busy will help to keep your mind busy and not fixated on the difficulties you ate facing in finding a wife at present. This goes for activities of worship and everyday activities such as taking part in sports and hobbies.

 

You might decide on an amount of time that you continue like this for before reassessing the situation. Obviously, marriage is highly recommended in Islam for many reasons, but at the same time, you don’t want to rush and marry the wrong person so it’s important to strike a balance.

 

If, in some time, you still haven’t been successful in finding a spouse and you feel you have been patient with the situation for too long, try taking a step back and see if your family are setting their standards too high. Often in search of a spouse, people can have a set of requirements that their spouse must meet, such as being well educated, have a good job, be from a good family, have wealth and be pious too. If it is the case that your family has many requirements for your potential spouse,  then perhaps it’s time to go back and reassess this. Select the most important, and focus on these alone, ensuring that piety is one of these.

 

You could also ask the families of those who rejected your proposals and find out the reason behind their refusal. In most cases, it will be due to reasons that you cannot change, in which case the marriage was never meant to be. But, if it was for reasons that you can work on, then you could do this to increase your prospects. For example, if they are not happy with your level of piety, then this is something you can change and is good to change. But, if it is that perhaps you do not have the level of wealth that they are looking for, or education, or career, then perhaps they are spending too.much time looking for material things in you and Allah saved you from a marriage based too.uch in material things and this is something to be grateful for.

 

May Allah grant you a righteous spouse that will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.