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Is Your Marriage in Trouble? (Counseling Session)

Salamu ‘alaikum dear brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We hope you find the answers beneficial.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.

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Monday, Jun. 25, 2018 | 11:00 - 12:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Asalamualaikum.

I got married last year to my college mate. his parents showed a well financial stability (income from family business) before marriage, but soon after marriage, I got to know that my husband doesn't have any such share, & my husband's ego prevented him from asking money from his parents, so he soon picked up a job which salary was still insufficient as I was pregnant by then.For 1 and a half year, we fight over silly issues because my husband couldn't balance between his parents and me. Due to which I lost respect for him, he has such attitude like "being a man I'm right, my parents are always right, being a woman you should be under me obeying everything I say and do" even though they're wrong in many things, they've such an orthodox thinking where they say women are only limited to household, giving birth to children etc. Even during my pregnancy I've gone through a lot, my husband asked me for talaq, but it didn't work because I was pregnant, he used to drag the fight and make it worse, never understood me and always oppressed, I used foul language many times out of frustration. Whatever the fight maybe he used to go and tell his parents rather than just discussing in the room with me. This made my reputation sink in his family.

Coming to the decision making and obeying my husband, he says he's the sole decision maker for the decisions related to household and the kid. He will just "consider" my idea but will eventually end up doing what he feels right, Where will the woman's decision go then?! There were many incidents where he took a wrong decision (instigated by his parents) for me and the kid, but I corrected him lately and did what was right.

We've faced a situation where we became aggressive and violent towards each other. And this thing spread in his family, both paternal and maternal. Since then I'm at my mom's place and I'm refusing to go back because of things will not be the same, everyone will look at me awfully. I'm demanding separate accommodation, but he's refusing due to his financial condition, I told I'll pick up a job and we can stay but he refused, I told him that I'll then stay at my mom's place and he can come and go whenever he likes, he's also refusing to go with this idea too, he's saying if I don't get back to his home, he'll give me talaq.

What should I do in such a situation?! I've 1 kid and only due to him I want to give another chance to this marriage life, but my husband is arrogant. Please help me with this, jazak allah.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh dear sister,

 

This sounds like quite a complicated situation that is just getting worse, but as you say, you want to give it another chance too. As we know in Islam marriage is highly regarded for a multitude of reasons and it seems you are aware of this to be trying to give it another shot.

 

Take time apart. Given the argument came to blows the last time, you have done a wise thing to step away for a bit. It seems this is making him angry as he is saying he will give talaq if you don’t go back, but there is the fear that if you go back too soon it will only erupt all over again. Taking time away will give you both the space to clear your heads and remember each other’s good points rather than being constantly irritated by the negatives due to being in each others company all the time. Obviously, you don’t want to make this something that will go on for too long, but you don’t want him to get any angrier too. Pares you could stay with your mum a little longer, but get the message to him as to why – that is for the benefit of your relationship long term.

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Seek counselling. This is an ongoing matter that has extended family involved now too, so I’d highly recommend counseling as a means to both get your frustrations out in the open in a controlled environment. It will give you both the opportunity to have your voices heard with a third party present to mediate your transactions. If you do this with an imam, he will be able to advise from an Islamic perspective also which will be especially useful when it comes to advising you both on your roles as husband and wife.

 

See it from his perspective. .Your financial situation is difficult right now. This is probably placing a burden on him psychologically as he clearly feels he has to provide. If you work, then perhaps he feels like he is being stripped of his role as a husband and father. Understanding his side, and why he might be frustrated will soften your heart towards him and make it easier to deal with him appropriately keeping these sensitive matters in mind.

 

As well as understanding his,  also try to understand his parents too. Not that this justifies any poor manners, but it’ll. Make it easier for you to approach the situation in a way that they will all be more receptive too. It will help to calm any anger you may have towards them too. Understand that as his parents, he has been raised by them so has a level of respect for them that takes precedence even when they are wrong sometimes. They also only want to see him happy so when they see an inkling of unhappiness seemingly caused by you, they will have bad feelings towards you. Likewise, you may notice similar attitudes in yourself when dealing with matters relating to your child. As I said, this doesn’t me these attitudes ok, but will hopefully settle your mind to understand its nothing against you personally, but simply a result of parent-child bonds.

 

Compromise. Once things are easier between you and you have a better understanding of one another, perhaps you might propose some kind of compromise where he allows you to work part-time in an appropriate environment. This way, you get your way and are able to support him financially, but he also gets his way in that you won’t be going to work full time or be the primary provider in the household.

 

Work on your relationship once things have cooled down a bit, also do things to support your relationship by doing things together as a couple just the 2 of you. Many times in-laws get involved as in this situation and it can have a big impact on the marriage between a man and woman. Spending time alone together enables you to appreciate one another once again without the interference of anyone else. It gives you the chance to strengthen your marriage separate from others son that you will be more united when others are involved.

 

May Allah bring you to ease in your marriage and make it easy for you to recover from recent difficulties.


As'salamu alaykum, I want to ask a question regarding marriage. I was in love with a girl and promised her to marry. Later I refused her and accepted another proposal which came from my mother.

After some months the bride’s family got to know that I had some affair with the girl, and later it was solved but the bride was having some doubts regarding this marriage. She decided to do istikhara. She was praying it for 7 days, but no solution has come out. So the bride is having a confusion regarding this marriage.

Is it suitable to marry her or not? As she didn't get any dream or sing notation from istikhara. As the marriage’s day is getting closer, we are having problems. What’s the solution to this? Thank you.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

You have done one of the best things in trying to reach a resolution for this situation and that is to make istikhara. You say that the girl made istikhara, but you should also do the same too to get the best result for yourself also. Do understand that istikhara is not always answered in the form of a dream. Ultimately, if it is meant to be Allah will allow not to happen and if not, He will place obstacles in the way of it happening. This could even just occur within your heart. Allah will guide your heart to either desire to push forward with the marriage or to have some kind of doubt that stops you from moving forward.

 

I would also suggest that during this time of istikhara you stay away from the other girls in question. This is for a couple of reasons. Firstly, given you are not married you should not be alone with either of them anyway, but also spending time with either of them could influence your interpretation of the result of the istikhara. If you spend time with someone, you develop feelings for them naturally. This could then be read as a positive result for the istikhara, when in fact it is solely a result of being alone with and developing feelings for the person.

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Remember that istikhara won’t necessarily be answered right away also, so keep on with it each day. Pray for Allah’s forgiveness and guidance in the matter. Keep Allah close by maintaining your daily acts of worship that you will make a decision with a fear of Allah in your heart also.

 

Being apart from them will also give you a clear space to think deeply about what the best course of action is. Consider all options available to you. Think about the pros and cons of each and consider how pleasing each of these is to Allah. Use these considerations, along with the istikhara to guide you in making your decision.

Beyond this, if you feel the matter is too complicated to involve other family members then you dot have to, especially since it involves exposing the sin of an affair. Whilst at present if you are not married to anyone you are not obliged to any of the girls, it also means that neither of them is permissible to you until you are married.

 

May Allah guide you to make the decision that is best for all involved. May He bless you with a righteous spouse when the time is right.


salamu alaykum. I have been married for a year and four months and I’m at my wits end. I’m not satisfied in my marriage sexually. I really do not like being with my husband. And it’s gett worse every day. What can I do?



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

It is not unusual in a relationship that after some time of marriage that one or other of the couple experience some kind of dissatisfaction, whether it be sexually or otherwise. In this case, you feel like the situation is only getting worse so it is important to try and work things out as soon as possible. There are a number of ways in which you can do this.

 

Rekindling the relationship, remembering what attracted you to him in the first place can be a good place to start. Often after being married for a while, we lose sight of these things as daily life takes over. Take some time to remember why you fell in love with him in the first place. You can also make this something that you do together. Spend time together alone and talk about things you have done together in the past. Laugh and smile over fun times you had together previously and fall.in love with those things all over again. Nurturing the love between you like this again will strengthen the love between you and indirectly improve things in other departments of the relationship, such as intimacy. This is something that you could organize to do on a regular basis to keep the love alive. You could do something as simple as going out for dinner together, or you could do something completely new and fun together. Experiencing something new and fun together can be a helpful way of naturally boosting your happiness and bond together.

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Another thing to try is actually spending some time apart also. Often after being together for some time we get used to one another being around and take things for granted. Being apart from one another gives you the space to reflect on the marriage, remember what you love about each other and ultimately miss one another as your attention is now drawn to the good things that you miss. To achieve this maybe you could arrange to go and spend a weekend with family away from home.

 

Another option is to try counseling. This will give you the space to speak openly about your feelings in a non-judgmental space. If you feel like this is a bit too drastic you could begin by making it an issue that you talk about at home first. It may be that it is something that you can resolve between you without intervention from a third party. It may be that your husband is not aware of your feelings and so is not doing anything to improve things simply because he is not aware. He can only become aware of things and make an effort to work with you to improve things if you discuss the matter together. When doing this, make sure to be sensitive as he may feel insulted by some of the things you say. Especially if he doesn’t feel there is a problem. It might be quite a difficult thing to bring to him, but if you don’t then it will be difficult for things to change. If it is too difficult to bring to him, then this is where seeking counseling with a third party may be helpful for you.

 

May Allah guide you to overcome your marital difficulties and bring peace and contentment between the two of you that you will be the coolness of each other’s eyes in this life and the next.


I am a 34-year-old Muslim lady. I have been suffering from Anxiety and Depression problems from past 3 to 4 years. I work in a software firm where I have to interact with men who respect me as I observe hijab.

But I am not happy. I always feel that I am doing something wrong. I almost cry daily that I have to work in this environment. But my husband insists that I am not doing anything wrong and that I should continue working. He wants me to support him financially. I want to do that but in an Islamic environment. Please advise me on this. Jazakallahu khair.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

You are in a difficult situation at the moment, torn between working in an uncomfortable environment but pleasing your husband by supporting the family financially or abandoning your work to feel more comfortable only to potentially upset your husband due to disobeying him and not supporting him financially as he has requested. Either way feels like there will be a negative consequence for you and your relationship. This will inevitably fill you with negative feelings and will only serve to exacerbate the anxiety and depression that you have experienced for a while now.

 

Working in segregated environments these days is quite difficult to come by. Most jobs require some kind of interaction with members of the opposite gender at some point. The most important thing is that there are no situations where is necessary to be alone with someone of the opposite gender. You know yourself what the level of contact is with men, whether it is just in passing in brief interactions, or whether it is necessary to be alone with other men to fulfill the roles of the job. Identifying the level of interaction will help you to decide if the environment really is appropriate or not.

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If you are feeling uncomfortable to the point that it is making you this sad then it is recommended that you try and find your way out of this job. Whilst, Islamically it is not necessary for you to work as your husband is responsible for taking care of you. However, if you must work for the sake of maintaining financial stability, then you should really only be working in environments that are compatible with Isalm and do not involve extended interactions with men. As a middle ground, perhaps you could be looking for another more appropriate job in the meantime where the contact with men is more limited.

 

You do have every right to refuse to work as a husband is to provide for you, You also understandably want to obey your husband, both out of respect and as a means of maintaining peace and happiness in your relationship. However, there are times when it is ok to go against your husband especially when it comes to a matter of the Deen. If you are uncomfortable in your working environment, and knowing the work environment yourself and your level of contact with other men feel it is against the Deen then also have every right to disobey him in this matter.

 

This doesn’t make things any easier when it comes to decision making! So, you might consider making a compromise with your husband, where you continue to work to be able to support him financially but find work somewhere else more appropriate. If this is going to take a while then your husband should be patient with this for the sake of pleasing Allah son that you can work in a more appropriate environment.

 

Aside from all this, what you are going through is very stressful and will only be making your anxiety and depression worse. It is therefore very important that you help yourself with this. Seeking counseling for this to tackle the ongoing issue is recommended as well as taking care of yourself in the meantime in terms of spending time with other people and engaging in hobbies that you enjoy doing, as well as maintaining your daily worship as a means to find comfort with Allah. This will bring positivity into your life as well as making it easier for you to manage your current stressful and uneasy situation.

 

Praying istikhara about the situation will make it easier for you to make the best decision also as Allah will guide you. Of working in your current environment is ok, He will facilitate it and if not, He will make things easy with your husband and make it easy to find a new, more appropriate job if necessary.

 

May Allah guide you to make the best choice that will be pleasing to Him. May He bring ease between you and your husband and the financial situation of your family.


I recently met my boyfriend during Ramadan. We both were fasting but we hugged each other. My boyfriend had an orgasm. It was during our fast.

I am at such a bad dilemma that he is very sad about it and doesn’t want to talk to me. I feel like killing myself and feel pathetic about him being through this because of me.

Is there any way out? I just don't want him to be punished. Please, can u tell me what is to be done and how can we make it to it?



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

Firstly, and most importantly, I would urge you to go to your doctor or a counselor as wood as possible regarding feeling suicidal. If you have been feeling this way for a while, then please do make this a matter of urgency. If you would feel more comfortable, take a friend or family member along.

 

Regarding the Islamic rulings on what happened, you can ask a scholar who will be able to advise on your situation. However, I can give you guidance on the psychological aspects of the situation.

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In the meantime, I can advise on the specific situation you are writing in about. As difficult as it has been for you, the fact that you are both feeling so bad about what has happened is a good thing. It means you feel some remorse for what has happened and this will make it easier for you to humble yourself before Allah in seeking His forgiveness.

 

As I’m sure you are aware, having boyfriends/girlfriends in Islam is not permitted. Unfortunately, you have suffered the consequences of this, however, all is not lost Allah loves to forgive so do be sure to repent to Him and seek comfort in His remembrance, maintaining your obligations to Allah alongside repentance. This will help you to find comfort during these distressing time. Seeking Allah’s forgiveness lets him know that you are truly sorry for what has happened and you are humbling yourself in front of the Most Forgiving seeking His Mercy.

 

Additionally, the negative feelings will protect you from doing things in the future that you fear may anger Allah. It is advisable in this situation that you avoid contact with this guy for now to avoid anything like this happening again. This may be tough, but for the sake of Allah, it will ease your difficulties. If you wish to have contact with him again, make sure to have a mahram present to avoid interactions getting to a point where further sin may be committed.

 

If you are serious about him, then you might consider marriage to him by arranging meetings between the families, to begin with. Alternatively, if you feel like marrying him may be a bad idea given your history, yet still feel the need for the companionship that marriage brings, then you could ask your family to help you find a spouse.

 

Aside from all this, considering all the distress you are going through, for the sale of your psychological wellbeing, make sure to take good care of yourself. Spend time with people, get sufficient sleep, eat and exercise well and continue to do all the things that you enjoy. These things will help you to remain in the most positive stare whilst facing difficulties. It will make it easier for you to manage your situation most effectively whilst boosting your wellbeing.

 

May Allah forgive you both and guide you to make the best decision about where to go from here that will be good for you as well as bringing you happiness and contentment.


I am married for some years and have no kids yet. It was an arranged marriage.

We started living together 6 months ago before that due to visa complications we were not living together. She used to visit me once a year before we started to live together. We never had a fight or disagreement in all these years. She never complains about anything and always say she loves me and I am her soulmate. A few days ago I found on her cell phone that she shared nude pics and videos of her with another man. I am very heartbroken and lost all my trust. I haven’t talked about this thing to her yet as I am emotionally very disturbed.

Just to add that she used to do the same thing in the past and she shared her nude pics with a guy before marriage. I got to know about this thing and forgive for her past mistake Also she has no inclination towards religion. She prays neither fast and has many male friends.

Kindly advise me what should I do? Should I divorce her as she cheated on me for sharing nude pics after marriage? Please advise me regarding this. Thanks.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

When a marriage faces such a betrayal like this, it can be difficult to know what to do. Do you forgive and move on with the one you love so dearly, or do you part ways for fear you will never recover from the betrayal and it will affect your marriage forever.

 

In this case, you have every right to divorce her for what she has done, but you also have the option to forgive if you feel you can. What she has done is a grave sin, but it is also good to practice forgiveness as we pray for Allah’s forgiveness for other sins we commit. However, that does not mean you have to, especially since she has done this before in the past. This is going to cause serious trust issues for you as you feel that she may have the potential to do mot again.

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Once you are feeling calmer and less emotionally disturbed it would be a good idea to talk to her about it. Give her the chance to apologize. You will be able to feel for yourself she is genuine in her apology.

 

If you choose to stay it will be a challenge to build the trust that has been broken again. If you make this choice you must be prepared to trust her again if your relationship is to succeed. If you don’t feel like you could ever trust her again then your marriage will have a hard time working out.

 

If you choose to leave do be prepared for some difficulty in adjusting to a new life. Seek support from your loved ones in order to ease the emotional burden that you may face.

 

Either way, make sure to take care of yourself. Eat well, sleep well and exercise and do things that you enjoy. Staying or leaving will likely come with some kind of emotional turmoil or other, so protect your own well being as a means of taking care of your psychological wellbeing.

 

In order to make this process easier, you might consider marriage counseling. This serves a couple of purposes. Firstly, it will provide you both the opportunity to share your feelings in an open space free from judgment. If done with an imam, he will also be able to guide you according to Islamic values. It will give you the space to get everything out in the open in a controlled environment. It will also give you the chance to try everything to make it work. This way, if you choose to leave then you can be confident that you are doing the right thing as you have done all you can to make it work before ultimately bringing it to an end.

 

Alongside all this, considering it is a very important decision to make, continue to pray to Allah to ease your situation. Additionally, you can pray istikhara for Allah to guide you to make the best decision for both you and your wife that will be most pleasing to Him. If your marriage is meant to continue, He will guide you to make it work and if not He will make it easy for you to walk away.

 

May Allah guide you to make the best decision. May He make everything happen easily for you with the least emotional turmoil.


Salam. I am 20-year-old female and my issue is that I am not afraid of the responsibilities that I have after marriage that at one thing I can’t comprise is that I don’t want to fulfill my husband’s desires. I don’t want to do intercourse at any time he wants. As all people say. if husband calls his wife then she has to obey him. Just tell me, is the wife, not a human being? Does she have no life? Does she have to do everything according to his mood? If I think I will have intercourse because of having kids but after kids, I will never ever have intercourse with him. In fact, I will hate him if he will say to me that he wants intercourse. Is there no duty on the husband to control his desires after marriage. Should I marry or not with such thoughts? I can take care of his health, his everything very honestly, but intercourse I can’t.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

It certainly can make for an uncomfortable marriage when both spouses have different ideas about things. In this case, your husband expects you to obey him and have intercourse at his request, but you don’t believe it should be this way. This is causing difficulties in your relationship, especially due to your lack of desire to have intercourse with him.

 

One of the most effective ways to tackle this is to improve the love between you. As the love is strengthened between you, your desire to be intimate with him will also increase. There are several ways you can improve the feelings between you.

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Remember why you fell in love with him in the first place. At some point in your marriage, you will have been completely in love with him for one reason or another. Perhaps you liked the way he looked, the way he treated you or his manners. Find these qualities in him again and spend time focusing on appreciating these, rather than those things that you despise. This will help to soften your heart towards him.

 

Spend quality time together. Block out 1 evening a week/fortnight/month depending on your usual schedules, where you will spend time alone together doing something enjoyable that you both enjoy, such as going out for dinner, or a walk. On these occasions you can talk about good times you have shared together and smile over past memories with gratitude. Sharing positive moments together can be a way to promote positive feelings between you both.

 

Work on common goals. You might think of starting a new hobby together, such as a sport, or a course. Working on a common goal plans you in a pi2where you will be encouraging each other to perform well. This seeks to strengthen bonds between you as you achieve things together by supporting each other.

 

Talk and compromise. It may be that your husband is unaware of your feelings. If he is not aware of them then he can’t do anything to change his behavior towards you.  This is most easily resolved by talking to him about it to make him aware of this. This way you can come to some kind of compromise where you can both have your needs met to some extent at least. Perhaps he could agree to be less demanding, if you agree to abide by some of his requests. Perhaps there are certain things that might be easier to make a compromise with. If he is willing to make some compromises for you, then you should also be willing to do the same for him too.

 

Seek counseling. You could attend marriage counseling or even seek counsel with your local imam. The latter of which may be especially used as he will be able to advise you both based on Islamic wisdom. In particular, he will be able to guide your husband on how best to utilize, without abusing his position as a husband according to Islamic values, and likewise for you too.

 

Spend some time apart.  Often when couples spend every day together they can easily come to take each other for granted. When this occurs, it becomes easy to focus on their faults out of frustration and overlook their positive points. This can lead to the feelings of repulsion that you seem to feel right now. Taking some time apart can be an easy way to give you the space to miss each other and remember all the good points and good times you have shared in your marriage.

 

May Allah bring you happiness and contentment in your marriage and make you the coolness of each other’s eyes both in this life and the next.